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AIBU?

Annoyed with friend who ruined birthday surprise

107 replies

gummychops · 20/10/2016 16:44

Long story short, one of our small group of close girlfriends has a big birthday soonish. We try to meet up as a group when we can, which usually ends up being once per month/six weeks. In a Whatsapp group for these arrangements.
I created a new Whatsapp group minus the birthday girl, & suggested turning our next lunch meeting into an all afternoon & evening girlie celebration, as a birthday surprise. Somewhere posh for drinks, nice dinner etc. Everyone seemed keen. Someone said we should check with husband in case he already had a full-on party planned, which I did. No party planned, birthday girl wouldn't like it, fair enough. We'll just go ahead with our little girlie thing, spoil her a bit. Lots of to-ing & fro-ing with me sneakily checking re dates etc with her, which I kept others updated on.
A week before "event", one of the girls texts the original group which includes her saying she's booked X restaurant for dinner that night. I asked on the other text group something like- "Eh? I thought it was supposed to be a surprise?" Friend replies - "it came up in conversation, & I checked what her favourite restaurant was" "Don't be cross" Doesn't seem plausible that birthday girl would have guessed what we were up to....her actual birthday is a month away...
AIBU to be pissed off?

OP posts:

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BerylStreep · 21/10/2016 00:21

I also think she would like to know.

Personally I find the whole 'girly day planned, balloons and champagne in a swanky bar' a bit over the top and controlling, but perhaps my next 'special birthday' is significantly older than your friend's, hence my meh and generally grumpy attitude to these kinds of things.

QueenLizIII · 21/10/2016 00:26

Imagine she is only expecting a low key lunch and arrives dressed accordingly? Not knowing she is going out to a swanky bar and a posh restaurant and staying out all day.

She needs to know really.

A landmark birthday should involve her husband really. Hope she likes it and that you arent treading on his toes.

Yakitori · 21/10/2016 00:33

It's very easy to message the wrong WhatsApp group, especially when two are so similar, save for one member. If I had to keep a secret under those circumstances, I'd have constant anxiety about texting the wrong group.

metaphoricus · 21/10/2016 00:34

I'd want to know, and I'd be grateful if somebody gave me a heads up.
I'm not averse to the occasional surprise, but not if it involves lunch turning into an all afternoon and all evening do. And I'd be pissed off with DH if he told my mates I had nothing planned. How does he know I haven't planned a surprise for him on my own birthday? IYSWIM.
(He is not best known for his organisational capabilities)
For me, looking forward to things is half the fun.
In the grand scheme of things, this is so not a big deal.

JerryFerry · 21/10/2016 00:51

I think you've all got control issues!

QueenLizIII · 21/10/2016 00:59

It is just too much IMO.

Lunch and dinner are poles apart. On a special birthday I'd want to change for the evening but she is being kept out all day and that is difficult to plan and dress for.

metaphoricus · 21/10/2016 01:20

Quite. Sounds like it involves being 'out' for 8/10 hours or so.
Far too long for it to stay fun. (In my opinion)

hungrypanda2008 · 21/10/2016 01:33

I think the issue is the other girl told the birthday girl for her own purpose/gain - to look as the great friend organising it - and not as a heads up. If she thought it was not appropriate to organise such a surprise then she could have discussed her concerns with the group first. If she let it slip she could have just said that. As the poster has said - it was a month in advance of the birthday so would not interfere with family plans to celebrate.

MardyGrave · 21/10/2016 01:35

It's beyond strange to celebrate her birthday a month in advance.

If I were her I'd want prior knowledge of the fact I'd be out all day and dress according to the event, it seems mean otherwise if everyone else gets dressed up.

BillSykesDog · 21/10/2016 01:57

I think her husband probably told her most likely.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/10/2016 02:22

Another perspective... It may be someone told her to stop any disappointed feelings..

I've always thought surprise birthday celebrations could really backfire..
Eg.
It's my birthday! I am hoping that other half /whoever has done /booked something special..am waiting expectantly.. . Nothing is mentioned all day... I then think everyone has forgotten.... Then have to be surprised after I've spent all day thinking my birthday has been 'forgotten'! Would really make me feel meh

DailyMailPenisPieces · 21/10/2016 02:32

This happened to me too - same sort of person. I apologised to the person it was for and said I had been planning it as a surprise. I dont think your friend can be v happy to have to point score like that.

