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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to choose work life balance over career and money?

77 replies

puglife15 · 16/10/2016 16:15

I'm considering leaving my 3 day a week professional, often stressful but well paid career to work in a lower pressure, lower paid environment on a consultancy / freelance basis, probably working half the hours I was before in a related field but probably on more interesting work. I'd also lose an excellent benefits package.

This would also mean less childcare required and I'd be able to do school pick ups and drop offs when dc1 starts next September.

We'd be able to eat and pay bills, but holidays, new clothes, new furniture, eating out etc wouldn't really be on the agenda. We currently save around £500 a month (for holidays and house stuff as well as longer term), that would be reduced.

In terms of career progression, if I needed to I think I'd be able to go back into a permanent (probably dull) job reasonably easily but at less money than I'm on now.

AIBU to consider this? How important is it to be able to pick kids up etc, and enjoy my work, vs how important is it to not be stressed about money? I've been doing the same job for nearly 15 years so I've lost perspective.

DH's career is going well but not brilliantly paid. I could currently earn more than him if I was ft but he really likes his work.

OP posts:
LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 16/10/2016 21:24

I did something similar, albeit with the cushion of a redundancy payout. I've been freelance for 6 years now.

For DS it has been brilliant - he has SN and needs a bit more support, any kind of group childcare after school would have been too much for him. As he goes into secondary being able to come home as opposed to unstructured time with friends will be very important.

For DP it has been brilliant - he's been able to build a career without having to think about covering inset days, he can travel at the drop of a hat.

For me it has sucked. I absolutely haven't fulfilled my potential work-wise, I feel I'm practically unemployable so feel very 'stuck' and I'm bored and irritable. With no pension. And I'm a very successful freelance.

My conclusion? There isn't a solution where everyone wins. Something always has to give - all you can do is make sure you're happy with what's being traded off.

Suzietwo · 16/10/2016 21:31

I agree - there is no solution. Do what works for you. Don't give in to the internal (or external!) guilt whichever way it's pulling. It won't help and the grass won't be greener just different seed

HyacinthFuckit · 16/10/2016 21:40

Wrt decent part time jobs, they are hard to come by but it sounds rather like OP doesn't really have one. Its full time hours, or near as dammit, for 60% of the salary.

DonaldStott · 16/10/2016 21:49

Not rtft, just your OP, but yanbu. I have gone from being able to drop off and pick my daughter up from school, to a better job, better money, job security, better prospects, fits in with my ethics...... but I can't drop off or pick my daughter up. Ever. It has gave me lots of guilt, upset to my daughter, who really likes routine. The extra 1.5hrs I work a day, have affected the quality time, cooking tea, etc. I KNOW this job is better for my family in the future, and in 6 months, I can enquire about flexible working etc., but I really really miss and took for granted the school run.

Theknittinggorilla · 16/10/2016 22:32

If you didn't have children do you think you would still do the job? So is it the part time, trying to fit it all in that's the problem, but otherwise you like the job/career?

The thing that is most swaying me to quit is that I'm not enjoying the job itself. Am sure that is partly because I'm effectively working at least a grade below where i would have been. But the only thing keeping me in the job is that it's part time.

If you like the job but it's tough at the moment getting the balance, it might be worth keeping going. If you are stuck in a job you don't want to do just because it's part time AND struggling to get the balance maybe it's worth taking a risk.

The hardest thing for me about leaving the children and going to work is that I'm not getting any satisfaction in what I'm doing when I get there. So feels lose/lose.

MistressDeeCee · 16/10/2016 23:29

How important is it to be able to pick kids up etc, and enjoy my work, vs how important is it to not be stressed about money?

I left a well paying f/t job 3 after having 2nd DD, and I didnt regret it for a minute. That isn't to say I wasn't terrified making the decision, but I went ahead. I've not regretted it for a moment. I went self-employed and also did some casual work on the side at times I felt needed a bit more money. Stressful at times yes but being able to spend more time with DDs + do school runs, go to school events and have some me time here and there made it well worth it.

