To ask why this guy is always around me but never speaks to me.

[user1476781406]

I work in an open plan office. There is a manager there who manages the team that sit directly opposite us. He is a confident, extrovert guy and is friendly to everyone. Bit of a flirt but harmlessly. He flirts with any female under the age of 35 who he finds reasonably attractive. He's a single guy so there's no harm in it. Everyone just accepts him as a bit of a charmer.

He likes to be around me. He will pull a chair up and chat to me throughout the day and will always stand up for me so he must like my company. If there are other people around he always chooses the desk nearest me so we an talk. But this is where it gets a bit weird.

He keeps pretending to forget my name and who he is meeting with (when he has a meeting with me). I know he knows it but makes out he cant remember my Surname when I can see it's written perfectly in his Diary on his desk. He's known me a year, we all know he knows my name.

He comments on how hot other staff members are but if anyone says I'm attractive he says 'she's alright'. He avoids being alone with me and although he's chatty when others are around he doesn't talk if it's just me and him.

Recently there are many times when we have to be alone due to others being out of the building and he's started going down to the other floor when that happens and it's making me a bit uncomfortable. It's quite an extreme reaction to being alone with me!! It's making me worried and self conscious. It's literally every single time we are alone together and he doesn't do that with any other work colleague. I'm really worried I've done something wrong somehow but don't want to make a fuss incase it's nothing. He is still very chatty when other are around. I have only ever acted professionally around him.

Is this normal for work colleagues to not want to be around younger female colleagues? This is my first professional job so I'm not used to office etiquette.

[Electrolens]

He only talks about girls being hot to me. No one else. It's not that he actually finds them hot, he just wants me to think he does.

But in your op you talk about this quite differently and say if other members of staff say you're attractive he demurs. I'm not trying to catch you out op but it does all sound like a v immature workplace with people discussing who they think is 'hot' and who isn't. you sound very interested in him, but I would definitely suggest a wide berth and finding someone with more respect for women and coworkers

[chocorabbit]

I agree with posters who say that he might have received signals that you fancy him.

Even if he liked you initially as you have said maybe now he DOESN'T. He is very young but too old to be playing hiding games with you. And probably he does say things about you behind your back as well!

[IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes]

The only remotely interesting thing that happened to me in an office non was a pigeon getting in through the window.

But do you think the pigeon secretly fancied you and that's why it got in? I mean how did it act in relation to women over 35 vs women under 35?

[Dontpanicpyke]

Do you both get any work done? The only remotely interesting thing that happened to me in an office non was a pigeon getting in through the window.

[SnotGoblin]

So it's only people he does fancy that he's uncomfortable about being left alone with? Your reply is telling OP. You fancy him regardless of what he really thinks of you .

[MunchMunch]

I think he fancies you but doesn't want you to know. He probably mentions how "hot" he finds women to see if you get a bit jealous.

The surname thing, I'd say he doesn't want to say your full name because then it looks like he is interested in you (even though he is) and wants it to seem like you haven't even registered on his radar.

[ExcellentWorkThereMary]

He sounds awful! Rating women on their hotness, pretending he doesn't know your name (know your place, woman, you are unimportant), putting you down, avoiding you and making you work to earn his attention? Ugh. Misogynistic idiot. Call his out on his stupid mind games ("my surname is X, exactly what is written in your diary"), but don't get involved. This man does not like or respect women :(

[ApproachingATunnel]

The guy avoids her and puts her down by pretending to not remember her name and she should ponder how he would handle introduction to her son, really?.. Move on, he's not worth your headspace!

[ItShouldHaveBeenJessMass]

Just sticking my oar in again! He sounds a bit immature (I know he's reasonably young but it's not an excuse for mind-fuckery) - if you were to have a relationship, how accepting will he be of a child? Do you think he's adult enough to handle your decisions on when they are introduced, etc?

[myownprivateidaho]

Alternatively, why not just ask him out? Might be the only way to get it out of your system, and who knows, he might say yes.. But move on if he says no. And fgs don't just keep on obsessing over him silently!

[IWouldLikeToSeeTheseMangoes]

You seem a bit obsessed with his every move and have already given reasons for why you think he does what he does. For example it's not that he actually finds them hot, he just wants me to think he does. How do you know this?? Also why do you care unless interested in him.

If you have already given it so much thought and know why he does it what's the point in posting about it? Genuine question. Perhaps this is coming across in your behaviour and that's why he's uncomfortable being alone with you.

[user1476781406]

How does he act with the women under 35 he doesn't find reasonably attractive?

Friendly, happy to be around them alone, not flirty, relaxed. Just like he is with guys and women over 35!

[SnotGoblin]

How does he act with the women under 35 he doesn't find reasonably attractive?

