I am definitely BU but not sure by how much - parental school-involvement.

[LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea]

I am a WOHM (3 days a week out, 2 in) and work school hours. My friend is a SAHM. She is very involved in her son's primary school, volunteers there and now has an official role there. She was talking the other day about how rewarding it is and how she feels it is really important to be an involved parent, although she did add the caveat that it's just her opinion.

Now I, on the other hand, am really quite uninvolved we drop the DC off at breakfast club 5 days a week because they like it, and collect from a childminder 3 times a week due to work constraints; therefore I have only ever had one glance into DS1's classroom (on the first day of term!) and rarely chat to the teacher other than pleasantries on the 2 days a week when I collect. I am quite happy with our set-up. I have volunteered to go along on trips, and listen to my son when he talks about his friends, and have arranged playdates after school with them at our house - I feel like I'm not being entirely neglectful!

I know my friend is a bit bemused at my lack of inclination to get involved in school management/my son's daily school life, and tbh I can see why because it is so different to hers. However, I think I know why I feel this way; my own mother taught at my school until I was 16 and I found it horribly claustrophobic. I felt like she was always there and I couldn't escape her, and resented what felt like her constant attempts to burrow into my head. She talked to teachers about how I'd behaved that day and berated me if it wasn't good enough (by her standards), and I lived in fear of teachers telling her I had done badly in a test because there would be hell to pay Obviously that relationship had other issues understatement but the upshot is that as a result of my own school experiences I strongly feel that kids need a bit of space in their lives, and that school fits that need perfectly. It can be a place where they learn how to make friends, behave appropriately and interact with adults/teachers on their own, without the safety net/constant looming presence (delete as appropriate) of mum/dad. Obviously this is the best-case scenario and precludes bullying, in which case I can see parents would be a welcome and needed addition.

Therefore, I know IABU to find my friend's set-up with her son (we see them once a week after school and the talk is always all about his school life) a bit claustrophobic. I'd never say this, of course - I smile and agree a lot - but I am starting to feel like my own approach comes off as the cold distant mother one (due to comments that she's made, where I might just be being sensitive) and that that description isn't necessarily fair.

I know IABU, at least in part but I guess my overall question is: do kids benefit from having some time without parents when they are at school? Is it very dependent on their personality, or can they all benefit from it?

The other thing is that you can do more exciting things in the classroom if you have parents in to help out. I'm. I'm a teacher and we thrilled if we get a parent in as it means we can get another craft activity on the go.

I think there's a balance. My dc get a bit sad if we don't turn up to the events like sports day, plays, coming to see their books. On the other hand I think they'd be horrified if I offered to help on class swimming day.

As my dc get older, I can see that they are learning to fight their own battles, without my interference. Often their way is the better way, because I'm not 10 and I'm not in that environment. To some extent they need to learn to resolve somes issues themselves. For example I would go in if I felt there was any sustained bullying. On the other hand I won't interfere if they've had a fall out with their friend. I might suggest ways they could resolve it themselves however, if they ask.

I have a couple of friends who are heavily involved with the school - they're on the PTA, they go in to help with reading/art and they accompany the dc on school trips. It's just a different way really. That's their choice. The school wouldn't function well if all parents were wanting to be this involved and not everyone's character is suited to it.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think some people like to get involved in things and some people just don't. I'm off the later of the two!!

Other than parents evenings and maybe bake sales and stuff like that, I work full time and have no inclination to get involved with school. Kids are quite happy too - for them, there's quite a clear distinction between school and home I don't belong at school!

DS1 cried, very surprisingly, when he had the school harvest festival recently and it transpired that neither DH or I could make it. He got over it quite quickly, but it did throw me a bit.

As others have said, involvement might need to depend on the child; DS1 is very like me in that he guards his feelings carefully and doesn't let important things slip, but DS2 is a bit more verbose and so might appreciate more of a parental presence.

I think it's more about preparing them really. My dc are fine if I've told them in advance I won't be coming. But I think you do have to make the effort to do some of it. It's horrible to be the dc whose parents never come.

Children benefit from having involved parents and from having space away. It's about balance and tuning into what your child would respond well to. As a SAHM (have worked full time and part time in the past so can see it from all angles) I feel that I should contribute to school life but if I worked full time then I would find it more difficult as I'd be busy. Maybe your friend feels that she is keeping you in the loop by talking about school.

My mum was very involved in my primary school, it was a small school so couldn't always avoid me and my sister, although I used to be more naughty and silly when she was around.

I volunteeer at brownies and guides (no dc of my own) and do find it rewarding, so I can see why your friend enjoys volunteering in the school

But I see "involvement" as things like taking and interest in what your child is learning, asking them about their day, practicing reading and spelling etc with them, encouraging them and supporting them with any issues they may have at school.

Obviously schools need some people to be more "involved" through volunteering, but not everyone can do that or wants to do that. Nothing wrong with that

I do go to what I can! DH has been to exactly 1 school event in 1.33 years so far, at my insistence I've been to nearly everything offered, if the kids are staging it - missed the phonics meeting with teachers as it just didn't work for us and was billed as voluntary.

The DC are in different schools so I don't think she's doing me a favour by keeping me apprised of her own son's life