Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is suspicious and I'm not insane?

55 replies

abbinob · 21/10/2016 05:38

Backstory: when I was pregnant with ds (3 years ago) dp and I didn't live together but one night he was completely ignoring my calls etc, which pissed me off as I was full term and it could have been important! Anyway he told me he was at home sleeping.
Didn't believe him, checked his phone and he'd call a woman from work 20 times at 1am. Turns out he was out at her leaving do and he was calling her to get her to come to a friends house with him and some others. It took a year to get that version of the truth, the first thing he told me was that he lost his friend and was calling her to see if she had seen him Hmm despite not one attempt at calling lost friend.
I was suspicious of him with her anyway as the only time I met her he ignored me at his work bbq and kept going inside to speak to her at the bar, leaving pregnant me alone with people ld never met so he could talk to her about her relationship problems Confused

Anyway I'm pretty sure something happened but I dropped it. I was really pregnant, quite young and just couldn't really deal with all the drama so I dropped it. So say her name was Jane smith (it isnt)

Then last night we were just having a conversation about how the thing where you speak to your phone is weird (like siri etc) and he said"yeah it's not like I would be on my phone in front of my friends and say 'check Jane Smith''s Facebook status'

Aibu to wonder why he's say that? Someone he apparently hasn't spoken to in 3 years, doesn't have her number, doesn't have her on Facebook etc so why would her name just decide to pop into his head for no reason!?

A weird part of me think he does things like that on purpose, because I'm pregnant again and he thinks he can? Or something like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
abbinob · 21/10/2016 14:22

See I don't know, some things he must do on purpose because no one could be that stupid to not be doing it on purpose for example:
The other day he was complaining about me never wanting sex at the moment, I said that's because recently he has no interest in me or talking to me apart from when he obviously wants sex, then afterwards just gets up and goes on the pc with his headphones on an goes back to ignoring me, and I feel a bit tired sometimes being pregnant and with a toddler and quite physical job etc. 10 minutes after having this conversation we had sex and then yep? Got up and went straight on his pc games and completely ignored me the rest of the night. There is just no way anyway can have that much of a lack if awareness to have not done that on purpose? I was probably being a bit needy but still, most boyfriend's would have at least made a bit of an effort not to be a dick.

OP posts:
ItShouldHaveBeenJessCastismas · 21/10/2016 14:30

You're not being needy. You're asking for a bit of respect, and if he's unwilling to give you that, when you are about to bring his second child into the world, then you need a Plan B. Very scary to be in your position without a supportive partner. Do you have friends and relatives who can help?

Goingtobeawesome · 21/10/2016 14:30

So what are you going to do about it? He won't change.

Marbleheadjohnson · 21/10/2016 14:34

He sounds really horrible. You don't sound like you are being needy, and even if you were, a pregnant woman looking after a 3 year old has every reason to be in need. Pestering you for sex is grim.

Original poster
abbinob · 21/10/2016 14:38

Not sure what I'm going to do about it but if we do break up, the flat is housing association and the tenancy is in my name so at least me and ds can just stay here.
It's more the idea of having a young baby and a 3 year old by myself that scares me though. I did live alone with ds when he was a baby/toddler (dp was being a wanker back then too, this is his second chance Hmm ) and it was fine but with two I'm not so sure id cope.
I know what I should do but I just don't seem to have the guts/energy to do it

OP posts:
toptoe · 21/10/2016 14:39

Yes he was taunting you. But there was an element of truth there too I think.

I would say that in all likelihood this Jane Smith is not involved with him. For him to call her 20 times she was obviously ignoring him and probably trying to go elsewhere. It sounds like harassment to me. He's harassing her and he's made a comment that he wouldn't want others to know what he's doing re. facebook stalking her.

He sounds like a total arsehat. He's treating you appaulingly. You don't have to have sex with him. You're pregnant and tired. But in fact you don't need an excuse. Just not being in the mood is enough.

Julju · 21/10/2016 14:40

He sounds like a knob.

In my experience, if someone immediately says you're being "mental" when you say you're worried about them deceiving you it's because they're deceiving you.

Even if he's not, you think he's said this woman's name knowing it will affect you.

I'm not going to say you need to LTB because I know that's unhelpful (but many would have left the first time) but you need to talk to him and figure out what he's behaving like a prick.

toptoe · 21/10/2016 14:41

Have you any family nearby who can lend a hand in the early days when baby is born?

PCDC · 21/10/2016 14:42

If you don't leave this man you will end up like my mother: a broken, angry, bitter, miserable shell of a woman. She tolerated this kind of shit for 40 years and it has destroyed her.

It will not get better. It will get worse.

ClaudiaApfelstrudel · 21/10/2016 14:47

It sounds to me like he has a guilty conscience about something. Perhaps he wanted to say her name so he could test the waters. First as a joke but then later on I don't know.

