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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ain't to not help/re teach ds homework?

37 replies

TheTyrannyOfMAGENTA · 17/10/2016 16:53

Ds has 16 long multiplications to do. He has done six (today's part as he doesn't want to do them all in one day).

Every single one is wrong. Wildly wrong. He was yelling at me for help with his times tables and whilst I didn't give him the answer, I did talk him through them. He really really should know them by now. But even the additions are wrong.

He is year five. I think the teacher should know he can't do them as I have raised that he was having an issue with them before (albeit a different one). I am torn though as I know I could re do them with him and I feel guilty/bad he is handing in a sheet of wrong answers.

They would probably say they would go over it at school but from prior experience they won't give him the help he needs. (We have asked three times for a dyslexia assessment!) I want them to see he struggles so he gets the help, but I feel guilty because I know I could help him and I am not one of those people that send kids in and expect education to be only the schools job. So I don't want him to 'fail' because I am expecting the school to help when they won't when I know I can.

Oh and I just checked his English and it is all wrong too. Sigh.

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HallowedMimic · 17/10/2016 16:57

I'd help him, definitely.

My children never managed to pick things up from just the stuff they're given at school. We always went through and taught them how division, multiplication, fractions etc. worked.

It's the same as they get older, not many people could understand A level chemistry without a lot of book work outside of lessons, and often a tutor.

Original poster
TheTyrannyOfMAGENTA · 17/10/2016 16:58

Aibu! AC fail!

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alafolie29 · 17/10/2016 16:59

Tbh I would try and help him. It won't be good for his confidence if you just leave him to flounder. Speaking as a primary teacher, I would write a note to the teacher explaining that he struggled independently and he needed a lot of support to work through them. The teacher should know what he is capable of at school. Whether the school is helpful or not is another matter. But if it were my child I wouldn't withhold my help just to make a point, as tempting as it may seem.

I do also question why he's been given homework that is clearly significantly above the level he is working at.

ImissGrannyW · 17/10/2016 16:59

I don't understand (genuinely, not being goady) why you weren't sitting with your DS while he did the homework? That way you could (without giving him the answers) tell him each time something is wrong and he can correct as he goes. Just a simple "let's try that again" or "is that adding up right?" etc. It sounds like he needs that level of support from you.

By all means chat to the teacher if you think the level it's set at is too hard.

Original poster
TheTyrannyOfMAGENTA · 17/10/2016 17:00

I WANT to help him. I do. Just..should I? Or should the school see? Because if I help him then they mark it and it is correct they will think he is fine and know if none of the screaming and hair pulling (by him!) that went into that work. Iykwim? People always say just write a note. Which I have done in the past and now we are in year five and he can do basic addition! 4+2=7?

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bumsexatthebingo · 17/10/2016 17:02

I'd go through it with him and help him understand and put a note on the homework saying that he needed a lot of support to complete it.

Original poster
TheTyrannyOfMAGENTA · 17/10/2016 17:04

Xposted re the note Smile

I was sitting with him, sorry I was unclear. He was sitting next to me and yelling at me re tables and I was talking him through them. Those bits are right. I wasn't on top of each and every calculation as I was also helping dd with her work (younger and cannot read the instructions...let's not go there!) I ended up walking away from him as he was rolling around on and off the table/ his chair and shouting at me. I would try to explain something and he would just scream at me.

I just asked him to have another look just now and he screamed and ran away again.

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Ikeatears · 17/10/2016 17:04

I would redo it with him but hand in both attempts. Let school see how much he struggled without your input but give him the opportunity to make corrections after receiving your help.

Original poster
TheTyrannyOfMAGENTA · 17/10/2016 17:05

It was threes and fours he was screaming about. He doesn't get 3x8 is the same as 8x3 for example.

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Original poster
TheTyrannyOfMAGENTA · 17/10/2016 17:05

Making in both attempts is a good idea actually.

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Original poster
TheTyrannyOfMAGENTA · 17/10/2016 17:06

Handing!

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lazymum99 · 17/10/2016 17:06

Trouble is you will probably be using a different method to the school's.
My son was the same and I would put a small 'helped' next to the stuff he had not done on his own.
Hallowed Mimic that seems a very odd statement to make re. A level chemistry. A decent teacher at A level and a student who has chosen the right subjects and this should not be the case. Anyone wanting to do science at university level should be handling A level chemistry without a tutor and probably should not be doing it otherwise.

hellsbells99 · 17/10/2016 17:06

If he cannot do basic addition (or has he rushed it or not tuned in?) then he shouldn't be given this level of homework. I would make an appointment to see his teacher.

alafolie29 · 17/10/2016 17:08

Does he have any SEN?

