Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner turned down job!

59 replies

MrsB44 · 22/10/2016 11:55

Hello!
We've recently found out I'm expecting our first baby in May.
Coincidentally my partner has been offered a new job with a pay rise of about £7500 per year. All wonderful news... except he's turned it down!
I'm really annoyed because when I go on maternity leave money is going to be very tight! He seems to think I'm being unreasonable by saying I'm not planning on going back to work till January 2018 (8 months mat leave- I didn't think this was unreasonable)
He's a chef and says that the new job doesn't appeal to his creative side because it's banqueting and he currently works in a prestigious fine dining restaurant (which he comes home from every night to tell me how much he hates) I'm being a bit of a bitch but frankly when we have a family to feed I don't care about bloody creativity I care about full bellies and a roof over our heads!
He's also tried to say he's scared it's not a secure job - it's a multi national company which has contracts for wedding venues, race courses, sports hospitality etc so I don't believe this for a second.
I feel like he's not understanding that we will be totally skint with a new baby, a mortgage and two (overly expensive) vehicle finance agreements which we can't get out of for another two years hanging over us! (Baby is making an appearance about 3 years earlier than intended- i wouldn't have bought a silly car if I realised what was in store)
What should I say to him to help him understand why I'm so angry / upset with him?

OP posts:
Libitina · 22/10/2016 12:43

I'm being a bit of a bitch but frankly when we have a family to feed I don't care about bloody creativity I care about full bellies and a roof over our heads!

If losing these are a real possibility, then maybe you should have a shorter maternity leave? Why put all the onus on him? You are a team.

Oldfossil · 22/10/2016 12:45

Sorry ... but I would be more worried about the state of your relationship ... your total lack of empathy and understanding for your partner .. means that the writing is on the wall ... and the little bundle of fun isn't here yet...
Cut back on expenses and get on with the most important job of all ... ie. enjoying your life!!! rather than moaning about it!

APlaceOnTheCouch · 22/10/2016 12:48

You seem to think it's a secure job but it's his industry and he's worried that it isn't secure at all. Do you think he's lying about it being insecure? Or do you think he's frightened of change and that's why he said no?
Regardless of whether it's a permanent position or not, even large catering companies are notoriously unstable. Everyone I know who works in catering has moved from events catering companies to fine dining in restaurants/hotels. That pattern alone would tell me that you're mistaken about what would be best for his CV or for his career prospects. I also don't know anyone in events catering who works set hours. The proviso for weekend and function working really ramps up the hours.

mycatstares · 22/10/2016 12:49

Why can't you go back to work earlier if you earn so much more money then?

ImissGrannyW · 22/10/2016 12:54

Your worrying about the future, and that is understandable because you're carrying a new life.

I suggest you and your DH need to sit down together in a relaxed way and talk about what you're worrying about and possible solutions and ways forward together. Be prepared to listen as well as talk, be honest and support one another. Emotional support is as important as financial, even though it doesn't put food on the table!

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

TempusEedjit · 22/10/2016 12:57

I worked for the market leader food service company for several years, secure job but based on winning/maintaining contracts. Even they went through a round of redundancies when they lost a couple of large clients.

If your husband genuinely hates his job now then think how much more he'll hate this new one if he doesn't want to leave his current position for it. I think you're being short-sighted.

Bruce02 · 22/10/2016 12:57

Dh is a chef. Your dhs new position certainly isn't secure and since he will be new they can (and often do) get rid of him for saying no to work, in the first two years

Dh has done this sort of work and had to work ridiculous amounts of hours. If you don't, you are gone.

You are being totally unreasonable to make him to a job he doesn't feel is secure or right for him. Especially when you haven't even discussed maternity leave with him. Just decided your are taking 8 months. I am not saying you need his permission to take 8 months. But you don't sound like you consult him on making decisions regarding your own work. So it should be OK for him to decide for himself too.

He had this lower paid job when you got pregnant so just do whatever you were planning on doing then.

Jaxhog · 22/10/2016 12:59

YABU it is unfair to decide you won't be working for many months yet telling him off for not taking a job he'll hate.

RepentAtLeisure · 22/10/2016 13:01

So he's not allowed a say on the length of your mat leave, but you can dictate what job he does....

It doesn't sound like either situation is happening tbh. He's not taking the job, she's taking the maternity leave.