[myownprivateidaho]

And the only reason I can think of that he would avoid your company one on one is that he thinks you have a crush on him and is not interested.

[myownprivateidaho]

I remember you wrote a thread about this same guy a few weeks ago? You hung out on a training course?

Honestly, he is possibly flirting with you but he is not making a move on you. I'd say he's not interested in a relationship or anything happening. I also suspect you're overthinking some of the attention he gives you and stuff he says. You're looking for hidden messages but he's a confident chap who has had ample opportunity to ask you out and has not done so. I don't think you should be searching for secret meanings in the stuff he says to you and signs of adoration. He's a flirt. That's it.

I know this sounds really harsh but frankly given that you posted a pretty much identical thing a month ago and nothing has changed... I think you need to move on. This guy sounds like a dick, but he's clearly got under your skin. I'd try to arrange some tinder dates frankly. It is really bad for your self esteem to obsess over this. You deserve more than this.

[Ohyesiam]

Negging comes from a 'method' of seducing women. The guy is meant to very confidently approach a woman in public, with a neutral ish question ( like
you don't look English, are you Spanish/ Sweedish etc) and at some point during the ensuing conversation, say something that is could imply a put down. Like, That's a bold choice of hair cut, or trousers or whatever. The woman is then meant to think, 'Oh, i thought he liked me, but he thinks my hair is rubbish. ' so that when he then complements her, she is grateful, and wants to keep in his good books by being compliant.
It works on inexperienced girls, and people with self esteem issues really well, unfortunately.

And OP, be direct and professional with this guy, ask him why he avoids being alone with you .

[WaxingNinja]

Christ he sounds like a tedious little bellend.

How have you not pulled him up about the name thing yet?

Next time tries it why don't you say to him "you seem to have an issue with my name, it's unlikely that you can't remember it after working with me for a year but even if that were the case, it's written down in your diary right there in front of you, see" and point to it.

As for talking to you about the 'hotness' of female colleagues I think you'll find he'd get short shrift from most women if he tried that shit with them. It's disgustingly unprofessional and he's opening himself up to getting into serious trouble. Perhaps have a little think about why he feels it's ok to talk like that with you - and then you should reasses your professional boundaries.

[Thingmcthingyface]

Also really want to know about cardigan.
misses point of thread

[butterfliesandzebras]

He only talks about girls being hot to me. No one else. It's not that he actually finds them hot, he just wants me to think he does.

I'm sure when he's talking alone with the other girls he does the whole 'every other girl but you is hot' thing too. People who do negging like this have to do it on lots of women because only a few are insecure enough to play into that crap. He's hoping you are op. Just ignore his antics.

[ApproachingATunnel]

I bet underneath all his charm and position he doesn't feel that confident. He's very youg and having climbed up high quickly i bet he's feeling like a fraud (dont we all do at times?).
You might come across as more confident than him and he feels weird about it. He was unprofessional when ranking females at work (which is also rather immature). So you had a glimpse into his immaturity and he doesnt feel comfortable with you alone because again, he thinks you can see he's a fraud (whether he is or not is irrelevant).
That's my take on this. Actually, dont ask him anything but next time he 'forgets' your name pull him up on it.

[scaryclown]

i think he fancies you, but is genuinely fearful of his job if he gets the signals wrong..with others no risk perhaps with you..actual risk. give him a signal if you like him.

i have been stifled by 'conseqyences' at work and still kick myself about this as i really seriously fancied someone once and didn't do anything in case i was 'taking advantage' and actually on reflection i think it could have been amazing. go with what YOU would like to hapoen and remember he is tied to the company in a way that you aren't so you could easily extract yourself.him not so much!

[user1476781406]

Yes he is in a higher position to me. He's done very well to be the manager at his age. He must be one of the youngest ever in the company but he graduated at 21.

We both have the same qualification though.

[scaryclown]

he's nervous and worried that without a signal from you, any approach when you are alone together could be positioned as harassing you. Also in that silence he might be thinking 'i want you i want you, oh god if i could only just tell you how much'


but the 'forgetting your surname' sounds a bit like a technique to suggest it should/could be his surname... OR he is trying to tell you he really would like it that way....

who knows i give up!

[user1476781406]

Sorry just realised my typo. He's 25.

[ApproachingATunnel]

I agree you could ask him but dont go all 'is there anything wrong with our friendship'- that sounds too clingy and unprofessional. Ask him you noticed he avoids you and is there a problem? Keep it prifessional, he is not your friend just a coworker.
Perhaps his behaviour is his weird way to redress the balance- you're older, with a kid and perhaps he feels junior to you. Whilst at the same time holding higher position in organisation (i guess?). It does sound like he's putting you in your place with all that forgetting your name malarkey. As someone said, that stresses how unimportant you are and quite frankly i would find that very offensive.
He doesn't fancy you btw, i dont think.