AIBU to only want my parents to stay when I have my baby?

[Littleworm23]

Hi everyone, I'm new here but I would really appreciate your views on my situation. I am currently 29+3 with my first baby, due on Xmas eve. I've recently moved from the UK to the US (3 year secondment for my husband's job) so to have any family here to help after baby arrives needs pre-arranging. The other wives here are lovely but I don't have any close friends yet so support is limited. My MIL and SIL originally wanted to come to stay for 2 weeks from about 16th Dec but I said no - I'm likely to have an elective section about that date (if baby not already here of course!) and, much as I like my in laws, they would be high maintenance guests (eg fussy with food, dependent on me or my husband to take them anywhere), plus I really wouldn't feel comfortable being stressed and emotional, and feeding baby around them. This was all fine before we left home and we just said nobody would be coming at Xmas. However, now reality has hit home, I've decided I would really like my mum here to help me. She is coming the week before my due date for 2 weeks. This would leave my dad on his own, so he's also coming for Xmas/New Year week.

The problem is that my husband is now annoyed and upset with me for what he sees as a slight against his family. I feel it's just unfortunate in a way that baby is due at Xmas as it's a particularly emotive time but I can't do much about that! I definitely couldn't cope with 4 guests and a new baby so I really don't know what to do. It doesn't help that my MIL works in a school and won't come at Feb half term for various reasons so she won't see her first grandchild until Easter, whereas my mum doesn't work and has a lot more disposable income so will be coming over for 5-7 days every couple of months, meaning the visiting is already biased in my mum's favour - again this is just how things are and we have offered to help with MIL's travel costs at other times. Any advice very welcome! Thanks in advance xx

Thanks everyone. I've been speaking to my DH again this evening to explain again that my mum's coming primarily for me and that I really don't want an audience if I'm leaking from multiple orifices! We've also discussed that, although my dad will be here for a week or so too, he's planning to drive himself off on day trips to get out of the way! The offer of feb half term still stands for the MIL (even though she'll prob choose not to take it) and and we'll make sure to facetime her regularly so she feels less left out. Hopefully she'll be understanding, esp having had 2 kids via sections herself xx

Get a maternity nurse to help you and baby post partum, they are very popular in US. I live abroad with both sets of GPs in UK. DHs parents visit often even though it's very far away and not English speaking. My DPs won't visit as they don't think the fact that their only DGS doesn't know them is an issue . Worry about yourself and forget about your MIL etc.

Stressful situation.

Is your MIL the understanding type? Could you call her yourself and say openly that you feel bad and awkward about how all this has panned out, it was never your intention, you never expected to feel so alone in your new city and that as the birth approaches you really are feeling like you need your mum (YOU need YOUR mum) there? Has SIL had any kids?

If you can have this sort of conversation I would use the opportunity to express your regret that she won't be able to see the baby as a newborn, that you'll feel her absence from the baby's life and that you'll be doing what you can to bring the baby over to her ASAP. (You'll probably not want to travel until the kid has had its shots, normally around the 2.5/3mo mark, by when you'll have to have a passport lined up ). Ask to stay with her and FIL maybe? And of course say she's welcome whenever before half term if she wants (and encourage her to see that a week is long enough: I'm assuming she's under retirement age obvs and you're east coast?).

You should start off as you mean to continue. This is be sort of thing that can set the tone of a relationship for years (and years and years and years......).

We also live overseas, with my first DC, we wanted the first couple of weeks to ourselves, which was lovely (DH on paternity), then when he went back to work my Mum came to visit and stayed another two weeks. Then when DD1 was about 5/6 weeks my MIL came. This spaced the visitors out nicely.