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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask why this guy is always around me but never speaks to me.

67 replies

user1476781406 · 18/10/2016 10:21

I work in an open plan office. There is a manager there who manages the team that sit directly opposite us. He is a confident, extrovert guy and is friendly to everyone. Bit of a flirt but harmlessly. He flirts with any female under the age of 35 who he finds reasonably attractive. He's a single guy so there's no harm in it. Everyone just accepts him as a bit of a charmer.

He likes to be around me. He will pull a chair up and chat to me throughout the day and will always stand up for me so he must like my company. If there are other people around he always chooses the desk nearest me so we an talk. But this is where it gets a bit weird.

He keeps pretending to forget my name and who he is meeting with (when he has a meeting with me). I know he knows it but makes out he cant remember my Surname when I can see it's written perfectly in his Diary on his desk. He's known me a year, we all know he knows my name.

He comments on how hot other staff members are but if anyone says I'm attractive he says 'she's alright'. He avoids being alone with me and although he's chatty when others are around he doesn't talk if it's just me and him.

Recently there are many times when we have to be alone due to others being out of the building and he's started going down to the other floor when that happens and it's making me a bit uncomfortable. It's quite an extreme reaction to being alone with me!! It's making me worried and self conscious. It's literally every single time we are alone together and he doesn't do that with any other work colleague. I'm really worried I've done something wrong somehow but don't want to make a fuss incase it's nothing. He is still very chatty when other are around. I have only ever acted professionally around him.

Is this normal for work colleagues to not want to be around younger female colleagues? This is my first professional job so I'm not used to office etiquette.

OP posts:
Electrolens · 18/10/2016 12:20

Agree with Thing he's trying to lead you on/enjoying attention from you and game playing.

Utterly vile to talk about how 'hot' other colleagues are. I'd report him to HR for that and would also avoid him like the plague. He sounds immature at best and a sleazy sex pest at worst.

alphabook · 18/10/2016 12:26

He sounds like a dick. I can't be doing with this negging and game playing crap.

chocorabbit · 18/10/2016 12:29

How old are you OP and how old is he (at least reveal HIS age)? The whole situation reminds me of teenage girls who interpret teenage boys not talking to them or ignoring them as "he likes me but is being too shy to reveal it". Notice the word "teenage" as that's NOT expected behaviour from a grown up man that "likes" you (IF he does).

And flirting openly with all women at work?? Rating women?? Does he consider himself that important?? And of course all women too little to have any dignity.

You can complain about the way he forgets your surname. But don't interfere much about how he rates other women as he might think that you are jealous and want some of the compliments for yourself!!

JellyBelli · 18/10/2016 12:31

He's negging you, he's a sleaze, ignore him. Stop stressing about what he is or isnt doing.
If you dont feel able to call him out on his comments about who's hot, then have a chat with HR about it or let it go.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 18/10/2016 12:36

Don't feel intimidated by him. It sounds as though he is all front and bravado, acting like a bit of a ladies' man (bleurgh)
but really he's quite insecure and turns into a gibbering wreck around someone he actually likes.

You could take the tension out of the situation by casually mentioning you have a boyfriend so are strictly off limits, or tell him you're a lesbian.

notangelinajolie · 18/10/2016 12:37

I like the pink one. The cardigan is lovely too but I'm not sure you should be wearing a cardy to get married in.

notangelinajolie · 18/10/2016 12:38

Confused oops sorry wrong thread!

Dontpanicpyke · 18/10/2016 12:41

I think you both need more work to keep you busy.

johnboyConfused · 18/10/2016 12:42

What is "negging"?

Dontpanicpyke · 18/10/2016 12:42

Intrigued by the cardi marriage now

IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes · 18/10/2016 12:51

Yeah I wonder what "the pink one" looks like Dontpanic....

user1476781406 · 18/10/2016 12:54

Sorry for not replying sooner. I was out and didn't know how to get mumsnet on my phone.

He's a lovely guy, if I thought he was an unprofessional player I wouldn't even care why he was like that with me. He only talks about girls being hot to me. No one else. It's not that he actually finds them hot, he just wants me to think he does.

He's lovely to me during the day and was very kind and friendly when I first started the job. We had a friendship in the beginning before I noticed he didn't like being alone with me.

The 'forgetting' my name is the only thing I can honestly say is irritating. I do wonder if maybe he just isn't comfortable with me. It could be as simple as that. He's only 23. I'm 27 and a single Mum.I think he may have been interested in me before he found out I was a Mum but I genuinely don't think he is interested now.

I've been friendly with him but definitely not flirty. He may have misinterpreted my friendliness though. And is trying to put me in the friendzone. But I've never ever suggested I'm interested. When I first met the guy he was in a long term relationship but now he's single.

