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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's ok if DD doesn't have a birthday party every year?

53 replies

yorkshapudding · 16/10/2016 08:23

DD turns three in a couple of weeks. We had a party for her first birthday, which was lovely, lots of friends and family. Last year we took her to a theme park type attraction for the day then had a Birthday Tea (at our house, did a buffet, cake etc) for grandparents, aunts and uncles and their DC in the evening. This year we haven't got around to planning anything yet due to being busy with work and house reservations so we'll probably take her for a nice day out somewhere.

Yesterday DH told me he feels "really guilty" that she won't be having a party this year and didn't have one last year (buffet at our house didn't count as a party apparently because it was only family and their DC) and that "we will definitely have to have one next year". He seems to think it's a really big deal, like we're depriving her or something whereas I don't see it as an issue if she doesn't have an actual party every year as long as she has a nice time.

Part of me is also a bit annoyed as surely if it was that important to him he could have taken the initiative to organise something himself or at least told me he wanted her to have a party before it's too late to do anything about it!

I suspect this is partly because his sister's always throw their DC's a big party every year and they seem to get bigger and more elaborate each time. They usually with multiple children's entertainers, a professional photographer and/ or videographer, cake so big it looks like it needs a mortgage etc. so I wonder if he's worried we'll look mean by comparison. His parents have always blatantly favoured his sisters and are quick to compare our DD to their DC's so I wouldn't be surprised if one of them has said something. DH said it's not that but I think it's a bit of a coincidence that he suddenly came out with this after we were visiting his family yesterday.

I don't have a problem with hosting parties, I'm happy to do it as long as I have a bit of notice. I just don't think that we have anything to feel guilty about and I don't believe our DD is the only child who doesn't have a party every year whereas DH seems to think she is!

Perfectly willing to be told I am being unreasonable by the way if that's the consensus. I don't want DD to be spoilt but I don't want her to feel hard done by either.

OP posts:

Lapinlapin · 16/10/2016 09:11

With mine I only did a 'proper' party for friends etc from age 4. Until then we just had a family party at home.

We'd put up balloons, I'd spend ages making a cake and we'd have a birthday tea with family. DC loved it. To them, that was a birthday party.

As they get older, of course they like parties with friends. It may be just my dc, but age 2 or 3 they didn't really have that many friends anyway! There were children they went to nursery / preschool with, my friends' children but not really actual friends of their choosing. They certainly weren't sad not to see them on their birthday. They loved seeing grandparents though.

LetsJunglyJumpToIt · 16/10/2016 09:13

Of course you don't need a party. When DS turned 2 we took him out for the day to somewhere we knew he would love.

Make the most of it, in another year she'll be asking for a soft play party! This is how I spend my weekends now my eldest has started school...

Afreshstartplease · 16/10/2016 09:14

We have three DC, number 4 due any day

Until school age we just do small birthday tea at home and maybe a trip out cinema/zoo etc

Once they start school they alternate a party one year and day out the next. They all seem fine with this! They always get special birthday tea too. Some DC they go to school with never have a birthday party and some have one every year.

Ifounddory · 16/10/2016 09:14

Mine have NEVER had one and the oldest is 12. We do a special day on the closest weekend where we go out as a family and do something nice and have a meal. Other family come over or we visit family on the day. This year since the oldest is 12 we had a family meal on her birthday but her treat was the cinema with a couple of friends rather than with us.

We've never been able to afford to do huge parties so just haven't done it. The kids haven't complained. We make them feel special on their birthdays and I think that is what's important.

MrsJayy · 16/10/2016 09:18

Mine had a Birthday at 3,5 ,7/811/12 and 16 and lastly 18 the rest of the Birthdays were just us cake and a day out sometimes with a friend sometimes not. They dont need parties every year and even when they do it doesnt have to be a lot of kids some of the parties we had were bowling cinema etc .

MrsJayy · 16/10/2016 09:19

BIrthday Party*

Toffeelatteplease · 16/10/2016 09:21

DCs are 9 an 10 between them I can count the number of actual parties they've had between them one hand. Theyve both had one whole class disco and DD has had a couple of others. We've always done a birthday tea for family at home and cake and sung happy birthday (sometimes in the most fantastic places), but usually we've done something tailored to the kids interests, Everything from theme park days, to build a bear, to "lavish" shopping trips (generally everything I would have been buying anyway condensed into one day).

We've had an awesome time!

I will add though it's been a long time until either had had a settled friendship group. DS has SN and DD had an awfull bunch of friends for a long time. This year DS is settled in school. DD broken free and has a really fantastic little bunch of buddies who are well worth treating. So this year are parties planned.

Stevefromstevenage · 16/10/2016 09:21

Totally ageee OP, we always have a special day but not necessarily always a big group party. As they get older we have asked the kids for their input on the plans. They have not always asked for the party.

