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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why this child was sent home from Australia?

75 replies

BG2015 · 14/10/2016 19:02

My DP has a DD ( now 13). In Summer 2014 his ex told him that she was thinking of moving to Oz and would he give his permission to let her go. She had met a fella out there after numerous trips to visit her brother who lives in Australia.

DP agreed and signed relative paperwork. His relationship with his DD had been very on/off, not helped by a mother who refused to let him parent e.g she just turned up after her daughter rang to say she didn't want the food her dad was giving her, she then took DD home, long story.

So Sept 2014 they leave. The mum marries the Ozzie and that's that.

We then find out that grandparents bring DD (their granddaughter) back to the UK in Feb this year. My DP contacts the grandparents in order to find out what's gone on and to re-establish a relationship with his daughter.

The story is that DD cannot go to school in Australia yet??? Until her mum gets citizenship? Or she can't go to the 'right' school? We aren't totally sure. So she's sent back and resumes school in Year8, living with gp but spending some of the weekend with us.

Now gp have had enough, temper tamtrums, screaming, shouting, swearing at them. Mum refuses to let her live with us??

DP is currently at their house. They've called social services and the police.
They just can't take anymore.

Anyone know anything about Australian schooling? Citizenship? They live in Perth. It all seems odd to me!

I felel so sorry for the kid, abandoned by her mum while she carries on with her new husband in a new country. You get sent back to live with your grandparents.

OP posts:

Frazzled2207 · 14/10/2016 22:41

Your original post said she came back February this year. You later said she came back end of Jan 15.
Which is correct? Or have i misunderstood?

NightCzar · 14/10/2016 23:25

With regards to Australian school holidays, Term 4 started this week and then Summer hols are mid- December until end January. So she definitely missed a term of school.

With regards to schooling for non-citizens, you have to pay $4k per year, so around £2K. However, very many more kids go to private high school here than do in the UK. The private schools still get loads of government funding as well as charging high fees. You have to be on waiting lists for some of them from birth (for example, my DD is number 55 on a waitlist for one school because I didn't put her down until she was 6 weeks old and she was born late in the academic year). They all do waitlisted differently but it's not straight forward.

With so many kids going private, state schools can be a bit rubbish. It depends where you are. Near us, the state schools have started testing for entry to academic/musical/art streams and if you don't get into one of the streams , then you literally have to live next door to the school to get in.

So school places for high school mid year can be tricky. I know the thread has moved on but thought background might be useful.

EveOnline2016 · 14/10/2016 23:34

Looking a child in the eye.

I really can't slag of the mother, and dh has said if she wishes to know us in adulthood we will not take away the fact that she is a good mother. When we did have access she was a happy and contented child.

Cocoabutton · 15/10/2016 07:20

Frazzled, that is why I was confused. Unless the DD was here 13 months before the father found out, which is strange.

My own experience for completely different reasons was that police would not speak to DC without a duty social worker present. So one must have been involved, and will hopefully follow up. This means the LA and school will know. But your DP has PR so he can speak to the school. The DD will have a teacher responsible for her pastoral care.

Original poster

BG2015 · 15/10/2016 07:34

She came back Feb 2016, apologies. Stressed and half a bottle of wine!

She's been coming every weekend, and for extended periods during holidays too.

OP posts:

SimplyNigella · 15/10/2016 08:48

It took DH 4 years in and out of court and tens of thousands of pounds to get a court order for contact with DSS which his mother has broken many times and the courts don't enforce. It's not always that easy for fathers and many don't have the financial means for a solicitor and are too intimidated by the court system to represent themselves. Before meeting DH I could never understand men who didn't fight to see their children but I have a different perspective on it now.

Cocoabutton · 15/10/2016 08:50

So 18 months in school in Oz? And going back in New Year, presumably when mum has sorted good schooling? So a year (almost) planned with her maternal grandparents and seeing her dad at weekends and holidays. Good in school, reticent with you, emotional and stressed with her GP.

You think she should not have been sent back (your post title) and that she needs her mum.

Has anyone asked what she wants? She is 13, so courts would ask this.

Cocoabutton · 15/10/2016 08:50

Good schooling for secondary, I mean.

Cocoabutton · 15/10/2016 08:53

SimplyNigella, the other - and far more usual situation - is that men leave the mother to get on with bringing up the child whilst starting a new life. But that is not the argument here.

Bestthingever · 15/10/2016 08:58

I don't understand why the Op is getting a hard time. She is genuinely concerned for the poor girl and the situation is not one she has created nor has much control over. I don't have many words of wisdom for you. I think the best place for her is with you but I don't know what you can do if she refuses. I also suspect if you took her the mother would be straight over from Australia to kick up hell.

MrsDeVere · 15/10/2016 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgingermunchkin · 15/10/2016 09:01

To all those saying that he's obviously a crap father who made no effort; my father did try, but my mother was emotionally manipulative so in the end, I stopped seeing my father because I couldn't cope with the behaviour it brought out in my mother. It wasn't my fathers fault.