I wouldn't pressure him to keep going over the same stuff. What I would do is write the note (obviously I don't know all the facts but I would also be looking at changing schools from what you've written) and help him with the basics. Make it fun. Look online for games.

And probably stagger the homework so you can give them both individual attention/get your husband to help (if that's an option).

alafolie29 · 17/10/2016 17:09

I'm also concerned the teacher is handing out the same homework to the whole class, in which case I would contact them and escalate if it's not resolved.

alafolie29 · 17/10/2016 17:11

With the addition, what method does he use? Is he just guessing?

CurbsideProphet · 17/10/2016 17:11

Hmmm. Tricky. If he hasn't understood it in class, then really the teacher needs to differentiate and explain again in a way that he understands. If you already feel that he has a learning issue and the school are ignoring your concerns, then they might keep ignoring you if he always gets 100% in his homework. If he is struggling that much, you could end up spending hours going over what he has not understood during the day.

On balance I think YANBU.

Shannaratiger · 17/10/2016 17:11

I have this with ds's literacy. I help him until he has a complete meltdown when I leave him to it and talk to the teacher the next day. Will be discussing the situation at parents evening on Wednesday and then the Senco.

mamaslatts · 17/10/2016 17:12

That sounds incredibly stressful for both of you. Maybe your son is so stressed because it is all too difficult for him?

I would take ask to see the teacher and take the homework with me to explain. If you think he may have dyslexia/dyscalculia would you be able to go private? (I have a thread about this at the moment).

Original poster
TheTyrannyOfMAGENTA · 17/10/2016 17:16

I have managed to get him back to the table.

I am using the same method as school as I have checked with the teacher. Teacher says there is no issue, I have spoken to her before.

No ds SEN, although older ds does and we suspected for a while there may be something going on bit school won't back us and we can't afford private.

No chance of moving schools as no places anywhere in town.

I could stagger perhaps but limited time before I have to do dinner and go to work in the evenings (they need to eat before I go).

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nocampinghere · 17/10/2016 17:17

it depends.
what can't he do?
does he know his timetables well enough or does he not understand the method?

if he doesn't know his timetables well enough you really need to work on that. the school can't learn them for him, that takes a HUGE amount of input from home.

re the general question of helping with homework and wanting the teachers to know he doesn't know, i don't think homework works like that. She should know what he can/can't do from class. Help him but make sure you write on the sheet that he needed a LOT of help to complete it. Or attach his first attempt and write this was completed without help and then his repeat with your help. Then you are being crystal clear. Don't just not help - he will fall further and further behind.

greatpumpkin · 17/10/2016 17:18

I'm quite surprised that most people think you should be helping him. At my children's school they are always telling us that they don't want parents to help with homework because they want the teachers to be aware if they are having trouble with it. We are not in the U.K. though so maybe it's a different system.

I sympathise OP, it's very difficult to see them struggle. I would be tempted to leave it to school especially since it sounds as if your son is not responding well to your help!

On balance I think ikeaters suggestion is good.

InfiniteCurve · 17/10/2016 17:19

I would help,and tbh I would suggest different methods if DC didn't seem to be getting it as they were taught.(I wouldn't labour it but I would put it out there in case they had a lightbulb moment with an alternative method)
But I would ( and did) make sure DCs teacher knew how much support they had needed.And I think there were home works we didn't do because they didn't just need help,they hadn't grasped what they needed to do at all.
So it would depend a bit...

Original poster
TheTyrannyOfMAGENTA · 17/10/2016 17:19

Re the addition methods. Last time, if something added to ten then he would put the one down, not the zero and carry. Same with any teens. I spoke to teacher and she showed me his books and there were some like that but most were correct. I asked for the TA to go over it with him.

Good point about the parents evening. It is due on Thursday, which is the day I have mine so I will take it along.

He repeated a sum he previously got right and got a different answer and has stripped off. I am going to leave it for tonight as I have to get dressed and cook dinner now as I am already running late.

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Original poster
TheTyrannyOfMAGENTA · 17/10/2016 17:20

Oh and work is differentiated as he complained two of his friends got the easy work and he didn't.

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