To be worried about having a second child

[Wonderingaboutlife]

This is my first post so I'm sorry if I do or say anything wrong!

A bit of background:
I have just turned 30 and have one ds who will be two in January. He is amazing (im not boasting honest!) since he was 2 weeks old he has slept through the night he eats well, he is very sociable and friendly chatty and well developed.

I don't know if I want to have another child as he is so brilliant I don't want to take anything away from him (time, money, love etc)

Dh does feels the same but is also concerned that being an only child may raise issues for him he thinks only children can be a bit weird (sorry no offence is meant by that)

So just wondering how other people felt about having a second child?? Am I crazy to feel like this?? When do you feel was the best age (of ur first child) to have a second child??

Any advice and experiences will be fab thank you

Everyone likes to judge onlies as being spoiled or weird or whatever. Yet there never seems to be any talk about favouritism and role casting within larger families. My father frequently told me how he preferred my sisters and at one point attempted to throw me out of the house after siding with one of them in an argument.

I am not suggesting OP would do this, I am sure she and her husband would not dream of it. But the point is that there are ways to cock up your parenting and make your family miserable whether you have one child or seven. If you want more than one because you want a large family, or you have an urge for another, have at it, great. But for the love of God don't have one because you don't trust yourself not to raise the existing one well, or because you've got some bigoted prejudiced rubbish in your head, or because you think it will make you and your kids morally superior just by existing.

Sheba I think you have missed the point of the post and I feel I must have touched a nerve with you somehow and for that I'm sorry. My husband does not want another child purely as he thinks our ds will be weird if we don't give him a sibling and I'm sorry for my choice of wording not the right one to use I was trying to establish if anyone felt that having an only child or being an only child had a negative impact on themselves or their child and seek some reassurance that having a second child could have a positive effect on the first child and that it is possible to share time love etc.

And believe me I do not feel in anyway that being able to have children makes me 'morally superior' I quite confused how you have come to this conclusion but I do not wish to argue with you and this is a public forum in which I asked for people's views so I thank you for yours and the time you took to share it with me.

We are the opposite! Both DP and I are weird only children. We have one DD and can not decide whether to have two because we both loved being only children so much. When I'm out with friends with more than one it just seems like absolute chaos and we just have it so good right now.....

DD (2) is my whole world and I love her with every fiver of my being

I know how you feel, my lot seem to cost every fiver of my being too : )

I'm really sorry that I used the word weird I meant it in a lighthearted way but I understand that no one knows me and how it was intended so I'm sorry

Ilivefornachos that is exactly how I feel ... (sorry for the weird comment) lovely to hear a good experience of being an only child from you and your husband thank you

We had 4,

My ds has 1 and won't have any more

They are all amazing and there's far too much bollocks spouted about only children or too many children.

If they are loved and wanted they thrive.

Although have to say sleeping through from 2 weeks!!!! That's the holy grail and you won't get another doing that.

Thank you OP, but I have not missed any point at all. It is clear your husband harbours ignorant prejudice against people without siblings, whatever horrid lighthearted word he uses to describe them. That's his problem. And if you want a larger family, have it and God bless you all.

But if you do not want another child, don't have one just to validate your husband's prejudice. Because I can assure you that it's possible to be happy and stable as an only, and totally fucked up as a sibling. The driving factor, barring unchangeable life circumstances, is the parenting.

OP, I am an only child and I had a very happy childhood, although I am an only child because my mum was a single parent. I had an extremely close relationship with my mum as a result and I honestly don't think I would have had that if I had siblings.

I am not spoilt etc (I grew up on the breadline and I worked my arse off for everything) and I was never different from any of my peers because I was an only.

I can honestly say I never missed having a sibling, because you don't miss what you don't have.

On the flip side, I have two DSs and I love how close they are, DS1 is so protective over DS2 and I really enjoy watching them play together. But a sibling is not automatically a friend for life, my mum hasn't spoken to one of her brother's for over 20 years.

Also my life would be so much simpler having an only, I still struggle with sibling rivalry after being an only myself.

Nothing can prepare you for the way you feel when you see your children interacting with each other in a loving way (in the rare moments inbetween the constant bitching and fighting they engage in).

