Both parents going to party (plus extra child)?

[FlapsTie]

Ds2 has his second ever birthday party this morning for a child at school (he's in reception). It's a whole class party so there will be 30 children plus parents.

We both went to the first party as it was his first proper one and we wanted to watch him have fun, this meant we had to take 12yo DD with us as she can't be left at home with ds1 (14) as they fight. We were the only couple there, and the only ones who had brought an extra child along (obviously she didn't join in or eat anything, just sat with us).

So I'm overthinking this morning and I've come to the conclusion that only one of us should go this time, most likely DH as a) he drives and b) I have social anxiety and will struggle to go alone. I just think people will look at us with dd and wonder why one of us didn't stay at home. And we'll be thought of as 'that family'.

DH, although happy to go alone, thinks I'm overthinking and it would be fine.

This is a completely new school for us (not the school the older dc went to) and a new group of people, none of whom I knew before ds2 started) and I'm a bit hyper aware of making any awful social faux pas.

I know it's really not the biggest issue in the world but what would you think if it was your child's birthday and a child turned up with both parents and a sibling?

AIBU to think it's not the done thing?

I agree with a pp. the invited dc coming with mum, dad and older sibling coming to one party would be unusual but I wouldn't think it was odd.
I would probably assumed you were on the way out to somewhere else.
But I wouldn't do it regularly.

But nobody is suggesting the child has to be left alone? Just take one parent, no need to make it a family affair

I think the couples who can't seem to do anything alone are a bit bizarre. Like the dad who insisted on coming to the BF support group every single time with other children in tow too I was starting to wonder if there was a control or co-dependency issue going on. I also know someone who never goes to the GP without her partner.

Unless you're all invited you don't go... End of.

You both went along to 'watch him'? That is very odd, esp with a third child. And you dragged your poor 12yo along? Interesting that 'they [both] fight', but your 14yo ds gets to stay at home but your dd is dragged along for something revolving around your younger ds. Way to give your dd middle child syndrome - or do things generally revolve around the males in your house?

I would find it weird if you all came tbh

Only one parent needs to go, not two.

DD wanted to come and ds1 didn't, they were offered the choice. She sat with her iPad while the party was happening, she wasn't dragged there.

We've decided I'll go, DH will drop us off and pick us up. I need to use it as an opportunity to be sociable, on good days I do force myself to chat at the school gates so it's not like I don't know anyone at all.

I think it sounds really unfair on DD to make her he the one who has to come out with you. If both she and her older brother fight why is she always being punished? And attending a kindergarten party sounds like punishment for a 12 year old.

Ds1 isn't left behind in our lives at all, we do plenty together. But he would rather cover himself in honey and run through a field of bees than attend a 5yo birthday party. Although we do make him come to his younger cousins' parties

Cross posted. I think it's odd she'd want to come but I'm glad she got the choice.

Honestly, DD wanted to come last time. It was an opportunity for her to get an hour's iPad time, and also spend some time with me and DH without the other two (ds2 being occupied at the party).

I'd concentrate on the behaviour of your eldest two children rather than focussing on firsts for a new child. At their ages, they should be able to stay home not get dragged to infant activities.

It's very weird for a whole family to attend and very rude to take along uninvited siblings.

How old is your son?

Sorry, but I really did laugh at you all turning up to watch him at the first party he went to.

Priceless!

TBH at this point they probably could be left together at home, DD would stay downstairs and ds1 would stay in his room. However, DD really doesn't like being left at home and avoids it, she'll always want to come with us or go to grandparents if we need to go somewhere.

I don't go out alone.
When my dcs have a party, if both are invited, both me and DH go. If we have childcare etc, we both go with the one child. If the one child who can't go is home, I stay home and DH takes the other one.

Neither of mine are 12 though. Is there anything nearby that the 12 year old could do? Or could they visit a friend? There are plenty of places a 12 year old could be rather than home or the party

I know, we're a bit twatty about him because he's the baby (we won't be having any more). We both did the first day at school run as well (although tbf we did with all of them).

It does depend what it is though. If there is eg a cafe where you'll be waiting, it could be fine to take dd. We often go places before or after birthday parties (especially ones that we need to drive to), so it isn't that weird to be there as a family.

Note - not if it is at someone's house

The best thing about parties is dropping your child off and leaving to do shopping or whatever.

Now, this might be a bit early for you - although I think we did leave DD as soon as school parties started.

However, no way would both parents want to waste their time tbh.

Surely only the parent without the anxieties needs to go - as a maximum.

I'd be working on that then, tbh, OP (your dd's anxiety about being left home alone). Could she be picking up on your anxiety? I obv wouldn't be leaving a 12yo for more than a couple of hours, but my 11yo relishes a quiet hour or so alone when he gets the opportunity.

I do appreciate logistics can be difficult, as I have exactly the age gaps you do (dc a bit younger - 11, 9 and 1). But that makes it important for the family to pull together a bit and make compromises - the older two need to be trustworthy enough to be left together, you and dh need to appreciate that the PFB ship has well and truly sailed , and you need to be able to do stuff like parties alone (well done for today btw).

I was also interested in the situation that led to your 12yo daughter being the one taken with you because of the fighting.
Is she anxious about being left at home because the 14yo is the badly behaved one?
In which case, he's the one that should be brought out.

As to the party - just one adult go. It's lovely to do first school fun together, but that's an event. First party invitation isn't, really. If you both like to watch him (I get that!) then just alternate the parties.

If anything, DD is the badly behaved one out of the two, she winds her brothers up constantly. On her own, she's an angel. She's not anxious about being left at home, she just likes company.