AIBU to put a child lock on husband's phone

[user1471606333]

My husband works flexible hours, but he always goes into work 1 hour after me and comes home later then me even though he could work the same hours as me. This doesn't seem very efficient to me but when I've asked him about it he says it's to do with time zones abroad.
I know it's naughty and there's no excuse but I had a look at his history on his phone yesterday (which is something I haven't done in about 2 years), and found that he watches porn on his phone every morning for the hour after I have gone to work, and also after I go to sleep if I go to sleep before him.
I was really angry - not even so much about the porn itself but the amount of time he spends on it. What a waste of time!
I thought about confronting him about it but I think he would just be angry and say I shouldn't have looked at his phone, change the pin number and refuse to talk further about it. Instead I decided to put a child filter on his phone that he won't be able to remove without a code as a 'punishment'
Now I will just wait to see whether we never speak about it or if he confronts me. If he confronts me I will deny knowing anything about it. He doesn't have a personal computer so his phone is his only personal device.
Is this a clever plan or AIBU?

Sorry, but yabu.

You had no right to look at your husbands phone and what he does in his downtime is none of your business.

I understand you may be annoyed at him, but putting a childlock on his phone though initially satisfying will not address the root of your anger.

So, be honest with yourself: is it the porn that's bothering you? If yes, it's tricky. Think about your objections to porn. Why does it bother you and what would you like your husband to do about it? Then have a calm conversation about it.
If your husband is massively into porn, he may not agree to stop watching it. So consider your options, if he refuses (or say "yes" to appease you and carry on as before).

Or is it the time he spends doing watching porn. Why does that bother you? Is it because you think he could fill his time with worthier pursuits or is he simply not pulling his weight and watching porn instead?
If it's the first: suck it up. You don't get to control your husbands downtime. If he is not pulling his weight, it's back to having a grown-up conversation. No need to even mention the porn. Not taking part in the running of the household is shitty whatever you fill your time with instead.

Having said that: if you can, remove the lock now before husband notices. Nothing is worth that fall-out.
If he has it back, apologise, explain and grovel (yes, it's you who fucked up - not him) and maybe even use it as an opportunity to start a conversation about what's really bothering you.

Just for illustration: my partner has left The house at 9 this morning, I don't have to leave until 1.30pm. I relish the the time in which I have the place to myself as does he (i'm coming back later). This morning I have drunk the coffee so brought me before leaving, fed the cats and wasted time on my phone. I'd be incredibly unimpressed if my DP tried to control this time. If he had snooped on my phone and put a childlock (or similar) on my phone I would seriously consider leaving.

You sound like a right controlling prick. He can watch whatever he wants.

I agree with pp. If a husband had done this to his wife it would be called controlling, abusive and there would be lots of ltb 's.

He is a grown man and should be free to watch whatever he chooses in his spare time.
I don't watch porn personally but my dh probably thinks me watching gilmore girls is a waste of time. I would be absolutely fuming if he did something to stop me watching! My free time is mine to waste however I please.
YABU

Oona - I hope you have Netflix as GG is coming back in November!!! Ahhhhhhh xx

I absolutely do Rose, purely for Gilmore purposes!

Of course YABU!

Either -
A) you have a problem with him wasting time no matter what it is and either 1) he has things he needs to do in which case you discuss the issue with him or 2) you just think it's a waste of time in which case tough as its up to him what he wastes his time on.

B) you are against porn. In which case discuss why and how you can move forward.

C) you're not against porn just how often/ how much which again needs to be discussed.

Overall you need to talk. Any marriage where you can't talk is already doomed.

Don't treat him like a child- he's not doing anything illegal. Morally dubious to some yes but not illegal.

It's not your choice what he does. You either talk and resolve, talk and split or don't talk but let things continue as they are.

You have a problem with control.

Oona - hehe I am gonna have to rewatch the whole thing in preperation! Sorry DP the tv is mine for the foreseeable hahaha!!!

OP why were you looking through his search history?

Yep! And that is coming from someone who HATES porn.

As other have said if your issue is wasting time, what would you like to him to do with his time?
If underneath you realise it is watching porn, or the frequency (is it affecting your sex lives?) then all you can do is talk to him. I'm not sure how you can broach the subject.

I found out my partner watched it after he closed a webpage of I needed so went through the history to find it and reopen it. I found one site and then another and another. I was devastated. My issue with porn is partly from a society point of it's dirty but also because of how my DP constantly told me how he didn't want or need to watch it because he had me and that's all he needed. It sunk in too deep and when I found it I felt betrayed and rejected. I walked out. He wanted me back and agreed no more porn. He has however gone back on this, mainly when we have been having issues (even at times when I didn't realise there were issues!) and hasn't hidden it at all, so I've eventually come across it again in the similar scenarios (even on my pc) or he's been watching it on his phone in bed whilst I'm asleep next to him... Talk about passive aggressive. The only time we haven't separated because of it was the last time, and I felt trapped as we were buying a house together and I had nowhere else to live as everything was tied in in the new house, even my parents was a no go.
So I can see the other side of being controlled and 'punished'. It's petty. If you have an issue you need to talk about it. Better to be out in the open and split up than for you to be stuck with those feelings all the time.

Wanted to add DP is an IT man, so knows how to hide things, delete history etc. It was all intentional.

Peach that is really sad - I hope things improve for you

I would be devastated, hurt and incredibly angry if I discovered that my dp was watching porn for an hour every morning, especially if he'd lied to cover it up. So I can understand that you might feel the need to do something in... Revenge, almost. However, it really isn't the answer and instead you need to talk to him and explain that you are upset by his behavior, and explain why.

Thanks Rose, we have been in the new house for nearly 2 years and other than a few minor fights that haven't lasted more than a couple of hours before we sort it out things are great. Hopefully it's obvious that there are loads of great qualities to my DP otherwise I wouldn't of stood for his BS.
I just wanted to share my story so OP knew how much porn affected me and yet I still think the child lock isn't the right way to deal with the situation.

YABU for looking at his phone, YABU for tampering with it. He is a grown man, really what he does with his free time so long as he isnt cheating is none of your business.

I think that was clear Peach :) it's just sometimes partners do stuff that really winds the other person up! I think it's reallly good that you can work through these things and keep moving! It would be very easy just the throw in the towel.

Unfortunately yabu.

He is also bu watching that much porn on a daily basis though, occasionally yes, daily for an hour plus I think it means there are issues that need attending to. Admit you snooped and have a very open and honest discussion about your relationship and why he feels he needs to look at porn every single day and why you felt the need to look at his phone. Anything else will just end badly.