To have booked a holiday without DP and tell him I'm reconsidering our suitability?

[Gezamya]

When dp and I first got together I made it very clear that travel was the top of my life priorities. It's the main motivation in my work, saving, lifestyle - everything. He made out that he was the same so early in our dating I asked him what countries he'd seen. He said "Holand, Scotland ... and that's it up to now but I want to see more" 🤔 Clearly lied about being an avid traveller then but I gave him benefit of the doubt.

A year later and we decided to save up to go to Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam. We gave ourselves a year to save. 2 months in and I told him i had saved enough for half the cost of the flight and if he had the same, we could perhaps get that part booked. He said he hadn't managed to save anything yet as money had been tight (so whilst noticing the brand new PlayStation 4 he'd just bought) I said fine, I'll wait.

4 months in I asked him how much he had saved. He said "loads". I said great, shall we book these flights?" And he said "yes, at the weekend". Weekend came and went, he made excuse after excuse "my bank won't let me log in, I've lost my bank card ... ' etc etc.

6 months in and I said "right, I have the money for half the cost of flights and to book the first hotel in Bangkok - I'm not expecting you to have the same but do you have the flight money cos it needs booking". He said he had "about £200". At this point I said he either came up with the money within the next month or I would go alone. 3 weeks later he's going on giving me a hard time that I have forced him to borrow money off his parents. I went home and booked a holiday for myself and a friend instead. He was mortified and said I'd ruined his entire year as that was all he had to look forward to and now he feels like he's been stabbed in the back!!! When he wasn't coming up with the money I asked him several times if he really wanted to go and could he really afford it and he said yes every time.

I feel he was just been lazy, couldn't be arsed to save and probably hoping I would cover the cost out of pure desperation.

I've now told him I don't feel we're suited and am thinking things over. He said "what, over a holiday???".

So aibu?!

[AlpacaPicnic]

But then it's his responsibility to say that he wouldn't be able to afford it. And then you could have an honest conversation about realistic budgets, and whether to go somewhere more budget friendly this year or save up for longer...

[ohtheholidays]

No YANBU don't allow yourself to be held back in life by someone else OP none of us knows what's round the corner so make the most of being healthy enough to travel and having the spare money to do the things you love

My Ex Husband never wanted to do anything,he stopped me from learning to drive we couldn't travel because him.

Now I have a lovely Husband who would love for me to be able to do all the things I want and wanted to do but I became ill and now I'm disabled so it's going to be alot harder for me but I'm going to give it my best shot!

Go with your friend,ignore his negativity and have a great time!

I hope you come back on let us know how it was

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Dh and I went away for 3 weeks when we'd only just started going out. He ended up paying more because he had more money. I think if you want to travel with him and want to be with him, it may be that you will need to subsidise him a bit. Not pay the whole trip. However, he would need to show willing first and he's definitely not doing himself any favours right now. You're definitely not unreasonable to go with a friend under these circumstances.

[SquawkFish]

I do feel that 10,000 is actually a big difference in salaries, particularly when the lowest salary is 16,000, and, I feel that it is much harder for him to save on his salary than it is for you to save on yours.

That said, I think if travel is such a big deal to you, and you are unwilling to see how difficult it is for him to save whilst doing other things he enjoys (the playstation), it would be best if you part ways.

I'm pretty nomadic and so is my partner - we both travel a lot with work, but if it came to booking or saving for a holiday we'd agree somewhere we could both afford in the timeframe. I earn much less than he does.

[myownprivateidaho]

YANBU to go, but also I think that it's a bit unrealistic to expect someone living on £16k to be able to afford holidays to the far east. If he's rubbish with money he may have had unexpected expenses or not budgeted correctly. Sounds like you have different priorities. But tbh, I do feel a bit sorry for the guy, the travelling thing sounds like quite a lot of pressure.

[PNGirl]

16k is 1100 a month after tax. After rent, council tax, transport, mobile, internet, electricity, gas, water and food there isn't much left. He doesn't seem to have equated half the cost of a trip like this to a proportion of his annual income.

[TequilaBlockingBird]

You're not suited. Move on.

[ethelb]

I think you sound quite pushy tbh. I can't stand people who think 'travel' is the be all and end all, and assume the superiority of this goal.

It sounds like he really couldn't afford it. If you wanted to go with him it was unfair to make him pay half the cost of the trip.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I can see both points, he should have been honest when you were dating, he probably lied because he really wanted a relationship with you. You earn more than him, these trips are quite expensive. Compromise, mabey go on hiday with him 2 a year, then book solos hiday or go with a friend, if you want more travelling. My friend who is single, no kids is like you, 8 holidays a year, doesn't want a man who cannot travel as much, which is hard to find, hence she's single, as that puts them off.

