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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Both parents going to party (plus extra child)?

80 replies

FlapsTie · 22/10/2016 08:30

Ds2 has his second ever birthday party this morning for a child at school (he's in reception). It's a whole class party so there will be 30 children plus parents.

We both went to the first party as it was his first proper one and we wanted to watch him have fun, this meant we had to take 12yo DD with us as she can't be left at home with ds1 (14) as they fight. We were the only couple there, and the only ones who had brought an extra child along (obviously she didn't join in or eat anything, just sat with us).

So I'm overthinking this morning and I've come to the conclusion that only one of us should go this time, most likely DH as a) he drives and b) I have social anxiety and will struggle to go alone. I just think people will look at us with dd and wonder why one of us didn't stay at home. And we'll be thought of as 'that family'.

DH, although happy to go alone, thinks I'm overthinking and it would be fine.

This is a completely new school for us (not the school the older dc went to) and a new group of people, none of whom I knew before ds2 started) and I'm a bit hyper aware of making any awful social faux pas.

I know it's really not the biggest issue in the world but what would you think if it was your child's birthday and a child turned up with both parents and a sibling?

AIBU to think it's not the done thing?

OP posts:

BonusNewt · 22/10/2016 09:35

I had a whole family, two parents two children, come to DS's party which was just a normal games and tea party in our house. They did bring me a bottle of wine though.

SaucyJack · 22/10/2016 09:36

That's perfectly fair enough that she'd rather go out than sit at home on her own..... but can't one of you take her out somewhere while the other one goes to the party?

DudeWheresMyVulva · 22/10/2016 09:38

It's funny the differing opinions here. We have had two all-class parties for DS (now aged 7). Definitely had lots of two sets of parents and siblings come as well (mostly younger siblings though), and I never thought anything of it. But both times it was at a local playground and I catered for it, so no extra costsfor us in terms of soft play etc. But it certainly did not occur to me it might be odd.

diddl · 22/10/2016 09:39

Have you checked whether or not the hosts want parents there?

It would have been my nightmare tbh.

Liiinoo · 22/10/2016 09:45

I would think it was a bit odd if even one parent stayed. I would expect drop and run. However I would accept they know their child best so if they thought they needed to stay, fair enough and if that is the norm where you live it would be perfectly fine. I would think it very odd indeed if both parents stayed and downright peculiar if they bought a much older sibling.

Your instincts are bang on here OP. Let DH go on his own and you can enjoy a nice afternoon with DD12.

franincisco · 22/10/2016 09:46

*Have you checked whether or not the hosts want parents there?

It would have been my nightmare tbh.*

Mine too. The last party I went to a party mum completely took over the party and the real party mum stood in the crowd looking a mixture of horror and angst. She insisted on being given the pass-the-parcel presents so that she could start and even asked for a microphone so that everyone could hear her. She sang a song at the end and then asked that no one upload it onto social media no one had even recorded her, it was horrendous It was a complete cringe fest at the time but certainly made the party very memorable

MrsJamin · 22/10/2016 09:47

Wow, very weird indeed. That many kids and you added three more people to the total? I guess you know for next time now. Generally, reception parties = one parent stays or one parent takes another kid too, Y1 parties= parents leave the kids as long as the ratio of adults to kids is OK and the kid is happy to be left. It's like when both parents take all their kids to the supermarket for a big shop, wtf is that all about, just one parent take a list rather than trail everyone round.

paranormalish · 22/10/2016 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

paranormalish · 22/10/2016 09:49

Sorry wrong thread entirely no idea how that happened :-/

Sara107 · 22/10/2016 09:50

Don't over think or worry too much! It doesn't matter, some posters are a bit harsh. Let dh do the partys, and you can keep the peace with the older two. In my experience almost more Dads than Mums do the party circuit. It's probably a bit boring for the older girl to have to go along and watch, but we've had all shapes and sizes of siblings turn up, and one, two or no parents.

PlumsGalore · 22/10/2016 09:51

At reception age I would be dropping your DS off at the party and having a couple of free hours and going back. A family event where you all sit and wait is just a bit weird.

