To have booked a holiday without DP and tell him I'm reconsidering our suitability?

[Gezamya]

When dp and I first got together I made it very clear that travel was the top of my life priorities. It's the main motivation in my work, saving, lifestyle - everything. He made out that he was the same so early in our dating I asked him what countries he'd seen. He said "Holand, Scotland ... and that's it up to now but I want to see more" 🤔 Clearly lied about being an avid traveller then but I gave him benefit of the doubt.

A year later and we decided to save up to go to Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam. We gave ourselves a year to save. 2 months in and I told him i had saved enough for half the cost of the flight and if he had the same, we could perhaps get that part booked. He said he hadn't managed to save anything yet as money had been tight (so whilst noticing the brand new PlayStation 4 he'd just bought) I said fine, I'll wait.

4 months in I asked him how much he had saved. He said "loads". I said great, shall we book these flights?" And he said "yes, at the weekend". Weekend came and went, he made excuse after excuse "my bank won't let me log in, I've lost my bank card ... ' etc etc.

6 months in and I said "right, I have the money for half the cost of flights and to book the first hotel in Bangkok - I'm not expecting you to have the same but do you have the flight money cos it needs booking". He said he had "about £200". At this point I said he either came up with the money within the next month or I would go alone. 3 weeks later he's going on giving me a hard time that I have forced him to borrow money off his parents. I went home and booked a holiday for myself and a friend instead. He was mortified and said I'd ruined his entire year as that was all he had to look forward to and now he feels like he's been stabbed in the back!!! When he wasn't coming up with the money I asked him several times if he really wanted to go and could he really afford it and he said yes every time.

I feel he was just been lazy, couldn't be arsed to save and probably hoping I would cover the cost out of pure desperation.

I've now told him I don't feel we're suited and am thinking things over. He said "what, over a holiday???".

So aibu?!

[ClaudiaJean2016]

He is sensible to not spend on expensive holidays when his income is so low, BUT he should have been honest from the start and said he wouldn't be able to afford this trip.

If holidays are that important to you, and it's important that he go on holiday with you, you might want to reconsider the relationship because his income isn't suited to lots of holidays or expensive holidays. Or consider if you would be OK with having your holidays as you want but going without him, if that would be OK for both of you or if it would put a lot of strain on your relationship.

I do think though that it would be a shame to lose an otherwise good relationship over holidays now that it has become apparent that he may not have the same interest in holidays as you. At the end of the day, everyday life and being together in everyday life should be more important than trips away. If you're looking for a fun holiday companion as a priority, a serious relationship might not be the best way to get that. Go with friends instead.

[kiwigeekmum]

16k vs 26k is a MASSIVE difference!! He probably really DOES want to travel but is struggling to keep up with you. (I love to travel but there have been times in life where it just wasn't practical financially).

Your attitude about "subsidising" him and seeing him as a child speaks volumes about how you feel about the relationship. Perhaps you should be looking for a partner who can match your INCOME as well as your interests.

[AnyFucker]

I don't "know" it, ethel

just from what op has said (bought the game station he can use straight away but struggles to put money aside for something that might happen sometime in the future)...it's the impression I get

[HaveNoSocks]

my point being the op is still immature and needs someone to hold her hand, which she now has as you pointed out, with her mate instead

That doesn't follow at all. She's chosen to go on holiday with someone that doesn't mean she "needs some to hold her hand". Perhaps her friend wanted to go on the holiday or perhaps OP just prefers to travel with someone else. What has that got to do with maturity? Personally I prefer to travel with someone else, I love to have someone to share the experience with, chat with on long journeys, go out with in the evenings. It's personal preference, nothing to do with immaturity.

[ethelb]

'seems to prioritise daily over delayed gratification.'

Anyfucker, how do you know that?

