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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be a bit annoyed that my SIL does this?

38 replies

Cocklodger · 09/10/2016 10:51

My brother has been with her for 4 years, she seems pretty nice all round.
I've never had an issue with her and we go out for coffee every few months for a chat.
Without fail, if I owe her money, she has something to say about it. But its very small amounts of money for example, I didn't have enough 50ps for the parking ticket machine, so I asked if she had one, then bought her a coffee costing £1.50, which I didn't mind doing, as a thank you. Next time she saw me she asked for her 50p back!
Now I hardly shower her with money, but a lot of the time if we're out together I'll get us a sandwich each while we buy our own coffees, or occasionally I'll buy her coffee too. I generally am 2-3 pounds worse off for this, which is fine I wouldn't dream of keeping a tally, But I've noticed that she'll often quibble over small change, Never more than 78p (Yes she asked for it to the penny!)...
AIBU to wonder why someone would do this and AIBU to stop buying things for her? It seems incredibly petty to me but I don't see why I should extend goodwill to her when I get quibbles over 12-78p...

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 09/10/2016 11:53

Would she not have bought the sandwiches when you were out if you weren't the one paying? Why is it always you going up to the counter in coffee shops?

Memoires · 09/10/2016 12:38

Just don't buy her stuff. Give back to 50p or whatever as soon as you have the change. If she asks for it when you've just paid for sandwiches, tell her how much her sarnie cost and then calculate how much she owes you.

She'll either stop wanting to go out with you altogether or she'll stop thinking about what you owe her.

OlennasWimple · 09/10/2016 12:44

I once had someone ask me for the money I owed them....6p!!

If someone isn't embarassed by asking for small change (when they aren't desperately skint), they won't be embarassed by you saying they owe you £2.78 or whatever for a sandwich.

Simply, just put an end to situations where you need to sub each other small amounts of cash. Don't buy something for her (just say it's easiest to buy your own). Keep a bag of change in the car and be fastidious about having cash in your purse when you go out with her.

It's a bit miserable this way, but as it's someone you will keep seeing, it's the only way to do it without being driven mad by the petty requests and reminders.

EmNetta · 09/10/2016 12:46

My sister was like this when we were younger, and I used to have a friend who was spectacularly mean - both had other odd ways with money and both had/ have more than anyone else I know (one has made millions). Now I've realised their attitude to money is an odd character trait, I find I'm more tolerant, while avoiding cash exchanges when possible (I sometimes just wonder about introducing them some lunchtime.... but could I afford it?)

NicknameUsed · 09/10/2016 12:47

I always keep a container in the car with change for car parking. I suggest you do the same.

rollonthesummer · 09/10/2016 12:49

What would she say if you bought yourself a coffee and sandwich but not anything for her?

magicstar1 · 09/10/2016 12:50

But she's not asking for the sandwich etc. so won't look at it the same way. I've met people like that before. She won't think she owes for it.

Lorelei76 · 09/10/2016 13:02

I don't mind each paying what they owe but she's taking advantage if she let you pay for her coffee.

either you pay your own way or you don't - but taking advantage is different.

HowToChooseAUserName · 09/10/2016 13:06

Without fail, if I owe her money, she has something to say about it

For all you know, she may think you are a freeloader and making the reverse complaint about you.

It may seem trivial amounts but once someone gets a bee in their bonnet about money, it can take on a bigger significance in their mind.

So with anyone else she may let it go but once she perceives you as always trying to garner a 50 p and a quid there that you rarely offer to repay, she feels she is being taken for a ride and the money mounts up.

Agree with others that you should stop being in the situation in the first place.

Rachel0Greep · 09/10/2016 13:20

Agreed, just make sure to have the change you need, and stop buying anything for her.

FeelingSmurfy · 09/10/2016 13:37

I think in her head it's completely seperate issues

AIBU that she keeps borrowing small amounts off me, it may only be 50p here and 78p there but it all adds up

Later in the thread: we do get on well and she isn't tight, she often pays for a coffee for me or something, but it just seems awkward when I have to ask for my money back

I would make it seperate issues in your head too, buy your own coffee or whatever and give her the 50p back from your change, you will come out better off anyway! I've known people like this, I am more like you but there are certain people I have had to do this with over the years.

biggles50 · 09/10/2016 16:48

How embarrassing for you and yes do what people have said and be fore armed. Cash for parking and when you're queuing up, "shall we get our own? or if you pay now I'll treat you next time ". Scabby people are very devious and you have to be one step ahead of them all the time.

alfagirl73 · 09/10/2016 17:35

From what you say it sounds like you're the one driving you both when you go for coffee/lunch or whatever... so actually - she's wanting you to pay for petrol AND parking AND her coffee/lunch?! Sounds like a piss-take to me! And in terms of the 50p or whatever being a "loan", in law, "loans" (especially something like a 50p for a parking machine!) between family and friends are presumed to be unenforceable UNLESS there is some sort of written contract to the contrary making it clear that there is an intention to create legal relations. So it's not even deemed a loan in the eyes of the law.

I would suggest in future that you pay for your own everything - make sure you have enough change or whatever for the parking etc... and do NOT buy her any more coffees or sandwiches. OR - if you carry on as you are, then when she asks for the 50p (or whatever it is) back then ask for her share of the coffee/lunch bill as well as half the petrol cost! She'll soon understand what it's like to hold every penny over someone's head!

It doesn't appear that she is hard up - but even if she was, if it was that extreme, then she has no business going out for lunch and expecting someone else to pay for it!

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