AIBU to only want my parents to stay when I have my baby?

[Littleworm23]

Hi everyone, I'm new here but I would really appreciate your views on my situation. I am currently 29+3 with my first baby, due on Xmas eve. I've recently moved from the UK to the US (3 year secondment for my husband's job) so to have any family here to help after baby arrives needs pre-arranging. The other wives here are lovely but I don't have any close friends yet so support is limited. My MIL and SIL originally wanted to come to stay for 2 weeks from about 16th Dec but I said no - I'm likely to have an elective section about that date (if baby not already here of course!) and, much as I like my in laws, they would be high maintenance guests (eg fussy with food, dependent on me or my husband to take them anywhere), plus I really wouldn't feel comfortable being stressed and emotional, and feeding baby around them. This was all fine before we left home and we just said nobody would be coming at Xmas. However, now reality has hit home, I've decided I would really like my mum here to help me. She is coming the week before my due date for 2 weeks. This would leave my dad on his own, so he's also coming for Xmas/New Year week.

The problem is that my husband is now annoyed and upset with me for what he sees as a slight against his family. I feel it's just unfortunate in a way that baby is due at Xmas as it's a particularly emotive time but I can't do much about that! I definitely couldn't cope with 4 guests and a new baby so I really don't know what to do. It doesn't help that my MIL works in a school and won't come at Feb half term for various reasons so she won't see her first grandchild until Easter, whereas my mum doesn't work and has a lot more disposable income so will be coming over for 5-7 days every couple of months, meaning the visiting is already biased in my mum's favour - again this is just how things are and we have offered to help with MIL's travel costs at other times. Any advice very welcome! Thanks in advance xx

[oobedobe]

We also live overseas, with my first DC, we wanted the first couple of weeks to ourselves, which was lovely (DH on paternity), then when he went back to work my Mum came to visit and stayed another two weeks. Then when DD1 was about 5/6 weeks my MIL came. This spaced the visitors out nicely.

[FabFiveFreddie]

Stressful situation.

Is your MIL the understanding type? Could you call her yourself and say openly that you feel bad and awkward about how all this has panned out, it was never your intention, you never expected to feel so alone in your new city and that as the birth approaches you really are feeling like you need your mum (YOU need YOUR mum) there? Has SIL had any kids?

If you can have this sort of conversation I would use the opportunity to express your regret that she won't be able to see the baby as a newborn, that you'll feel her absence from the baby's life and that you'll be doing what you can to bring the baby over to her ASAP. (You'll probably not want to travel until the kid has had its shots, normally around the 2.5/3mo mark, by when you'll have to have a passport lined up ). Ask to stay with her and FIL maybe? And of course say she's welcome whenever before half term if she wants (and encourage her to see that a week is long enough: I'm assuming she's under retirement age obvs and you're east coast?).

You should start off as you mean to continue. This is be sort of thing that can set the tone of a relationship for years (and years and years and years......).

[Hirosleaftunnel]

Get a maternity nurse to help you and baby post partum, they are very popular in US. I live abroad with both sets of GPs in UK. DHs parents visit often even though it's very far away and not English speaking. My DPs won't visit as they don't think the fact that their only DGS doesn't know them is an issue . Worry about yourself and forget about your MIL etc.

[Littleworm23]

Thanks everyone. I've been speaking to my DH again this evening to explain again that my mum's coming primarily for me and that I really don't want an audience if I'm leaking from multiple orifices! We've also discussed that, although my dad will be here for a week or so too, he's planning to drive himself off on day trips to get out of the way! The offer of feb half term still stands for the MIL (even though she'll prob choose not to take it) and and we'll make sure to facetime her regularly so she feels less left out. Hopefully she'll be understanding, esp having had 2 kids via sections herself xx

[Dontpanicpyke]

Yes well put

[minipie]

Explain that your mum is there to support you. That's the difference. You are not a vessel for the grandchild and your mum would not be there as a grandparent but as a mother

Yes this is well put. It's not about your mother getting to "visit the baby first". Your mum is not coming to visit the baby, she is coming to look after you, her daughter.

Perhaps you can offset by sending PILs the first pics of the baby once born? So they technically "see" him/her first?

[Dontpanicpyke]

And to the poster who just has boys. If you welcome your dils and offer suppprt, help as needed and a warm welcome trust me you will get on fine.

It should never be a competition

[Dontpanicpyke]

What's this second rate bollocks?

The woman giving birth gets to make the decisions. Mil/mum/best friend whoever you trust the most and who can be relied upon to help and not hinder should be there.

I have 2 dds and 2 dss and one GC and am very involved as dils mother is frankly nasty but my other dil has a great mum. Of course she would choose her over me as she's 'you know her mum.'

I take no pleasure In seeing dil 1 upset by her mum so go
Out of my way to support her but generally I think most women want their mums.

Op just tell your dh how it's going to be and if your mil is a sensible lady she will totally understand. She has a dd herself so she should.

[SandyY2K]

There's a big difference in having your DM and having your MIL over.

