To not think of a couple without kids as a 'family'?

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

I know this might be seen as a strange question.

Almost 2 years ago I found out I can't have kids. Dp has one DC from a previous relationship but does not want any more.

Since realising that I can't have children, it has made me think about all those ideas of 'family life' I had growing up. I grew up in a family with multiple siblings and with both my biological parents, so typical 'nuclear' family. I was married before DP but it didn't work out and I kind of feel like my 'dream' of having my own family unit died with that marriage, especially since I now know I won't have my own children.

So, aibu for feeling like Dp and I are a 'couple' and that a 'family' is only the correct description if you have kids? I don't mean to offend anyone else who doesn't have kids, either by choice or not, its just that since DP and I are now engaged there's a lot of talk about joining two people together to make a family and I kind of feel like a little bit of a fraud using that description and I'm not sure why

dp and i are not married- We have kids. If we were living together sans kids I wouldn't call him family. If we were married and had no kids I wouldn't say we were family, I think the addition of shared bloodlines / children you are equally committed to makes you a family (whether this is by adoption or whatever)

I don't look at people without kids and think they are in lesser relationships either, I feel envious that they have all that time to spend doing stuff as a two and reckon that their relationship is based on choice and love and not commitment iyswim?

I would see a married couple as family. I don't think people need kids in order to qualify for that title.

The word family gives the impression of the closest bond you can get that's why I think it is seen as 'more important' than the term couple.

Family is whatever you make of it, in my personal opinion.

My brother has been with his partner for 8 years. They moved in together after a year and are saving for a house deposit and will hopefully marry/have children eventually. I consider them to be a couple and a family. I also think of his partner as my unofficial sister in law.

My DP and I have been together for 2 years. We are expecting our planned DC1 early next year. I consider him/us as my family now (as well as my brothers, parents, gran, dog, etc)

I think historically speaking 'family' has always been taken to mean intergenerational.

Personally, I think family should encompass anyone with whom you have a special long,-term bond. I count my BF as family. The fact we share no genes is irrelevant IMO. Family is as family does. As a one-time single parent, my family was just as valid (and far more functional in some cases) than some traditional nuclear families; just as same-sex-parent families can be.

BF is best friend, not boyfriend.

I think of the couples I know without children and I would define them as a family.

Yes they are a couple, but their commitment to each other and therefore each others families is what seals the deal for me. Usually a couple is incorporated by a wider family such as a stepmum (like the OP) or a DIL or SIL etc. This definitely makes it a family definition as opposed to a 'couple'.

Before dp and I had a child we may have referred to ourselves and our cat as a family in private, but not in public, because we weren't a family, we were a couple with a small domestic pet. Even now we have a child I don't really feel like we're a family as such - just that we are a couple with a small child. Although I love dp very much, as we're not related by blood I think I will always struggle to consider him my family, although we have both become a part of each other's wider family and our daughter is part of both.

Like Mamushka, I don't really understand why being seen as a 'family' is somehow more desirable than being a 'couple'. One is not greater in value than the other.

I can see what you mean OP - but like some PPs, I would refer to me and DH (and the cats!) as a family.

Beard - many people have no other family. So their only family is partner and any children.

per encyclopedia.com;

"family, sociology of - The family is an intimate domestic group made up of people related to one another by bonds of blood, sexual mating, or legal ties. It has been a very resilient social unit that has survived and adapted through time."

Doesn't mention children as required to be a family that I can see. There are 'families' who despise each other and never speak. I don't think that's 'family' at all. What you and your DH have is a family.

Everything KittyOShea said.

I was quite hurt recently when asked by a colleague what'd I'd done at the weekend. I replied "just quiet, family stuff", to which she said "but you don't have a family".

I tend to see "couple" as a subset of "family" so for instance, I would talk about the families that live in my street but when describing the details of each family, I would say, there's an elderly lady and her daughter, me and DH (a couple), a young couple with a baby etc. We are both a couple and a family.

Across that definition may not mention children, but it does say 'group'. A pair isn't a group.

Dictonary definition of couple = two people who are married or otherwise closely associated romantically or sexually.
"in three weeks the couple fell in love and became engaged"

I don't really know why I'm arguing the toss tbh! As I said, my own personal perception is a couple is a couple, but I couldn't give a monkeys if they want to refer to themselves as a family. It's entirely up to them.

I'm so sorry that you had such devastating news . It's hard and two years is really only the start of processing it.

I am in a similar position, and I have started deliberately calling myself and DH and our incredibly grumpy cat a "family". (I might even include some plants in that description at times!!). It actually helps me in several ways: to be more at peace with the hand that has been dealt and to feel that I do have a future that is filled with love and care, even if it doesn't involve biological children. My wider familial relationships aren't very functional, so it also is a way of reclaiming that space for my own invention.

I do think it's natural to have sensitivities around such words in our position, and I wish you all happiness and peace. Sometimes life doesn't turn out as we anticipated, but that doesn't mean it can't be amazing in a different way.

I think it would be creepy to think of my husband as my 'family'. Unless we were related - and we're not. Regardless of however many kids we had. My kids are my family. My sibling is my family. My sibling's partner and my own - are not, technically, 'family', to me. My parents were my family. Any future grandkids will be family.

Someone who has married into my family is not 'family', just someone who has married into it.

Might seem a bit literal but I've never analysed it before and now I'm thinking of it - there is 'family' (blood) and 'in laws' (not blood). If I adopted a child, despite not sharing DNA, it would be my 'family'. But unless I'm somehow related to my husband - and that would be creepy - he's not my family, nor are the randomers who marry people who are in my family.

I think it's entirely up to you OP. 'Family' is quite a negative word for me as I have a very strained relationship with my parents and siblings. To me, 'family' means feeling trapped and lonely. So I don't use it to refer to me and DP but if you want to, then you absolutely should. No smug bugger gets to tell you that you can't just because you don't have kids. You have nothing to be ashamed of

But if it's about blood, that would mean foster children couldn't be 'family'? Having seen families who have foster children, I don't think that would accurately reflect the amount of love and care in those relationships and I am a bit dismayed at the suggestion that they are somehow lesser.

I think in laws are family too. I definitely see mine as such.

Ack no. No way are in-laws my 'family'.

I think of my childless couple friends as a family ...

I'm so sorry to hear you can't have children btw

One of my best friends is in the same situation and her and her husband have a very fulfilled life regardless. I'm very jealous of her 'family' to be quite honest

I think technically (by definition) a family is parents + children or siblings/aunts/cousins/GP etc so a couple is just that, a couple. I think I'd probably refer to you unthinkingly as a couple rather than a family - or 'The Fedups' but it doesn't matter - you are what you feel like. And I can see why it feels sensitive to you though

Like Joffrey my in laws are not my family.

I've never really given this any thought, but I suppose I see a couple as a couple, then when they have kids they're 'making their family'. But, most childless couples I am friends with have a pet of some kind, which I usually include on Xmas cards etc. and address the envelope to the XXXX Family.

If I were to invite my parents, my sister, and my sisters partner round mine I would say it was a family night. Not a family night with sisters partner and my partner there. Just family.
I am part of a family, my partner is now a part of it too.
We are a family unit the two of us as well. It is all up to the individuals :)

Thinking about this some more, I realised the reason I probably feel like this is I grew up with a large step 'family' and so that feeling of outsiders literally taking over your house, was very, very palpable.

Step family are not family either. And I say that even though I actually like my step sisters.