To be worried about having a second child

[Wonderingaboutlife]

This is my first post so I'm sorry if I do or say anything wrong!

A bit of background:
I have just turned 30 and have one ds who will be two in January. He is amazing (im not boasting honest!) since he was 2 weeks old he has slept through the night he eats well, he is very sociable and friendly chatty and well developed.

I don't know if I want to have another child as he is so brilliant I don't want to take anything away from him (time, money, love etc)

Dh does feels the same but is also concerned that being an only child may raise issues for him he thinks only children can be a bit weird (sorry no offence is meant by that)

So just wondering how other people felt about having a second child?? Am I crazy to feel like this?? When do you feel was the best age (of ur first child) to have a second child??

Any advice and experiences will be fab thank you

[Bumpsadaisie]

Ah, if you have a second you will love him or her just as much as your DS.

Though given your DS was a lovely easy baby, you need to know that it is very likely your second will be harder ...

Of course if you have a second the dynamics in the family will be different t if you have an only. Your DS will experience a loss (of your sole attention and time), no doubt about it.

But he will also gain a sibling and maybe a less intense relationship with you and DH brings its advantages as well as disadvantages. My children spend most of their time together, DH and I orbit around in the house, to be consulted in times of need/want/disagreement but otherwise largely ignored.

Of course we play games together, watch a film or TV together and of course go on trips out together. And we do one to one things too - bedtime stories, reading practice, music practice.

But generally we don't "play" with them or entertain them - they have their own little lives in this house that do not always include us.

I think this is good - speaking as someone who was an only for much of their childhood and spent my time either in a threesome with my parents or alone (of course I also had friends etc but the dynamics are quite different if you're an only). This had great benefits - lots of attention etc . But also you get bound up with your parents in a way that you don't if you are part of a sibling couple or group.

[OhHolyJesus]

I'm in a similar situation and as times goes on and I see friends who are struggling with two kids I'm more and more convinced to stick with one.

My view is with two you will always be splitting time, money, attention ... with one he/she can have all of you and you can focus and do you're very best for that child.

It's a very personal decision so good luck to you making it as it's a big one.

[CinderellaFant]

I hated my second pregnancy. I had a 2yo DS who was (still is) my whole world. I felt so guilty and like I was betraying him by having another baby. Every day I was in tears. I was sure I would never love anything else even half as much as I did him.

However, she arrived. And it was love at first sight. She's now 4 and I love her just as much as her big brother. They are best friends and having her was the best thing we ever did.

And now DC3 is coming soon

[albertcampionscat]

If you want a second have one (or try to at least). If you don't, don't. Either is fine.

[TheLegendOfBeans]

Apologies for skipping pg2 bit here goes...

As an only child myself I sympathise with your husband's sentiment; I was a bit of a loner and outsider and didn't like sharing things or attention and was v jealous of my mum's attention being diverted. However whilst I'm sympathetic to your husband don't have a second child for that reason alone.

Lots of people in my neck of the woods (London) have only children as a choice. I think the stigma of being an only is gone nowadays as families get smaller; housing is unaffordable, tax credits are being reduced, family help is often unachievable thanks to geography and basically kids are expensive.

But - don't not have a second if you're scared about not loving #2 as much as the first; I can't see anything like that that's happened with my contemporaries.

That said, we would like 4 kids in total; mainly driven by my want for a big family and for my children to have each other as buddies and to look out for each other.

Have a think about it but don't do it unless you both really want to. X

[ILiveForNachos]

Ah don't worry OP I wasn't offended at all. As an only child you get asked a lot about what it's like and if we were ok with it or wished for siblings etc. Both of us loved it and didn't wish we had siblings at all.
My mum was a child minder for a bit and OH had step-siblings for a while so we both had other children around which probably helped us socialise/share/play nicely etc 😂

We are both really successful and very independent and I think being an only child helped. The only thing I would say is that now we have older parents looking after them alone is tougher but still wouldn't change it.

For years people have been only children or part of sibling sets and the world has kept turning. Whatever you decide will be lovely for you all I'm sure because you will make it lovely.

[myownprivateidaho]

My sister is my best friend, I'm so happy to have her in my life. I don't think that most people with siblings think their life would have been better without them, unless the sibling is a really terrible person.

[Absofrigginlootly]

My sister is most definitely not my best friend. In fact we are so distant that I have on more than one occasion forgotten that I actually have a sister!

She is not a really terrible person, but we are just very very different and lead very different lives.

I suspect that she will be absolutely no help (other than perhaps financially from a distance) when our parents are older.

Hard to say if my life would have been better without her. It just would have been different. It would have avoided the whole golden child/scapegoat thing my DM did but then like someone upthread said that's down to parenting and I'm sure DM would have been worse in someways without another child to drawn focus away sometimes.

We used to play together when we were very little but from as long as I can remember playing with her was not always that enjoyable because she was so domineering. She was particularly unpleasant during our teen years.

Based on that I have never bought into the whole 'must have siblings' thing but maybe that's because Ive never really understood this amazing bond that people talk about.