My DM was exceedingly helpful when I gave birth. My DH felt paternity leave was time to catch up on DIY, so he could never be as helpful as my DM.

I have 2 sisters are none of our MILS were helpful with babies.

I can see both sides though.

[camena]

All family except my mum were banned from visiting us (we live in a different country to both sides of the family) until several months after the birth because the rest of them make me feel stressed on a good day - I love them but I couldn't face the emotional pressure of having them around when I felt vulnerable.

And it was fine. No one died of unfulfilled grandparenting urges. PIL and my dad understood that I wanted my mum to support me and help me out with a very new and unknown phase of my life, everyone got to meet DD eventually, no one felt "second rate".

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

YANBU. Ultimately you are the one giving birth and I think a woman should have priority in this situation. Life can never be 100% 'fair' so your DH will have to accept that.

I wouldn't have wanted my ILs staying but I would have been fine with my family. Difference is mine would have pitched in whilst ILs wouldn't even make themselves a cup of tea. I wouldn't feel comfortable in ILs either. I felt awkward enough when they knew what happened to me in childbirth, it was very personal. I remember the MW coming to see me and ILs had turned up just before, I had to go upstairs to see her as they just sat there, my family would have made themselves scarce. I found it hugely overwhelming with my first baby and really struggled at first. Support for me would have been fine, fussy, demanding house guests just so everything is equal would not have been.

[Bluebolt]

Your circumstances do make this very complicated that you could never be unreasonable but neither is your DH. My DP was so excited for his family to see his DCs. I imagine he would accept my decision if I was in your shoes, but it would still of been painful for him. Whilst you want your parents there for your support you will still feel very emotional when they interact with your baby and he will see that and that will be hard.

[DrWhy]

Both my mum and in-laws are a flight away, my baby was born just over 3 weeks ago. We said no guests at all in the house while DH was on paternity leave (2 weeks) but they were welcome to visit and stay elsewhere. Then the plan was for my mum to stay and help out once DH was back at work.
The in-laws booked a flight as soon as the baby was born, I gave birth at 9pm, was discharged at 10an and they were at the house at 2pm. They visited for several hours every afternoon, they are lovely people who I have previously got on well with but it nearly caused a major falling out. I couldn't feed with them there, had to sit up in the living room making polite conversation during the only time the baby was sleeping when I needed to sleep, I felt like death, was bleeding heavily, felt dizzy every time I stood and they were telling me a walk would do me good. Sadly just because MIL has had babies doesn't mean she will have any recollection of the aftermath or any empathy. My MIL kept saying how strange it was I was home as in their day she was kept in hospital 5 days, but then following this with her suggestion to get out of the house and go for a walk on day 3! They did nothing to help (except bring cake, which to be fair, was appreciated) and just wanted to cuddle the baby and put it all over Facebook. They actually sat in the car on the drive waiting for the midwife to leave on one occasion until DH told them to bugger off! The midwife had been checking my stitches and discussing what size of clots would necessitate a return to hospital! She then instructed me to go to bed, feed the baby and pretty much only get up to bathe my stitches. I was so relieved when they left.
My mum, sister and her DP turned up on day 10 and that was nearly as bad for 2 days until sis and DP left - my mum then moved in with us when DH went back to work. With just my mum there I could feed with my boobs out and she could offer advice, she did all the washing, cooking and cleaning, a fair number of nappy changes and took herself off to a different room after dinner so DH and I spent time together with the baby - I didn't 'need' her there but it seriously helped through those early days.
My baby is a boy so I will be a MIL one day and I have nothing against my own MIL but as someone said upthread after the birth MIL is there to see her grandchild, your mum is there to look after you. It's a completely different relationship.
In your situation OP I would offer as we did that the in-laws can visit but not stay at the house. Try to put them off until at least a few days after babies arrival and make sure your DH and not you hosts them, insist on visits to the house being short and if necessary go to bed while they are there, don't be sociable. I think banning them completely whilst having your own mum stay is unfair, especially as they can't come much later but equally don't agree to have them stay with you.

[DuckWaddle]

I'm not at all!!!

[Yoarchie]

I don't know why more people don't understand this scenerio, it's so familiar.

The woman who gives birth (however this occurs) will have an injury/injuries. Yes, even if you are the world's luckiest birther you will still have a wound where the placenta came away from the uterus and you will bleed for a couple of weeks. She'll likely be knackered, suffering hormonal changes (pregnancy to breastfeeding), possibly anxious and terrified. It's a known fact that when milk comes in about day 3, you feel really emotional and often anxious.

It's nothing to do with seeing the grandchild, this is a bonus. It's to do with someone looking after you and making things easier for you. Often this involves personal stuff more suited to a mother than a mother in law. Eg I was in a bloody mess after my ds was born, my mother accompanied me into the shower as I was in danger of passing out and she cleaned me up. My MIL would have done it for me, she's a nice lady but it would have been more difficult/embarrassing. I was in a women's ward obv and my dh held the baby - he couldn't have done the shower in a women's hospital.