OP, I suggest that you DP talks to the school and tried to get her some counselling. I also think that counselling for the two of them together might help.

And I don't think she should be going back to OZ

Bestthingever · 15/10/2016 09:15

Your dp absolutely needs to prevent her going back to Australia. She needs stability.

InTheseFlipFlops · 15/10/2016 09:29

i don't understand why she's not with her mum in aus or here.
It's not fair on her grandparents
It's not fair on her dad who'd have her
But most of all there's a little girl in the middle of it all (is mum still twisting from the other side of the world?)
I'd do two things, speak to school about councilling and speak to a solicitor to get the legal side sorted.
These years are too important for her mum to fuck up for her

Poor thing must feel so confused.
Chin up op, I can see how your dh's hands have been tied. I think your getting an unfair ride on here too, given that the mum sent her back without coming back herself speaks volumes.

Original poster

BG2015 · 15/10/2016 13:58

Thank you for your support.

From what I can gather after last nights 'meeting' is that DD(step) will not commit to where she wants to live either way. She just shrugs her shoulders. She refuses to talk about it. My DP has given her the option to live with us full time, or to spilt the week 3/4 days with grandparents and us. She won't commit.

Maternal GM also disclosed that DD doesn't like her mums new husband and that her daughter (DD mum) is being quite free and easy out there in Oz with no responsibilities e.g. going out drinking a lot etc. I don't know how true this is!

She did see her mum during the summer for 3 weeks. I've never met her mum but I do know from mutual friends that's she's quite a vocal person, can be quite volatile and pushy! When I first met my DP 2 yrs ago she somehow got photos of me and put them on her FB page with lots of very derogatory things said about me on there. Very upsetting for me, but I ignored it and rose above it. That's my only dealings with her. But from that experience I don't think she's a very nice person.

To leave your daughter with your parents, in favour of a new man just speaks volumes to me.

OP posts:

MrsDeVere · 15/10/2016 14:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 15/10/2016 14:13

I've got friends who moved over and their kids started school straight away without citizenship in NSW.

pieceofpurplesky · 15/10/2016 14:23

I think you and your dp need to go and talk to the girl with no police around and reassure her that you both love her and she will always have a home with you. That DO, you and your DD would love her to be a full time part of the family. Tell her it's a fresh start

Kahlua4me · 15/10/2016 14:24

Could you suggest to her that she comes to stay for a while, rather than moving in?

That may suit her better for now as nobody is then asking her to commit to a final decision, and in a way, the pressure has been taken off her shoulders.

It seems as though she has been through a tough time being shipped around and nobody wanting her. She maybe feels as though her dad will then try to kick her out too, like her mum and gran parents, and goodness knows what her mum has being saying about her dad.

madgingermunchkin · 15/10/2016 14:25

She obviously feels like a burden, and that no one actually wabts her to live with them. Is there any chance you could go over with DP and say "please come and live with us, your room is still there waiting for you, we want you to come home"?

Frazzled2207 · 15/10/2016 14:30

Can you suggest a nice family activity this weekend eg cinema and meal out/takeaway to get her our of the house and ease the pressure a bit?

Frazzled2207 · 15/10/2016 14:34

If she refuses to make a decision herself then it's clearly going to have to be made on her behalf. If the gps are supportive of her coming to live with you not sure what the issue is, the mother's view is irrelevant imo

AcrossthePond55 · 15/10/2016 15:35

What do you think would happen if the adults in the situation were to say "We have decided that it is in your bests interests to spend nights at your dad's house. Would you rather spend two consecutive nights or two separate nights? Which nights would you like?". In this way she has a bit of control (choose which nights) yet she doesn't have the responsibility of making the decision herself. Could she feel she is 'betraying' her mother if she moves altogether? Could staying where she is, in her mind, equal that she will be going back to Aus?

InTheseFlipFlops · 15/10/2016 21:05

I'm wondering if she wants to come to you but can't say because she doesn't want to upset her mum / cause problems. If you take the decision along with legal action it takes it away from her upsetting her mum

Liara · 15/10/2016 21:11

I left my mother's house when I was a bit older than that due to a similar bf situation - all I can say is that she desperately needs to have somewhere she feels she is wanted, and secure.

Your dh should be doing everything in his power to persuade her that he really, really wants her to live with you. For your sakes. Because you want her there. She would be doing you a favour.

Because right now, she probably feels she isn't wanted anywhere at all and that anywhere she is she has to be grateful for people tolerating her presence.

Be ready for her to really test whether you mean it. She might be quite challenging initially. She will need to know whether you wanting to be here is conditional on her 'being good' or unconditional.

She really needs unconditional right now. Yes, you will have to set some limits and so on, but you really need to make sure she feels wanted even if she is being a horror.

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