[tempester28]

Hmm! you might have more fun with your friend. He may be terrible with money/priorities and earns less than you - however found money for a playstation. I would go with your friend and tell him your were serious about travelling. If he wants to join you on your next trip then start saving now! I don't know what your age group is but if you are young I would say don't get stuck in a relationship with someone who does not share the same desire to travel - go travelling while you have the chance. If he doesn't feel the same he will still be here when you get back

[HaveNoSocks]

YANBU. I could understand him having second thoughts but he could have just been upfront. He should have written out a budget - decided how much he could afford to save and told you. He sounds flakey and unreliable.

[HeddaGarbled]

It's too late now because you've gone ahead and booked with your friend but a fairer split of the costs would have been in proportion to your salaries 16:26 is not far off 3:5 so if the holiday cost £2000 say, he'd pay £750 and you'd pay £1250. Even that is probably a stretch on his salary. I don't know anyone on that kind of money who would have exotic holidays, unless they were doing a backpacking type trip.

[SeraOfeliaFalfurrias]

The OP made it clear from the start that travel is a huge priority for her, and that she arranges her entire life around it. I understand that, I have family who are the same way. She was upfront with him, he lied and told her he felt the same way when he clearly didn't. He prioritised a new PS over the holiday - fine, it's his money to do with as he pleases. But he can't be surprised now when the OP has realised that he absolutely doesn't share her life goals. Especially if he has called this trip 'just a holiday'.

Neither is right or wrong, just different people. But at least the OP was honest with her partner; he has utterly misrepresented himself to her and led her on about it as long as he could.

Best thing to do is go their separate ways and find new partners who suit each other better. Life is too short to settle for someone who isn't right for you.

[Gezamya]

Flights £900
Air b&b accommodation for all 3 destinations £450

He only needed to save £450 for the flights and I already subsidise him a lot for meals out, drinks, cinema etc. It's like having another kid to look after

[WhatsGoingOnEh]

I can't stand people who think 'travel' is the be all and end all, and assume the superiority of this goal.

When they use the the word "travelling", simply replace it mentally with "holibobs". Takes some of the smugness away. :)

OP, I'm not a huge lover of holibobs, but in this case you set a clear shared goal and he let down his side of the bargain, then lacked the guts and decency to own up, DESPITE knowing that his behaviour could easily be leaving you in the lurch. Have a great holibobs and dump this bloke, you're not a match.

[19lottie82]

16,000 is a low wage but if he could afford to save or not depends on his outgoings I suppose. In some areas you could pay for a houseshare and bills for £500 a month, so if he doesn't drive and doesn't have any real debt it would be easily doable to save £250 a month for a year to pay for the holiday. But then again if his outgoings are more, he drives and has credit card debt, it wouldn't be.

However the lying (I'll transfer the money tomorrow, my online banking is down etc etc) would piss me off. I think this would definitely be the sign of how the relationship would progress further down the line

[URHavingAG1raff3]

Flights are expensive, but when you reach Asia, you can if you wish, eat and get a cheap place to stay and move around cheaply by public transport

If he had really wanted to travel with you, he could have saved or got a second job or a loan

However, long term if he does not like foreign travel, then he is not the person for you

I agree that travel is important for some people and I see that you are that type of person

Enjoy your travels

[Enidblyton1]

It does sadly sound like you're incompatible

[Trifleorbust]

Everyone agreed until you said he only earns 16k, OP. That is a very low salary to be funding holidays to far flung destinations

[SquawkFish]

It's like having another kid to look after

I think he'd be better off without you to be honest.

[19lottie82]

trifle yes you're right but he should never have agreed in the first place. Or lied about having money, losing his bank card etc etc

[winterinmadeira]

Yanbu at all. He hasn't been honest with you. I was in a situation very similar to yours years ago - DP said he defo wanted to go etc but never got quite round to booking the flights; saving the money etc. So I booked and went on my own.

He was taken aback but he frittered his money and I paid for food etc a bit like your relationship except for the fact that we had the same wage. I think he liked the idea of it all rather than the doing. If I had paid for it I'm sure he would have happily gone! I look back now and see what a massive taker he was in lots of other ways too.

You are not suited so go and enjoy yourself.

[Trifleorbust]

He shouldn't have done, no. He sounds a bit immature and not best suited to the OP, but I can't help feeling a bit sorry for him.

[SoupDragon]

He earns £10k less than you. Of course he was going to struggle to find the money for a holiday to Thailand in the same time as you.

The PS4 is a rd herring really.