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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by what DH just said?

42 replies

TheDonOfWinterville · 21/10/2016 23:47

We were watching a comedy and a woman answered the phone to her husband who was basically saying she needed to go home as he couldn't cope with the kids. The woman had a lightbulb moment and snapped back "No! I'm out with my friends so get on with it!" Or words to that effect.

I laughed and joked "you think that's me!" And he replied ....

"Err yeah, apart from our version would be you saying "get on with it" and me saying "errr they 're not my kids!".

My kids are from previous relationship. We have none together.

I was joking, he took it to the next, personal level.

Aibu to think this was mean and unneccessary?

I told him it was a bit of a low blow and he shrugged it off. Was not at all bothered that he'd upset me.

AIBU??

OP posts:
toptoe · 22/10/2016 08:55

How old were your dc when he became their step parent? and how long have you been together? Where do all the children (his and yours) live?

If your children were young when you married and you've lived together as they have grown then I think it odd that he doesn't consider himself a very close step parent and proud of how he has helped them grow.

Also, the fact that you haven't seen his children interact much suggests that he doesn't have them under your roof very often. So is he not seeing his own children very often or something?

Jinxxx · 22/10/2016 08:58

You could take his retort to suggest that he feels that it is/would be more of a challenge to look after the children as they are not his, and perhaps that he feels you don't recognise that it might be harder for him. I think a lot of step parents find it hard to find their feet and doesn't mean they don't love the children or sincerely want to be part of a "proper" family.

Original poster
TheDonOfWinterville · 22/10/2016 08:59

My kids were 10 and 12 when we got together. They're now 18 and 16. He sees one or both of his kids most weekends but as they're in their 20s now they inevitably don't want to come every week. DH gets upset by this but honestly, access visits at 20 years old? Naturally I get the blame for them not coming even though to everyone else its perfectly bloody natural that two young men don't want to go to daddies every Saturday night.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 22/10/2016 09:00

How long have you been living all together? If it's been years then I think it's an odd thing to say to you.

LemonSqueezy0 · 22/10/2016 09:00

You don't seem to like his kids very much, but expect him to love yours? You both seem to have the same issue tbh.. You had a dig, and he dug back- Doesn't sound like there's a healthy relationship between you...

Serialweightwatcher · 22/10/2016 09:03

Don't think OP was having a dig by her comment, sounded more like she was taking the mick out of herself, but if you live together and are in relationship, he was mean to say that - way below the belt

TirednessIsComing · 22/10/2016 09:04

But op it's about perception. You say anxious and lacking in self confidence while your dh may say introverted and quiet.

You may say confident and outspoken and your dh may say rude and noisy.

Has he been like this for 8 years and yet only now it's annoying?

MuffyTheUmpireSlayer · 22/10/2016 09:05

It's a shitty thing to say and having read the thread it seems there are more issues with this on both parts.

Original poster
TheDonOfWinterville · 22/10/2016 09:05

I do like them but they're very difficult to talk to because of their anxiety. I do try but often get one word answers or see then visibly become uncomfortable and anxious. They're not just like this with me, even when dh has family down they're a bag of nerves and sit there avoiding all eye contact and not talking.

I do recognise it's harder for him living with my kids and I tell him this all the time, however he seems to want the impossible from me and I just don't know how to make our lives any better. He's just so negative all the time

OP posts:
green18 · 22/10/2016 09:07

Depends on how your relationship is, how your sense of humour is. In the context of the wording of the joke, it is funny. Sounds as though it touched a vulnerable part of you. I bet if you told him how you felt, if he is a decent man, he would apologise.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 22/10/2016 09:10

Hmm, yes I see you weren't having a pop at him now, I couldn't quite see the context in your op.

Maybe he has issues about your perception of his dc, and was thus point scoring.

You need an honest conversation with him.

franincisco · 22/10/2016 09:12

I realise that but he feels the need to remind me of this quite often. Usually at the same time as waffling on about how perfect his own kids are.

Why are so upset that you can't have a child together? He sounds like a right tool. He has a line between his and your children, so doesn't consider you all to be a family unit.

Regarding the behavioural issues, he always sounds like a prize twat. In all honesty OP I would get rid and concentrate on my children (whoa re in need of extra help from what you have said)

franincisco · 22/10/2016 09:13

he also not always

53rdAndBird · 22/10/2016 09:13

How does he behave around your DC? Is he generally kind and supportive, or is he mean/distant/critical?

toptoe · 22/10/2016 09:15

So, he blames you for the fact that his 20 something dc don't visit often? That's not on (unless you are unkind to them in some way). They probably have a lot else going on. His expectations do seem a bit off the mark. They might be more confident with their peers.

Do you think your dh has contributed to the social anxiety of his children or do you think it is personality?

Also, what do you think is causing your dc's behaviour issues? Is this anxiety based?

He's known your dc for 6 years then and should feel more connected to them. You shouldn't be apologising for having your dc or their issues. You are a family unit. I can see this being damaging to your dc's esteem if they are aware their step dad thinks they are baggage and that you are apologising for their existence. Don't ever apologise for them again. If they misbehave, correct the behaviour but don't be apologising to your dh for it.

What sort of behaviour issue do you have? Is it really an issue or has it been blown out of proportion by your dh's odd expectations of children and other adults?

TirednessIsComing · 22/10/2016 09:19

So given that this happens a lot and always has, what will you do about it?

Call him out on it?
Separate?
Continue to let it go on?

SheldonCRules · 22/10/2016 09:22

He told the truth, they aren't his children. Just as you call his children his. Both sides seem to resent the others childrens, that comes through very clearly in the post. Having a joint child won't solve the issues or make you "a real family" as you claim.

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