Another week of loneliness and discouragement at school drop off /pick up time. Feeling very sad and isolated. I just wanna share

[btfly2]

a conversation, a coffee, a nice get together, nothing...I tried my best ( I feel anxious and shy about socials) and tried v hard but after all the effort all I can hear is polite excuses and indifference.
I'm seriously thinking to pay someone else to collect my kids from school to avoid those two moments of my day...sorry to post this but I needed it. No extended family or close friendships nearby... At home we are a very self contain unit but apart from that I'm on my own most of the time and it feels incredibly painful and lonely...what's wrong with me? Sometimes I wish to disappear , that's it really...very sad.

Totally agree that the school gates are not the place to make friends. I made friends with other parents who do similar activities to me. We happened to have children in the same class at school but some of my friends don't have children in the same class or school as my children.

Our local library has some great activities going on. I also am heavily involved in local school based activities, sitting on a board for early education and I also do extensive charity work. All of these things don't cost money to do. If you have the money to spare I would get exercising and join a walking group or do art tours. Try a few things and see how they go.

Why do you feel the need to be friends with other parents? I'd rather save myself the drama and the gossip so am perfectly happy to keep to myself and actually enjoy those two quiet times of the day where i can get some time to think.

Btw, as with RiverTam's experience, it can depend on the school. Ours was small and the head teacher encouraged parental interaction through having contact details of parents available to all (you could opt out of this if you wanted to) organising lots of different events, and basically fostering a "one big family" atmosphere/ethos which definitely helps in fact it was sometimes difficult to avoid people -you didn't want to see--! Seriously though, it meant newcomers felt supported, and as an expat, I really appreciated that.

I've had experience of two schools. Both in the 'unfriendly' south. One, very friendly, used to arrive early to chat to people and they always hung around after drop off/pick up.

Unfortunately had to move away from there. Next school, completely different. In 9 years of going to that school, I made only one proper friend. We still see each other even though our sons who were in the same class are now adults. Funnily enough, I recently discovered that another mother there and I have loads in common, our lives have been curiously intertwined, yet we rarely spoke at school.

I second joining a class or club or meeting people through an interest eg regular swimming or volunteering. I've started doing that sort of thing in the last year and, although I can't count anyone as a particular friend yet, I've met some lovely people.

I don't think people have the time anymore.

My sister's kids are older than mine and they were always doing breakfasts/coffees/trips to the park after school.

A few years later, there are a handful of parents at my dc's school who hang around the gates chatting, everyone else seems to be too busy.

I work from home but I only have a certain few hours in the day to get stuff done so I'm a drop-and-goer.

I have, however, made friends (or at least, someone you could grab a coffee with) through the dc various activities. Seems to be more waiting around times/events that you see people at. So that might be a better way to go?

I think it would be hard to make friends through the school run alone.

When DS started school we got a distribution list of all the parents names and someone - might have been me I can't remember - organised a get together for the DMs and then through someone else I got invited to a monthly pub quiz. Also made friends through DS's friendships.

I would say if you have the time to do it, you could try being actively involved with the school. Join the PTA, volunteer to be parent helper at the outings. Or if your DC is in rainbows/beavers then volunteer to be on the committee for that - they'll bite your hand off guaranteed.

I work p/t and I have to admit by the time I've rushed out of work and to the school gates to pick up DS, I'm not at my most wildly sociable and if I do talk to others I crave the familiarity of people I know. I tend to drop and run now as DS older, but ditto when I did drop off as 50% of my attention was on getting DS through the door and 50% on not being late at work (actually more like 80/20 in favour of work) so again not much energy for new friendships.

So in short widen your net, get more involved in the school, organise a drinks evening yourself if you feel brave enough.

I always feel so guilty, when I read threads like this, I always smile and have a brief chat with some of the other Mums, but that's enough for me, I just don't get involved. Several have suggested play dates, but I always decline, my boy plays out with his little gang in the street so there's no need to have school friends visiting,. I already have an established friendship circle , I work, so there's not much time to fill.

