Annoyed with friend who ruined birthday surprise

[gummychops]

Long story short, one of our small group of close girlfriends has a big birthday soonish. We try to meet up as a group when we can, which usually ends up being once per month/six weeks. In a Whatsapp group for these arrangements.
I created a new Whatsapp group minus the birthday girl, & suggested turning our next lunch meeting into an all afternoon & evening girlie celebration, as a birthday surprise. Somewhere posh for drinks, nice dinner etc. Everyone seemed keen. Someone said we should check with husband in case he already had a full-on party planned, which I did. No party planned, birthday girl wouldn't like it, fair enough. We'll just go ahead with our little girlie thing, spoil her a bit. Lots of to-ing & fro-ing with me sneakily checking re dates etc with her, which I kept others updated on.
A week before "event", one of the girls texts the original group which includes her saying she's booked X restaurant for dinner that night. I asked on the other text group something like- "Eh? I thought it was supposed to be a surprise?" Friend replies - "it came up in conversation, & I checked what her favourite restaurant was" "Don't be cross" Doesn't seem plausible that birthday girl would have guessed what we were up to....her actual birthday is a month away...
AIBU to be pissed off?

[gummychops]

Sallydap - it's not about measuring friendship by how much one person does compared to another. That's not the issue at all. It doesn't matter who did what in the arrangements. It's not about me looking for praise from the birthday girl.

It's about one of the group suddenly deciding unilaterally that it wasn't going to be a surprise, & telling the birthday girl. When she was questioned on this, in a calm, non-confrontational way, she wasn't straight about it. And told us a different version of events to what actually happened.

[mathanxiety]

It's weird that your friends are lying to you, talking about each other behind their backs, probably talking about you behind your back, and generally recreating 'Mean Girls'.

[SallyDapp]

I would hate to be part of a group where all that bitching was going on in the background, where friendships are measured by how much one person does for someone as opposed to another. That's not friendship, that's competition! Any nice surprise is wiped out by the backbiting, 'she did this, she said that', she's my best friend not yours', I'd be embarrassed to find myself the cause of the problem then. My own troubles and the helpful replies I had show that most of us want an easy friendship without the dramas, and someone to talk to without thinking we are being disloyal to someone else.

[Yakitori]

That "friend" does sound like a bit of a pain. It all seems like terribly hard work though for what is a dinner out for four people who have apparently known each other for such a long time. A Whatsapp group, individual texts flying back and forth and a Mumsnet thread. I hope the evening is worth it!

[slenderisthenight]

Other friend sounds like a control freak who wants to be the birthday planner.

[cuckooplusone]

Alright, so I don't like surprises either and would be grateful to know about something. But, I don't think that's the point of this issue really. It just seems a bit petty and childish to be worried about who organised a lovely celebration. Why can't everyone just enjoy it? It sounds to me like a very odd group dynamic, something similar to the playground with people worrying about who is a closer and better friend.

[simiisme]

I think that the surprise-ruining 'friend' is a cow. Deliberately spoiled the surprise to get one up on you. I would keep her a arms length in future.

[gummychops]

Update! From the birthday girl herself, but I've heard it via a third party so forgive the slight vagueness..... :

Birthday girl did not bring up conversation. Other girl did.
Other girl mentioned felt birthday girl wouldn't like a surprise.
Other girl said I had asked her to book a restaurant (totally untrue) & asked birthday girl to pick one.
Birthday girl said "Huh? I dunno...?" Other girl said "Just pick somewhere"

On our group texts the girl claimed "Birthday girl mentioned X was her favourite restaurant" so "I wanted to make it happen for her."

[deelishiS0]

I would hate big huge surprise birthday party but 3 good friends and me going for lunch and then on out for the rest of the day would be great - surprise! Dint mind if i do ta

[Sniv]

I'm not not a huge centre-of-attention person, but I'd be pleased if someone did this for me. And I'd enjoy it whether it was a surprise or not, as I'm sure your friend will. What I wouldn't enjoy, though, is if my birthday celebration had caused my friends to fall out, especially if they were glaring daggers on the day itself.

Don't let this cloud her day. Forget it and have fun.

[bluebeck]

Christ! I don't know why you are getting such a slating here OP - it's Friday Vipers!!!

I know exactly what you mean about the "friend" as I have one of these in my own college friendship group. I am stuck with her but we don't like each other and I don't trust her an inch. It sounds like the "frenemy"deliberately spoiled the surprise because she was jealous/didn't like you being the organiser.

I would just say "It's such a shame X spoiled the surprise - she can't keep her bog gob shut" followed by a MN tinkly laugh. Fucking cow!

Have a good time!

[gummychops]

Thanks to those sending good wishes for the day, we will definitely enjoy ourselves 😊

[gummychops]

Thanks again for the input everyone, especially those who read my posts properly & got the facts right before replying. Sorry if that sounds snotty, but I didn't come on here to be slagged off unfairly.
To those objecting to use of the word "girls" - that's what we call each other. We met when we were 17 so I'd imagine we'll still refer to ourselves as the girls when we're pushing 80....😁
Calling the planned day a "girlie" day was just short-hand for the purposes of this post. It's not a party! Is there another phrase I could use? Perhaps a "mature ladies sophisticated day out of food & drinks"??!!
In real life I'm referring to it as her birthday, but as it's not on the actual day of her birthday (as I've been at pains to point out on here!) I didn't refer to it as her "birthday" on here.

[myownprivateidaho]

Basically the friends has watched the op put time and effort into a plan, then trashed it shortly before the event.

