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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed with DH and SIL

54 replies

LillyHelen · 11/10/2016 00:28

My DH's nephew was abroad for a while. He met someone there and decided to get married back home. She would travel with her parents to meet him and his family, where a small engagement ceremony would take place. My SIL arranged a small gathering. She did not invite anyone from her family apart from my husband. The other side were a bigger crowd but DH's nephew was with his parents, brother and uncle (my DH). Well I wasn't invited, neither were SIL's DH's siblings. We were not really told about the gathering properly. SIL and her family travelled to the capital during midweek and my DH was told to travel for the weekend because the girlfriend's uncle wanted to meet him (bizarre!). Anyway one day before the engagement, which took place at the girlfriend's relatives house my husband was asked to prepare for a short speech. I was so upset when he told me that and asked to give him ideas for the speech. I am so annoyed with my SIL for arranging this gathering with my DH and not inviting me. She says she did not know what the GF's family would be like and was not sure that the gathering would happen 100%. Therefore she did not invite anyone other than my DH. She did not even apologise for not inviting me. My DH agrees that she did nothing wrong. He says this was not planned in advance which I find difficult to believe as SIL had bought engagement rings before travelling. I would have wanted to be there and witness my husband making a speech. Our 13 year old daughter was actually in tears when she found out. This was a family event and I think we should have been there as a family. If they didn't want us there then my DH should not have been there either. AIBU?

OP posts:
witsender · 11/10/2016 15:28

Tbh, this all sounds like a massive overreaction. Of course he is an extension of her famuly...he is her family! Why is it rude to invite him without you?

It sounds a bit like this has been foisted on her, and she is trying to figure this all out with a new family etc.

hopelesslycynical · 11/10/2016 15:57

YANBU for feeling upset that your husband was invited to a formal engagement event without you, but YABU to be annoyed with your DH and your reactions to it. You are being very over-dramatic - you were not singled out, your husband was not" taken away" from you, and she does not owe you an apology - she, her son and future DIL cab invite whoever they want. Your husband gave a speech to his nephews future in laws, not opened parliament. The fact that your daughter is also now upset because she did not go makes it clear you are the source of her melodrama. You need to get a grip.

TaterTots · 11/10/2016 16:16

You also haven't gone back to the fact that her husband's siblings were excluded too. How can you have been 'singled out' when other people equally closely related weren't invited either?

Original poster
LillyHelen · 11/10/2016 17:15

Well SIL's husband's sisters were upset too, as I have been told. They asked why my DH was there and they were not. I don't know the explanation given to them. Presumably that it was a very small event and DH's wife was not there either. Can no one see this from my point of view. This is a family event and I am family too. SIL's husband's family were not invited but I cannot imagine them being invited without their husbands. Inviting someone to a family event but without their wife/husband that is not a usual thing. If you want a smaller event you take out the families, you don't divide families. For example uncle George and wife, Aunt Mary and husband etc. If you want to reduce numbers you take out uncle George and wife or Aunt Mary and husband. You don't say I want uncle George but not wife or Aunt Mary but not husband. Does it make sense?

OP posts:
corythatwas · 11/10/2016 17:35

The only thing that doesn't make sense here is your dramatic reaction. Your 13yo (not 3yo) was in tears and you didn't tell her off for being a drama queen. Your dh is invited to a very small gathering where he is the only relative on the future bridegroom's side and you see that as some kind of personal slight. I don't get it... How can she take your dh away from you: you are his wife, but she is his sister (and always will be)- it's a totally different relationship. Are you always such hard work?

Original poster
LillyHelen · 11/10/2016 17:56

How do you know how I handled my daughter? Some of these comments are so strange. I am NOT denying that SIL is my DH's sister and NOT asking that they shouldn't carry on being siblings. How do you come about with these assumptions?

OP posts:
witsender · 11/10/2016 18:00

Because you said she was treating him as an extension of her family, implying that he isn't. When he is her family.

corythatwas · 11/10/2016 18:05

You mentioned your dd being in tears as something you took seriously and something that you thought would strengthen your argument in the eyes of MN. It doesn't.

Original poster
LillyHelen · 11/10/2016 18:08

But he is not part of her immediate family. Immediate family is mum-dad-children. If you want uncle or aunt included then you should bring them in as a family i.e. mum-dad-children. I am not talking about everyday activities. A family event where SIL invites my DH on his own. This would be very rude if it had been an actual invite. However she did not invite either of us directly. She arranged for him to be in London on that day and changed the plan the last minute.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 11/10/2016 18:13

Nope, still not getting the drama - you sound really hard work op

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 11/10/2016 18:17

I think you are making too much of this.

Maybe your SIL misread the situation and didn't want large numbers of family members turning up because she thought that there would only be a couple of people from the other family.

Maybe she felt that the whole family are a bit overwhelming and she didn't really know the GF family well so wasn't sure how they would react.

Maybe she was concerned there would be a problem with the other family given the very short time the DN has known the GF and didn't want to risk any sort of public embarrassment.