You're probably unlucky in that your school years, similar to me, it's not any reflection on you as a person, it's just that people have different priorities.

I'm in the minority here but I think a lot depends on the school. The first school my 2 went to I made friends with other parents. I volunteered at the school doing various jobs and got to get to know quite a few socially (not just on play dates.) We met for coffee, went for walks when kids were at school. We also socialised as a family with other families. We babysat for each other's kids/house sat/fed cats etc. There was a real community spirit. That was in the USA.
We moved back to a slightly larger town in the U.K and I was expecting a similar sort of thing. I'm friendly, chatty and fairly outgoing. I barely even got a smile or acknowledgement from the other parents at pick up. Even when I volunteered on school trips I was the "new kid on the block" and was ignored mostly. I got invited in for a cuppa once or twice when picking up from a play date. The kids stopped being friends so it didn't happen again. Then they got a bit older so no more picking up and dropping off
I agree with pp.....try joining a club.
It's not pleasant feeling lonely and isolated. Hope things turn around for you soon xx

Waltermitty has a point about making friends at after school activities. We made some good friends with the parents in ds's football team as we spent so much time together. Sadly the friendships fizzled out along with the team when the boys started to drop football but it was fun while it lasted!

Join the PTA! They are always crying out for people, and then you will always know someone at the school gate and have something to talk about.

Perhaps you'd be happier at library groups or volunteering in a charity shop. Don't expect too much too soon, both of these may also be cliquey so it takes a while to be accepted and included. You may be disappointed if you expect too much too soon.

I've experience of 3 schools. In all of them there are mums who tend to stand together because, you know what? They're friends who go out together etc.
I mean how many people have arrived at a crowded place and thought "Well there's that group that I go down to the pub with on Saturdays and there's some people that I don't really know. Who shall I go and talk to? Definitely the people I don't know."

I've made some friends at the school gate. Not close friends, but people I'll say hello to and perhaps swap news of the dc after they've left. But I've gone up and joined in groups, and I've also talked to the person I happen to be standing next to and never had anyone tell me to go away or indicate I'm not welcome there.

But the friends I've made haven't been like a girls' school story where I've walked in and everyone's been desperate to make friends with me. It's been gradual. Perhaps finding something in common, perhaps volunteering to help someone out, perhaps just bumping into them in town and ending up going for coffee.
It's not something I ever planned "I am going to make a friend at the school gate today."

Reminds me of dd1's description at preschool on how to make friends (she's very cautious). "You do something together one day. Then maybe the next day you choose to do something together. Then you play together a few more times. And then you realise that you're a little bit friends."
Compared to dd2's definition (not very cautious). "When you've smiled twice then they're one of your best friends".
You seem to be expecting the latter, whereas the former is much more getting a firm friendship. Dd1 at that age would take a long time to make friends, but they were friends for life. Dd2 would make a new best friend every week, and then never play with them again.

I think when you feel like an outsider, it always seems like other people are having a better time, more friends, a social life etc.

In reality people are just living there lives.

The worst way to go about making new friends is being desperate for them. People can sense it from miles away and it makes every interaction loaded with something funky.

the school gate thing is not something I know a lot about but in my mind, you arrive, smile and make small talk for 5 mins, get child, then go home. That's it. That's all you need to do.

*their

MyPeriodFeatures Thank you! That's what I call a clear message. I think you are right...my social skills are rubbish anyway. I've been severely bullied as a young girl, teenager...went to all girls school and I think is still haunting me. Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and write here, I feel better now knowing I have some company online! I always followed mumsnetters and reading until very late some nights. I can't believe now I'm even posting some threads. Great feedback and advice ( I'm in tears while writing) Thank you all!!

You sound lovely!

I'm sure you'll meet a couple of people you'll click with.