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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leaving DH to look after our baby??

89 replies

SeenYourArse · 07/10/2016 12:21

It's my friends hen night this weekend,means leaving at 10:30am Sat morning and returning 12:00 Sunday were going about 2 hours drive away from where we live in a coach 16 of us. Our baby is 4 months old and teething terribly,only suffers evenings until he falls asleep around 8-10pm depending how tired he is,once he's asleep he sleeps all night until 8am ish. Problem is he will only settle for me not daddy as he's used to me doing all the actual looking after him. Friend is very very poorly and prognosis isn't good at all so I really want to go (plus ive paid the £160 already) this is the first time I've left baby to go out at night since he was born. AIBU to go despite knowing daddy might have a rough evening trying to settle him?? I know I will feel guilty but can't help thinking if DH out more effort into his relationship with baby on a daily basis he would be easier for him but he leaves it to me as it's an easier life for him. My mum is coming with me or else she would look after him and he'd be fine for her he spends a lot of time with my mum we see each other most days. My dad will come round for a couple of hours in the evening until baby falls asleep to help DH and baby loves Grandpa. Should I go as planned or stay at home Incase he has a bad evening?? To add teething has started since it was all booked and we have baby ibuprofen and calpol to give him if he's really in pain (obviously following the guidelines on dosage etc)

OP posts:

AGenie · 07/10/2016 13:53

I think you should decided based on dhs relationship with ds. I tried this with dh at the same age and it was not okay at all. Try leaving them alone when you are not a long way away on a coach and see what happens.

SittingAround1 · 07/10/2016 13:55

Go. He'll cope. It'll be good for him and the baby to spend some time together alone.

Iguessyourestuckwithme · 07/10/2016 13:57

I do think that seeing as you knew about this event that it would have been better allowing DH to have had some time prior to learn his own ways. You're being unfair to both DH and DS by depriving them of this time together on a regular basis.

I hope DH has fun with his son.

foursillybeans · 07/10/2016 14:03

I would go. I probably wouldn't ring during the night though. You won't enjoy your night hearing the baby screaming down the phone. Let your DM answer if your DH rings.

Personally I think having Grandpa round might actually not help much. If the baby settles better for him it could cause a bit of frustration or tension between DH and DF. It might be better to just let DH get on with it.

Justwanttoweeinpeace · 07/10/2016 14:03

Go. Enjoy.

If your DH is anything like mine he'll be bursting with pride that he coped so well when you get home.

They're all perfectly capable of looking after their own children, but sometimes they need reminding.

Justwanttoweeinpeace · 07/10/2016 14:04

Go. Enjoy.

If your DH is anything like mine he'll be bursting with pride that he coped so well when you get home.

They're all perfectly capable of looking after their own children, but sometimes they need reminding.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 07/10/2016 14:06

Im also entitled to swear at who I want, this is an anonymous internet forum after all.

No, you aren't, it's against MN rules.

MrsJayy · 07/10/2016 14:12

Go a baby will settle eventually with who ever is caring for them go on your night away and dont worry about it.

gillybeanz · 07/10/2016 14:15

Of course you should go. Baby will be fine with his Dad, and it won't be the first time dh will have challenges to overcome with his son, I hope.

diddl · 07/10/2016 14:24

Why would your mum have your son if she wasn't going with you & why on earth will your dad be going round?

Leave your husband to look after his son!

ShteakandShpuds · 07/10/2016 14:27

Sorry to hear about your friend. For the sake of one night away, it's a 'no brainer' as they say.

DH struggles only because you're not letting him get on with it by himself. If you carry on in that vein, you will find motherhood exhausting after a while.

nocake · 07/10/2016 14:32

Bloke here... we've had times when the kids wouldn't settle for me but even then I'd be chasing DW out of the door and telling her to have a good time. It might be rough for him but he'll cope... I always did.

puglife15 · 07/10/2016 14:37

If it was just meeting a friend for drinks in the local then I might consider not going as I know how hard it can be when a baby just will not settle for anyone but its mum.

But this is your poorly friend, very different.

corythatwas · 07/10/2016 14:43

So those who think the OP shouldn't go unless there is absolute certainty that the baby will settle for the dad- what happens on those nights when babies won't settle for its mum? Does that mean she should never be left alone with it?

