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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP unbearably rude; should I cancel tomorrows trip?

72 replies

justforthisonce · 14/10/2016 08:08

I have offered to take dp out tomorrow for a date/day out.

I tried to book tickets this morning and requested a good time from DP. I was met with a whole barrel of "I don't care" and "Im getting ready for work" and "whatever"

I feel totally deflated. Money is very tight for us this month and I've been saving to buy these ticket as we both knew.

I feel like cancelling and keeping the money with such little un enthusiam. WIBU to do this or is this creating a bigger drama?

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 14/10/2016 09:22

Exactly, she is trying to blame her bad behaviour on you, being your fault. I personally would ripherone talk to her when you get home.

ZuleikaDobson · 14/10/2016 09:23

Since writing this I have received three horrible texts from dp saying my behaviour this morning was off-i was a bit cold and how dp deserves an apology.

Ask how how "I don't care" and "whatever" constituted warm and loving behaviour on her part.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/10/2016 09:23

Take a friend or go by yourself, she does not deserve them!

TheWitTank · 14/10/2016 09:28

Just cancel. Text back (don't apologise) and say you are clearly not interested in going, no problem, won't arrange anything. Or just don't respond at all. Reading your update, her messages are very off. Is this typical behaviour?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 14/10/2016 09:31

What did you say, exactly?

"Requesting a good time" sounds a lot like it could be telling someone off over breakfast. It sounds like a warning you'd give a teenager to behave and not let you down. Combined with it being early and before work, with most people feeling rushed and very few people liking mornings, then they may well have felt that this wasn't really a treat for them.

If DP told me he'd take me to a show if I behaved myself and gave him a good time, I may well not be filled with excitement.

toptoe · 14/10/2016 09:32

What to do from here though....my advice is that with a person with control issues you will never ever win. Whatever you do or say will be turned around and used against you. You get sucked in to the sinking mud of their control issues. So at dinner, you say you like to eat together her response will be to oppose that. You want to go out somewhere nice and plan something her response will be to oppose that. You get upset. Her response is to tell you you're the one who is in the wrong.

She probably genuinely feels like you are trying to control or manipulate her - ime people with this issue have a deep distrust of others and think that other people spend much of their time trying to be in control of others. So it freaks her out and she spends her time rebelling against what she perceives as control. This can be with things that are nice and giving (like compliments/gifts/dates) or when you are disagreeing.

If you want to persevere then you need to speak to her about how you can't win and she always sees you as controlling. But she will have to be able to see it herself that there is a problem, otherwise she won't change. My experience is that she is likely to see any honest talk as more controlling behaviour and you will be back into an argument of who is being mean to who.

Otherwise, you can put up with it.

Or you can extricate yourself from the relationship as it isn't healthy in it's current form.

Babblehag · 14/10/2016 09:35

sorry, op *she. Did not mean to gender generalise there at all.

HamsterTastic · 14/10/2016 09:36

She asked her when would be a good time to go for her.

Not 'give us a good time baby'

HamsterTastic · 14/10/2016 09:37

As in, would 4pm or 5 pm be best for you? Which is a good time.

toptoe · 14/10/2016 09:38

You could try something else - take a step back and let her take the reins and see what happens. So don't eat at the table. Organise a day out and ask her if she wants to come. If she doesn't, ok. Let her take the lead in what she does and when, rather than setting expectations. Maybe it is that you are both bringing expectations to the relationship that don't currently work together. You have an idea of how things 'should be' and she hates the feeling of any sort of control. So you can tell her you don't want to control her in any way and she can accept your need for routine in what you do.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 14/10/2016 09:38

As you are his wife I think anytime you speak to him should be greeted with respect and manners tbh!! No fucking excuse!!
Invite a friend out to lunch and tell him to get stuffed.

charlestonchaplin · 14/10/2016 09:39

What strange interpretations people come up with.

Dontpanicpyke · 14/10/2016 09:44

Whose the 'they?'

