Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP unbearably rude; should I cancel tomorrows trip?

72 replies

justforthisonce · 14/10/2016 08:08

I have offered to take dp out tomorrow for a date/day out.

I tried to book tickets this morning and requested a good time from DP. I was met with a whole barrel of "I don't care" and "Im getting ready for work" and "whatever"

I feel totally deflated. Money is very tight for us this month and I've been saving to buy these ticket as we both knew.

I feel like cancelling and keeping the money with such little un enthusiam. WIBU to do this or is this creating a bigger drama?

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 14/10/2016 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AyeAmarok · 14/10/2016 08:48

Maybe she's not that interested in the event, or the relationship anymore?

sonjadog · 14/10/2016 08:48

The meal thing would actually depend on a number of factors for me. If I were really busy and wanted to get on with stuff and someone expected me to sit there while they chatted and dawdled, and that happened all the time, then I would probably react like your DP.

It is impossible to say what is the case in your home, you really need to talk to your DP about it. But be careful that "really rude" doesn´t equal not reacting and behaving exactly as you think he should. These two episodes could also be interpreted that way just from what you have written here.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/10/2016 08:48

He is not in a mood to be treated so save your money. Hope you can get to the bottom of this but if he's already leaving the table before you have finished, (who prepares the meals?), he is already distancing himself and switching off, isn't he.

APlaceOnTheCouch · 14/10/2016 08:49

Take someone else with you if you think his 'don't care' means that he doesn't care about going at all.
If you're clashing on manners and he knows that manners are important to you (and if he manages to be mannerly to everyone else but you eg work, friends) then I'd think it was fine to enjoy the show with someone else who would share your excitement.

SEsofty · 14/10/2016 08:49

Sounds like a conversation with your child, not your partner

kali110 · 14/10/2016 08:51

You sound rather different op.
My parents were very hot on manners but leaving i wouldn't say he's committed huge manner sins.
He's trying to get ready for work, i wouldn't want someone asking me what time, where etc for an event right before i have work.
Leaving before others have finished eating, as an adult i just don't see this as a huge thing.

kali110 · 14/10/2016 08:52

SEsofty yes! That's what i was thinking. I'm too tired.

toptoe · 14/10/2016 08:55

They don't want to go for whatever reason. It's their way of saying they aren't really interested. Also you shouldn't tell an adult when they should leave the table. They are trying to tell you something in a passive way.

HermioneJeanGranger · 14/10/2016 09:01

The table thing is a bit rude, but it does depend on circumstances. I wouldn't want to sit at the table for 45 minutes each evening just because other people fancied a chat over cold mashed potatoes, for example. But if you want them to sit and have dinner as a couple/family, then that's fair enough and buggering off after 10 minutes is a bit off.

But the tickets thing - is DP much of a planner? As in, was it necessary to pre-book or could you have just seen what you felt like in the morning? My OH is a huge forward planner and I'm just not - unless I have to book in advance to get seats, I would rather see how I feel on the day. He's forever saying "Do you want to go to X in two weeks" and I'm like...well, I don't know what I'll feel like doing in two weeks!

Surely it can just be decided tomorrow?

toptoe · 14/10/2016 09:03

Not that I advocate passive aggression - it is destructive. Both of you need to communicate what you want in a fair way and if it doesn't match or you both can't be fairly flexible for eachother (not one bending to the others' needs or dominating what happens) then it might be time to reassess the point of your partnership.

ScaredFuture99 · 14/10/2016 09:10

The table thing IS rude. I would really have an issue with that.

The issue with booking the tickets, I think it depends if he is normally struggliung to wake up in the am. My dad would be like this. There is no way you can ask him anything in the am like this. It has always been lke this. You need to leace an hour or so to 'wake up' (and it usually was taking him to the point where he was going through the door to go to work).
If he doesnt any major issue waking up. then yes I think it was rude. I would imagine that it was something you bhad talked about before too or was a total surprise for him then?

ScaredFuture99 · 14/10/2016 09:11

I do agree that it sioudned very much like a passive agressive way to say he didnt like the idea and couldnt be bothered.

Olympiathequeen · 14/10/2016 09:12

It depends on why he reacted that way and this is something you need to ask him about.

When you accuse him of being bad mannered and he accuses you of being controlling, there is clearly a diversion in styles.

To criticise a grown man for his manners can come across as controlling and patronising and may have provoked in him to actually be more of what you find unsatisfying.

SleepFreeZone · 14/10/2016 09:13

Fuck that. Why would you want to spend money on a day out with him? 😁

Original poster
justforthisonce · 14/10/2016 09:14

We have talked about it and planned it quite a lot.

My dp is a woman as am i -I have not mentioned this so far as i think gender gauges resonses!

Since writing this I have received three horrible texts from dp saying my behaviour this morning was off-i was a bit cold and how dp deserves an apology.

:( Dp is mid thirties btw.

I am early thirties with a child from previous marriage to EXH

OP posts:
Ragwort · 14/10/2016 09:15

I think having the same 'attitude' to manners and basic courtesy is very important - I would find it very rude if someone left the table before I had finished eating - that might not matter to some people but what is important is that you both share the same view.

I would think long and hard about your relationship.

klassy · 14/10/2016 09:17

Bet I'm going to get flamed here, but I think the posts here smack a little bit of "telling off" the partner. The way you're cross about their manners feels really controlling - but I admit I might be projecting.

This was a classic tactic of my mum - timing things in a way she knew (or should have known) would start quarrels, and then cancelling the "treat" and acting like a martyr for weeks.

Not saying that's what you're doing here OP as you're probably a very differ person, but just saying that it doesn't automatically equal "shit partner". Either way, I wouldn't sulk at them or cancel. I'd talk later and find out more, and if money's tight, I'd find out what would really be the best mutual use of it.

HermioneJeanGranger · 14/10/2016 09:18

She sounds thoroughly unpleasant from your update, tbh.

Why are you with her?

Aeroflotgirl · 14/10/2016 09:18

Right AF you think op should ditch just because her dh was caught at a bad time, aren't people allowed to have their off days Hmm

Aeroflotgirl · 14/10/2016 09:20

Oh gosh just read your update, she does not sound nice at all, are their other issues, or is this a one off?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 14/10/2016 09:20

Can I be blunt? She pissed on your chips about the day out tomorrow and is now trying to re-frame her bad behaviour by making it your fault and getting you to apologise. There are little teeny red flags waving everywhere.
Find someone else to go with tomorrow.
Don't apologise for being disappointed at her lack of enthusiasm. Your emotions are just as valid as your DP's.

klassy · 14/10/2016 09:21

Ah - X post, sorry, typing on slow iPad. I see you've already talked about it lots.

If you went a bit sulky afterwards you might have been inadvertently "cold", or alternatively your partner might be a nightmare.

If it's the latter, why are you together? What's the general setup like - are you usually happy or this a bad week?

toptoe · 14/10/2016 09:21

They sound like hard work then op. It sounds like they have control issues. Like they think you think you're in control but they want to show you in various ways that they are really in control.

In actual fact a healthy relationship has both partners flexibly sharing and adjusting to each other and neither being 'in control'.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 14/10/2016 09:22

Having seen the latest update, I've changed my opinion. Cancel. Don't bother. Don't apologise either. You didn't do anything wrong.

I would also have to ask, why are you with her? She doesn't sound particularly nice to be honest.