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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my OH is pretending not to know stuff?

127 replies

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/10/2016 14:35

We were outside looking at the night sky and I said 'look, there's the Plough'. To which he replies 'what?' 'You know, constellations?' 'I don't know that that is...'

Looking at something that happened during the civil war. Him 'what's that then?' 'When Oliver Cromwell abolished the monarchy? Roundheads and Cavaliers?' 'Dunno any of that'. 'Didn't you do it at school?' 'I dunno. Probably'.

I no longer know if he does know and doesn't care, or just doesn't know. He seems to have a tiny, tiny field of interest (cars) and anything else it's just a shrug and 'I dunno'. Do you think he might be putting it on to stop me talking?

OP posts:
ChequeOff · 10/10/2016 17:04

I don't doubt it Ma Grin

MaQueen · 10/10/2016 17:05
Grin
Braywatch · 10/10/2016 17:16

I'm a bit on the fence here. I don't think YABU, but could it just be that the stuff you talk about is completely outside his field of interest and he can't be bothered to engage? Not that that is great either, but, for example, DH's parents are from another country so when visiting they naturally have questions, but about a particularly narrow (boring) range of subjects. Genuine questions I have had from them: 'What type of tree is this?' (asked whenever in the vacinity of a tree), 'What type of fences do people usually have?', 'What does this triangular symbol on the road signs mean?' and 'Who is responsible for maintaining the boundaries of the fields?' To which my answer is, invariably, 'I don't know'. No doubt they think me a complete dulled, but it just wouldn't occur to me to be interested in this stuff, let alone know the answers. Maybe he is the same about your chosen topics?

Ultimately if you can't ever have a decent conversation with him though, perhaps you need to rethink your relationship.

Monsterpage · 10/10/2016 18:40

Treaclesoda - I hadn't heard of the Eleanor cross (even though travelled in and out of Charing Cross every day for over 15 years!!) thanks for sharing I've learnt something today. :)

MaQueen · 10/10/2016 19:00

I live very near a castle which has an enormous fireplace, which you could roast an elephant in. Apparently, Edward I had it enlarged for Eleanor when they stayed there, because she really hated the cold (she was from Castile).

Philoslothy · 10/10/2016 19:01

I have a strong regional accent and my family background means that at various times in my life various people have assumed that I am not very bright. I have been amused as they try to act superior to me and therefore I sometimes pretend not to know stuff that I do.

It is childish but patronising snobs do my head in.

BowieFan · 10/10/2016 19:07

Philoslothy

My SIL does that. She has blonde hair and people assume she's thick. So when a guy "mansplains" something to her she just plays dumb until they finally get to a really basic level of trying to explain something to her, making themselves look stupid. She has a doctorate, so she's probably more intelligent than them! It always makes me laugh.

Shallishanti · 10/10/2016 19:19

YANBU, OP and that would drive me mad
a deal breaker, in fact
even worse if he's just pretending to shut you up

MaQueen · 10/10/2016 19:26

shalli did you know that shanti shanti shanti are the last 3 words of Eliot's The Wasteland?

JosephineMaynard · 10/10/2016 19:28

It's not the gaps in general knowledge that would bother me as much as the lack of interest.

I know lots of stuff DH doesn't, and vice versa, but DH will generally engage in conversation and ask questions if I start talking about something he doesn't know about. And I now know far more about DHs niche interests than I ever thought possible.

But, ultimately, if you can't find some sort of common ground to talk about, so much so that you can't hold a conversation, I'd be wondering how compatible you really are.

teafortoads · 10/10/2016 20:04

If you would like to keep him OP, Thw Works currently do a series of books called something along the lines of 'All the stuff you have probably forgotten from school,' (but a bit snappier than that!), science, general knowledge etc. They are about £4 each and might be worth investing in and leaving by the loo ;)

Original poster
Zaphodsotherhead · 11/10/2016 11:47

Sorry about the absence, was on a late shift...