I don't think it's been trashed! Sounds like a lovely day. If your mates organise a lovely party for you, you'd appreciate it even if it wasn't a surprise.

[butterfliesandzebras]

It actually sounds like she's trying to be tactful rather than saying 'Look it was a shit idea because she would have hated it so I decided to tell her'.

You're acting like the friend had two choices - go along with the surprise plan to the op's face and then go behind her back and tell the birthday girl, or go along with the surprise plan then do a last minute U-turn and tell the op its shit.

If the friend actually thought the birthday girl wouldn't like it, surely the tactful thing is to not go along with the surprise plan in the first place? When the op mentions it as an idea, say 'actually I think x doesn't like surprises' and not let someone waste their time planning a surprise you intend to ruin?

This thread has so much projection 'i hate surprises so obviously the birthday girl does too' and lack of reading comprehension 'its controlling to plan a surprise on her birthday' - it's not on the birthday! 'she hates surprises' - the op says she likes surprises! It's a party she said she didn't want and four people having dinner is not most people's definition of a party. 'the husband says it's a bad idea' - the husband thought it was a good idea! Etc.

I have thrown people surprises for birthdays etc. I always make sure they like surprises (duh!), that they like the specific thing planned, that it is before the actual birthday (so you avoid the person feeling like their birthday has been forgotten), that there is a cover event that the person thinks they are going to (so they don't have other plans), the cover event having the same level of dress as the real event, and taking place over the same timeframe (the only place I think the op erred slightly), and that the cover event is less 'fun' than the real event (so there's no disappointment).

I do think the timescales thing could have been problematic - tons of times I've dragged myself out the door thinking, well it's only a few hours, then I can come home and get into my PJs... but if the op knows the birthday girl well she might know it's not a problem. And if that was the friends objection, then they could have brought it up at the planning stage.

Basically the friends has watched the op put time and effort into a plan, then trashed it shortly before the event. If it was an accident they should say 'sorry' and if it was deliberate then they are unpleasant.

[myownprivateidaho]

Also, possibly the birthday girl has made the friend promise not to say how much she's told her? That would explain the friend's unwillingness to give a straight answer.

[Greensleeves]

I would be incredibly touched and delighted if someone did this for me! Can't understand why people are being so curmudgeonly about it. The other girl either just can't keep her gob shut, or didn't like you being "in control". Which I would have thought implausibly petty and mean, but having read this thread I'm not so sure

[myownprivateidaho]

I reckon the birthday girl got wind of something and asked for the DL. Or the friend simply felt like she should give her a hint of what was coming, perhaps because she thought it might be a bit overwhelming or something. I really doubt the friend is trying to claim that she organised it, since that will obviously come out on the day. I reckon the friend just made the call that it shouldn't be a surprise. It is annoying for the OP, but hard to say who is right without actually knowing the birthday girl. I'm sure everyone will have a lovely time anyway and it is a kind thing to do. Anyway, OP, I wouldn't wait around for an apology. I don't think the friend has done much wrong, and clearly neither does she. Let it go!

[metaphoricus]

She's not the kind of person to suggest a birthday night out for herself

Maybe because she doesn't want one?

but it doesn't mean she wouldn't appreciate a friend organising it
Then again, maybe it does.

Just saying.

[QueenLizIII]

My whole point is - why can't the other girl be HONEST??? It probably sounds on here like I've been having a go at her or something. I haven't, there's just been a few texts back & forth. Me: "oh, was supposed to be surprise." Her: "it came up in conversation" Me: "does she know it's for her birthday?" Her: "does it matter?"
Why is she incapable of either saying "oops, sorry" or "I thought it was best to tell her"? End of story.

Who cares? Get a grip? Why is this such a thing for you?

Whay grown woman gets this wound up about taking another grown and married woman out for a surprise a month before her actual birthday.

Oh I forgot you're just little girlies aren't you

[BerylStreep]

yabu if only for the sheer number of times you use the words "girl" and "girlie". How old are you all? Maybe you need to grow up a little.

This, and this:

Surprises aren't that great - they are usually more about the person doing the surprising.

[YelloDraw]

Birthday girl could have been like "let's meet up, let's get a date in the diary for my birthday and have dinner' and other girl would tell her.

Surprises aren't that great - they are usually more about the person doing the surprising.

[expatinscotland]

It's not just lunch.

'Can't u read? Just the four girls who are having lunch going on for drinks & dinner.
I did listen to her husband. He's not having a party as it's not her thing. I'm not having a "party" either. I'm celebrating a milestone birthday with one of my best friends rather than ignoring it. Would that have been preferable??'

I'd hate that. Think I'm going for lunch to be told I'm staying for dinner and more drinking.

You don't have to ignore it, but you could still not go OTT like this.

She doesn't like surprises.

[TempusEedjit]

OP is it really so bad that birthday girl now has a few days to enjoy being excited about your plans, can choose something nice to wear, really look forward to it etc? The surprise element is all about your pleasure really, not hers.

I like surprises as in genuine surprises e.g DH coming home with a present for no reason other than he wants to. However if he led me to believe that he'd not bothered with my birthday then "surprised" me with a meal or whatever...well that's not a surprise really is it? It's just making me feel down so he can feel like a hero for rescuing me from my upset feelings...feelings he generated in the first place!

[BillSykesDog]

Even so, maybe other friend felt birthday girl would prefer to know in advance. Fair enough. She may be right. Why not just say so to the group then??

As I said earlier, would you really want her to do this? She's skated over it. You're insisting she should be honest but I don't think you'd like it if she was. It actually sounds like she's trying to be tactful rather than saying 'Look it was a shit idea because she would have hated it so I decided to tell her'.