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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cringe at DH asking DS if he had a nice time.

77 replies

Happyhippy45 · 22/10/2016 21:49

Ds has recently having regular dates through tinder. He has been friends online with the girls for a while, some of them are friends of friends.
He told DH about going on date (DH prised it out of him.)
I had my suspicions he was on tinder but at 19 it's his business. He's a sensible lad.
The last twice he's come home after a date (not overnight.) DH asks him in a amused tone "Did you have a nice time?"
I think it sounds like he's taking the piss and it's cringy as fuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 22/10/2016 22:04

louiseville yeah having a laugh and a wee wind up is harmless but he doesn't really interact with Ds in any other way. He's either taking the piss or nagging.

OP posts:
LouisvilleLlama · 22/10/2016 22:06

Happy obviously you know their interactions better but from what you've described it seems harmless

lastnightiwenttomanderley · 22/10/2016 22:08

Sounds harmless to me.

The big question though is whether DS is bothered by it?

ANewStartOverseas · 22/10/2016 22:08

It depends on the tone doesnt it?

Did you have a nice time can mean just that. How did your evening go?
Or it can mean 'did you have sex?' Whihc really isnt appropriate to ask.

the fact that the OP's ds isnt amused and doesnt appreciate the comments makes me think it;s the second option and not its not on.

ANewStartOverseas · 22/10/2016 22:09

last the OP has said her ds doesnt like it.

BumpAndGrind · 22/10/2016 22:11

Sounds to me like he is trying to shatter his self esteem about dating, taking the piss out of him for it.

Could he secretly be gutted he's growing up, or jealous in some way? It's not on, tell him to grow up.

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 22/10/2016 22:12

I'm not refereeing. They are both adults. It just makes me cringe. It would be lovely if he could have normal interactions with him all the time instead of the piss take.
I suppose thinking about it, he did tell his dad he was going on a date and on tinder when asked. Under normal circumstances Ds wouldn't tell him anything. Maybe I should take this as progress in their relationship.
I tend not to pry but always ask how his day went etc in a casual manner.
He's quite open with me normally but has been quite private about his dating. I did tell him his dad had mentioned he was dating on tinder. He spoke a bit about the girls he's meeting, he was a bit shy about it so I didn't prod him anymore.

OP posts:
BumpAndGrind · 22/10/2016 22:12

I don't mean jealous that he's dating btw, I meant more jealous of his youth.

RiverTam · 22/10/2016 22:12

It sounds like he's slightly mocking DS. Or being a bit phnar phnar how did that go, my son, wink wink. Which certainly is very cringey. But, your DS is an adult, time to put on his big boy pants and tell DH (his dad?) he doesn't like it and please stop it.

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 22/10/2016 22:14

Yeah he's definitely mocking him.

OP posts:
19Hannah · 22/10/2016 22:15

Sounds like normal banter to me?

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 22/10/2016 22:16

I got what you meant bump

OP posts:
Sara107 · 22/10/2016 22:22

It sounds like your dh is struggling to relate to your son, if he is either taking the piss or giving out to him. Like he just doesn't know what to talk to him about or how? Can you talk to dh about this? Do they have any interests in common to kick-start a bit of normal conversation (eg football)? Or could your dh invite for Ds out for a pint once in a while just to spend some one to one time together learning how to make chitchat with each other.

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 22/10/2016 22:29

sara yeah difficult one as we all work together (family business.)
So there's not much desire/opportunity for them to socialise with each other if you know what I mean.
Neither has an interest in sports. I had a wee bit of hope when Ds invited his dad to play a new video game with him. Lasted a couple of nights. Ds doesn't drink. They don't have an awful lot in common but I'm hoping as Ds gets older their relationship will improve. I'm seeing little glimmers of hope in the way they interact.

OP posts:
kaitlinktm · 22/10/2016 22:33

I think I know what you mean - it depends on his tone of voice and facial expression. I remember my mother having a piss-taking tone of voice when asking about one of my early boyfriends although there was nothing in her actual words which gave it away - "Did you and Philip have a good time then?" with Philip pronounced in a slightly silly way - feeleep - which she could have denied if I had challenged it (I wish I had). I knew she was making fun - it was as if she felt I didn't deserve to have a private or love life at 18 - that I was just a huge joke to her.

It actually was quite damaging for two reasons - firstly because it just made me keep things from her if I possibly could and secondly because it made me feel that in some way I wasn't good enough to have my private life taken seriously, so I shouldn't have one.

You are in the best place to judge if your DH's comments are making your DS cringe inside - and if they are you should ask him to stop.

JoJoSM2 · 22/10/2016 22:34

It's just a bit of teasing...

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 22/10/2016 22:38

I don't see the issue

JoJoSM2 · 22/10/2016 22:38

Do you not get on with your husband? All your comments look like you're trying to find fault with him all the time... give the man a break and have a bit of banter with his son...

Ohyesiam · 22/10/2016 22:41

If D's doesn't like it, he should mention it.

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 22/10/2016 22:46

I get on fine with my husband. He does the same with me, makes fun etc.....I either take the piss back or tell him i don't like what he said and why. DH is not the most empathetic or sensitive bloke in the world and has a very black and white view of life.
He speaks before he thinks sometimes and doesn't see anything wrong in how he interacts with folks.
Ds will tell his dad to fuck off, or he's wrong about something and correct him.....but the whole dating thing I think he's a bit sensitive about.....this is why it's so cringy. I just want DH to not embarrass him. Ds is 19 and has never had a girlfriend. He's good looking and a lovely guy but is in the friend zone with lots of girls. He's a good friend to them too.

OP posts:
Ameliablue · 22/10/2016 22:48

You seem to have a very negative view of their relationship, yet what you have described seems normal conversation. Without being there it's impossible to say if you are in the right or reading meaning into something that isn't there.

abigamarone · 22/10/2016 22:54

That he's told his dad and not you that he's on tinder suggests that they get on better than you think.

Original poster
Happyhippy45 · 22/10/2016 23:01

abig yeah this makes me feel good. I suppose I just need to let them get on with it. I'll keep doing what I'm doing and they can keep doing what they are doing....even if I find it a bit off

OP posts:
Florathefern · 22/10/2016 23:02

I think it depends on the tone too. Your post made me think of the series of the Royle Family where Jim constantly slagged Anthony but it was more of a sneer and jeer than teasing.

If that is the case, then yes your DH is not being nice or respectful. But I'm unsure if someone else can actually manage other people's relationships.

All you can really do, is be there for your son to confide in if he wishes to and I guess you could try to ask your DH not to ask personal questions but you can't control it.

DamePastel · 22/10/2016 23:08

kaitlinktm I know what you mean. My mum used to mock any fledgling relationship. It made me feel that it was weakness on my part to every ''succumb'' to any feelings. She expected me to get married but dating or having a crush or flirting was so derided. It was so embarrassing. Can you believe I'm single!? I've had relationships but usually fleeting and to this day the thoughts of telling my mum about somebody make me come out in a cold sweat. I had a bf once, about three years ago and he didn't get it at all.. I remember him saying ''your mum will like me! what's not to like?'' and I just thought ''but I'll feel foolish for .... pretending to be in a couple with you''. Because, in her eyes, we'd only have been pretending. I never introduce anybody to her now. It's just far too difficult. Not only that, but I never tell her if I'm in a relationship or trying to have a relationship rather Wink

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