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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder why this child was sent home from Australia?

75 replies

BG2015 · 14/10/2016 19:02

My DP has a DD ( now 13). In Summer 2014 his ex told him that she was thinking of moving to Oz and would he give his permission to let her go. She had met a fella out there after numerous trips to visit her brother who lives in Australia.

DP agreed and signed relative paperwork. His relationship with his DD had been very on/off, not helped by a mother who refused to let him parent e.g she just turned up after her daughter rang to say she didn't want the food her dad was giving her, she then took DD home, long story.

So Sept 2014 they leave. The mum marries the Ozzie and that's that.

We then find out that grandparents bring DD (their granddaughter) back to the UK in Feb this year. My DP contacts the grandparents in order to find out what's gone on and to re-establish a relationship with his daughter.

The story is that DD cannot go to school in Australia yet??? Until her mum gets citizenship? Or she can't go to the 'right' school? We aren't totally sure. So she's sent back and resumes school in Year8, living with gp but spending some of the weekend with us.

Now gp have had enough, temper tamtrums, screaming, shouting, swearing at them. Mum refuses to let her live with us??

DP is currently at their house. They've called social services and the police.
They just can't take anymore.

Anyone know anything about Australian schooling? Citizenship? They live in Perth. It all seems odd to me!

I felel so sorry for the kid, abandoned by her mum while she carries on with her new husband in a new country. You get sent back to live with your grandparents.

OP posts:

mimishimmi · 14/10/2016 20:16

They have to pay school fees if they are not citizens or permanent residents. I think it's about £5000 per year - they are still allowed to attend school of course.

hesterton · 14/10/2016 20:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

BG2015 · 14/10/2016 20:21

2 crap parents but at least one is trying and is HERE! At least one has a supportive partner whose trying to steer him in the right direction.

He's been sidelined, it's hard to push in and take control of a situation when you've been pushed away and rejected.

Everyone has the solution, but none of you actually know the full story or even have the problem to deal with. It's easy to sit on your iPad/phone/laptop and judge, throw advice and criticise our situation.

It amazes me how supportive and positive some people here are and how some are not.,

OP posts:

mygorgeousmilo · 14/10/2016 20:21

She needs to see a therapist. Your DP needs to build real trust and attachment with her before it's too late and she goes off the rails. Look at some courses such as 'strengthening families' or get some books. The attachment needs to be rebuilt. She is in a similar emotional position as a child coming into the care system. The lack of trust, low self esteem, unhealthy habits, tantrums, ask yourself what you would have done at 13 if you'd been dumped like this. She's had no schooling or structure and her parents essentially have given her up. Your DP has parental responsibility - he needs to assert himself as a responsible parent. She needs a stable home, and she needs the crap she's been through to be acknowledged and addressed. Neither parent is looking good here!!

SavoyCabbage · 14/10/2016 20:22

Maybe she was starting high school in February. At my dd's,school in Victoria you had to pay fees unless you were a resident. Also there are lots of other associated costs that we are just not used to paying for in the UK where we are used to education being free.

EverySongbirdSays · 14/10/2016 20:24

The police said

"monitor her sugar intake"

what a bizarre response

Original poster

BG2015 · 14/10/2016 20:25

Cocoa she went to Oz in September 14 and was home 4 months later at the end of Jan 15. I believe summer holidays are during that period. So she actually never attended school out there.

She is very bright academically. She's doing well in school

OP posts:

Theimpossiblegirl · 14/10/2016 20:26

She could live here permanently and forever as far as we're concerned.

Let's not give the op a hard time, she's more than ready to open her home to the poor kid. Op, it sounds like an awful situation for your step daughter, she must be feeling very unwanted and abandoned by her mother (and possibly her father, you just don't know what's been said).

Hopefully you can get her living with you, then start working on helping her to settle and move on from all this. It won't be easy, but I think you know that. Good luck.

NotAnotherUserName1234 · 14/10/2016 20:27

OP - have you tried to talking to her? as in been kind to her? said to her face that she is welcome to stay with you and has a room etc?

Cocoabutton · 14/10/2016 20:27

Well, to be fair, OP, you are asking for advice - and you have no idea what situations I have or have not dealt with in recent years.

Cocoabutton · 14/10/2016 20:31

Okay, I thought she came back Feb this year - so she has been living with the grandparents 18 months.

I guess I would be looking at underlying issues, which is why I suggested EdPsych. She needs counselling for starters, but she might have high functioning autism or anxiety or a condition like that which makes it difficult for her to regulate her emotions. The school are well placed to help impartially but they need to know there is a problem. She probably presents fine at school and it is all coming out at her GPs house.

crashdoll · 14/10/2016 20:41

Poor excuses for fathers always have excuses why they didn't bother to keep in contact with their children. It's usually the woman's fault.

I feel very sorry for this poor girl.

RandomMess · 14/10/2016 20:42

Can you afford to pay for a therapist for her privately - I think she will need this to help her process it all.

