Annoyed with friend who ruined birthday surprise

[gummychops]

Long story short, one of our small group of close girlfriends has a big birthday soonish. We try to meet up as a group when we can, which usually ends up being once per month/six weeks. In a Whatsapp group for these arrangements.
I created a new Whatsapp group minus the birthday girl, & suggested turning our next lunch meeting into an all afternoon & evening girlie celebration, as a birthday surprise. Somewhere posh for drinks, nice dinner etc. Everyone seemed keen. Someone said we should check with husband in case he already had a full-on party planned, which I did. No party planned, birthday girl wouldn't like it, fair enough. We'll just go ahead with our little girlie thing, spoil her a bit. Lots of to-ing & fro-ing with me sneakily checking re dates etc with her, which I kept others updated on.
A week before "event", one of the girls texts the original group which includes her saying she's booked X restaurant for dinner that night. I asked on the other text group something like- "Eh? I thought it was supposed to be a surprise?" Friend replies - "it came up in conversation, & I checked what her favourite restaurant was" "Don't be cross" Doesn't seem plausible that birthday girl would have guessed what we were up to....her actual birthday is a month away...
AIBU to be pissed off?

[toptoe]

Some people don't like surprises, which her dh seemed to say to you when you checked with him. It would have meant when she tried to arrange something with you all, you'd all disappoint her by saying you couldn't make it. So right up until the surprise she would have been upset. If she spoke to this other girl and asked about her birthday, she may have felt it best to let her know actually something was being planned to save any upset.

[cdtaylornats]

What really would ruin the birthday is announcing the meal to her and discovering she hates the restaurant you booked.

[user1474781546]

It all sounds very petty OP.

Ruining a surprise? Is the surprise element part of the deal?
I would be grateful to the friend who spilled the beans, I like to be the one controlling my own day.
As to checking with her OH? My OH wouldn't want to give an answer to being put on the spot like that, he doesn't know my movements or know how I feel.
On my last birthday I had a lunch with family and took myself off to a yoga class in the evening- that was what I wanted to do. My OH wouldn't have known until the last minute.

[Flisspaps]

I'm with BillSykesDog.

Friend's DH said no surprises party, friend wouldn't like it.

So you still insist on arranging a surprise 'not a party' but food and drinks and possibly dancing with glittery tat and balloons for a select number of invited people (otherwise known as a party)

If you'd have listened in the first place, this situation wouldn't have occurred.

I like sparkly and food and drink too, like your friend. A surprise like this would completely freak me out (ASD) which most friends are unaware of).

[Mishegoss]

You all sound a little bit mad! Like frenemies. Why are you friends with this girl? It would depress me.

[RebelandaStunner]

I think Yabu.
I would hate to have it all arranged for me and I wouldn't be impressed. It's OTT.
Girly lunch would be fine, then I would want to spend the rest of the day/evening meal out/whatever with family DH and DC mainly. I would be less surprised and more annoyed that someone had tried to take that away from me.
Agree that I would also want to dress up a bit more for the evening do.

[user1474781546]

It actually doesn't sound like a great day.

Balloons on the table? Is she 8 years old?
A big ( presumably boozy ) lunch, then more drinks, then dinner?

I'd be stuffed after lunch, then to throw more alcohol down and then a meal at a "nice" restaurant. Boak. I'd be too stuffed for comfort by then.

els like she wasn't happy with ME being the instigator/organiser for a change ...
Is this group prone to having such petty power struggles then?
You sound a charming bunch.

[QuiteLikely5]

I wish you were my friend!! The other woman sounds like a pita but at least she only asked what her fav restaurant was and didn't tell her everything (not clear from your posts) either way you k ow what sort of person she is so next time keep quiet and tell her nothing

[gummychops]

Flisspaps - friend's husband told me to go ahead! There's no glittery tat, dancing or select number of invited people. Can't u read? Just the four girls who are having lunch going on for drinks & dinner.
I did listen to her husband. He's not having a party as it's not her thing. I'm not having a "party" either. I'm celebrating a milestone birthday with one of my best friends rather than ignoring it. Would that have been preferable??

[user1474781546]

Why does it have to be a surprise?

[user1474781546]

Would it not be better getting the agreement of the "girl" in question to see if that's what she would like. She may prefer a cosy birthday supper at home with her OH.

[gummychops]

Toptoe - if she had tried to organise something with us herself of course we wouldn't have said no! Where do u get that idea?? She's not the kind of person to suggest a birthday night out for herself but it doesn't mean she wouldn't appreciate a friend organising it.

I was attempting to mark her significant birthday with a get-together. We're past the age of buying presents & with our busy lives, having a long day set out to catch up with each other properly is a treat I know she'll appreciate.

[gummychops]

Quitelikely - I'm not sure if she told her it was for her birthday or not. She is being vague in her texts " does it even matter?" etc. That's what is so irritating!