[Damselindestress]

He has repeatedly lied from the start of the relationship and lied about the holiday, which is a financial commitment they had together. Didn't want to disappoint his girlfriend is very short term thinking, she'd be a lot less disappointed by him saying he can't afford a holiday upfront rather than committing to it then failing to come up with the money. Sorry, I'm not insensitive to money struggles as I'm actually on a lower income than him but he's not really hard up if he can afford a ps4, that's £200 or so that could have gone towards the holiday. Along with the £200 he claims to have saved, he'd be well on the way to affording his share of the flights. And of course he will have bought games to go with it, at an average of about £20 each, because there is no point having it if he can't play it. He just has different priorities for his discretionary spending, which he should have been upfront about, instead of claiming he wants to go on holidays and other outings then expecting OP to subsidise him.

[SukeyTakeItOffAgain]

I wouldn't have said you have proof he is a compulsive liar. He just sounds hard up, immature and unwilling to face up to a situation and to disappoint his girlfriend to me. Either way, not a great basis for a relationship.

[Damselindestress]

It's not just over a holiday is it? He's a compulsive liar. He lied from the start about being into travelling, lied repeatedly about being prepared for the holiday and seems to be taking advantage of you financially, expecting you to subsidise him on dates and potentially on the holiday while he has money for luxuries like a ps4. Plus you don't have key interests or life goals in common because he lied about his at the start. That doesn't bode well for the future. YANBU to reconsider the relationship.

[mothattack]

The income difference is significant. He is probably SHORT of money by £1000 to £4000 a year for 'normal' modern living standards. You have thousands SPARE by comparison!

Perhaps he wants very much to travel but just can't afford to prioritise it the way you can. He shouldn't be digging a hole for himself though by agreeing to the impossible. Possibly he feels you don't fully appreciate just how much worse off he is than you and feels bad when he has to sort of spell it out to you, and then maybe when he has you still don't get it. It is really crap not to be able to live a more fun and expensive life compared to mates etc if they just won't make allowances. You do sound very insensitive to his financial circumstances.

But you have to check if this is the real and only reason. I wasted time with a bloke who pretended to like all sorts of things that I liked just to impress me. We made plans, talked about things etc. But then over time when nothing ever panned out or came to fruition, except other things he wanted to do, it became clear to me that he was just leading me on.

I just don't know whether he thought it was a game or that somehow I wouldn't notice or wouldn't mind, but it was a shock to me. I was very young then!!

[Ldnmum2015]

Havenosocks ... my point being the op is still immature and needs someone to hold her hand, which she now has as you pointed out, with her mate instead

[sonjadog]

I also have traveling at the top of my priorities. There are a lot of negative attitudes to that, as exemplified on this thread, but that really isn´t my problem, I can live my life as I choose. So I get you when you say traveling is so important to you. I have also experienced a lot of people who think when I say that, I mean the odd weekend away in European capitals. They don´t really get what I mean when I say traveling is my major hobby.

Your boyfriend maybe didn´t really understand what you meant when you said you like to travel, and while he didn´t plan on pretending to be someone he isn´t, he didn´t mean traveling in the way you see it. I wouldn´t be angry with him about it.

What this incident has shown is that you two are not compatible. This is what dating is for - testing if you fit together, and it has turned out that you two don´t.

[HaveNoSocks]

You sound a bit immature to be honest, if like you say you like travelling, then there is nothing to stop you doing that, why do you need him to hold your hand for?

She obviously doesn't need him to hold her hand - she's booked the holiday with her friend. The point was for her travelling is important so it obviously makes sense to find a partner who shares that priority. If he doesn't fair enough but he should be honest about it and not act affronted when she goes on holiday with someone else.

If I was on his salary I probably wouldn't want to go on that trip either but I'd have been upfront from the start (or as soon as I started having doubts). He could have said - actually I'd rather spend my cash on other stuff maybe we could go for a shorter break. Then it would be up to her whether to go alone or give up the trip. Pretending he wants to go then prevaricating and lying is not on.

[roarfeckingroar]

He bought a new games console and put your own holiday at risk by not being honest. Enough to LTB I reckon.

[OrcinusOrca]

He might be interested in travel, but the shuffly attitude would do my nut in. My ex was like that and would say he wanted to do x and y but was too lazy to when it came down to it.