Am a bit confused to be honest you both sound incompatible and critical of each other.

sounds grim.

bearhug · 14/10/2016 09:53

oh I don't know. If someone wanted to take me out for a treat, I wouldn't want to make all the decisions about it. That is part of the treat, not having to decide on what, where, what time, how to get there. Otherwise I might as well organise it myself.

ArialAnna · 14/10/2016 10:16

Agree with others here that you may have caught him at a bad time. It's possible he might have also been a bit stressed or worried by something coming up at work that day. Try asking him later on, when he's had a decent chance to chill out a bit after work. If he still seems unexcited or unkeen, ask him why. Explain you felt a bit deflated by his reaction after you've made the effort to save the money.

Also, is it the type of show he'd normally be keen to see? Or is it really the type of show you're more into? If it's the latter I'd expect him to be looking forward to spending time going on a date with you, but not necessarily super excited about the show itself, so you might need to manage your expectations if that's the case.

The dinner table thing rather sounds odd though, and I agree with you that it seems a little rude! And if you have kids (you don't say either way) it's not a good example to set them, as if they think that's normal behaviour and do that themselves, other people will think them rude.

ArialAnna · 14/10/2016 10:34

Sorry, didn't read the following page! I think you both need to take a step back, calm down and discuss this. Either wait till she's home or ring her if it can't wait. She may not have realised just how dismissive she was this morning, and now has reacted badly to your (not surprisingly) cold shoulder following it. If you start arguing over SMS or passive-aggressively ignore her, this could blow up into a big row completely unnecessarily. I'd start by going back to the beginning and saying that you felt disappointed and confused this morning that she no longer seemed keen to see the show after all your saving up. Try and keep the conversation on the lines of 'I felt when you said' rather that 'you are/were'. If that doesn't work and you can't resolve it, then she might just be an unreasonable cow, but at least you've tried to solve it in an understanding way.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/10/2016 11:23

So call your DP out on it.
Tell DP you were offended as there was no interest shown in what you were planning as 'nice thing' for the 2 of you.
Maybe have a chat about it all later.
I wouldn't book anything for now though until you clear the air.

Original poster

justforthisonce · 14/10/2016 14:57

so the update is that i have been text again to be told that she should be able to bring things up with me.

I do not think or agree that text is a mature or good form.

I have spent most of the afternoon crying. I think what toptoe said about her having control issues is spot on.
Everything I do is met with opposition. The slightest thing I am reprimanded.
There is a lot of good but I feel like im walking on egg shells a lot waiting for the next critisism,

I am dreading her coming back tonight

OP posts:

diddl · 14/10/2016 15:07

You should both be able to bring things up with each other.

Even if she doesn't think she did wrong she should care that it upset you.

It's not a battle of who was right & who wasn't.

Keep bombarding you with texts that she knows(?) will upset you is horrible.

"There is a lot of good but I feel like im walking on egg shells a lot waiting for the next critisism,"

Is any good in a relationship worth that?

AalyaSecura · 14/10/2016 15:08

The fact that she is bringing this up by text tells you what she expects - that you (immediately) text back and apologise, not that you discuss it from both perspectives, listen to each other. That's what she means by 'bringing things up with you'.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/10/2016 15:11

Walking on egg-shells usually = Abusive partner
Do you want this for the foreseeable future?
It doesn't sound like a good relationship.
If she is always criticising you then your self esteem will be hit time and time again.
This is NOT a good relationship.

Benedikte2 · 14/10/2016 15:45

Try to talk this through but don't arrange the outing. Save what you can for when you will need it. You must realise now that it's not a matter of "if" but "when" your relationship ends.
Are you in paid employment? Is she the major earner and resenting it. Has she always been like this?
So sorry you're going through this -- really heartbreaking when you are trying to keep everyone happy and nothing seems good enough. Even when you try to explain your situation and think you're getting through then the controlling one will usually change the playing field and you've got no where. If you vent your frustration you are made to feel in the wrong. Ideal same sex relationships are blissfully equal but others are just as unequal as het ones.
Look after yourself and goodluck

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