[daisymoon77]

I'm not sure why people are being so critical of you OP. You're just trying to make a regular meet up event a little bit more special for your friend to recognise her birthday. I have friends who meet up on a regular basis and we would probably do something similar. I think the friend who told the birthday girl was out of line. If she was worried about the reaction she should have mentioned it to you as it seems clear you were organising it.

[timeforabrewnow]

My whole point is - why can't the other girl be HONEST??? It probably sounds on here like I've been having a go at her or something. I haven't, there's just been a few texts back & forth. Me: "oh, was supposed to be surprise." Her: "it came up in conversation" Me: "does she know it's for her birthday?" Her: "does it matter?"
Why is she incapable of either saying "oops, sorry" or "I thought it was best to tell her"? End of story.

[PaulDacresConscience]

User - OP is a close friend and knows the other person well. She's planned a surprise which her friend will enjoy based on knowing her friend.

I thought your post was pretty rude. Fair enough if you don't like something, but it's not your birthday surprise so it's not about what you want, is it?

There are some pretty joyless people on this thread. Based on some of the responses nobody anywhere should ever have a surprise party! It's not my thing - and my friends and family know that. But I have helped organise them for other people who have loved them.

OP, send the text suggested earlier in the thread.

[timeforabrewnow]

Sorry -posted too soon.

[user1474781546]

The birthday woman's Oh said she doesn't like surprise parties.

I would have understood from that comment that surprises are not really her thing.

Not sure why the surprise element is so important- it's that part that's causing the disagreement here.

[DavidPuddy]

I imagine your friend is pleased this has been arranged for her. Touched you'd go to the trouble and now doubly benefits because she has the joy of anticipation.

Does it really matter if she doesn't really know who thought of which element? She will anyway know who genuinely cares about her as a friend. Your frenemy will never be able to take that away.

[Milzilla]

What a friggin joyless bunch.

OPuou know your friend and you sound like a great friend. The other friend should have just apologised for letting the cat out of the bag - because she hasn't you can assume she did it on purpose (sounds like she wants some of the credit).

I hope your friend enjoys her birthday and you all have a lovely day.

[Aworldofmyown]

A surprise day with a handful of friends you often meet up with is very different to a surprise party.

It is annoying OP but just ignore and carry on organising a nice day.

[CurbsideProphet]

A lot of posters seem to have misread the thread. This celebration is a month before the birthday and won't interfere with any birthday celebrations planned by the DH.

As I read it, you are close friends with the birthday girl and know how she would like to spend her day. You were already meeting for your regular lunch, but you have arranged drinks etc as a surprise. This other women has deliberately ruined the surprise, but won't admit it.

The fact that some posters on here would hate a surprise etc is surplus to this situation. The OP has said she is good friends with the birthday girl and knows what she would enjoy.

I don't think YABU. I would be annoyed that this woman refused to acknowledge what she had done. Unfortunately, in order to maintain group relations you will probably have to let it go.

[ExcellentWorkThereMary]

If the 3 of you had decided it should be a surprise then I can see how annoying it would be if someone let the cat out of the bag. It's possible she wanted to be to one to get credit and it went like "hey, how about we make a day of it for your birthday when w next meet up? I'll book a restaurant" - but surely that would come out when you were together and chatting, that you had planned this in advance of that.

I wonder whether Birthday girl asked something like "what time do you reckon we will be finished on Sat? I'm planning to do X/Y/Z after" and she had to confess.

Honestly, in my situation, asking my husband would necessarily help to find out if I was busy! I could have all sorts planned - work to finish off, a book I want to read, gardening, somewhere I'm planning to take the kids (that I know DH won't be bothered about coming) - I don't really communicate my plans to DH unless they affect him!

I agree it is annoying of your friend not to just tell you why she ruined the surprise. But you'll still have a lovely day, maybe better if everyone is on board and knows what is going on. (I hate surprises. My friends planned a surprise baby shower for me and i couldn't enjoy the first half hour cos I was worried about all the things I might not have done that I should have for such an occasion. He now knows never to organise surprises for me and to quash any others ideas about such things!)

[Liiinoo]

You sound like a thoughtful friend. You are obviously annoyed at your gobby mate, but I would let it go. Group surprises are very hard to keep - I still remember the stunned silence that fell when one excitable friend asked another one 'what are you wearing to your surprise party?'

And as for those of you saying it is the husbands job/duty to arrange a treat for his wife. He could be like my DH who couldn't arrange a treat or surprise if his life depended on it. He has zero imagination and wouldn't know where to start. Without my mates and daughters my birthdays would be very dull. And even if her DH is a total whizz at such things why should she be restricted to one day of treats?

[BillSykesDog]

I don't understand why people think the friend would have loved it. The OPs conversation with the DH seems to have gone:

OP: Are you doing anything for x's birthday?
DH: No, she doesn't like parties
OP: I know! I'll organise a surprise party!