I'm very sorry for your situation Flowers

Original poster
abbinob · 21/10/2016 14:48

Toptoe-I agree I dont think anything physically happened with her, I think he came onto her and she probably rejected him and or threatened to tell me, then she probably decided to just go home instead of mutual friends house and he called her a million times hoping to change her mind. That's just what I think. To me she seemed perfectly nice and normal and had young children herself I doubt she would have done anything with him if I'm honest. He looked really panicked when he thought I had called her so my guess is he tried it on with her and she would have told me if I'd asked and that's what worried him.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 21/10/2016 14:53

If he called her 20 times, then it does sound as though he wanted something to happen and she didn't (otherwise she'd answer the phone!)

HOWEVER. Why the hell are you with this clown? He doesn't make you happy, he doesn't talk to you, he wants to cheat on you even if he's not successful. What on earth does he bring to the relationship?

You're so lucky that you can stay put in your home. I think you'd find it much easier without him there and the relief from all the worry would make you much happier.

Get it sorted before the baby's born. Do you want help finding out about child maintenance and tax credits etc?

Temporaryname137 · 21/10/2016 14:55

Dropping her name into the conversation suggests perhaps he fancies her a bit, nothing more than that.

But your gut instincts about him are based on much more than that, and you have to trust them. I think we are very seldom wrong about stuff like this; our intuition is a powerful tool.

Really sorry he's being such a total wanker. You sound lovely.

Emmageddon · 21/10/2016 15:31

Get rid of this tosser before your baby arrives. Visit the CAB and see what help is available. Tell your friends and family, enlist as much help and support in real life as you can. You can cope with being a single mum, and you really can't bring your children up with this pathetic specimen of a man in their lives. Maybe he'll change but he probably won't. Pack his bags (or ask a friend to come round and do it) and leave them on the step. Ask the HA to change the locks. Good luck. You can do this!

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 21/10/2016 15:42

If the flat is in your name, kick him out. Pack his bags and leave them outside huge door, and get the locks changed. You deserve far better.

AnUtterIdiot · 21/10/2016 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowstardrops · 21/10/2016 16:18

I wouldn't be having sex with him if I knew he'd just get up, go on the computer or whatever and ignore me for the rest of the night!
He sounds dreadful.

Original poster
abbinob · 21/10/2016 16:23

Rainbow- yeah I know I shouldn't, his attitude has really put me off sex tbh half the time I just feel annoyed during sex these days which is why I try to avoid it, doesn't do much for your self esteem sleeping with someone when you feel like they don't even really like you

OP posts:
Frouby · 21/10/2016 16:25

Love. He is a cunt. He is an abusive cunt. Please make him leave as soon as you can.

You will cope far better with 2 young children without him in your life making you feel like shit. You are better able to do this while you are pregnant than when the baby comes along.

He has probably been nice until you were pregranted again. Once you were more stuck with him he has reverted back to the abusive prick he is.

Make him leave now.

Frouby · 21/10/2016 16:26

Pregnant not pregranted. 🙄

Goingtobeawesome · 21/10/2016 16:33

You could manage thenkids on your own. I suspect he does very little but even if he's a brilliant dad unlikely he's causing you untold upset so he needs to go.

You sound young, don't waste years, decades of your life in this prick. You don't want sex with him, he's looking hassling other women and is calling you all sorts. Why would you chose that?

AyeAmarok · 21/10/2016 16:38

The tenancy is in your name - excellent.

Does he work in a full time job? Or is he self-employed?

Honestly pet, this is no relationship. This is so far from what a relationship should be. You'll be fine as a single parent, it will be better than this.

YouTheCat · 21/10/2016 16:39

Kick the twat out.

You'll cope just fine with two. I bet he doesn't help out much anyway, does he?

It'll be one less to look after and you can please yourself. No more sex under pressure and dealing with a gaslighting wanker.

IScreamYouScream · 21/10/2016 17:02

You say you don't have the energy to deal with him or handle the children. But you do! Look at all the energy he takes up now, all r extra worry and stress and dealing with him you do. Without him dragging you down you could spend that energy on your children and you instead, who all deserve it much more. Flowers

bluebeck · 21/10/2016 17:14

Yes, this is definitely "a thing" and it's what abusive men do. It's all calculated to make you feel like you are a lunatic. I will give you a couple of experiences from my own back catalogue of woe.

DP knew I cannot eat cheese. Said he would cook lunch for us, texted was there anything I couldn't eat? I texted back, just remember no cheese. SO of course I arrive and he's busy cooking pasta with a four cheese sauce. When I object, I get the crestfallen injured puppy face. How could I be such a bitch when he has made all that effort.

I tell DP how I am desperate to visit Italian Lakes, he says how brilliant it would be to do that together, what a fab time we would have. He then tells me he is going to book a holiday to Lake Garda with his brother. I am of course mad for being miffed.

Does this sounds familiar?

Does he actually do anything with your DC? I would seriously kick him out, you will probably find you are far less stressed without him.