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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DS 13, social medias & blocking me...

80 replies

Mysecretgarden · 09/10/2016 18:23

My DS is 13 and spends more and more time on social media.
Recently I noticed and inappropriate post on his fb (porn) that a friend had posted on his wall.
I told him that it was not acceptable and to ask the friend not to post such things. Apparently it was a virus that did it.
But I have just noticed that he since has removed and blocked me from Facebook. I find it quite upsetting.
I have not been monitoring his use of social media closely. I do not snoop on his phone. This is however not helping to restore my trust.
AIBU to ask him to re-instate me as a friend?

OP posts:

pointythings · 09/10/2016 20:23

I am friends with my DDs on their social media, but that is by their choice. Some of their friends have sent me friend requests too - they are a lovely bunch. It may be because DH and I are relaxed about people being gay (DD2 is bi) and some of the DDs' friends have parents who are not so accepting. I do still check on what they do though, and they know it.

It's a difficult line to walk.

myownprivateidaho · 09/10/2016 20:31

I think it feels a bit intrusive to monitor a teenager's social media, honestly. I think the best thing is to give them the confidence, knowledge, security etc to resist/report abuse. I agree with others that you can't be around 100% of the time to prevent a predatory adult approaching them. I kind of doubt checking their fb occasionally in itself makes much difference to vulnerability levels. Better to just make sure they understand that they can say no, that people might try to take advantage of them, that they should never go somewhere without someone knowing where they are, that photographs can be shared and used against them, etc....

BowieFan · 09/10/2016 20:34

FrancisCrawford

Difference is, as an adult it's OK to have your parents on FB. As a teenager, it is social suicide. It's always been the case that to be seen with your parents is an absolute no-no.

I finished my teens nearly 20 years ago and when I was 14 I got my dad to drop me off around the corner from school so that people didn't see me with him. It's always been like that. Plus, it gave me time to put on make up and untuck my shirt and pull my skirt up. Point is, you have no idea what goes on, even if you think you do.

As an aside... so what if a friend posted "absolute filth" on your daughter's facebook? Isn't it up to your daughter to decide if she liked that or not? All friends do embarrassing things. When I was a teenager, the popular one was to make kissing noises behind you when you were on the phone to your mum.

You just seem far too overprotective to me. Feel sorry for your daughter.

BowieFan · 09/10/2016 20:38

myownprivateidaho

Agree with you there. DS1 and DS2 are well aware of the dangers and the fact they can say "no" and report abuse. Looking at their facebook now and then won't change anything.

Like I said, in my experience, the teenagers with the most rules tend to be the ones who go off the rails as soon as they're put in an environment where they can do what they want (like University).

My DCs don't go out drinking, always do their work and are generally great kids. Why? Because I trust them to not do stupid and reckless things. DC1 has been drunk precisely once and it was only two weeks ago (he'll be 15 next week). We let him go to a house party and, as kids do, he got a bit tipsy. Did we shout at him when I was having to hold his head over the toilet that night? No. Because he learned on Sunday what a hangover is, and that was punishment enough for him.

FrancisCrawford · 09/10/2016 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BowieFan · 09/10/2016 21:03

Yes but what I was saying is of course she's OK with it now but despite what she said at the time I can guarantee you she wasn't happy about it.

Maybe you just had a group of teens that weren't bothered but I'm a teacher and I know what is considered to be social suicide, and having your parents on facebook would be top of that list.

FrancisCrawford · 09/10/2016 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FrancisCrawford · 09/10/2016 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewStartNewName · 09/10/2016 21:32

I have both my sons on my FB, as do all their friends/parents. I also check all their devices and have the settings done so that they can't delete browser history. They follow my rules or they loose their devices - they are a privilege not a right.

myownprivateidaho · 09/10/2016 21:42

But franciscrawford, while I'm sure that was a very upsetting incident for your DD, I don't really see how your being friends with her on FB helped the situation? What she needed from you was support at the trauma and help with how to navigate the situation, and it's fantastic that you were able to provide that, but being friends with her on FB didn't achieve that.

BowieFan · 09/10/2016 21:49

My sons aren't embarrassed by me at all. They're just teenagers. They've actually offered to be my friend on facebook if I want to, but I've said "No, I trust you enough and I realise it may not be the best thing in the world for you."

As someone else said, what use was you being her friend on facebook in that situation? Your daughter would have found out and removed the post herself. You might have found it disgusting, but it sounds like a joke to me. Your daughter might not have liked it but if she had someone as overprotective as you, I can see why she'd be upset by it.

You could have dealt with the situation without FB being involved. All you did was notify her seconds before she would have found out for herself. I think it's quite sad actually that you were sat monitoring her profile waiting for something to happen. Do you not have other things to be doing?