NightWanderer · 16/10/2016 09:24

We're doing something similar for DD's third birthday. We're going out for the day to her favourite place and will have lunch there. Then home for cake and pizza, plus she'll get presents. She's more than happy with this. Her birthday is on Boxing Day, so I don't think we'll ever be able to do a party with friends.

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 16/10/2016 09:25

Such a relief seeing all these responses. I was beginning to feel like a right meanie

I had a real mix of different birthdays as a kid. From days out to the zoo or a theme park (sometimes with a friend, sometimes not), to whole class parties in a hired venue to taking a couple of friends to the cinema then they stay for a sleepover. I enjoyed them all and I can't recall favouring one sort of birthday over the other. I don't want us to fall into the trap of having to do the same sort of thing every year because it's what people 'expect'.

OP posts:

JosephineMaynard · 16/10/2016 09:27

I really wouldn't worry about big parties for a 3 yr old. They'll be just as happy with a day out and / or small birthday tea at home.

The only proper party we've had is for DS1's 5th birthday - he wanted a whole class soft play party. Previous birthdays, he's not been bothered.

No parties every year for me and my siblings growing up either - we had some parties, but I remember plenty of times when instead of a party, we had days out (e.g. to theme parks) with one or two friends invited along. I was just as happy with the special days out as with the parties.

Original poster

yorkshapudding · 16/10/2016 09:31

DS has SN and DD had an awfull bunch of friends hmm for a long time. This year DS is settled in school. DD broken free and has a really fantastic little bunch of buddies who are well worth treating. So this year are parties planned

Now that certainly is worth celebrating Toffee! Hope both your DC's have a fantastic time

OP posts:

WatchingFromTheWings · 16/10/2016 09:31

My 6yo DS has never had a party. We do days out instead. My teenagers had parties as young kids. Spent a bloody fortune, invited the whole class, only half turned up then half the cake ends up in the bin due to not being able to eat it all. Complete waste of money. If my youngest asks for a party next year it'll be a select few round for tea or maybe bowling.

Jennywallpaper · 16/10/2016 09:32

My DS will be 3 in a few weeks time and we aren't having a party for him this year. The last 2 years he had party's at soft play and as much as he enjoyed it I don't think he knew what was really going on. This year we are just going to do presents, a cake and a day out somewhere as a family. I think there is plenty of time for party's when they are at school and have their own friends.

DrSausagedog · 16/10/2016 09:43

I don't really see the point in having massive parties, especially when they are very young. We've always just had extended family round for party foods and cake and a day out of her choice.

DD will be 5 this year and as we will have a new baby wasn't keen on hosting a big party. Mentioned her upcoming birthday to DD and she said she wanted a party like the ones she's had in previous years, just with family, plus a family day out. She said she prefers that to the big soft play parties she's been invited to by friends.

FleurThomas · 16/10/2016 11:41

If she doesn't have a party every year then she shouldn't go to her cousin's elaborate parties every year either. Nothing is worse than growing up being the eternal birthday party guest year in year out & never getting a big day yourself. (I had mean/lazy parents too).

allowlsthinkalot · 16/10/2016 13:18

A party can just be a play date with a cake and some balloons. I think they can be overwhelmed by big parties when they are little.

user1471545174 · 16/10/2016 13:26

She won't remember these early parties.

4-9 is more important and need not be every year.

Toffeelatteplease · 16/10/2016 15:00

yorkshapudding

Thank you, I totally agree!!

RubyRoseViolet · 16/10/2016 15:04

Of course it's ok! I literally do not know a single person who has a party like the one you describe so don't feel guilty at all. I think it's nice to mark birthdays in different ways to be honest. Obviously everyone is different but I think children's parties can be very stressful and expensive.

RubyRoseViolet · 16/10/2016 15:07

Wow Fleur!! Parents are mean and lazy if they don't have massive parties every year? Maybe they can't afford it, maybe their child is shy and doesn't like parties. It is entirely up to the other family members if they want to organise a big party, no one is forcing them!

belleandsnowwhite · 16/10/2016 15:30

We do special days out and a special tea with balloons and cake. Unless my dc ask I will avoid parties.

Vanillaradio · 16/10/2016 15:45

Ds turns 3 next month and we are having a family day out followed by nice tea and cake. A couple of his nursery friends have had parties which we took him to, one involved a magician, disco etc and the 2 to 3 year olds seemed totally overwhelmed by it and didn't really get a lot out of it. I think we will wait till he says he wants one.

idontlikealdi · 16/10/2016 15:48

DTs had a party for their first, special days out for 2,3 and 4, and a whole class party for 5 once they had started school and actually had friends! For next year when they turn 6 it will be a trip put with some school friends. A 3yo doesn't need an actual party!

lasttimeround · 16/10/2016 15:50

I find these big parties for very young children are more for parents. It's all z big too much at that age. Having a special day out snd z few presents just with family is better. Plus it gives you somewhere to go when expectations rise with age. If you had an entertainer at 3 what will you do for 7 or 8?

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