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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another week of loneliness and discouragement at school drop off /pick up time. Feeling very sad and isolated. I just wanna share

66 replies

btfly2 · 21/10/2016 14:30

a conversation, a coffee, a nice get together, nothing...I tried my best ( I feel anxious and shy about socials) and tried v hard but after all the effort all I can hear is polite excuses and indifference.
I'm seriously thinking to pay someone else to collect my kids from school to avoid those two moments of my day...sorry to post this but I needed it. No extended family or close friendships nearby... At home we are a very self contain unit but apart from that I'm on my own most of the time and it feels incredibly painful and lonely...what's wrong with me? Sometimes I wish to disappear , that's it really...very sad.

OP posts:

Sunshineonacloudyday · 21/10/2016 15:22

It always seemed like they were all part of some great big friendship club which I was the only one who wasn't a member of.

I can relate to that statement everyone would be so nice and say hello. You try to penetrate that group and be part of it it will never happen.

SandyDenny · 21/10/2016 15:22

There's nothing wrong with wanting to make friends at th schoolgate, I think it's a bit odd to dismiss potential friends on the basis that you only know them because your children are at school together - how strange.

If you don't know anyone school is the perfect place to start. Is there a PTA or similar group, could you be a governor or help out during the school day. Don't give up but maybe start with a group rather than trying to arrange 1 to 1 coffees, I'm a really sociable person but would be a little wary of coffee date with someone new on my own in case we just didn't click.

Keep trying and as others have said don't take it personally if people don't have time to spare

RiverTam · 21/10/2016 15:23

I'm so pleased DD doesn't attend the schools that most MNers seem to frequent. Ours is really friendly, people chat and yes, go for coffee etc. I've been to two 40th birthdays that were school gate friends this year. And as I have no local family and now have a poorly family member I have to see frequently, I have solid kind helpful back up at school.

But it seems our school is unusual, which is rather sad.

pugsake · 21/10/2016 15:25

That sucks op. I don't tend to socialise but I have anxiety. That's my fault not the other parents.

I made one friend and have two mums on FB DD is in year 6 now. Don't despair it's their problem not yours.

user1474627704 · 21/10/2016 15:26

I think it's a bit odd to dismiss potential friends on the basis that you only know them because your children are at school together - how strange

It might be strange if anyone said that, but thats "dismissing potential friends" is a world away from not expecting everyone to fawn over you just because you go to the same place at the same time!

Of course some people will make friends, people can and do make friends everywhere. It's the expectation thats the problem. You might get the same bus as people regularly all the time but you would never complain that none of them had invited you for coffee!

user1474627704 · 21/10/2016 15:27

Don't despair it's their problem not yours

See, there you go Whereas in reality, its not anyones problem because there is no problem.

PerspicaciaTick · 21/10/2016 15:27

RiverTam, I don't think your school is unusual but I do think that your experience is positive because you are on the inside of the friendship groups (which is lovely and clearly they are kind, supportive people). But even at your school there may well be women who feel on the outside, who do not know how to break into the circle of friendships and who watch you chatting about parties and coffee with your friends knowing that they will probably not speak to another adult all day.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 21/10/2016 15:28

Honestly you may not have anything in common with those people which is probably why you haven't clicked with them. Go to a group that you enjoy and meet people that way at least you will have something in common with them. I found some of the mums boring at the school gate there were few mums down there I didn't mind talking to but the majority (yawn).

kawolski · 21/10/2016 15:29

I think it's a bit odd to dismiss potential friends on the basis that you only know them because your children are at school together - how strange

I don't dismiss them. I just don't expect it. I try and be kind and polite to everyone but I don't see why we would try and force a friendship because our children are in the same class. If we are going to be friends it will happen naturally.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 21/10/2016 15:30

RiverTam is your school a country school?

pugsake · 21/10/2016 15:30

User5fuckingthousand

Change your bloody name.

Of course if could be. What the fuck is the point in excluding someone for no reason.

It's nasty and petty. Not op's problem.

And change your name if you want to be took seriously.

