I am definitely BU but not sure by how much - parental school-involvement.

[LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea]

I am a WOHM (3 days a week out, 2 in) and work school hours. My friend is a SAHM. She is very involved in her son's primary school, volunteers there and now has an official role there. She was talking the other day about how rewarding it is and how she feels it is really important to be an involved parent, although she did add the caveat that it's just her opinion.

Now I, on the other hand, am really quite uninvolved we drop the DC off at breakfast club 5 days a week because they like it, and collect from a childminder 3 times a week due to work constraints; therefore I have only ever had one glance into DS1's classroom (on the first day of term!) and rarely chat to the teacher other than pleasantries on the 2 days a week when I collect. I am quite happy with our set-up. I have volunteered to go along on trips, and listen to my son when he talks about his friends, and have arranged playdates after school with them at our house - I feel like I'm not being entirely neglectful!

I know my friend is a bit bemused at my lack of inclination to get involved in school management/my son's daily school life, and tbh I can see why because it is so different to hers. However, I think I know why I feel this way; my own mother taught at my school until I was 16 and I found it horribly claustrophobic. I felt like she was always there and I couldn't escape her, and resented what felt like her constant attempts to burrow into my head. She talked to teachers about how I'd behaved that day and berated me if it wasn't good enough (by her standards), and I lived in fear of teachers telling her I had done badly in a test because there would be hell to pay Obviously that relationship had other issues understatement but the upshot is that as a result of my own school experiences I strongly feel that kids need a bit of space in their lives, and that school fits that need perfectly. It can be a place where they learn how to make friends, behave appropriately and interact with adults/teachers on their own, without the safety net/constant looming presence (delete as appropriate) of mum/dad. Obviously this is the best-case scenario and precludes bullying, in which case I can see parents would be a welcome and needed addition.

Therefore, I know IABU to find my friend's set-up with her son (we see them once a week after school and the talk is always all about his school life) a bit claustrophobic. I'd never say this, of course - I smile and agree a lot - but I am starting to feel like my own approach comes off as the cold distant mother one (due to comments that she's made, where I might just be being sensitive) and that that description isn't necessarily fair.

I know IABU, at least in part but I guess my overall question is: do kids benefit from having some time without parents when they are at school? Is it very dependent on their personality, or can they all benefit from it?

[LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea]

I do go to what I can! DH has been to exactly 1 school event in 1.33 years so far, at my insistence I've been to nearly everything offered, if the kids are staging it - missed the phonics meeting with teachers as it just didn't work for us and was billed as voluntary.

The DC are in different schools so I don't think she's doing me a favour by keeping me apprised of her own son's life

[harderandharder2breathe]

My mum was very involved in my primary school, it was a small school so couldn't always avoid me and my sister, although I used to be more naughty and silly when she was around.

I volunteeer at brownies and guides (no dc of my own) and do find it rewarding, so I can see why your friend enjoys volunteering in the school

But I see "involvement" as things like taking and interest in what your child is learning, asking them about their day, practicing reading and spelling etc with them, encouraging them and supporting them with any issues they may have at school.

Obviously schools need some people to be more "involved" through volunteering, but not everyone can do that or wants to do that. Nothing wrong with that

[ilovechocolate07]

Children benefit from having involved parents and from having space away. It's about balance and tuning into what your child would respond well to. As a SAHM (have worked full time and part time in the past so can see it from all angles) I feel that I should contribute to school life but if I worked full time then I would find it more difficult as I'd be busy. Maybe your friend feels that she is keeping you in the loop by talking about school.

[user1470997562]

I think it's more about preparing them really. My dc are fine if I've told them in advance I won't be coming. But I think you do have to make the effort to do some of it. It's horrible to be the dc whose parents never come.

[LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea]

DS1 cried, very surprisingly, when he had the school harvest festival recently and it transpired that neither DH or I could make it. He got over it quite quickly, but it did throw me a bit.

As others have said, involvement might need to depend on the child; DS1 is very like me in that he guards his feelings carefully and doesn't let important things slip, but DS2 is a bit more verbose and so might appreciate more of a parental presence.

[FeliciaJollygoodfellow]

Other than parents evenings and maybe bake sales and stuff like that, I work full time and have no inclination to get involved with school. Kids are quite happy too - for them, there's quite a clear distinction between school and home I don't belong at school!

[buckyou]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think some people like to get involved in things and some people just don't. I'm off the later of the two!!