My DH and I are going through something quite major at the moment and the only reason we haven't split is because I think we do want the same things and he's just been moronic. Equally I've been with him 5 years, but with my ex he had been as he had the whole 2.5 years and clearly didn't have an issue with it. YANBU, the attitude would do it for me. Why not just talk about it instead of going to the effort of so much avoidance?

[AyeAmarok]

I think YANBU.

He lied about being interested in travel. Then he picked a destination he apparently couldn't afford then lied about saving, then lied again about saving, then bought a PS4 at several hundred pounds, then all the nonsense with the bank card and online banking etc? That would do my head in.

However, given you take home about £500 a month more than him, saying he's shit with money is a bit harsh! Unless, does he have very, veelow outgoings and waste a lot?

[bumsexatthebingo]

Only read the op. The fact he hasn't saved for the holiday is annoying but I think if you are reconsidering being with him over it then he's clearly not life partner material. If you love someone enough you will do anything to work at your relationship imo rather than end it at the first hurdle. Couples who stay together will have to weather a lot more than one partner not saving enough for an expensive holiday. Go away with your friend and enjoy yourself.

[Ldnmum2015]

I have a friends husband who made a big show of organising a trip to Paris for his wife, when they first got together, but it never materialised. In the end, my friend realising the reluctance, just booked a last minute to see her best mate who was working in berlin, and i went with her, as i knew how to get there by train etc and she didn't want to go on her own. That was over ten years ago, we all had a great time and this friend, who also has a husband who is reluctant to travel, comes over and couch surfs on my mate and husbands sofa, the husband it turns out though not an ambitious traveller is actually the best host ever. What i am saying is my mate could of had a tantrum and divorced him, or she could just accept him as he is.

[lalalalyra]

Never stay in a relationship with someone who can't say "I can't afford that". It'll drive you insane.

My ex was like that. We'd make plans - he'd be the one suggesting the expensive option - and then he'd faff endlessly. "I broke my bank card" "I'll pay for it on Friday" "I've got most of it" and then it'd just never be mentioned again until I brought it up at which point I was "nagging" or "bragging I had more money".

Not having the money isn't the main issue you you have - if he can't be realistic about his ability to afford things then you are just setting up disaster for you both.

[Ldnmum2015]

You sound a bit immature to be honest, if like you say you like travelling, then there is nothing to stop you doing that, why do you need him to hold your hand for? You are lucky you are on a wage that allows you this luxury, even £450 on low wages is actually hard to find, so I actually feel sorry for him. As someone who has travelled my whole life and lived in different countries, I can tell you a trip to Thailand, popular with British gap year tourists really wouldnt be that exciting to me anyway, in future instead of rushing in making arrangements and dolling out deadlines, just make sure the person is actually able to afford this, its actually better for him it has come to light now as he could of easily slipped down that rocky road to debt trying to keep up with you.

[alltouchedout]

Do him a favour and end the relationship. You're clearly unsuited.

[Foxysoxy01]

There is absolutely no way he could afford a holiday like that, or at all TBH, on a wage of £16,000!!!

Maybe if he lived at home with parents had no bills over than nominal rent and bills, phone, car and nothing else then he could possibly afford it.

£26,000 and £16,000 is a massive wage difference.

I think he probably didn't like to say he couldn't afford it and was burying his head a bit.
it would have been better had he been upfront but maybe a mix of embarrassment and knowing it would be a deal breaker that he can't travel with you (due to his finances)

[SoupDragon]

soup not really. There r loads of posters on here that don't have kids!

Yes, I know. I still say this is a very strange subject to join a parenting site for.

[AnyFucker]

You don't sound at all compatible.

And, I think I am on his side. It sounds like he tried to keep up, was a bit unrealistic about what he can afford and seems to prioritise daily over delayed gratification.

I think I would find someone more on my wavelength. You can't change him.

[19lottie82]

soup not really. There r loads of posters on here that don't have kids! I think the topic falls under AIBU, don't you?

[SoupDragon]

This is a very odd thing to join a parenting site for.