I suppose Id have had a career and maybe more money if Id stayed in f/t work but it was stressful and I was knackered, there's more to life than that I don't even know if I will live to an old age, I have a pension but Im not concerned with hoarding as much as possible for old age. DDs are grown and working now, and life is for living

Good luck whatever you decide to do

Original poster
puglife15 · 17/10/2016 05:10

Thanks all. Obviously I don't have a crystal ball but I'm expecting I'll enjoy at least some of the freelance work a lot more than my permanent job. I'm a bit concerned about working by myself as I'm quite extrovert but know lots of mums who do it and there are flexible work spaces around.

Thinking about it I can't see myself staying in this job for another 10 years regardless so at some point I'll have to either go freelance, go full time or try to find another elusive pt role anyway... Why not now when the kids are young.

Honestly I think I'll find the structure more stressful in some ways - looking after two kids is hard and I'll be doing more of it! I used to pick DC up late and do bath book bed, it was a rush but there was no cooking, playing, stopping DCs from fighting, homework, getting uniform ready etc to worry about.

OP posts:
Hirosleaftunnel · 17/10/2016 05:59

I wouldn't do it. I gave up work to move abroad with DH. Things weren't as promised and we had money worries for the first time ever. Once my DC started primary school I got a job and things are now much better. Don't under estimate how much stress a drop in income can put on a family.

mumsimim · 17/10/2016 19:56

I work at least 40 hours a week and feel under pressure and stressed out all the time. Unfortunately, I don't have the option to go part time. If you can do it and be able to live happily with what u earn, go for it.

Waitingfordolly · 17/10/2016 21:01

I did it. I love the work but I work much harder than I did before because of all of the work I have to do in getting work, and also it is both more and less flexible - the less is that I can't delegate meetings etc. to someone else, if I'm offered a piece of work at a time that's inconvenient and I really need the money I have to take it (ditto types of work I don't really like) and I always have to be at the top of my game, there's not the same leeway for off days as there can be when working with people you know well, e.g. to go and pick up a sick child, so I would say it depends on how much work you'll have to do to get work.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 17/10/2016 22:03

Waiting that is actually a really good point about the extra work involved and other issues and is really the reason I haven't taken the leap yet.

Waitingfordolly · 17/10/2016 22:31

I wouldn't want to discourage anyone, it very much depends what line of work you're in. It is great in so many ways but when you're constantly having to find new work or juggle clashing projects it's hard. I definitely think about work much more now than when I was a full time executive. But then in my line of work there are relatively short term projects and I work on a few at a time, other people may have more regular streams of income so it might not apply quite as much.

TooStressyForMyOwnGood · 17/10/2016 22:41

Is good to hear a balanced view though as it's a big decision! Certainly you haven't discouraged me, hope my post didn't imply that. There is a lot to think about.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 17/10/2016 23:34

Before I'd throw in the towel I'd explore getting a job share at work so there are two of you covering one role, overlapping on a Wednesday to handover for example?

The issue sounds more like your current employer is taking the piss and you are allowing it to happen. If you did your three days and were then not available what would happen?

FullTimeYummy · 18/10/2016 07:18

Sort your work life balance out, that's the most important thing.

But don't ever complain about the gender pay gap

Original poster
puglife15 · 18/10/2016 11:08

waiting initially at least I would have some long term projects so finding work wouldn't be an issue.

I'm more concerned about trying to have it all at the moment - the stress of doing work, doing two pick ups, making dinner etc - much harder than just picking them up at 6!

fulltime why not?!

OP posts:
notinagreatplace · 18/10/2016 11:20

It sounds like leaving your current job makes sense - it's not just about the hours, it's that you don't even enjoy it that much, if I'm reading your posts right.

I would, though, consider going freelance but not reducing your hours so much as a compromise option here for a few reasons:

It doesn't sound like your DH has great earning potential or a lot of career options so, if he were to lose his job, it would be good for you to have more clients/projects on the go.