I do 100% think though that each child should be conceived because they are completely and utterly wanted in their own right. Every child deserves that. Have another child if you both want one. If your DC get on that is a wonderful bonus.

There's lots of pluses to an only that I can see though

[septembersunshine]

I have 4 (last one is a baby of 8 weeks). I can tell you they are (to us) all beautiful and lovely and all completely different! We don't regret having more then one
They love each other. The other day my dd (She is 10 and the eldest) was holding her tiny baby brother and said 'i will always be there for you. I Love you so much'. She held him till he fell asleep on her. Each child brings something different and amazing to the family. Makes your heart flips over a bit!

[Bythebeach]

I hated being an only. My husband loved being one of three. Unsurprisingly, we have three. I was very worried about my bond with my eldest changing when I had my second. My eldest is eleven now - we are very close but perhaps less intensely so than we might have been. To me, I would like more individual time with each kid but it is more than made up for by the amazing bonds they have with each other and the lovely sense that they are a gang and we are a lively, busy family. As an only, I was envious of others siblings and was more mortified by my (lovely, v normal, pretty liberal) parents than I think I would have been had I had siblings. In short - my vote for a sibling will always be yes.

[rogertherabbit]

I've got one DD and have been pondering over this same issue. I love her so much and can't ever imagine loving another as much. Got very tearful about how much I loved her in the early weepy days. My mum has told me that this is a common feeling, and that having another wouldn't take away any of the love I have for her. I still can't appreciate this, though!

I'm one of three and I suppose I enjoyed having siblings, but my best friend was an only and was just fine. I don't see that much of my sibs now we are all grown up, but we'd be there for each other if and when needed. I'm much closer to my parents than my siblings

We will probably just stick with one, but there's a bit of time for us to think on it

[Tomorrowillbeachicken]

I hated being one of three and I suppose that is another reason we have one.

[blinkineckmum]

Reading your OP is funny because we too thought we had the cleverest, sweetest boy in the world. But we loved parenting him so much we couldn't wait to do it all again.
Now we have 2. The second is harder. She cries more and sleeps less. But she's totally amazing and oh so clever, and we love her to bits. I am desperate for more, even if I haven't slept for a year!
In answer to the query about how the relationship with the first changes. I have been so proud of how he loves and enjoys his sister. He's still my amazing boy. However, he's now nearly 3, and no longer an angel... you might find your perfect boy develops more of a personality as he grows!
And what is this 'slept through from 2 weeks'? My dd slept a lot a 2 weeks. It was the strongest indicator of her illness and she was hospitalised. It's not a problem for a tiny baby to wake up during the night!

[Overthinker2016]

My Dad felt like you do and hence I am an only.

I must say some of the weirdest, most selfish people I know have many siblings.

Think being well adjusted really comes down a number of factors including parenting but is nothing to do with being an only.

[Windthebloodybobbinup]

Second time round- much less emotionally challenging (I struggled to develop and accept my identity as a mother) and less scary ( not so worried about SIDs, funny looking rashes etc). Much harder physical work- I didn't get the lovely quiet breastfeeding time, it is more like trying to breastfeed whilst reading a story, going from changing a nappy to doing some colouring then making a snack then putting baby down for a nap then making lunch then tidying up etc. Can feel relentless but once you get the hang of it and baby is more interactive it is amazing to see them giggle together. Wouldn't change it!

[Ffswtf]

I'm an only child and I hated it, come from a v small family so always hoped I'd have a larger family of my own. Now have 3 DC and I love our life. I felt exactly the same as you after our first, I couldn't imagine loving another as much, but I love all 3 equally. They're all different in many ways but I couldn't be more proud. Just like you can't fully imagine the overwhelming love you have for your first born, the same applies to your second, third and so on

[maggiethemagpie]

I have two (ages 5 and 3), and I nearly couldn't have a second child due to health reasons. Nothing like having a choice taken away from you to make you want it more. So I was desperate for a second, and risked my health to do so (luckily all was ok)

Every day, they say 'I love you' 'you are my best friend' to each other. They share a room, and play together, watch tv together etc. It's getting to the point where I think they need to learn not to be together ALL the timef and develop their own friendships /interests. DS has told me he wants to marry DD when he grows up, I've told him he'll be sick of her by then!


So, for me, having two was all I ever wanted and it makes the family seem balanced IMHO, ie two of us, two of them. Also they learn to share/not be centre of attention all the time.

Another thing is, when you have a second you realise what makes your child unique. I'm probably not explaining this very well but things like my son's mood/temperament/likes/dislikes I didn't realise until I had my second were just HIM, I thought that's what all kids were like. Now I can see how they're different, as I have that perspective.

[wibblypig1]

We ummed and ahhed for over a year, chopping and changing our mind until it happened all on its own without us actually planning anything. Our happy surprise is now a chunky, hilarious toddler who worships her big sister. It's harder in some ways and easier in lots of other ways.

My best friend growing up was an "only" and she was ace - not weird or selfish or any of those awful things people say about people with no siblings.
Good luck whatever you choose x