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AIBU?

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Original poster

Annoyed with friend who ruined birthday surprise

107 replies

gummychops · 20/10/2016 16:44

Long story short, one of our small group of close girlfriends has a big birthday soonish. We try to meet up as a group when we can, which usually ends up being once per month/six weeks. In a Whatsapp group for these arrangements.
I created a new Whatsapp group minus the birthday girl, & suggested turning our next lunch meeting into an all afternoon & evening girlie celebration, as a birthday surprise. Somewhere posh for drinks, nice dinner etc. Everyone seemed keen. Someone said we should check with husband in case he already had a full-on party planned, which I did. No party planned, birthday girl wouldn't like it, fair enough. We'll just go ahead with our little girlie thing, spoil her a bit. Lots of to-ing & fro-ing with me sneakily checking re dates etc with her, which I kept others updated on.
A week before "event", one of the girls texts the original group which includes her saying she's booked X restaurant for dinner that night. I asked on the other text group something like- "Eh? I thought it was supposed to be a surprise?" Friend replies - "it came up in conversation, & I checked what her favourite restaurant was" "Don't be cross" Doesn't seem plausible that birthday girl would have guessed what we were up to....her actual birthday is a month away...
AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 20/10/2016 16:46

YANBU. I guess other friend wanted to have the kudos of telling Birthday girl and therefore it looking like it was her idea.

Oh well . . .

chipsandpeas · 20/10/2016 16:48

Or maybe friend knew other friend doesn't like surprises

NapQueen · 20/10/2016 16:49

Human error

That's lofe

WildDigestive · 20/10/2016 16:56

Maybe the friend knew your mutual friend didn't care for surprises - a lot of people don't.

I'm sure my MIL and SILs would wax very irate about how I spoiled the fact that they were 'surprising' my then DP by unexpectedly showing up in the country we were living in to throw a surprise party for his 30th -- but honestly, he loathes that kind of surprise, and has a complex relationship with his family and would have been straightforwardly horrified if what he was expecting to be a quiet after-work meal with me had turned out to be some kind of all-singing, all-dancing family reunion. I told him, he pretended to be surprised (though he's an awful actor) - I was saving everyone's blushes.

StealthPolarBear · 20/10/2016 16:57

Are you sure birthday girl wasn't saying something like "I want to do something for my birthday"?

Fairenuff · 20/10/2016 17:14

Why does it matter? She's still going to have the lovely time with her friends.

slenderisthenight · 20/10/2016 17:18

It doesn't sound any different from what you usually do. How was the birthday person or anyone else to know it was a special birthday event? All the secrecy and faffing about so little would wear my patience somewhat. And asking where's your favourite restaurant doesn't seem odd to me- though not subtle...

ElaineVintage · 20/10/2016 17:18

Did you ask everyone to keep it hush?

If not, then you can't assume they would.

ohtheholidays · 20/10/2016 17:19

I'd say that the other friend knew that the friend with her birthday coming up wouldn't like the surprise!

Her Husband had already told you that she wouldn't like a party and what you were organizing sounded very much lik a party.

My poor DH had to stand his ground with my BF,I love her to bits and we've been friends for over 35 years but she still kept pushing for my DH to throw me a massive party which would have been my idea of hell!

But because my BF had a massive party for her 40th and so did lots of our other friends for they're 40th's she just couldn't get her head around that I really didn't want the same.

I'm so glad my DH said no and warned me so that I could talk to her and tell her I really really did not want a party.Honestly if he'd have gone along with it I would have blown a bloody fuse at him!

QueenLizIII · 20/10/2016 17:20

Assuming she isnt 10 years old or younger YABU

CottonSock · 20/10/2016 17:22

Someone gave away my hen do plans my sister was making, it's life that these things happen

Original poster
gummychops · 20/10/2016 22:16

Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate it. I know it sounds very childish & trivial.

Just to be clear, it's not a party I'm planning. There's only 4 of us! Was just gonna put a few balloons at the table, & when she turned up for lunch we'd say : "Surprise! We have a lovely day planned for u after this.... Bubbly in a swanky bar, a few drinks elsewhere, then dinner in a nice restaurant. Happy birthday!" Nothing earth-shatteringly amazing, but a bit more than a quick lunch & then home.
I thought it was clear it was meant to be a surprise, as I created the new Whatsapp group without her to suggest it to the others. And sneakily checked re dates & chatted to her husband.
Maybe it wasn't obvious.