BeyondReasonablyDoubts · 22/10/2016 09:56

It really depends what the party is. Fair enough to drop and run if it's soft play, less so if it's swimming. Or if (as a lot of people here do) a pub's function room has been hired with the expectation that parents stay and have a drink!

LIZS · 22/10/2016 09:57

Yes it would be strange for you both to go , especially with another child in tow, unless you were invited as a family unit. I felt the odd one out not dropping and running at that age, relatively few did stay, but dd was the youngest in the year group so only just 4 and we'd recently moved. I think you need to consider your motivation for staying , if you do the school runs and want to get to know the other parents and children then maybe your dh could drop you off and take your other DC to cinema or whatever is nearby.

PandoNoPants · 22/10/2016 10:01

I must be extremely chilled lol. I've had a 2 whole class parties and will have another 2 next year as DD has now started school.

Tbh, I don't mind nor care who shows up as long as everyone is having a good time.

The ones I've had were at soft play centres. The venue charged extra if a sibling came (parents are free) but I made it quite clear on the invite to avoid embarrassment. I've also paid extra for siblings to come as it was the only way the child could attend (one parent working away). I don't mind if both parents attend or drop the kids off either.

So to answer your Q, no, YANBU. I guess some people do have certain rules though.

You can come to mine if you like :D

diddl · 22/10/2016 10:01

What did you do when the older ones went to parties?

If one of you stayed or just dropped the relevent child off, why didn't you just do that again with the youngest?

allowlsthinkalot · 22/10/2016 10:05

There is one family in dd's class where both parents routinely turn up to birthday parties. I do think it's a bit odd tbh. I would think it even odder if they brought a bored teenager.

NataliaOsipova · 22/10/2016 10:06

Yes, odd for you both to go, unless specifically invited. Essentially, one of you stays just to make sure your very young child is okay and to take the responsibility of loo trips/food etc away from the host mum and dad. It's not a family event at all. That said, if there's a particular reason you both need to go, I wouldn't have thought it'd be a problem if you asked the host, if you see what I mean (eg "we are all going to x afterwards - would you mind if we all came as it would save us an hour of driving?" or something).

Original poster

FlapsTie · 22/10/2016 10:13

Ok well I've engaged my brain and actually contacted the mum. She's happy for us to drop and run, so we'll do that.

We used to drop and run or stay with the older two but I knew all the mums a lot better and knew in advance what they expected.

OP posts:

QueenOfFuckAll · 22/10/2016 10:19

I have three children, aged 10, 6 and 3. We moved from a city to isolated rural community two years ago.

The first party invite in our new home, and I went on my own with the invited child, as this was my understanding of party protocol. I was the weird one! Every sibling was there, taking part in the games and sat at the table, with party bag on leaving, and people were asking where my husband and other children were.

This year I am loving seeing the 3yo first borns attending their first parties with both parents enjoying the experience for the first time.

I think there have been a lot of nasty posts on this thread, so please ignore them. Treasure the memories of the first party for your last child. Take it in turns with hubby to go, or be brave and use it as an opportunity to meet other parents and your children's friends.

charlestonchaplin · 22/10/2016 10:20

No wonder children pick on people who are different. Their parents can't cope with difference either! The OP and her family weren't doing any harm but some people have taken offence!

And it makes sense to leave the eldest at home to thwart those (many on here) who would consider calling the police to report an abandoned child at ridiculously high ages.

jellycat1 · 22/10/2016 10:24

Wow. Lots of nasty comments. I see nothing at all wrong with wanting to go and watch him at his first party or even first few. Seems odd to me that you wouldn't. It's nothing to do with thinking it's your child's chance to ''shine'. Weird comment. I think you've been very calm and patient on this thread OP! As for the party, do what works for you as long as your dd and the host don't mind

mumeeee · 22/10/2016 10:29

No it's not the done thing.

maddiemookins16mum · 22/10/2016 10:30

I don't get the whole adults staying at parties anyway but I think you've done the right thing now contacting the mum and deciding what to do. I hope he enjoys the party.

mumeeee · 22/10/2016 10:33

Sorry. just seen you update OP sounds like a good decision to me

nocake · 22/10/2016 11:54

Good call on the drop and run... to the nearest coffee shop for some peace and quiet.

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