[user1470997562]

I think there's a balance. My dc get a bit sad if we don't turn up to the events like sports day, plays, coming to see their books. On the other hand I think they'd be horrified if I offered to help on class swimming day.

As my dc get older, I can see that they are learning to fight their own battles, without my interference. Often their way is the better way, because I'm not 10 and I'm not in that environment. To some extent they need to learn to resolve somes issues themselves. For example I would go in if I felt there was any sustained bullying. On the other hand I won't interfere if they've had a fall out with their friend. I might suggest ways they could resolve it themselves however, if they ask.

I have a couple of friends who are heavily involved with the school - they're on the PTA, they go in to help with reading/art and they accompany the dc on school trips. It's just a different way really. That's their choice. The school wouldn't function well if all parents were wanting to be this involved and not everyone's character is suited to it.

[SavoyCabbage]

The other thing is that you can do more exciting things in the classroom if you have parents in to help out. I'm. I'm a teacher and we thrilled if we get a parent in as it means we can get another craft activity on the go.

[Happyhippy45]

I used to volunteer at my kids school. Library, lunch room, help organise class projects and parties, help with after school functions, school trips etc. I was a SAHP. I really enjoyed it AND my kids genuinely liked to se me in school. Both used to seek me out for a quick hug or a chat. It's good to be on their turf for a while and get to see what they have to endure everyday.

[cantstopeatingtoday]

From the age of about 11 I used to be what was known as a 'latchkey kid' (both parents worked full time and didn't get home till 6 each evening)
You know what? I loved it and my friends who had sahms were insanely jealous, because I had a few hours every day where I had room to breathe without a mother fussing over me all the time.
It gave me space and taught me how to be responsible.

A lot of parents are over involved in their children's lives. Their children don't get any space.

OP don't feel guilty.

[Witchend]

I agree with the Op mostly. My dm tended to get overinvolved (though not particularly at school). And being an independent one, I sometimes found it awkward. Otoh both my dsis and dbro loved it-however they'd stay with dm which prevented them making friends so they didn't want to go without dm so she'd volunteer to help again...

So I've always said I wouldn't work in a school my dc were in unless that was the only way to get them in. I have volunteered at school though, and, at a young age, the dc love it and it gives you an insight into the school life. It's lovely knowing some of their classmates in a different sort of way. I had a little reading group, and 10 years later they still come up and say hello, if in a slightly awkward way! I think I was quite popular as a parent though, it would be different if you weren't! I also requested I didn't take my dc's group and refused to get involved with any complaints when I was there-if they came to tell me about someone I'd redirect them to the teacher.

[SavoyCabbage]

I've done both.

We moved when my Dd was in year four. Her previous primary expected a lot of parental involvement and I was there a lot. From morning a week in her classroom to helping set up the school fair. At her new school I drop her at breakfast club three times a week and on the other days she just walks herself. I wouldn't recognise her teacher if I sat next to him on a bus whereas I practically knew the inside leg measurement of her last teacher's pet dog.

I think my DS preferred the first scenario although that may be just because she was used to it. The good thing about it I found was she knew that school was important to us and that we valued it. Also you do get to know their friends. We had a birthday party for dd this week and we hardly knew who we were looking after at the roller rink!

On the other hand dd is very excited that I am going in for harvest festival this afternoon! She wouldn't have even asked if I was going at her last school.

[redskytonight]

I would say this level of involvement is great at infants school level where children are very much encouraged to talk about "home stuff" and parents generally have to get very much hands on involved (if only in listening to your child read at home, and make sure they've got all the right stuff for school). I'd expect from about Y3 onwards, that school/home should start to become a lot more independent.

TBH based on my DC's schools, this seems to be something the schools themselves encourage. Infants school is very welcoming to parents, whereas junior you can still come in but much less frequently, and by the time you get to secondary school you know longer have a clue who any of your children's teachers are.

[BertPuttocks]

I volunteer in a school but I'm there as 'Bert' and not as 'the parent of the Puttocks children'. I get a lot out of it but I don't see it as something that particularly benefits my own children.

I'm not involved in anything to do with my own children's classes or even their year groups. In the last year or so I've probably spotted them twice in a corridor as we passed each other. I don't even see them in assembly as that's when I am busy helping out in a classroom.

