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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to put a child lock on husband's phone

66 replies

user1471606333 · 17/10/2016 10:12

My husband works flexible hours, but he always goes into work 1 hour after me and comes home later then me even though he could work the same hours as me. This doesn't seem very efficient to me but when I've asked him about it he says it's to do with time zones abroad.
I know it's naughty and there's no excuse but I had a look at his history on his phone yesterday (which is something I haven't done in about 2 years), and found that he watches porn on his phone every morning for the hour after I have gone to work, and also after I go to sleep if I go to sleep before him.
I was really angry - not even so much about the porn itself but the amount of time he spends on it. What a waste of time!
I thought about confronting him about it but I think he would just be angry and say I shouldn't have looked at his phone, change the pin number and refuse to talk further about it. Instead I decided to put a child filter on his phone that he won't be able to remove without a code as a 'punishment'
Now I will just wait to see whether we never speak about it or if he confronts me. If he confronts me I will deny knowing anything about it. He doesn't have a personal computer so his phone is his only personal device.
Is this a clever plan or AIBU?

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 17/10/2016 10:54

I would be very cross indeed if my dp did this to me

OohMavis · 17/10/2016 10:54

Two hours a day watching porn is extreme. Lying to your wife and scheduling your work day around porn is extreme.

I wouldn't be child-locking his phone, I'd be sitting him down and telling him I think he has a problem.

trulybadlydeeply · 17/10/2016 10:55

I agree with everyone else, this is appalling, controlling behaviour.

However I wonder how your relationship is otherwise? Are you both happy? What prompted you to look at the 'phone history in the first place? You seem generally suspicious of him. I also note that you say you hadn't looked at the history for about 2 years - which implies that there has been distrust in this relationship before.

This childish behaviour of yours is not going to help matters, it's only going to make things worse. You say you're going to deny all knowledge of the child filter - how is this actually going to solve the issues? If you want to make this relationship work you are both going to have to talk to each other, truthfully and honestly. Would you consider some sort of couples counselling?

Mix56 · 17/10/2016 10:57

This won't end well.
You cannot decide for him, you can however talk to, or ditch him.

OnionKnight · 17/10/2016 10:58

Where does the OP say that he watches porn for two hours a day or that he schedules his work day around porn?

He's allowed to work different hours y'know.

Dontpanicpyke · 17/10/2016 10:59

I think the ops dh sees how she spends her time on the net and has locked her phone.

Ausernotanumber · 17/10/2016 10:59

I read poem. I don't tell my dp every time I do. If he blocked me from those sites I'd be really angry.

TransvisionTramp · 17/10/2016 11:01

It's called a Child Lock. For a Child. He's your husband.
If you're that bothered bring up the subject of Porn and discuss it.
I wonder if there's a back story to why you're snooping.

Cherryskypie · 17/10/2016 11:04

'found that he watches porn on his phone every morning for the hour after I have gone to work'
'also after I go to sleep if I go to sleep before him'

So maybe it's more like 1.5 hours a day averaged out.

PhotosGinAndALongLieIn · 17/10/2016 11:06

Porn is not the same as mumsnet or candy crush.

I mentioned candy crush because I was making that exact point. That it was the porn that was OP's issue and not the time wasting. OP said that the porn wasn't the issue, I felt that from her reaction, it was. My comment was that she probably wouldn't be so angry if it was something else.

FlyingElbows · 17/10/2016 11:06

I didn't know phones could tell you how long someone's spent looking at a specific thing. You learn a new thing every day!

Anyway... grow up and talk to your husband like an adult.

Ausernotanumber · 17/10/2016 11:08

If you're in bed sleeping or already away to work why do you care what time he's wasting ?

OnionKnight · 17/10/2016 11:09

Phones do not tell you how long someone spent looking at something.

OohMavis · 17/10/2016 11:12

If his phone history is time stamped and he's clicking on lots of different videos she'll have a good idea of how long he's watching it, I suppose.

Flingmoo · 17/10/2016 11:19

I can't believe you are treating your DH like a child. You have no right to snoop through his phone and tamper with it. This is incredibly controlling. I would feel really guilty if I snooped through DH's phone although I'd never find anything as he is an IT specialist who is incredibly careful with taking privacy measures! I'm pretty sure he watches porn sometimes, because most men do, but I wouldn't bother snooping or confronting him about it - after all I wouldn't want him judging my private fantasies or telling me off for masturbating!

It's fine to have objections to your DH watching porn but not on the grounds of it 'wasting time' unless it's really impacting you in terms of sharing out household responsibilities etc fairly. Surely it's up to him how he spends his downtime?

If you have a moral objection to the porn talk to him about it. But try not to be too confrontational - all that will likely achieve is that he'll get angry too, distance himself from you and continue the porn habit while hiding it better.

Maybe you could just bring up a general discussion about whether it's okay for married men to watch a lot of porn, and how it would make you feel?

Put his phone back to normal ASAP though, OP. You will really undermine his trust otherwise and that's not a healthy foundation for a marriage to be built on!

Mozfan1 · 17/10/2016 11:19

I'm not going to say if you were being unreasonable or not op wrt locking him out of websites, could have been a knee jerk reaction to being pissed off with your dh. I will say sorry you're upset about what he may or may not be up to on his phone, and if he is rescheduling his day around watching porn then I would feel the same as you. Hope you manage to speak to him and sort things out op

ItShouldHaveBeenJessMass · 17/10/2016 11:21

I think the issue is the porn and that the OP is being a little ingenuous when she claims to be more concerned about time-wasting. A frank and open discussion is what's called for here.

It's a truly horrible feeling to realise that your privacy has been invaded. My ex recently read my emails and also claimed to have looked at my posts on MN (while he was my ex) because I'd left my iPad logged in to both sites. I think the OP needs to confess to snooping and explain why she did it (there must be a reason for this) and then hopefully clear the air, but unfortunately, I would be surprised if DH becomes defensive and unwilling to talk, as he will feel degraded and humiliated at being spied upon.

TinnedChickenSoupCunt · 17/10/2016 11:22

YABVU

HarmlessChap · 17/10/2016 11:29

That's a classic example of controlling behaviour.

DW spends a lot of time playing Candy Crush and Bubble Witch, I can't see the appeal and it seems a waste to me. I could add them to the blocked servers list and then when she can't access them suggest she gets one with the ironing or cleaning or some other activity which I don't deem to be a waste of time.

How would that sound to the average Mumsnetter?

YorkieDorkie · 17/10/2016 11:31

Wow how passive aggressive of you .

whattodowiththepoo · 17/10/2016 11:32

YABVU punishing your partner? Fuck that.

peppercold · 17/10/2016 11:35

You're not his mother.

ItShouldHaveBeenJessMass · 17/10/2016 11:38

Harmless.

Nurszilla · 17/10/2016 11:41

Yikes, what an unhealthy way to deal with "issues" in a marriage. You are being very very very unreasonable.

Fair enough if he is having more "leisure" time with you and you are taking issue with this,maybe due to it being an unequal partnership with you perhaps doing more housework or taking care of children? That can be spoken about... But the activity itself is his choice.

joanne90 · 17/10/2016 11:45

Personally I think YABVU
As a woman, I also watch porn, mostly once a day, I would be horrified if my DP thought to put a child lock on it!
He is not a child, let him spend his free time as he pleases.

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