There is a guy I actually fancy on the team but hes Gay. If ever he goes near me I go bright red (But that's another story) lol.

OP posts:
user1476781406 · 18/10/2016 12:56

I've never thought of him as game playing. I don't think he thinks I noticed his discomfort in being alone with him. He always comes across to me as just very very uncomfortable around me.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 18/10/2016 12:56

I think 'negging' is continually putting someone down with subtle criticism' and acting in a superior way. The aim is to erode that person's confidence so that they are then grateful to receive any compliments or attention from the 'negger'.

I could be wrong, I've only ever heard this phrase on MN!

user1476781406 · 18/10/2016 12:59

I've heard of negging and know guys who do it. But to be fair this guy has never insulted me. It's only the name thing.

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 18/10/2016 13:02

Looking at your update, it is odd behaviour from him. All I can think is that he has misread your friendliness as flirting and wants to give you a message that he's not interested?

I think you need to bite the bullet and just ask him if there's a problem just to clear the air. "Is there a problem with our friendship, you've been a bit hot and cold towards me? I just want to get along as work colleagues.." or something.

user1476781406 · 18/10/2016 13:06

Looking at your update, it is odd behaviour from him. All I can think is that he has misread your friendliness as flirting and wants to give you a message that he's not interested?

I think you need to bite the bullet and just ask him if there's a problem just to clear the air. "Is there a problem with our friendship, you've been a bit hot and cold towards me? I just want to get along as work colleagues.." or something.*

This is sort of what I'm thinking. I think he thinks I'm interested and isn't. Other women do show interest in him and he doesn't seem to mind. But they're not working alongside him.

OP posts:
ApproachingATunnel · 18/10/2016 13:14

I agree you could ask him but dont go all 'is there anything wrong with our friendship'- that sounds too clingy and unprofessional. Ask him you noticed he avoids you and is there a problem? Keep it prifessional, he is not your friend just a coworker.
Perhaps his behaviour is his weird way to redress the balance- you're older, with a kid and perhaps he feels junior to you. Whilst at the same time holding higher position in organisation (i guess?). It does sound like he's putting you in your place with all that forgetting your name malarkey. As someone said, that stresses how unimportant you are and quite frankly i would find that very offensive.
He doesn't fancy you btw, i dont think.

user1476781406 · 18/10/2016 13:16

Sorry just realised my typo. He's 25.

OP posts:
scaryclown · 18/10/2016 13:19

he's nervous and worried that without a signal from you, any approach when you are alone together could be positioned as harassing you. Also in that silence he might be thinking 'i want you i want you, oh god if i could only just tell you how much'

but the 'forgetting your surname' sounds a bit like a technique to suggest it should/could be his surname... OR he is trying to tell you he really would like it that way....

who knows i give up!

user1476781406 · 18/10/2016 13:19

Yes he is in a higher position to me. He's done very well to be the manager at his age. He must be one of the youngest ever in the company but he graduated at 21.

We both have the same qualification though.

OP posts:
scaryclown · 18/10/2016 13:26

i think he fancies you, but is genuinely fearful of his job if he gets the signals wrong..with others no risk perhaps with you..actual risk. give him a signal if you like him.

i have been stifled by 'conseqyences' at work and still kick myself about this as i really seriously fancied someone once and didn't do anything in case i was 'taking advantage' and actually on reflection i think it could have been amazing. go with what YOU would like to hapoen and remember he is tied to the company in a way that you aren't so you could easily extract yourself.him not so much!

ApproachingATunnel · 18/10/2016 13:28

I bet underneath all his charm and position he doesn't feel that confident. He's very youg and having climbed up high quickly i bet he's feeling like a fraud (dont we all do at times?).
You might come across as more confident than him and he feels weird about it. He was unprofessional when ranking females at work (which is also rather immature). So you had a glimpse into his immaturity and he doesnt feel comfortable with you alone because again, he thinks you can see he's a fraud (whether he is or not is irrelevant).
That's my take on this. Actually, dont ask him anything but next time he 'forgets' your name pull him up on it.

butterfliesandzebras · 18/10/2016 13:28

He only talks about girls being hot to me. No one else. It's not that he actually finds them hot, he just wants me to think he does.

I'm sure when he's talking alone with the other girls he does the whole 'every other girl but you is hot' thing too. People who do negging like this have to do it on lots of women because only a few are insecure enough to play into that crap. He's hoping you are op. Just ignore his antics.

Thingmcthingyface · 18/10/2016 13:31

Also really want to know about cardigan.
misses point of thread

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