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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that dh's parents and family should make more effort?

67 replies

Kel1234 · 08/10/2016 10:45

It's my husbands birthday today, he is 32. Since I've known him, his parents and other family have never made much effort for his birthday. Even on his 30th, they made no real effort at all, a card and present almost shoved at him in the morning. I thought with it being a special birthday they may have at least got a cake, maybe a bottle of something fizzy- not too expensive- and come round and shared it as a family. But no, I found out that they were planing nothing like that, so I had to organise something literally last minute, so he had something. Last year they didn't do anything either, then last night my FIL asked if they wanted him and MIL to have our little one from last night, meaning dh wouldn't even have seen him today. I asked if they were planning to do anything or us all go out, but nothing. And other family members do not live that far away, yet they haven't made an effort to come either, not even a card in the post.
The only cards and presents he has are from my family. Now I know he's a grown man and it's not about presents and things. But I thought they may have made an effort.
It's worse because on my birthday last year they came round with things for me, and invited themselves to join us at our meal. And this year they came to see me. And they came for our little ones 1st birthday last month.
AIBU to think that his own family should do more for him?

OP posts:
SmallBee · 08/10/2016 11:51

My DH organised my 30th. I wouldn't expect my parents to, they haven't ' planned ' a birthday since I left home. They will ask if I'd like to do anything or wait for me to invite them to something.

YANBU to expect them to buy a gift and a card and make a phone call.

YABU to expect the parents of a married man to invite themselves round and bring cake etc. All that stuff would usually be down to their partner or themselves.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 08/10/2016 11:54

I would have agreed that perhaps his family don't celebrate adult birthdays but his parents bought you presents and visited on your birthday, but nothing for him? That is a bit odd. Although their offer to have DC may suggest they felt you and him may want to go have some childfree time.

FrancisCrawford · 08/10/2016 11:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DurhamDurham · 08/10/2016 12:03

I'm sorry to say it but it doesn't sound like you were putting in any more effort than the rest of them....as you had to rush out and organise something last minute.
I think once you move out and have a home/family of your own you need to organise your own birthday celebrations.

Grumpyaboutchristmas · 08/10/2016 12:03

Yeah another one here thinking you were the one that fucked up on his 30th rather than his parents. Be grateful your husband isn't a man child with overbearing parents. And did you miss the bit where your in laws offered to look after your child on dhs bday, presumably to allow you to go out?? I don't think you are for real, no one could be this unreasonable, even on AIBU.

yeOldeTrout · 08/10/2016 12:08

I don't like birthdays, not even my own. Tedious at best.

DoJo · 08/10/2016 12:10

I am another one who is surprised that you expect his parents to buy him a cake or a bottle of fizz - he is independent of them now, so I would expect them to 'hand over the reins' as it were. However, you're his wife, and you didn't think to do it - in his shoes I think I would find that much more hurtful tbh.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 08/10/2016 12:13

I organised my husbands 30th birthday party, why didn't you? Surely it's no longer their place to do it when he leaves home.

QueenLizIII · 08/10/2016 12:20

For a 30th birthday, why didnt you take your husband out or away on a mini break Confused

Why are you sorry for your husbands family doing nothing for him when you dont either?

Deux · 08/10/2016 12:23

Why on earth would you expect his parents to take the lead? I find that most odd indeed.

Your DH's primary relationship is with you now, not his parents, so I would expect a spouse to do the organising and invite the parents if you wanted them there.

Otherwise it's a bit infantilising.

SEsofty · 08/10/2016 12:27

I plan everything for my husband birthdays. His parents send a card and present.

It's your responsibility. I would expect him to be really upset with you that you hadn't organised something

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 08/10/2016 12:29

I'm with SEsofty, he's your husband, you should be the one to do something nice for him. His parents days for organising cakes and parties for him ended a very long time ago!

Creampastry · 08/10/2016 12:30

You arrange it ffs

MatildaTheCat · 08/10/2016 12:31

What does dh think?

They make an effort for you because presumably they realise that birthdays are a big deal to you. Maybe they know their own son well enough to know he's not bothered.

Sorry but you do sound like hard work,they offered to have your DC overnight and somehow that's a bad and selfish move... Confused

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 08/10/2016 12:36

He's married to you, they would probably expect you or him to arrange something. It's a bit odd expecting his parents to arrange something. If he lived with them I could understand it.

And there are plenty of threads from people

Meeep · 08/10/2016 12:36

For my DH's 30th HE arranged to go out for dinner with friends. Not me, not his parents!
Parents weren't even invited, though I was!

Princesspink999 · 08/10/2016 12:37

I'd be really irritated if my PIL organised parties for my DH but I would expect them to give a card and to join in with whatever we were organising.

roasted · 08/10/2016 12:40

Does your husband actually like birthdays?

My family do nothing for my birthday because I hate birthdays and I don't let them do anything to celebrate mine. I'm guessing you like being made a fuss of on your birthday, but is your husband the same way inclined?

SEsofty · 08/10/2016 12:41

Also, they offered to have your child so that you could have couple time on his birthday- that's an amazing offer. They sound really kind.

So what did you organise?

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 08/10/2016 12:49

And there are plenty of threads from people moaning that the inlaws have taken over and organised someone's birthday, with lots of 'manchild' and 'go NC' comments

Nanny0gg · 08/10/2016 12:55

It surely isn't up to parents to sort out birthday celebrations and cakes once the child has left home?

Buy presents and cards yes, but it's down to my children's partners or the children themselves to organise any form of 'do'.

sooperdooper · 08/10/2016 12:57

They offered to babysit because they'd assume he or you would've made birthday plans, that's what adults do - parents only arrange parties for their children when they actually are children, not when they're in their 30s

phillipp · 08/10/2016 13:08

I can't see what his parents have done wrong.

They don't make a huge fuss on adult birthdays.

They offer to babysit your child so you can have a night out.

If you think your dh should have something special. That's for you to arrange. If you want them to come out for a meal with you ask them.

I am really struggling to believe you expected them to arrange a party without discussing it with you at all. Or that you never thought to chat with them about it until a couple of days before.

Starryeyed16 · 08/10/2016 13:08

It's your responsibility to organise your own DH celebrations now that you live together and have children. I've just organised a family birthday meal for my DHs 30th invites his family. They could be ironically saying that you never organise anything special for your DH birthday.

Ausernotanumber · 08/10/2016 13:08

He lives with you. It's up to you to organise something. Plus, your FIL offered to babysit?

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