To ask what constitutes a 'bad mum/parent' in your opinion?

[fruitysmoothie]

Just curious.....

[WildDigestive]

Sorry if it was a genuine question, OP. Most of the time those kinds of questions are from half-assed journos doing 'research'.

I think this remark was due to me having not let myself go IYKWIM but just because I take care of my appearance doesn't mean I don't take care of DD... she has a bedroom full of toys and it's beautifully decorated, she has a cupboard full to the brim with clothes, she has three winter coats, a few pairs of shoes

Well, you'll know best whether your MIL was being spiteful. I agree that taking care of your appearance doesn't preclude taking care of your child, but at the same time, your response is all about what toys and clothes your DC has, and how nicely-decorated her bedroom is - which I think are largely irrelevant. I mean, it's perfectly possible for a child to be desperately emotionally neglected while having a lot of shoes, toys and three winter coats. I'm not suggesting you are doing that, only that it would be perfectly possible to be a horrifically bad parent while your child owns a lot of shoes and coats. Emotional neglect doesn't have to involve physical neglect.

[PunkrockerGirl]

Giving them a shit, ridiculous made up name which they will spend their lives explaining/having to spell is not a particularly good start, imo.
Yes, I judge parents who do that to their children.

[user1471531273]

Why does she think time outs make you a bad parent? How old is your DD?
Not that it's any of her business but I'm curious what her alternative suggestion would be?

[SarahMused]

quillette.com/2015/12/01/why-parenting-may-not-matter-and-why-most-social-science-research-is-probably-wrong/
Read this and then take comfort from the fact that as long as you are a 'good enough' parent your kids will likely turn out fine. And if they don't it will most likely be down to their genes. So, choose your partner carefully and then don't worry except about the really important stuff like making sure they are well fed and not abused.

[roundandroundthehouses]

No one specific thing, as I think we mostly all do our best in our individual circumstances, a mile in their shoes, etc. But for me, a bad parent would be someone who consistently put their wants and needs ahead of the needs of their child.

[TheWeeBabySeamus1]

Many things can make someone a bad parent, from outright abuse and severe neglect to not prioritising child's needs, being emotionally distant, overly critical etc the list is potentially endless.

Appropriate discipline for your children does not make you a bad parent. Ignore her, I'm sure you're doing a great job.

[YuckYuckEwwww]

Home should be a "safe place" for kids. Somewhere they feel relaxed and happy. If that is achieved then most other things can be forgiven

If that's not provided then no amount of "stately homes" or material things or organic meals will make you a good parent

[fruitysmoothie]

Wilddigestive - oh right, I see!! And yes sorry I could of worded that better couldn't I?! The reason I mentioned her clothes and room etc was because I think MIL was getting at the fact I wear nice clothes and do my make up.... but yes, DD is obviously very much loved, we don't have a lot of money so we can't go on lots of holidays and things but we always make sure we take her to the park, a full blown day out once in a while (fair, swimming etc), we do things in the house like painting, play dough... I do tons of reading with her, movie days, outdoor walks etc but most of all, she is loved unconditionally

[fruitysmoothie]

User - DD turned four in July... and MIL doesn't discipline her teenage DD at all, she gets what she wants when she wants and is VERY ungrateful

[fruitysmoothie]

Thanks Sarah!!

[fruitysmoothie]

Thank you weebaby

[mycatstares]

Fattening them up then tricking them to clean the back of the oven, so you can eat them for dinner.

Although that could be a bad mum or a greedy mum, I'll leave you to judge that one op.

[user1471531273]

Most if not all people have opinions on others, most people also have enough tact to realise when it is appropriate to share their opinion.

Try not to worry it sounds to me like your mil lacks tact.

[fruitysmoothie]

Mycatstares, that cracked me up!!!!!!!

[mycatstares]

Oh sorry you were seriously interested.

If a parent has to judge if they're a bad parent or not, 9/10 they're a good parent.

Bad parents don't care.

[fruitysmoothie]

Thanks user

[mycatstares]

Glad it cheered you up

[fruitysmoothie]

That's a good way of looking at it mycat, thank you! Deep down I know a lot of it was probably said out of anger but it's still massively upset me and planted a seed of doubt

[mycatstares]

If you doubt yourself then your doing a grand job of being a parent and I'm being serious!
Doubting your choices mean you have your childs' best interests at heart and that's all that matters.

Also look at annoying things you don't like about your dp, then you'll realize she didn't do a perfect job either.

[RandomMess]

I think there is probably some jealously from your MIL.

Your DD is young, you are young and attractive, you are loving and have a nice home, meanwhile her life is...? I think she's wanting a 2nd chance of having a DD as her teen DD is leaving a lot to be desired (as many teens do!)

[maras2]

Good God! Have I wandered onto the wrong site?Surely this ambiguous stuff is best left to the 'huns'

[MuffyTheUmpireSlayer]

mycatstares is that generally frowned upon then? What else are you supposed to do with them?

[fruitysmoothie]

RandomMess - perhaps! I've never looked at it that way before.... I do feel like she tries and 'takes over' and is overbearing at times...

[limitedperiodonly]

Sorry if it was a genuine question, OP. Most of the time those kinds of questions are from half-assed journos doing 'research'.

Some people on Mumsnet are obsessed with the idea that journalists spend their lives laying trails here in order to do their half assed jobs.

As a journalist, I can assure everyone that I don't use MN for that. When doing my half assed job, I just make things up. Cuts out the middle woman.

Anyway...

OP, I think what makes a bad mum is one who doesn't love you. You know when you've got a good one. If you truly think you're doing a good job, you probably are.

[fruitysmoothie]

Sorry Maras2!! I'm not having a good day!