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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit annoyed that my SIL does this?

38 replies

Cocklodger · 09/10/2016 10:51

My brother has been with her for 4 years, she seems pretty nice all round.
I've never had an issue with her and we go out for coffee every few months for a chat.
Without fail, if I owe her money, she has something to say about it. But its very small amounts of money for example, I didn't have enough 50ps for the parking ticket machine, so I asked if she had one, then bought her a coffee costing £1.50, which I didn't mind doing, as a thank you. Next time she saw me she asked for her 50p back!
Now I hardly shower her with money, but a lot of the time if we're out together I'll get us a sandwich each while we buy our own coffees, or occasionally I'll buy her coffee too. I generally am 2-3 pounds worse off for this, which is fine I wouldn't dream of keeping a tally, But I've noticed that she'll often quibble over small change, Never more than 78p (Yes she asked for it to the penny!)...
AIBU to wonder why someone would do this and AIBU to stop buying things for her? It seems incredibly petty to me but I don't see why I should extend goodwill to her when I get quibbles over 12-78p...

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 09/10/2016 10:53

I'd just stop buying her stuff

Allalonenow · 09/10/2016 10:59

Make sure that you always have enough money with you for your own needs so that you don't have to borrow from her.
Stop buying her sandwiches etc.
Make sure that you split the bill completely fairly with her and only pay for what you have had.

Lilaclily · 09/10/2016 11:00

Just meet her at your house or hers ?

rollonthesummer · 09/10/2016 11:01

Stop buying her stuff-just get your own!

Cluesue · 09/10/2016 11:01

Yep,dont buy her a thing,its the only way to deal with pettiness

ENormaSnob · 09/10/2016 11:02

I would probably stop meeting her altogether tbh.

mmmuffins · 09/10/2016 11:02

Of course you should stop buying her things.

allegretto · 09/10/2016 11:05

I would give her the money and then add "and can YOU give me the £2.23 for the sandwich " or whatever. Hopefully she'll get the message!

Nocabbageinmyeye · 09/10/2016 11:05

I'd just stop meeting her altogether if that was me, I can't abide mean people. I get everyone is different and for me it would be weird asking for 50p back at all but I understand everyone is different and technically although I would think her tight she would be right, however, the fact you then bought her coffee/sandwiches makes her mean and tight with a selective memory, I just couldn't get past those horrible traits.

Buy her nothing, take nothing from her and have little or nothing to do with her would be my way forward

girlywhirly · 09/10/2016 11:06

Yes, I think you need to make sure you have enough change for parking if in your car, and say something like 'it will be easier if we get our own don't you think?' In the coffee shop. She will soon realise how much she ends up spending, and if she chooses to only have a coffee and no sandwich or cake with it, don't let that put you off or feel you have to offer.

I wonder if she is on a tight budget, or if she isn't good at managing what she has, spending on frivolities and finding herself short? But to me she sounds a bit mean with money. Do you think your brother is aware of this?

WatchingFromTheWings · 09/10/2016 11:09

As pp have said, make sure you have the right change for parking, stop buying her food and drink.

Arfarfanarf · 09/10/2016 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsHathaway · 09/10/2016 11:14

It could be a cash v card thing, coming from different accounts and different budgets.

If someone asks me for a pound coin, they're making my life difficult for when I'm next at Aldi or the community café. By comparison I'll happily add something to my supermarket shop because I don't pay for that in cash.

That said, I don't understand why you don't just say "you cheeky mare, I gave you back the 50p by buying you coffee".

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 09/10/2016 11:17

why on earth have you not told her to FRO! ....50p for the ticket vs a coffee and a sandwich

she's having a laugh and needs to be pulled up on it.

Martha75 · 09/10/2016 11:21

You could just say 'I paid for coffee/sandwich last time, it's your turn this time', if she says anything then just pay for your own in future.

Are they very hard up?

NoCapes · 09/10/2016 11:23

Do you actually give her the random amount of money back?
I think I'd just laugh and say something like - you're joking right? It's 12p!!
Make her see how ridiculous she's being
Don't start being petty back, then she'll think her behaviour is reasonable

NataliaOsipova · 09/10/2016 11:29

You aren't being unreasonable. Out of interest, does she ever buy you a coffee? Some people like to be very strict about money. Generally with friends I regularly meet up with, I will buy one time and they will buy another - so we wouldn't tot up a 50p parking ticket, or if one of us has a croissant as well etc etc. It works out over time. That said, I also have a friend who will always - nicely - insist on buying her own. Also absolutely fine - it's not unfriendly, we always know where we are and neither of us is of pocket if I go out together. The problem you seem to have is that you're falling between the two and always to your disadvantage. I agree with the pp who says to stop buying her coffees, cakes etc. Take the view of my friend mentioned above and prefer to buy your own. You don't need to make a big deal of it. Don't go into a coffee shop and ask "What are we having?" Let her go first in the queue. Let her order her own and pay for it. She's then set the precedent and you're following.

Original poster
Cocklodger · 09/10/2016 11:33

I know they're saving for a house deposit, but if they were in hardship I'd probably know about it (Very close knit families and I'm always asked to help when shit hits the fan ). I'm considering not meeting her altogether because it just seems ridiculous to me. I've always given the money back when asked because I've felt a bit awkward with it tbh

OP posts:
Sparklesilverglitter · 09/10/2016 11:37

Ahh I hate this kind of stuff, it just makes me cringe

Who, just who cares that much about 50p.

Next time when she was saying about her 50p, I'd have to say are you being serious it's 50p?

I meet some friends for coffee regularly and I pay one time them the next and I wouldn't dream of saying oh x can I have that 50p for parking 4 weeks ago

Sparklesilverglitter · 09/10/2016 11:38

Saving for a house deposit of not, all that fuss of 78p is ridiculous

Maybe she'd be better off not going out, it doesn't sound fun

tofutti · 09/10/2016 11:38

If you otherwise enjoy her company, keep meeting her but, as PP said, ensure you have plenty of change so you only pay for your own.

Are you always the one driving? Could you arrange to meet her next time?

People who happily let me give them a lift and then don't offer a bit towards parking annoy me.

Choochootrain47 · 09/10/2016 11:41

Oh how cringe!

My old mum always says, " lending someone less that a fiver you can't ask for it back"

Buying a house of not, there is no need for all that fuss over 50/78p. If she's like that why does she go it doesn't sound fun

Could you always make sure you have the right money and always order your own coffee/sandwich then you'll never owe her anything

Batteriesallgone · 09/10/2016 11:43

Not meeting her altogether over small bits of change seems as petty as her (selectively) keeping track. Just pay seperately, it doesn't have to be a big deal.

Obsidian77 · 09/10/2016 11:50

In my experience people like this are spectacularly selfish and not just about money. They have an amazing ability to overlook the thousand and one things you do for them and to feel aggrieved about the or time they lent you 50p.
If someone drives me to the shops I always offer to pay for parking because they are the one paying for petrol, car running costs etc.
As for your SiL, as other pps have suggested, plan ahead to carry cash and make sure you always pay for your own. If she's going to be a part of your life for a long time it's in everyone's interests to either accept her idiosyncrasies and let it go or find a way around it.

magicstar1 · 09/10/2016 11:51

The problem is that you're asking her for a lend of cash, so she feels able to ask for it back. With the cake etc. you're just buying it...she's hadn't asked for it, so it's not offset against the loan. (Not that I think she's right at all!)
From now on just buy for yourself, and make sure you always have spare change on hand.