It would likely be best for her to move in with you but difficult if she is refusing

AcrossthePond55 · 14/10/2016 20:48

To an extent, she probably feels that she has been abandoned by both her parents. No wonder she's angry and hurt. It doesn't matter who took her away, who didn't maintain contact, or who poisoned her mind. All that matters now is that she begin to learn to trust.

Best thing now is for your DH (with you alongside) to begin to build a bridge to her. Counseling will be best, if she refuses then you and your DH should go to learn the tools to help her.

I agree that forcing her to move in probably wouldn't work at this point. She'd just run away (to who knows where) or her behaviour would deteriorate even more. All you can do is try to reach her and try to make your home seem like a safe, permanent home. You'll need to enlist her grandparents in making this happen. Would they be willing to support DH and you in this? Because if they are going to continue to kowtow to their daughter you're going to have a tough row to hoe.

Mindfields · 14/10/2016 21:03

EverySongbird I was just going to say the same. Bizarre.

Not even sure why the Police were called in the first place let alone why they were giving out nutritional advice

Blaze6 · 14/10/2016 21:09

No wonder she won't talk to anyone she's been dragged half way across the world to follow her mothers new boyfriend and has been sent straight back 4 months later! She probably has some serious trust issues right now

DotForShort · 14/10/2016 21:17

Poor child. It is crystal clear why her behaviour has deteriorated. I agree with PPs. It would be in her best interests for your partner to assume his role as a parent, bring her back to your house, and help her work through her feelings of abandonment and insecurity (with the assistance of professionals).

I appreciate that physically moving her from one house to another is probably impossible if she doesn't consent. However, I think it is up to your partner to return to the grandparents' house every day if necessary, to talk to his daughter again and again, to convince her that he really means it when he says he wants to be a stable presence in her life. That will not result in a fairy tale ending, I would assume. But it could be the beginning of a chance for this child.

Original poster

BG2015 · 14/10/2016 21:23

I feel for her, I really do. She doesn't talk very much to me really, I've tried but it's hard going.

She's supposed to be going back in the New Year so things are very uncertain. I personally believe her mum should just come back and either stay in the UK until she can attend school or take her back now.

She needs her mum!

OP posts:

Nurszilla · 14/10/2016 21:25

Is she registered with a GP here? Would she see them to discuss a referral to CAMHS or you could get your DP to refer her himself? It sounds like she could do with some sort of therapy to support her with all of the transitions she has been going through recently. Do you have a good enough relationship with her to suggest this?

Otherwise perhaps DP could go back round in the morning when things have calmed down a bit and suggest bringing her home just "for a while" to give her some breathing space from the arguments at GP's? (Then show her how much she is loved and figure out a way to support her)

Nurszilla · 14/10/2016 21:26

Sorry, cross-posted there.

AnthonyPandy · 14/10/2016 22:00

I don't understand, has she been back in the UK since Feb 2015 0r Feb 2016? And she's been at school while with the grandparents? Are they nearby? Would she continue at the same school if she came to live with you?

I think you need to take whatever legal steps you can to get her to live with you and give her some stability and forget about her mum, she sounds a flake who doesn't put her daughter first.

Cabrinha · 14/10/2016 22:03

She's supposed to be going back in the new year?
A an emotionally disturbed child, dragged to the other side of the world. Then sent back.
And after 18 months her father hasn't managed to get her living with him - you don't have to say on here on course, but be honest with yourself - did he really try?

There is no way he should be standing back and letting her be shipped back to Australia again.
He shouldn't want it for his own sake - I'm pretty that he let her go in the first place, but surely he doesn't want to let her go again?

Absolute nonsense to say she needs her mum. What she needs is a proper parent. You trust that is her mother? Has her mother been over to the UK in this 18 month period?

What has your boyfriend done about this return in the new year? Has he spoken to a solicitor about an order to stop it happening? So that he can ensure she has one good and consistent parent helping her to access the therapeutic support she needs?

He needs to fight on behalf of this poor girl.

I know you think I'm negative. You sound like you really care and want to help. Him - I'm not so sure. He's had 18 months to get his daughter living with him, and he hasn't.

DotForShort · 14/10/2016 22:11

I would say the last person she needs right now is her mother. This poor girl. The fact that she is excelling at school shows she is an amazing child. Under the circumstances, it wouldn't be at all surprising for her to fall apart completely. Being 13 is hard enough for anyone. To cope with all these changes, disruptions, and the lack of involvement of both her parents has given her so much to cope with in addition to the typical early-teen stresses. Much more than she should have to cope with, frankly.

EveOnline2016 · 14/10/2016 22:17

My dh has a child from a previous relationship we haven't seen her for years and years despite a court order and thousands of pound of debt to a solicitor.

It's never black and white.

AnthonyPandy · 14/10/2016 22:33

despite a court order and thousands of pound of debt to a solicitor.

This shows dedication to do the right thing. It's clearly not gone well but in future years he/you will be able to look that child in the eye and say 'we tried our very very best'. Not all fathers can say that though.

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