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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by what DH just said?

42 replies

TheDonOfWinterville · 21/10/2016 23:47

We were watching a comedy and a woman answered the phone to her husband who was basically saying she needed to go home as he couldn't cope with the kids. The woman had a lightbulb moment and snapped back "No! I'm out with my friends so get on with it!" Or words to that effect.

I laughed and joked "you think that's me!" And he replied ....

"Err yeah, apart from our version would be you saying "get on with it" and me saying "errr they 're not my kids!".

My kids are from previous relationship. We have none together.

I was joking, he took it to the next, personal level.

Aibu to think this was mean and unneccessary?

I told him it was a bit of a low blow and he shrugged it off. Was not at all bothered that he'd upset me.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Heratnumber7 · 21/10/2016 23:48

Well, they aren't his kids....

Original poster
TheDonOfWinterville · 21/10/2016 23:50

I realise that but he feels the need to remind me of this quite often. Usually at the same time as waffling on about how perfect his own kids are.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 21/10/2016 23:50

It seems a fairly spectacularly shitty thing to say Hmm. What sort of relationship does he have with them?

KC225 · 21/10/2016 23:53

He didn't upset you, it wasn't an actual conversation and he didn't 'say' it. There is no need for you to be upset unless you think there is an underlying issue.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 21/10/2016 23:53

It sounds mean but I'm wondering if he thought you were being mean to equate him with someone who couldn't cope with the DCs?
It seems like you made a barbed comment so he made one back.
Of course if you have a history of arguing about looking after the DCs and him not treating them like his own, then that is a problem you do need to address.

e1y1 · 21/10/2016 23:54

YANBU - the constant need to be reminding you that they're not his, is a spectacularly shitty thing to do.

SailingThroughTime · 21/10/2016 23:56

You need to talk but wait till you're calm.

HeddaGarbled · 22/10/2016 00:16

Hmm, not sure. You say that you were joking and he took it to the next personal level but might he have seen your "joke" as a personal comment? I don't really understand your comment in the context of the programme you were watching. "You think that's me" does sound a bit like an accusation.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/10/2016 00:18

Can you explain what you mean by reminding you at the same time as his kids being perfect, like give an example?

TirednessIsComing · 22/10/2016 07:52

Does he do this a lot? It sounds like you made a comment and he made one back. Does he think he does a lot more for your kids then you give him credit for?

Nataleejah · 22/10/2016 08:24

Yeah, shitty thing to say and especially if its not a one-off

Penfold007 · 22/10/2016 08:27

Your 'joke' backfired.

SharkBastard · 22/10/2016 08:29

Does he provide for the children? Has he always held this view?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 22/10/2016 08:31

I think you were having a pop at him, so he had a pop back. No big deal.

WhooooAmI24601 · 22/10/2016 08:31

Oh I think I agree with Sailing that you need a talk. I have a DS with an Ex, I don't think DH has ever - in nearly 9 years together - reminded me that he's not his child. Because I don't think it matters to him.

leaveittothediva · 22/10/2016 08:33

I think there may be some ongoing issues, especially if it hit a nerve for you to be so annoyed. Maybe, think about why it upset you so.

Lessthanaballpark · 22/10/2016 08:37

"you think that's me!" Isn't really poking fun at DH though more at herself. More importantly he wasn't bothered that he'd upset her.

So much hurt in relationships would be avoided if people just apologised off the bat without thinking that an apology = admission of wrongdoing.

And by people I mean men Wink

Original poster
TheDonOfWinterville · 22/10/2016 08:39

The "you think that is me!" Joke is something we often say to each other for a laugh. For instance if a geeky bloke with glasses comes on tv dh will say "you think that's me!" And we'll both laugh. If a woman comes on tv shoving chocolate into her mouth ill say "you think that's me!" And again we'll laugh about it. It's something daft we've done forever.

My kids are loud and outspoken with confidence. Dh's kids are extremely anxious, quiet and self conscious. In all the years I've known dh I have honestly never seen his kids actually speak to each other. They're now late teens and exactly the same and dh equates this to good behaviour and will often waffle on about how he has to put up with my kids yet his own are angels blah blah. I'm just getting a bit sick of the constant digs. It upsets me already that Dh and I will never have a child together so the constant reminder that we're not a real family is just making me want to sack the whole thing off completely. What's the point if we'll never be a real family?

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 22/10/2016 08:45

Was it Bad Moms? (off topic, sorry!)

Hmm...does he have a point about your kids, honestly? Loud and outspoken is sometimes a euphemism for bratty.

But yes if this is something you say often it does seem like an odd response unless there's something underlying that he's not saying. How old were the kids when he entered their lives?

booklooker · 22/10/2016 08:47

Maybe you never will be a 'real' family while you hold that really nasty view of his children.

You seem to think that your own children are the anglels

Giselaw · 22/10/2016 08:50

If you never see his kids speak to each other, did it not occur to you that it's you? I doubt they actually don't communicate. Maybe you're as outgoing as your children and they're intimidated by you. Or don't like you, so don't engage with you.

Original poster
TheDonOfWinterville · 22/10/2016 08:50

Yes it was bad moms 😄

My eldest is very confident and a good lad. He's currently away for the weekend with friends.
My youngest has behavioural issues which I'm trying to work on but just get constant digs about all the time. It makes me think life would be easier for all involved if I could concentrate on his bahviour elsewhere - away from the extra pressures of DH constantly getting at me about it.

And in all honestly, I'd rather have my kids the way they are then afraid of their own shadows like dss's are. I sometime so think dh is secretly anxious about the way his own kids are and that manifests itself into slagging me and mine off.

OP posts:
TirednessIsComing · 22/10/2016 08:50

Do you call him out on the digs? Sounds like his tooting his own parenting horn and finding yours lacking.

Digs are unpleasant and I wouldn't stay with someone who said they had to 'put up with my kids.' It sounds like you are very different in parenting styles and that he feels your kids need more discipline while you feel his were stifled.

stitchglitched · 22/10/2016 08:51

Are you the one with the teenage boys that he treats like crap and you were advised repeatedly not to marry him? Sounds familiar.

Original poster
TheDonOfWinterville · 22/10/2016 08:54

How is it nasty to say his kids are anxious and self conscious if that is what they are? And it's not just when I'm around, they're like it at parties, family get together - everywhere. DH says himself that his kids don't communicate with each other and never have.

OP posts: