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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Eating when we have visitors

57 replies

Alicesmith85 · 17/10/2016 10:37

My husband is grating on me hugely lately for a variety of reasons. We had an argument yesterday as my mum popped round to return something of mine. We were eating dinner at the time. I think it is incredibly rude that he carries on stuffing his face whilst my mum was in the living room, he also had the tv on full volume and made no attempt to turn it down and interrupted my conversation rudely several times. My mum was asking me about a descion I need to make about work, I said I would probably go ahead with the descion he then buts in, she's doing it end off. This descion has no impact on him what so ever and is mine alone. My mum was talking to me directly, not him!
I've spoken to him a number of times over the years about interrupting my conversations/contradicting me and he refuses to stop.

Rant over! Thanks to those who read.

OP posts:
NoFuchsGiven · 17/10/2016 10:57

How often does your mother 'pop in'?

If I turned up to Someones house and they were eating I would apologise for disrupting their meal. I think your mum is the unreasonable one.

ChipmunkSundays · 17/10/2016 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiddleClassProblem · 17/10/2016 10:58

If he was on the sitting room area surely you could chat on the kitchen area? Even in a studio flat you could have a convo between the two of you and he can watch tv (perhaps a little quieter but in peace)

2014newme · 17/10/2016 10:59

If she just popped t return something why did people need to stop eating and why was there a discussion about work? Still maintain she needs to call first.
"can I pop by to return x"
" we are eating now will be free in an hour or any time later in the week is fine"

SaggyNaggy · 17/10/2016 10:59

So what did you expect DH to do?

Your mum was popping in, he didn't know, was he meant to leap up, extend a warm and hearty hand shake, greet her with a hot drink, put his meal to one side, turn the TV off, give her his undivided attention for the duration of her fleeting visit?

Nah, screw that, someone popping in to see you doesn't require all of that from him.

As for the decision, its about your work? So it will have an affect on him somewhere? You being more stressed, earning more, earning less, you being less stressed, working more, working less etc.

He was rude however, that much is true, but everything else YABU.

Brighteyes27 · 17/10/2016 11:01

If I had started eating I would finish it is very annoying when people drop by unannounced especially at meal times. If I/we hadn't started eating we would probably wait and have often done this whereby food ends up ruined. But I also knock the TV off at mealtimes so your DH is unreasonable having the TV on whilst eating.

Dontpanicpyke · 17/10/2016 11:04

he does hate people dropping by but I dont

That's your issue. If you have friends and family dropping by a lot and you know your dh hates it then why would you?

Would drive me crazy if my dh encouraged his family and friends to do this. I would be far ruder than your dh was to be honest.

liz70 · 17/10/2016 11:04

If I turned up at someone's house while they were eating a meal I would sit quietly on the sofa noodling on my phone until they'd finished. I can't stand talking to people while I'm trying to eat. Nobody should be expected to abandon or postpone their meal for an unexpected visitor.

Flingmoo · 17/10/2016 11:05

I agree with Dontpanicpyke it sounds like you are being a bit unkind to your DH and not trying to imagine how things are from his perspective.

Imagine if roles were reversed and you made a thread telling us you were happily eating dinner, then someone 'popped' round to drop something off to DH, and he expects you to stop eating, stop everything you're doing, say hello nicely to the guest but also not to get involved in their conversation... You'd get all sorts of comments about red flags and he would be seen as controlling!

Obviously it's not nice when your spouse disagrees with you or interrupts you but sometimes this is just how conversations flow.

FWIW I would never expect someone to stop eating their dinner if I dropped by unexpected. If I've ever had a relative dropping in while DH and I are still eating normally the relative goes to play with DCs in the living room while we finish our meal in peace in the kitchen Smile

It sounds like you both need to be a bit kinder to each other but I know that's easier said than done especially when you're both tired and irritable.

RepentAtLeisure · 17/10/2016 11:05

I can't stand people who say "end of". But I do agree that if someone calls round at dinner time people shouldn't be expected to stop eating.

carefreeeee · 17/10/2016 11:05

Eat round the table without a tv and if your mum turns up she can pull up a chair and join the conversation whilst you finish your dinner. Sounds like a very weird set up to me.

Dontpanicpyke · 17/10/2016 11:05

I don't get it's rude to keep on the tv! After a hard day at work what's wrong with a TV dinner? People dropping by take you as they find you or should piss off.

Ifounddory · 17/10/2016 11:05

He is NBU to carry on eating if he was doing so when she came in.

He is BU to talk down to you and not acknowledge her at all.

If I was him in this situation I would have said hello, turned the tv down slightly but just carried on eating.

I would also have been irritated by someone coming in at mealtime to drop something off then sticking around for a chat.

Dontpanicpyke · 17/10/2016 11:08

Why should her dh 'eat round the table without a tv'

He's an adult and can eat where he likes. Some very controlling posters here.

pictish · 17/10/2016 11:08

Look no - no one has to give up on their meal or their viewing because someone has decided to land themselves on them with no prior warning.

However, his correcting and interrupting is dreadful and lacks manners and respect for you. He can fuck off with that.

Dontpanicpyke · 17/10/2016 11:14

Yes correcting and interrupting isn't great but one wonders how often the ops dear mother 'pops' in and expects the world to revolve around her?

Clearly the op thinks her dh should stop eating, turn off the TV but not speak at sight of her mother.

Now that does sound irritating.

OurBlanche · 17/10/2016 11:20

Popping in to return something at tea time = knock on the door "Here's your X, see you later, bye"

As for him butting in, did he think your mum was trying to overrule you, was being blunt and letting her know that your mind was made up?

Was he trying to shut down the conversation so he could eat his tea in peace, as in "She's doing it, end of! Bye"

Much as it sounds as though he was rude to you and your mum it also sounds as though you have no respect for him and don't allow him space in his own home! Or you would have told your mum she couldn't stop as you/he were in the middle of tea!

As it stands you put her popping in for an idle chatter above his being in his own home, eating his tea!

hopetobehappy · 17/10/2016 11:20

I suppose it's possible he made those comments " she's doing it , end of" perhaps because he was irritated his meal was interrupted. If it's a regular thing that your mum turns up at mealtimes I imagine it would be annoying. It was rude of him to say that though, but definitely not to have carried on eating.

Doobigetta · 17/10/2016 11:22

I'd be really annoyed if someone turned up unannounced while I was eating, I'd consider them to be rude. Especially if they hung around chatting. You should be more considerate towards your husband and discourage people from "popping round" without checking if it's convenient. We live in a flat with a single big living space, and one of the things we've agreed is that it's not fair to bring visitors round if the other person doesn't want company- we take guests to the pub round the corner instead.

twofingerstoGideon · 17/10/2016 11:22

YANBU. I think it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to continue eating, but with the television turned down and without the rude interruptions. 'She's doing it. End of.' - sounds rather bullying.

ItShouldHaveBeenJessMass · 17/10/2016 11:26

Did Mum think he was rude?

LagunaBubbles · 17/10/2016 11:27

I'm beginning to get very tired of the way he speaks to me in front of others

It sounds like to me this isnt really about whether your DH was rude to continue eating or not (he wasnt so in that case YABU) but about deeper issues generally in your relationship.

5moreminutes · 17/10/2016 11:27

Carrying on eating is totally normal - you were entertaining your visitor in another room, no reason at all he should have to let his dinner get cold and in fact you could have invited your mum into the kitchen and offered her some food if there was any unserved, or a cuppa and a biscuit if not, and continued eating too. Protracted drop in visits over meal times are a bit rude and the visitor would normally encourage the host to carry on with their meal.

The interrupting and loud TV sound rude, on the other hand. Two totally separate issues - the eating is not the right ine to get angry about.

NonnoMum · 17/10/2016 11:29

I think you're both rude for not eating together. And I think eating in front of the TV is rude. But then, I'm a bit old fashioned.

Peach9876 · 17/10/2016 11:42

Sounds like you are both disrespectful of each other. Time to make some compromises IMO.
DH needs to think about how he speaks to you, and about how he interacts with your family. No need to snap or ignore your DM.
But you also need to acknowledge it's his house too and your like of drop ins doesn't over ride his dislike of interrupted meals/life. Simple enough to ask people to make a quick phone call before they head over, or in this case say 'thanks for dropping that off I really appreciate it. But we are in the middle of dinner right now, don't want it to get cold. Is it okay if I call you later. Thanks again.' You are being polite and grateful and I wouldn't take offence if you were eating your meal and I dropped by without a call. It would be reasonable to me.