I think it's better for my own children to have their own space at school without me. I wouldn't want to go on a school trip with them or work in their classroom as I think that changes the dynamic. I've also talked about it with my children before and their view is that they like the fact that I volunteer but are glad that I'm not in their class. :o

[Batteriesallgone]

A lot of schools benefit from parental involvement - but if they were overrun by competitive volunteers it wouldn't be any good at all! So you are both doing the 'right' thing.

The problem is not volunteering or not the problem is her making a value judgement on your parenting. And if that's her attitude it probably makes her a smug volunteer too which isn't what a good school needs.

If she's a good friend can you address this with her somehow? She needs to be pulled up on it by someone she cares about before she goes pissing off other parents she doesn't know that well

[YeOldMa]

Out of the 6 kids we have, I only got really involved with the school for the last one at Primary School age. I have to say, I was cajoled into it because having been a teacher, I really had had enough of the education system. However, I really enjoyed it. I played it by ear with the amount of involvement that included my own child. He was happy to have me around but if I felt it wasn't in his best interests, I'd remove myself. At Secondary School, he definitely wouldn't have wanted me there but most Secondary Schools don't want you there either.
My other children don't feel they missed out, the last one doesn't feel he did either. However, no matter what the situation, I was vigilant about their progress and social integration because that is where you would be remiss if you weren't. Of course, most schools cry out for PTA mums and it is a great way of making friends and keeping your finger on the pulse.

[VivienneWestwoodsKnickers]

YANBU. Your life is yours, hers is hers. Neither is the only way to live. You have your reasons and are happy with what you do, she is the same.

Don't judge your life against hers - she doesn't find it claustrophobic. There is no requirement for parents to act a particular way. My Dad taught at my primary school, and was my teacher for a year. That was awkward, and led to many bullying problems for me.

Your experiences don't have to mean that she is making the same problems for her child.

[JellyBelli]

Neither approach is wrong, you are both doing what suits you.

[ClaudiaApfelstrudel]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP, you're giving your DC the space they need to develop as individuals. School for me could benefit from being more focused on the kids and not on the parents.

You mentioned you've been in a few times, had a look at the classroom, and know the teacher enough to say hello. What more should you be asking of yourself? I think it shows a lot of care and strength of character to let your child get on with it and not interfere and butt in their lives all the time.

[RhiWrites]

I think you could tell her.

Say something like "it sounds like that level of involvement is really working for you. My way is different because of how things were with my own mother being over involved with my school. It's great that you've managed to find a good balance though."

[LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea]

We have interesting overlaps, Lobster - I lost a younger brother when I was 6 (he was 3) and I'm sure that didn't help matters wrt parental presence. I also wasn't allowed to walk to town (small Welsh town, not a major urban centre!) until I was 15 and was driven to most places.

I went to Uni 4000 miles away and revelled in it

[LobsterQuadrille]

I am completely with you, OP. I effectively replaced a child who was killed in a car accident (he was five) and my DM was so terrified of something happening to me that she didn't let me out of her sight. She set up a nursery and then taught at my school - I can still remember my first day at university and thinking "how do I cope without DM?" because I had been restricted so much - even meeting a friend in town wasn't permitted. My own experience was vastly different, partly because I was alone and in a foreign country and had to go back to full-time work when DD was six weeks old, but even if things had been different, I would always have wanted to take a step back from the stifling approach that my DM took.

Having said that, I have a great relationship these days with DM (86) and DD (18) and DD and I have discussed her grandmother's approach at length. I'm sure it's no coincidence that I chose a university as far away from home as possible and worked abroad for 10 years. It gave me the space that I really need to enable me to grow up unhindered.

YANBU at all.

[LaContessaDiPlumpOnSea]

Ah, she's not that bad Pictish! There is a tendency in all parent-related activites to assume that more involvement > less involvement, so I can see where she's coming from.

It does make me laugh when she asks my DS what he had for lunch that day though, because the same company apparently supplies both schools (our DC are at different places) and so she likes to see if our DC had the same. I have never asked DS what he had for lunch ever because frankly I don't care can't say that to her though as she gets a look at my ignorance!

[pictish]

To each their own!

"I know my friend is a bit bemused at my lack of inclination to get involved in school management/my son's daily school life"

She is being small minded and self involved being 'bemused'. She is not the standard by which you or anyone else should live and she is being bloody arrogant to behave as though she is.

I cannot stand those who cannot see any other way but their own. If she wants to hang out at school she can. It's no reflection on anyone else that they don't.

Tell her to pull her head out of her own bum.