To not think of a couple without kids as a 'family'?

[FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname]

I know this might be seen as a strange question.

Almost 2 years ago I found out I can't have kids. Dp has one DC from a previous relationship but does not want any more.

Since realising that I can't have children, it has made me think about all those ideas of 'family life' I had growing up. I grew up in a family with multiple siblings and with both my biological parents, so typical 'nuclear' family. I was married before DP but it didn't work out and I kind of feel like my 'dream' of having my own family unit died with that marriage, especially since I now know I won't have my own children.

So, aibu for feeling like Dp and I are a 'couple' and that a 'family' is only the correct description if you have kids? I don't mean to offend anyone else who doesn't have kids, either by choice or not, its just that since DP and I are now engaged there's a lot of talk about joining two people together to make a family and I kind of feel like a little bit of a fraud using that description and I'm not sure why

for you op. I feel that society in general doesn't consider you 'a family' unless you have children (a feeling obv supported by some previous posters). Speaking as someone who's been unsuccessfully ttc for 4 years, this can be quite hurtful sometimes.

Our society is very child/family-focused and it's increadibly hard to be on the outside looking in. It's everywhere - 'family days out', 'family home', family-sized fridge freezer, 'family' packs of toilet rolls and washing powder in the supermarket (all with babies/toddlers on them).

Not suggesting any of this should be changed or that it's unreasonable (well aware I'm extemely sensitive to all this stuff) - just that it can be very hard and I understand where you're coming from.

I get what you mean - I struggled with calling me and DS a family when he was born (I was a lone parent) because it just didn't fit the image in my head - to the point where even now at age 4 Ds and I call ourselves "team surname" because that feels a better fit somehow. I feel like an intruder on to the word family.

That said, when I was with my ex without kids, I felt like we were a family. So i think it is a mental perception rather than a factual one.

sorry, it is an interesting one!

A couple is a family. I think the term family is used less fir couples because of the term couple being more specific. There isn't really an alternative term for a couple + 1 or more children.

You would count your step dad, BIL, SIL or stepchildren as 'family' wouldn't you, so a partner is definitely family. Just not blood related.

which is quite distinct from a 'couples holiday'

Not when all your holidays forever are for two only.

Angelica

My DH was my family long before we reproduced. He is the family I chose, it just expanded with children, but its the same thing

I'd think of you as a family unit - I don't think it requires a certain number of people to qualify.

People who live together in a unit are a family- be that two adults, a lone parent/carer and child, two parents and nine children. Whatever.
Aside from polygamy which is foul and illegal or any other form of exploitation by one over others, a family can be whatever it feels it is.

If there were a "family day" at my husband's work I'd go to that regardless of whether we had children.

If someone asked me about my family I'd tell them about my husband, sisters, mum, dad etc...

If someone told me (again) we aren't a proper family because we don't have children I'd be very angry and upset give them a piece of my mind. Last time I was too shocked to tell them how rude that was.

You are free to define a family in whatever way you want, but be careful what you say to others.

We don't have children but I have 2 families.

One is me, my Mum and Dad, brother, sister in law and niece.

The other is me, my DP, our dog and our chickens.

I think that is partly what is giving me pause Angelica. It is quite hurtful, and I'm trying to to get my head around my own preconceptions of what a family is and what I thought I would have that I know now will never be. 'Family' stuff is everywhere, It's always in your face and it always seems to include kids!

You are what you feel you are. There is no right or wrong answer

I agree OP. I can see why people might find it hurtful, but to me two people who are married (or cohabiting) are a couple, not a family.

As in the example with the elderly couple, if a newlywed husband and wife in their 20's moved in next door, I'd refer to them as 'the young couple next door', and not 'the young family next door'. I don't believe anyone who says they wouldn't expect 'the young family next door' to mean parent(s) and small child(ren).

Of course you're a family.

It really gets my goat when you hear on the news about something affecting "families" and they only mean those with children. Bloody say "families with children" then, you halfwit!

I hate the phrase 'hard working families' that politicians use!!

Hadn't refreshed - I would never be so rude as to say to someone they're not a true family as they don't have children. If a couple feel they are a family, then they are. I'm just thinking back to when DH had no children - I would have referred to us as a couple and not a family. Obviously if it had turned out we were unable to conceive then I don't know how I would have felt further down the line, and if I would have changed my view.

It's quite common to use the expression "a childless couple" though, Hunter, as in "There were about 40 people invited, about half of them were childless couples...." blah blah blah. I've never seen it described as "childless families".

But why would you aspire to be referred to as a family when you're a couple, which is really not the same as being a family? Is being a family somehow better than being a couple? More special, important, or serious? I don't think so.

Ironically i would call you the "FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname's"

I think of a couple as, well a couple.

You are part of a wider family though.

MargotLovedTom actually I refer to them as the couple next door, or the family living next door. I have always done so for the neighbour couple with the grown up living away children. I think it comes down to your own perception of what is a family.

I would think dp and expect him to be described as such. I also think of my siblings dps as family (although they're not married) and consider being a long term couple or getting married to be 'creating a family' in that it brings two families together. But no, I wouldn't describe dp and me alone as 'a family'.

It doesn't matter though op. Its whatever you feel it to be that counts

I think a life long committed couple as a family, regardless of marriage status, or if they have children. Family is what you make of it.

Absolutely this. My sibling has a long term partner but no kids. They are their own little family unit and I also consider them both part of our larger family.

Another way to put my question - what is so special about being called a 'family' and what is wrong with just being a couple? Unless there's something superior about being a family and inferior about being called a couple I just can't see why a couple would want to call themselves a family!

To me it would be like calling yourself a grandmother when you have no grandchildren, calling yourself a homeowner when you are renting, calling yourself a commuter when you work from home? I don't understand!

To me it's the lifelong commitment that makes the difference- a couple to me could be boyfriend and girlfriend- seeing each other for a few months. When you fully commit yourself through cohabitation/ civil partnership/ marriage you become family. Their family is yours- MIL, SIL etc- family terms.

My DH and I don't have and never will have children. He is most certainly my family.