I think you would find the lack of disposable income a bit miserable over time - do you really want never to be able to afford to go on holiday or eat out?

It sounds like you would be quite vulnerable to things like the boiler breaking and needing to be replaced because you wouldn't be able to save for that eventuality.

Being around for pick-ups/drop-offs definitely is nice but I don't think having to use the after school club once or twice a week would be a big deal set aside the other considerations.

I also think it's worth your DH looking into his options more thoroughly - so his current employer won't give him any flexibility, are there really no other employers nearby at all that he could work for? Even just cutting down his commute, let alone going part-time would make a difference to what he could contribute at home. It does sort of sound like it's up to you to make all the compromises and that doesn't really feel fair. If there are absolutely no other options for him, I really wouldn't want to be that reliant on his income, to be honest.

Original poster
puglife15 · 18/10/2016 14:47

notin good advice thanks. Yes I wouldn't be averse to using breakfast or after school clubs. We have enough in savings for a new boiler and new car, both of which we need funnily enough, and then a buffer of I think about 15k if one of us lost their job etc which would pay for the essentials for 6 months but obviously would rather be growing it for the future. So we wouldn't be in dire straits but would have to cut our cloth.

We are sitting down tonight to look at finances properly to see what is viable.

OP posts:
mumsimim · 19/10/2016 00:45

We live in the State and where we live driving is absolutely necessary. Everything is at least 5 miles away and no side walks!!

mumsimim · 19/10/2016 00:50

Please Ingnore my comment. It is meant to be posted some where else but I can't delete itSmile

ftw · 19/10/2016 00:59

If your 3 day week bleeds into evenings and weekends, what makes you think the same wouldn't still be true if you reduced your hours further?

Is there any way you could make your current 3 days actually 3 days? (So the work would be less and intrude less into your own time but the salary would be the same.)

I work school hours in a professional job, both DC now in school. I love being able to drop off and pick up, but the reality is they're so exhausted after school they flake out in front of the TV and barely notice me - it's not like it's quality time. They perk up again when they get their dinner which coincides with DH coming home, so then they have good, fun time with him.

Sometimes I wish I was coming in at that time too.

Original poster
puglife15 · 19/10/2016 03:08

Ftw the nature of where I work and the industry means that I could put better boundaries in place but at my level is unrealistic to expect there won't be late nights etc at least some of the time. Most people who work there don't have children work very long hours so it's already conspicuous leaving "on time". It's also not an easy role to job share, I've never heard of anyone job sharing in a similar role. And really they need the person doing the job to be FT - there is simply too much work to fit into the days whereas with freelancing/contacting i would have more control over what I took on.

I'd also still not be able to do school drop off or pick ups on those three days. Not sure how important this is.

Ultimately though, I'm still unlikely to be happy in my job as I'm simply not getting much satisfaction out of the work and I don't get on with some colleagues (although most are lovely). I could push for a different role at the same place, I suppose.

If the work is enjoyable and interesting - which I hope the freelance stuff would be - I wouldn't mind doing it in the evenings or weekends occasionally.

OP posts:
Kiwiinkits · 19/10/2016 03:30

When men say 'my boss won't give me part time' i think to myself 'bullshit'. I bet he hasn't actually asked. Has he.

Plenty of women manage to balance home and work. But somehow, miraculously, men can't. Because their boss won't 'let them' too proud to ask

Kiwiinkits · 19/10/2016 03:32

Puglife, my advice to me would be only do this if you retain a little bit of money for 'flex and fun'. Life's pretty dire if you can't afford a few indulgences.

Kiwiinkits · 19/10/2016 03:35

Also, out of experience, your kids will hardly notice if a student or after school club minds them 1 or 2 days a week. They might even enjoy it. I would look to work 2 full days and 2 half days, or something like that. Because having visibility at work will affect how you are percieved. People who leave at 2.30 are always lumped in as being on 'the mummy track' and it will bite further down the line.