RiverTam · 21/10/2016 15:33

But I wasn't in the inside to begin with. The two birthdays I mentioned were for women I didn't know 2 years ago.

And this is in 'unfriendly' London!

motherinferior · 21/10/2016 15:33

I second the 'invite the kids round' approach. Offer a drink when the parents pick up.

But then I too live in that alternate universe where I have met really solid, supportive friends at the school gate.

RiverTam · 21/10/2016 15:33

Xpost with Sunshine. No, it's in inner London.

pugsake · 21/10/2016 15:34

I've been back answered by a user it's like DD3 answering back I can't take it seriously

Op are you southern? Might be a regional thing im northern and everyone talks to everyone. Not stereotyping at all it's just what I'm used too.

shovetheholly · 21/10/2016 15:36

OP, I am sorry you feel this way. Sometimes you get bad days where you just get unlucky with people, but if you are vulnerable it can feel like a big social rejection. Keep smiling and being polite. I am sure you are wonderful and really fun to know.

Bestthingever · 21/10/2016 15:36

My oldest ds started primary school in 2004 and I've noticed the playground becoming less and less friendly over the years. Even my teenage dcs comment when they come to pick up their dsis with me. People are less likely to organise play dates, whole class parties or support school or pta activities. It feels like everyone is in their own bubble. I noticed most mums in dd's year work whereas when ds1 started most didn't. I know now that I'm back at work I'm too tired to make conversation in the playground. Is it just our school that has changed?

Sunshineonacloudyday · 21/10/2016 15:37

pugsake its not as easy as that friendships do take work its not like when you are a child yourself adult friendship is different. I don't think people are intentionally leaving the op out I just think they are in their comfort zone. I have always looked at groups like that as cliquey.

Strikingclock · 21/10/2016 15:40

I met lots of friends at my daughter's primary school (many of whom I am still friends with now) but I didn't get to know them at the school gate (hardly saw them there actually) but met them through volunteering, class events, play dates etc. Get involved and volunteer op and one friend will lead to another! Good luck with it!

Sunshineonacloudyday · 21/10/2016 15:41

RiverTam you are lucky but there is so many people living in London you're bound to find some one you get on with.

bunnyfuller · 21/10/2016 15:41

I understand OP. At my kids schools most of the mums went to school together and aren't terribly interested in even passing the time of day with you. I've been openly snubbed at parties where one mum actually grabbed a chair and placed it in front of me so I wasn't part of the group! My kids are at middle school now, it's still the same. Get yourself out to other stuff xx I used to hear the arrangements being made between them, very hurtful. Cliquey people :-(

LunaLoveg00d · 21/10/2016 15:41

Could not agree more with everything said above. You can't form friendship based on 5 minutes twice a day when people are rushing off to work or have younger children to look after. My friends at the school gate are people I know in other ways - through the PTA or because their kids are friends with my kids or because we went on a school trip as helpers together.

It's unrealistic to look at the school run as this massive social event. People who think they're going to meet bosom buddies on the school run then don't are the ones who think it's all cliques and bitches.

Strikingclock · 21/10/2016 15:45

Another good way to get to know other parents is to have a class party at home (I know, I know) and invite parents to stay for a quick drink at pick up time. You usually get half a dozen or so who are happy to stay for a chat!

BabyGanoush · 21/10/2016 15:45

Maybe it's a bout expectations?

For me, school is about dropping kids off to school. I may idly chat to pass the time waiting, but am not looking for friendship or coffee dates.

Other mums sometimes seem to have close knit groups, but that does not mean it is how it should/must be.

I have met most of my friends through doing things I love (sport, hobbies)

If you start with tennis/crafting/knitting/book club and take to from there?

For example, I love rowing and at a rowing club it is easy to meet like minded people, who like being on the water and exercise outdoors, and may or may not have a cup of tea after.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 21/10/2016 15:47

I wouldn't say they are bitchy but cliquey most definitely. I remember 1 mum talking about another woman's child having ring worm and she is always in the school complaining. I only just started getting to know the woman they were slagging of but that didn't stop me from talking to her. I don't walk around judging people and I am not a cliquey person.

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