Or is it perhaps a fair expectation that the dad should keep trying until he learns how to settle the baby- which is exactly what mum has had to do over the last 4 months. Or did everybody else know instinctively what to do with their babies the moment they gave birth to them? Am I the only one who had to go through some kind of learning curve?

If it is so horrendously unfair to expose the baby to dad's learning curve, why was it fair to expose it to a non-expert mum?

It sometimes seems to me that babies are just expected to suck up their mothers' mistakes, but anything less than immediate perfection on the part of a father is seen as proof that dads can't be left unsupervised.

MrsJayy · 07/10/2016 14:50

Well exactly cory however i do think if this was a dad going a lot of posters would say he was a selfish git for leaving mum with a young baby over night

AmeliaJack · 07/10/2016 15:07

How is it "selfish"?

We have twins, my DH's first work trip away from home was when they were 10 weeks old.

Barring PND or some other health issue there is absolutely no reason that either parent shouldn't be able to cope on their own with a single baby for a single night (assuming feeding can be covered).

I never considered DH selfish and we both did our best to ensure the other had nights out.

MrsJayy · 07/10/2016 15:10

Tbf i didnt say it was selfish i said on mumsnet if it was the other way around some posters think it is selfish if a man goes on a stag do

Lweji · 07/10/2016 15:44

Nobody would say it would be selfish for a one night.

It would be if the father was out several nights a week and the mother could never go out.

Allthewaves · 07/10/2016 15:46

Go. We had role reversal. Dh did most of baby settling (sahd) as I had very bad post natal depression and attachment problems. It wasn't until mil forced him to leave me completely alone with the baby that I learned to do it

Pagwatch · 07/10/2016 15:48

"Im also entitled to swear at who I want, this is an anonymous internet forum after all. "

Erm. It got deleted. You are not entitled to swear at people.

It's the cunting rules.

AaLittleEggLayOnALeaf · 07/10/2016 18:30

I wouldn't have left my baby at four months because she was a horrible creature at that age! There's a sleep regression, a developmental leap, teething and general baby stuff going on. She definitely wouldn't settle for anyone else. By six months I would leave her. It's totally up to you OP, babies are just little people and only you know yours. I should think they'll be just fine together if you did decide to go.

Original poster

SeenYourArse · 07/10/2016 20:57

Wow thanks for all the responses, a few things to clarify yes he is bad with his teething and cries a lot but it s only ever for an hour ish then he falls asleep. He always sleeps through the night from 10:30pm ish to 8am ish so he won't be up with him all through the night.
I try to encourage DH to do as much for baby as I can but he's a bit lazy tbh! I certainly would never ever 'deny him the chance' to spend time with his son and bond I'd love to have a bit of the pressure taken from me!
For those saying they wouldn't leave a 4 month old baby I wouldn't by choice usually either but to be frank my friend isn't going to get better she is going to pass away so I really want to be part of this experience with and for her.
My dad is coming round just for moral support and to bring the takeaway for tea no doubt! My DH and dad are friends as much as in laws so to spend the evening together isn't unusual.

OP posts:

ayeokthen · 07/10/2016 21:11

SeenYourArse I'm sorry about your friend's illness, that must be really tough for all of you. Go, enjoy your night, and between them your man and your dad will make sure your wee one is just fine.

Lovewineandchocs · 07/10/2016 21:13

Amelia yes I totally agree with you. My DH went on a week's work trip when our DS was 8 weeks old. I coped fine. He was left with one of his parents for 7 nights, the OPs DS is being left with one of his parents for 1 night. He'll scream for an hour max, will sleep through the night, her DH will have company and a takeaway and there are baby painkillers available. If he does happen to have a rough night, it is just that-a night. Sorry about your friend OP

Toomanywheeliebinsagain · 07/10/2016 21:23

Oh my god, go. My experience is that babies settle much better when you are not around anyway. I breast fed both of mine for a long time and often travelled for work overnight when they were 9 months plus. I left milk in a cup which they sometimes had but were also on solids by that point. Yes they would have preferred me but they weren't scarred for life by being left in the loving care of their father

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