I'm scared of having a second just because I can't comprehend loving anything as much as I do my pfb DD. I expect people do find enough love to go round though so maybe I shouldn't worry about that.

I'm an only child and I wish I had siblings. It can be lonely.

I'm an only, and a bit of weirdo/loner, truth be told. I'd have loved a sibling. I'm determined to have more than one.

I don't think I would recommend having another baby because your child asked for a sibling. DD1 wanted a sister. When I said, "You've got the sister you asked for." She said, "No, I meant an older sister."

My DH's brother was the same. When his parents told him he was getting a brother, he assumed it would be a little boy the same age as him. He was massively grumpy when a baby arrived .

Word to the wise: putting 'no offence' in brackets after an offensive comment doesn't stop it being rude and thoughtless

I don't really understand people who say 'I loved my first born so much I couldn't contemplate having another'.

It's precisely because I love my fist born so much that I wanted to do it all over again. It doesn't divide, it multiplies. My children are the absolute loves of my life.

It's tricky. Your love certainly does grow and I feel our family is more complete with two. In many ways it's easier with two because they entertain each other and are less demanding on their parents' time. I know this is a huge generalisation but most of the only children I know rely on adults to play with them and talk to them (nothing wrong with that but it can be tricky as a parent when you want to get on with something but your child neeeeeds you). So erm I think what I'm saying is that multiple children are good for lazy parents like me who don't want to talk about Minecraft or what happened in every episode of Dangermouse ever.

We initially wanted another child to give our son company but I am glad that I didn't and the pcos ended up stopping our dream of a second. DS is a happy, bubbly little boy and it hasn't stopped him making friends and we've never had any issues with being an only.
I probably would have adored another but DS is challenging in that he has some special needs and I am not sure that if I had another with his condition that I would have coped in terms of time and attention. I also now that there is an effect on another child with having a SN child after growing up being the middle child with two brothers who both had special needs.

I don't really understand people who say 'I loved my first born so much I couldn't contemplate having another'.

I know I don't either. Surely people love other people too.
I love my parents, my sister and her children, my late grandparents. I'm still madly in love with DH, I love all four of my children so much, I love my friends, I even have love for my PIL. Share the love man

We're stopping at one. I don't really understand the comment about the risk that an only child may be weird - how so? DH and I are well balanced and normal (whatever that means), and we're providing a loving, well balanced and normal environment for DD to grow up in.

Perhaps you could clarify what you mean by weird? (I'm genuinely curious).

I'm the partner of an only child. I've got to say, he's wonderful Kind, generous, strong, thoughtful. He's definitely not spoiled. His parents are lovely and also generous in their ways and they've been able to help him financially with mortgage down payments as a gift, etc, but he's also self sufficient so certainly not spoiled. I've asked him previously and he does say he wasn't bothered about siblings growing up. As an adult, he has a group of very close friends who are great.

I'm one of three and although had its tricky moments no doubt, we are a pretty close family. I get on fairly well with my brothers and although we can go a short while without contact, we are always there for each other as needed. Oddly enough, I now prefer friends on a one to one basis as opposed to large groups (except for DPs friends).

We are currently expecting DC1 and for various reasons believe that 2 will be the perfect number for our family. I could never see myself with just one child and always wanted at least 2. DP would be happy with 1-3 but think we'll settle on two.

Siblings don't guarantee automatic friends. My mum is one of 7 (2 now deceased) and now they

Pressed send too soon....

And now she only really talks to one brother and one sister. A lot of them 'talk" but for the sake of my Gran than anything else.

I'm not worried about not having enough love for a second, I'm more worried I'll have so much less time to spend with the first be u won't have time for him.

I always was sure I'd have two but now I'm not so sure! But as a friend pointed out, I was never worried about a second child not having the alone time with me!

The best thing I ever did for my ds who was as perfect and amazing to me as yours is to you is to give him a sibling. I also had the guilt, but it was completely unnecessary.

The best feeling in the world is watching my DD with her baby brother. She adores him and he lights up when she's anywhere near... I realise this harmony won't last

I had same concerns - my partner was nagging for another for a few years before the time felt right for me.

Dd is now 6 and Ds is 1 - so they both get alone time and there's not so much chaos as I see in closer aged sibling families - and it's brilliant. They love each other so much, and it's definitely easier second time round.