DixieWishbone · 21/10/2016 02:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gummychops · 21/10/2016 04:14

Thanks again for the replies. Lots of interesting perspectives.

Birthday girl will be dressed appropriately as lunch is somewhere special & she always dresses well. She will have a lovely day regardless, that's not in question. It's no biggie that the cat was let out of the bag - these things happen....

My whole point is - why can't the other girl be HONEST??? It probably sounds on here like I've been having a go at her or something. I haven't, there's just been a few texts back & forth. Me: "oh, was supposed to be surprise." Her: "it came up in conversation" Me: "does she know it's for her birthday?" Her: "does it matter?"
Why is she incapable of either saying "oops, sorry" or "I thought it was best to tell her"? End of story.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 21/10/2016 04:41

It could very well have come up in conversation.

My guess is her husband mentioned your checking of the dates to your birthday girl friend, and she got nervous and asked the most likely from the group to spill the beans.

If she doesn't like parties then he was being kind (if that's how it happened).

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 21/10/2016 04:47

I hate surprises and hate having a fuss being made of me, I would really appreciate being tipped off in advance if my friends decided to do this. Perhaps the one who let the cat out if the bag is wriggling because she felt this was the right thing to do and knew you would react badly.

mathanxiety · 21/10/2016 05:34

I would too, WhoKnows, and you may have hit the nail on the head there.

AmeliaJack · 21/10/2016 06:11

I suspect that my DH would tell me in these circumstances.

Giselaw · 21/10/2016 06:30

Me: "oh, was supposed to be surprise."
Her: "it came up in conversation"
Me: "does she know it's for her birthday?"
Her: "does it matter?"

So write back...

The words you're searching for is "sorry for screwing up the surprise". It's ok, I'm sure you didn't mean to be thoughtless.

MissMargie · 21/10/2016 06:56

Well, she wanted to be the queen bee, you'd stolen her thunder by thinking of this and arranging it all. Perhaps she is jealous of your relationship wtih the Bday girl.
In future I'd avoid arranging stuff with her, it's a bit of a false foursome if she is a pia, or if it's because the two of you don't get on.

gummychops · 21/10/2016 07:18

Thank you Giselaw! You get it! How I would love to send that text!!!

OP posts:

ChuckBiscuits · 21/10/2016 07:36

Nah, she just wanted to take the wind out of your sails and look like a hero for arranging it. She's a cunt in disguise. Next time, leave her out.

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BillSykesDog · 21/10/2016 07:39

MissMargie that is terrible schoolyardish advice and if the OP started excluding her over something so petty (especially when her friend probably wanted to know) it would probably only succeed in losing her the other two friends as well.

OP, you don't know it didn't come up in conversation like 'I'm just going to pop into the hairdresser's on the way home to get an appointment for Saturday. Do you think you and the girls might want to come for a few drinks on Sunday' 'You can't, x has booked a meal for you on Saturday!'.

Also honesty is not always the best policy. You've obviously gone to a lot of trouble to do this and are quite excited about it. Would you really prefer if she turned round and said to you 'Well actually x hated the idea and would have been really embarrassed and pissed off so I/DH told her'? That would be far more unkind.

Plus, people do guess these things. It's much harder to be sneaky about them than you imagine.

BillSykesDog · 21/10/2016 07:43

Why should she apologise though? The friend's husband was very clear she didn't want a party so it sounds like this would have been an unwelcome fuss. It may well be the case that this friend has actually saved both the birthday girl and OP from an embarrassing situation. And that the birthday girl will be glad she did it (if she did, which we don't know). If the OP gets all bolshy about it she's going to end up looking like a massive twat. And worst of all a massive twat who wants to make her friend's birthday all about her and her plans rather than what the birthday girl actually wants.

MissOrganisedMe · 21/10/2016 07:46

Send Giselaw's suggested text.... it's not offensive and you get your point across. It may even help relations in the future?!

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