As I said, I love my kids. I trust them. I was a teenager myself and I spend most of my week with them. I know that 90% of them would find having their parents on facebook very embarrassing.

BowieFan · 09/10/2016 21:54

Bloody hell, either I'm a bad parent or a lot of people are being overprotective. My lads are 14 and have been on social media since they started high school. Not once have I ever even thought of asking for their passwords and wouldn't look at their accounts on a regular basis even if I did have them. I also let them have TVs in their room and they both have computers with unregulated internet access! Why? Because they're good kids. Good kids don't need so many rules and regulations. Every kid is different and I know my kids better than anyone. I let them live their lives, for the most part. They have enough bloody rules at school.

I think if anyone should be an overprotective parent, it should be me. We weren't able to conceive naturally and adopting our lads was the best thing to ever happen to us and I'm thankful for them every single day of their lives. If anyone had reason to wrap their kids in cotton wool, it would be us. And yet, we don't. We respect them, they respect us. They're never in trouble, they are doing brilliantly at school and are lovely kids.

BabyGanoush · 09/10/2016 22:10

Why not put parental controls on to ban the worst stuff though?

I trust my kids (But I am also sure they will one day look for sex/porn as most kids are at the very least curious!), and I also remember what I was like as a kid

It's all a balancing act really, isn't it!

NewStartNewName · 09/10/2016 22:11

Bowie you should monitor their internet usage! You should check in on their stuff. I don't do it behind their backs, I ask them for their device and ask them if I'm going to find anything on it that I won't like.

My kids are good, get good grades at school blah blah blah - but at the end of the day they are teenage boys, not adults

Pollyanna9 · 09/10/2016 22:13

Yep, I don't monitor, I don't have access, I don't prevent access to devices at night or anything like that.

My DDs been through a living hell with her 'friends' this year and checking her FB, Snapchat, Instagram wouldn't have helped at all. When she got some nasty IMs she screen shotted them and sent them to me herself, straight away. She knows right and wrong, proper and improper, and asked for help when she needed it (not that there's any guarantee she would always do do, but she did on that occasion).

I couldn't keep up with constantly checking - I'd be at it all night! And they have to navigate and sort these problems out themselves. I wouldn't dream of sharing a FB account with my DD and her friends I really wouldn't. I'd be so stressed out at every mini drama playing out, it would actually make me ill.

NewStartNewName · 09/10/2016 22:18

Polly it's not about constant checking, I only do it every so often. We have rules and I expect them to be followed, if I find they're not then there are consequences. As they get older I will check less.

FrancisCrawford · 09/10/2016 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jinglebellsandv0dka · 09/10/2016 22:33

You don't have to constantly check. You just need to be able to quickly see they are ok and nothing untoward said going on for their protection.

The internet is such a vast unedited place and some times too much for young people to use responsibly.

FrancisCrawford · 09/10/2016 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewStartNewName · 09/10/2016 22:45

My kids even have their GPs on their accounts - all through their own choice.

BowieFan · 09/10/2016 22:51

FrancisCrawford

It's really not like you're making out, is it though? It's quite obviously a joke. Her friend didn't make an account to impersonate your DD and deceive people. She just had a joke and posted using your DD's account. It's happened to us all. You're making out like this was some kind of assault, it's hilarious.

BowieFan · 09/10/2016 22:55

NewStartNewName

Yes, they're teenage boys. And I don't doubt that they sometimes look at things that I'd be shocked by. But that's what teenage boys do, and frankly I'd rather they have access like that than be dropped into it all at once when they go to uni at the age of 18.

As an aside, we did have parental controls until they were about 11. We took them off because we felt they were old enough (and because when they were researching things like the massacres in Vietnam for history, they were getting caught up in the filter because they were quite graphic). Well, that and it annoyed DP that he had to put in passwords every time he wanted to look at something even slightly naughty.

RockinHippy · 09/10/2016 22:57

YANBU

The porn could well have been a virus, there has been a spate of them lately, but there is no way in hell my own DD would get to keep any of her SM accounts if she blocked me

If it were me, I would be changing the internet password & let him come crawling for it, he only gets the password when he lifts the block. I would be checking his messages too, just incase they are genuinely sharing porn. Blocking you seems a bit odd if its genuinely innocent

BowieFan · 09/10/2016 22:57

NewStartNewName

My kids have their grandparents (one set anyway) on FB too. And cousins, and uncles. I just don't expect them to have their mother and father on there. They use FB to keep in touch with their grandparents and to arrange when they're going to phone them on Skype (time differences). That was their own choice though, we certainly wouldn't (and neither would GPs) have forced them into it.

Nanny0gg · 09/10/2016 22:58

I don't prevent access to devices at night

If nothing else, I would definitely have them downstairs at bedtime.

Far too much temptation to use and teenagers need their sleep.

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