Maybe she was being a cowbag

It really isn't worth causing a family feud over this. Don't make her son's engagement about you.

corythatwas · 11/10/2016 18:19

Does it ever occur to you that not everybody knows about your rules, OP? By the sounds of it, this is not a full family event. When my brother got married, he did so at short notice, in a small ceremony to which only our parents were invited. Neither I nor my brothers were in the least offended; the idea would never have occurred to us. It was not a full-on wedding, so rules for full-on weddings did not apply.

SandyY2K · 11/10/2016 18:24

It's a cultural thing. I can see with your SIL that not knowing what the family were like, she didn't want everyone there. I'd rather just be embarrassed in front of my brother if anything went wrong, than in front of him and my SIL.

ScarletForYa · 11/10/2016 18:25

Maybe they were afraid you'd try to make the engagement ceremony about you?

I don't understand why you care so much though?

WallisFrizz · 11/10/2016 18:27

I get it Op, I would think it was rude if DHs family excluded me from a formal event, particularly a celebration. I know they wouldn't though. I also remember being upset when I was a child when some relatives who I was dying to be bridesmaid for eloped.

Fact is though, it's done and it's totally not worth arguing with your Dh or sil about unless it's part of a bigger picture. Time to move on.

Optimist1 · 11/10/2016 18:46

Your poor SIL is probably reaching for the gin as we speak! Her son is about to get engaged and she's tasked with arranging a ceremony which is entirely alien to her. She's taken advice from those in the know about such ceremonies and followed the instructions to the letter. Now she has members of her extended family getting emotional and creating drama. YABU, OP; why not give the poor woman a break. Should she apply the same rules when the wedding takes place then come back and you'll get some MN sympathy.

Toomanydragons · 11/10/2016 18:47

I would be annoyed if my partner was invited to a family event but I wasn't. However this isn't what has happened here.

Other than your husband, no other siblings have been invited.

Perhaps she just wanted something low key? In reference to fiancées uncles and family, perhaps every single one of fiancées extended family was there, but perhaps your SILs future ILs invited them and she had no control over it?

Does she have a close relationship with your brother? Do they spend a lot of time together?

Toomanydragons · 11/10/2016 18:49

I am confused! I thought it was sil getting married! But even if it was her son, same applies.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 11/10/2016 19:00

If you want a smaller event you take out the families, you don't divide families. For example uncle George and wife, Aunt Mary and husband etc. If you want to reduce numbers you take out uncle George and wife or Aunt Mary and husband. You don't say I want uncle George but not wife or Aunt Mary but not husband. Does it make sense?

It makes no sense.

If you have siblings and one of them was getting married and could only invite 5 guests you would expect them to invite you, dh and DD and leave out 2 other siblings? Or for you not to be invited to your siblings wedding because sibling 2 has a family of 4 and they all have to be invited at the expense of the rest

AreWeHumanOrAreWeDancers · 11/10/2016 19:08

Troll????

This whole thing is weird: SIL's clandestine manoeuvres, DH's label of comms, OP's weirdly emotional --attention seeking- response and DD's tears!

As I said. Troll.

GplanAddict · 11/10/2016 19:54

So the bride and groom both Turkish?
Making, your SIL and your DH Turkish?

Are you non Turkish?

The reason I ask is I have a close friend who has a wonderful marriage to a Turkish man yet the cultural differences (family traditions) which very rarely crop up bug her. She never quite feels like she belongs or has a right to a say during family events, even though I think they feel they're very inclusive.

Is this potentially part of the problem? Sorry if I'm way off the mark...

Original poster
LillyHelen · 11/10/2016 20:09

Optimist1 SIL is not alien to this tradition. She knows the etiquette very well.

Toomanydragons you say that you would be upset if your DH was invited to a family event and you weren't. That is my situation here. The fact that there were other relatives i.e. SIL's DH's sisters not invited does not make me feel comforted. They were upset for not being invited too.

Tantroomsandbaloons there is no limit on the number of guests. Obviously this doesn't mean you can invite 100s. However 1 brother (my DH) and wife, 2 sisters and their DH's would make 6 people and nobody would be upset. That is 5 more than already invited.

I am not being hysterical, I am over it now. My DD did shed tears on the day but I comforted her saying we will eventually meet the GF and these things could sometimes happen. She is completely over it. I was upset for not being invited to a family event and I only wanted some comforting comments from MN. I see that it was a mistake to expect some sympathy.

OP posts:
Toomanydragons · 11/10/2016 20:27

What I meant was, I wouldn't feel personally picked on by not being invited, she didn't single you out.

Where is nephews dad? Does nephew see DH as some sort of father figure?

If it was me I personally would just call her and say "hope everything is going ok with the wedding planning, how did the ceremony go? Would love to get a pic of DH doing the speech. Is there anything you need help with?"

She might be grateful for it.

Original poster
LillyHelen · 11/10/2016 21:12

Toomanydragons why are you trying to find excuses for SIL. DH is not a father figure, he is an uncle. Nephew has a good father who is SIL's husband.

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 12/10/2016 08:12

Sorry to have jumped to the conclusion that your SIL was unfamiliar with the etiquette surrounding the engagement ceremony, Lilly . I guess I was trying to find an explanation for the situation that didn't involve an intended social slight!

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