No we have no children and we don't live together. He's early fifties, but I suspect dossed off most of school to hang round local garages, which is why he doesn't know things. He rarely reads books, if he does they are biographies of 80's personalities. He can remember the number plate of every car he's ever owned, but he doesn't know (or pretends not to know) anything about anything else. F'example, he went to see the film The Kings Speech and thought it was fiction. He thought Lord of the Rings was a film about a jewellery heist...

Sometimes it's funny, but I'm reaching the stage (we've known each other for five years) where I am having to watch what I say (and dumb down what I say). We practically have no conversations. I was wondering if I was being unreasonable to be impatient about it, but I think it's becoming increasingly obvious that we have nothing at all in common.

Oh dear. But there are other flags too, and I think i need to call it a day.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zaphodsotherhead · 11/10/2016 12:03

Can I just add that I agree with the posters who've said it shows a lack of intellectual curiosity. He's not interested, he doesn't see why anybody should be interested, it's just 'boring stuff'. I just wish he'd say 'sounds interesting, tell me more', or hit Google or something. He seems to be of the opinion that, if it happened a long time ago or if it doesn't relate directly to him, it's pointless 'brain shit' (yes he does say that).

OP posts:
DiscoMike · 11/10/2016 12:24

You know the scene in Inside Out where they delete a whole bunch of memory balls? I think that's how my mind works.

Your DP does not sound much like a keeper.

alphabook · 11/10/2016 12:34

If he has a low level of education and intellectual curiosity and you don't, then you're just not compatible. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone where we couldn't talk about current events/politics etc but plenty of people aren't interested in that.

Shallishanti · 11/10/2016 12:42

MaQueen I did not know that!
being intellectually curious/nosy I will look that up now- but I think it's very long isn't it?
my name actually is short for 'shall I, shan't I?' dating to a time when I was in a quandry

BowieFan · 11/10/2016 12:56

Yes, I agree with other posters. I don't think it's the lack of knowledge, it's the lack of any interest in even finding out the things he didn't know when you explain to them.

My DP doesn't know some things but he's generally interested when I tell him and he does seem to retain the info.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/10/2016 13:43

Op that doesn't sound good to be honest.

Fwiw I wouldn't want to be with someone who couldn't chat all kinds of shot with me.

rememberpurpleronnie · 11/10/2016 13:47

I think it depends on your education- as someone well educated, I couldn't tell you the first thing about the civil war, or anything in history for that matter, as I chose to do geography at school instead!

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 11/10/2016 13:59

I study Latin and Classical Greek for fun but until relatively recently I had no idea about a particular basic bodily function. Doesn't make me thick, just interested in some things more than others.

Original poster
Zaphodsotherhead · 11/10/2016 14:27

I don't know that it's necessarily education related - I wasn't overly interested in lots of stuff at school, but I read (a lot) and investigate stuff if I think it sounds interesting (etymology, history, archaeology, architecture, anything that catches my fancy). It's not that I learned it at school but more that I've picked it up through life.
He's not interested. There are a lot of other things wrong in our relationship too (no intimacy, his slightly peculiar attitudes to things etc), and I think the writing is on the wall. Watch this space when I ask for advice on how to end it...

OP posts:
MaQueen · 11/10/2016 18:47

shalli yes, it's a long poem but it is fantastically good.

In the poem shanti means peace Smile

Bountybarsyuk · 11/10/2016 19:07

He not only sounds really quite dull and not-curious about the world, it also shuts down any conversation with his 'never heard of it' type attitude. It wouldn't be for me, because intellectual compatibility and interest in absolutely everything, from politics to great TV shows to what our friends/neighbours are up to is up for discussion in our house. I think if there's a gap there, it gets tiresome unless there's something else to make up for it.

CockacidalManiac · 11/10/2016 19:10

I can't be doing with people without any intellectual curiosity.

sonjadog · 11/10/2016 20:46

I once met someone who didn´t know which country Hitler was leader of and thought Germany won WW2. She seemed like a pleasant, average sort of person. I was a bit stunned that she could not know those things though. They seem to be like the kind of things everyone should know. I guess she just had no interest at all in anything outside her daily life.