Anyway. It's unfortunate but your dh needs to realise what the role of the staying visitor is. That visitor must help in many ways, they aren't there for a jolly and they mustn't require anything like lifts/entertaining. This may be overnight help, getting up. That might be making a meal, rather than being an extra mouth to feed.

I struggled badly when my kids were born and was extremely ill when pregnant. My mum cleaned up my sick from the carpet and held me up when I couldn't stand. I did the same for her when she had cancer. It's different to being the MIL.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

DuckWaddle You are assuming other posters haven't been through c sections themselves.

[DuckWaddle]

I'm finding the responses from some of the mil who are comparing about op awful. The op will have undergone major surgery, you go through some of the most undignified experiences post birth, are often semi naked, possibly highly emotional. Would you want your own mil there for an extended period? The fact people can't see that the mother needs to heal tells me how important they are to them. This isn't just about the baby, the mother needs proper, intimate and serious care herself.i agree they could stay nearby so they can visit and that is the best outcome. I wouldn't have wanted my mil witnessing me crawling, bleeding in pain up stairs. Incontinent initially. I'm amazed you wouldn't see why the op would like a bit of time being looked after herself. It's nothing to do with being second rate and, if you're thinking like that, you clearly aren't going to be compassionate to your Dil.

[jacks11]

You don't need two adults looking after you after a CS, want maybe but not need. Your MIL will be very hurt, she may want to support her son and not be seen as second rate.

Perhaps she doesn't need to have 2 people to look after her post CS- but she might want her mother there for support- with being a mum, breast feeding etc. She hasn't got friends close by whom she can lean on, so I can understand why OP would be particularly keen to have her mum.

If OP does need to have her DM there, then why does her Mil need to be there just after she gives birth? It is understandable that she would want to be there though. Given that, can you explain why OPs wants subservient to those of her MIL (especially as it is OP who has given birth to the baby with all that this entails)?

Having 4 guests (one of whom is OPs SIL, so not even a grandparent) with a newborn would be very hard and not fair on OP. If 2 of those guests will want waited on and entertained, it is even less practical.

The grandparent who sees the GC first is not more of a grandparent, nor are they second rate. It's not a competition!

[RoseGoldHippie]

I think in heart of hearts you may be being slightly unreasonable.

HOWEVER I would do the exact same thing. You do not have the same stress with your own family as you would with your DH's. Also they do seem like hard work with the lifts and food etc. If you have just had a bubba it will not be a pleasant experience.

[5madthings]

Not coming til easter is mils choice though, she could come in Feb but doesn't want to. What is op supposed to do ban her mum from visiting because mil hasn't visited. Her mum can visit more often, work logistics mean mil can't come as often is she supposed to not let her mum visit just because mil can't/won't.

My parents visit more often as they just drive over for the day, my mil is same distance but likes to come and stay a few days won't really do day visits so she comes less often bit stays for longer... Swings and roundabouts bit we don't keep tally of who sees the kids and for how long and my parents certainly don't get fussy if mil spends more time with them or the other way round. I can't believe people have relatives that keep tabs in this way fgs.

[LucilleBluth]

Ffor gods sake, I've had three babies and not once have I shit in the bath. Op by all means have your mum, totally understandable but offer the Mil a visit and ask if she would kindly stay in a hotel. Send her an email saying that she's really wanted but your mum and dad will be in the house, then if she says no you have at least given her the option. That's what I would do......and I had my DC3 abroad.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Tbh for me, it would be that your DM is planning to come over so often too.

[milkshakeandmonstermunch]

Also, it doesn't matter what has been agreed previously. You are allowed to have a change of heart. You are allowed to want your mum. Both sets of parents should be welcome to visit but those first few weeks should be about supporting YOUR recovery.

[Cloeycat]

I totally get where you are coming from and don't think it's unreasonable at all. I'm due in March and parents live abroad, OH parents live 4 hours away, I've already said my mum will come to help, she will get a flight when I go into labour to be here when I come home and if his mum wants to come for a short visit fine but absolutely no other family in the first week (or 2 or 3 we'all see!).

To be honest I'm only agreeing to his mum coming down to be polite- and as we have a 1 bed flat she will be staying in a b&b. If it was a case of her having to stay with us or for me to 'host' I would be saying no way.

[5madthings]

Yanbu and as a mum to five boys I would totally understand why my dil post major surgery and feeling delicate, emotional and in pain would want her own mother there and not me!

I was lucky enough to have five easy births for my first five children and mil came first to see ds1. For ds2 she was also first to see him before my parents both times. Then ds3 my dad saw him first ds4 my parents and dd my mum. It varied depending on childcare arrangements and how I felt luckily I was pretty much fine each time and up to seeing my mil and that's party because she is helpful! And kind and understanding so I was on with her being there.

Then I had ds5, nightmare two days of labour, emcs, blood transfusions, epidural wore off during surgery etc. Felt like I had been run over by a bus. My mum came and saw me in hospital but my mil waited a week or two as I was just not up for visitors. And when she did visit it was short, no way could o have coped with house guests in the weeks following my c section.

Hotel is an idea but yanbu to want your mum to help or to want to wait before having extra visitors.