Tbh I have history with the girl, that's probably pretty obvious to anyone reading! She has a habit of NEVER saying sorry or admitting fault. She makes excuses & puts the blame on others if it makes her look better. She tells white lies over trivial stuff regularly if it helps her cause.
It's irritating me now that she can't just say "Oops, I let it slip, sorry" or "Didn't realise it was a surprise, sorry" End of story. No big deal.
But instead she's almost making me feel bad for mentioning it was supposed to be a surprise. "It came up in conversation. Don't be cross" And then "What does it matter?!"

Part of my annoyance is also because she jumped in & booked dinner without checking with the rest of us! Is that not a bit cheeky?! She likes to be in control & this feels like she wasn't happy with ME being the instigator/organiser for a change ...

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 20/10/2016 22:23

Ok but none of you are children. It really doesnt matter about a birthday surprise for a grown adult

nocoolnamesleft · 20/10/2016 22:34

If I turned up for a low key lunch, and found balloons, and "surprise" and "we've actually got all the rest of your day planned out!", I'd not be impressed. After all, I might well have something else planned...

Original poster
gummychops · 20/10/2016 22:46

Eh....that's why I've checked with her husband! She doesn't have anything else planned.

OP posts:
QueenLizIII · 20/10/2016 23:11

Maybe her husband didnt plan anything because you said you were doing this?

Maybe he'd like to take his wife out and she'd rather go with him. Sounds very high school.

ElizabethHoney · 20/10/2016 23:33

Not unreasonable.

Maybe 'favourite restaurants' cropped up in the conversation naturally, in which case there was no need for the friend to tell the Birthdayee.

Or maybe the friend knows that Birthdayee doesn't like surprises, in which case she should have said so to you, rather than spoil the surprise behind your back.

Or maybe she let it slip by mistake, in which case she ought to have got in touch with you all to apologise.

TheNaze73 · 20/10/2016 23:40

I think the other friend was BU. You sound like a good friend and I think the friend who ruined it has deliberately done that.
It doesn't sound all high school at all, it's a lunch not her whole birthday & I think it's healthy she goes out with friends & isn't joined at the hip to her husband. Despite the surprise being ruined, I hope you all have a fab time

SpringerS · 20/10/2016 23:51

Eh....that's why I've checked with her husband! She doesn't have anything else planned.

But she might have planned a relaxing afternoon in the bath reading a new book. Or a nice walk in the park. Or an afternoon of binge watching Gilmore Girls. Her husband wouldn't necessarily know that in advance. If I was going out for lunch with friends I could be simultaneously looking forward to the great lunch and catch-up with my friends, while also looking forward to going home later for a cup of tea and some 'me-time.' The other friends may have been worried that she'd have been disappointed at finding out her lunch plans had turned into all day and all night plans. So she gave her a heads up.

Original poster
gummychops · 21/10/2016 00:06

QueenLiz - as I've said, actual birthday is a month away from this girlie day so no clash with husband's plans for day itself. And I checked with him if he was planning a party, in which case us lot would just go along to that. As he is NOT planning party, he encouraged us girls to do our own thing with birthday girl i.e this "event."

SpringerS - the birthday girl is one of my best friends. I know she will enjoy all of the planned day. If a day in the bath reading a book was her idea of heaven I would have booked her into a spa. It is not. She likes sparkly & pubs & food. I think you're missing the point.

OP posts:
crunched · 21/10/2016 00:09

I wish you were my friend gummydrops

QueenLizIII · 21/10/2016 00:10

Op as I have said....you are adults. Ranting about ruining a birthday surprise, what are you all...12?

It doesnt matter. It is only bubbly in a swanky bar with balloons and a meal later.

She will enjoy, you will all enjoy it. Just chill out. It isnt as if she has blown a huge surprise like a mini break.

HeddaGarbled · 21/10/2016 00:11

If I was the person with the birthday and I thought that nobody was doing anything for my birthday, I would be upset. Springing something on me on the actual day would not really make up for the fact that in the weeks before it seemed like nothing was going to happen.

She may have been complaining to the other friend that her husband wasn't doing anything for her birthday, so rather than let her go for weeks feeling like nothing was happening, made the decision to put her out of her misery.

You are stepping on her husband's toes. He says "she doesn't have anything else planned" but really, isn't this his job to do? He should have been more proactive and assertive but you shouldn't be taking over his role. She may not like parties but she may have wanted to spend her big birthday having a romantic dinner with her husband.

QueenLizIII · 21/10/2016 00:12

She may actually appreciate being told so she can plan for staying out all day and know she is not going to get any of her birthday to herself or with her DH.

woowoowoo · 21/10/2016 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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