I hope his doesn't sound patronizing OP, but pregnancy hormones can make it hard to see the woods for the trees sometimes. Listen to what other posters have to say about contract companies. A steady wage will be better than an unreliable one, no matter how much it is. And at least it sounds like he's looking! Try not to worry too much.

LemonSqueezy0 · 22/10/2016 13:05

Whatever the ins and outs of the new/potential job, it seems like you and your partner need to work on your communication. You can't dictate what he does, and do exactly as you wish when it comes to your own choices about what money goes into the family pot. I get that you're annoyed, but surely you can see you're being unreasonable?

CalleighDoodle · 22/10/2016 13:11

Get your carseat, cot and pram. After that cloth nappies. They are your big expenses and are before matleave starts. Breastfeed and babygros cost very little. The first six months can be as cheap as you need them to be. That means youll only have two months with the added cost of food for a baby. they dont eat a lot.

DinosaursRoar · 22/10/2016 13:12

If you are the higher earner, then would he take extended paternity leave when you return to work earlier? If you went back at 4/5months and he then took 3/4 months paternity leave, would you be better off? Once he's stopped for an extended period, it might make him think about more family friendly hours.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 22/10/2016 13:14

So he's not allowed a say on the length of your mat leave, but you can dictate what job he does

^ this exactly.

You can't dictate what he does. How would you feel if he told you you aren't to have 8 months mat leave and go back after 4?

QueenLizIII · 22/10/2016 13:19

How long has he worked for his current job. If more than 2 years than madness to give it up. You cannot clain unfair dismissal until you have worked somewhere for 2 years. You can be sacked for any reason barring sex, race disability discrimination in those first two years. It also sounds like the new role isnt stable.

If money is so tight, why are you having a child and why dont you go back to work sooner op.

fiorentina · 22/10/2016 13:25

Can you do keeping in touch days whilst on maternity leave, or go back sooner part time, building up to full time using holidays.
Surely a restaurant with set hours is easier to plan childcare for them contract work which may vary and therefore cost you more. I understand a higher salary is attractive but the other benefits of the current role maybe better.

AleHouseWench · 22/10/2016 13:29

OP: AIBU

MN: Yes

OP: No I'm not Hmm

Fairenuff · 22/10/2016 13:36

I think you need to be kinder to each other. The relationship should not be a battle ground with winners and losers. Talk to each other. Tell him that you will accept that the new job was not for him as you trust his judgement. Something else might come up in the meantime but, if not, he has a job and you can adjust the length of your maternity leave if you have to.

QueenLizIII · 22/10/2016 13:40

Presumably the OP got PG long before he had interviewed for this job. So what were they going to do for money then? Was he even looking for other work when trying for a baby?

It would be madness to give up a steady income for contract work.

For the OP to say she doesnt care about his job satisfaction or creativity all she wants is money for them....wow.

1DAD2KIDS · 22/10/2016 13:48

He's not a cash cow, he's your partner. I assume you got pregnant expecting him to be on his current income? Yes things may be tight but about his happiness? What good is the extra income if he is unhappy bringing forced by his partner into a job he didn't what? What effect will that have on the happiness of your new little family and your relationship?

MyGiddyUncle · 22/10/2016 13:48

I wasn't saying it's down to him to earn money because he's male - I currently earn more and have every intention of going back to work however short of giving birth and going back to work after 6 weeks there's not really much I can do myself. I could cut maternity to 6 months however then we have to factor in child care

Why not look at shared parental leave then op?

I'm also due in May and our plan is for me to take 6 months of maternity leave (I get full pay for six months so this just makes sense) and then we'll swap, i'll go back to work and dh will take 6 months of shared parental leave.

HereIAm20 · 22/10/2016 13:51

Also I think as the effects of Brexit do start to kick in if Article 50 is invoked then there will be less spent on things like corporate hospitality so your DH is being the sensible one with keeping secure, permanent position rather than take an insecure who know what position.

Perhaps you should start saving now if money will be tight during maternity leave.

Remote99 · 22/10/2016 13:52

You sound grabby

Pseudonym99 · 22/10/2016 13:52

How about he has the maternity leave and you go back to work straight away?

ChuckBiscuits · 22/10/2016 13:55

£7.5k is about £350 pcm

How did you get that maths to work?

£7500/12=£625
take off 20% tax = £500

OhTheRoses · 22/10/2016 14:03

Not all tax is at 20%, plus there are NI and pension contributions. Seriously over £30k pa, an extra £1k is about £50 pcm. Less for higher rate tax payers.