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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leaving DH to look after our baby??

89 replies

SeenYourArse · 07/10/2016 12:21

It's my friends hen night this weekend,means leaving at 10:30am Sat morning and returning 12:00 Sunday were going about 2 hours drive away from where we live in a coach 16 of us. Our baby is 4 months old and teething terribly,only suffers evenings until he falls asleep around 8-10pm depending how tired he is,once he's asleep he sleeps all night until 8am ish. Problem is he will only settle for me not daddy as he's used to me doing all the actual looking after him. Friend is very very poorly and prognosis isn't good at all so I really want to go (plus ive paid the £160 already) this is the first time I've left baby to go out at night since he was born. AIBU to go despite knowing daddy might have a rough evening trying to settle him?? I know I will feel guilty but can't help thinking if DH out more effort into his relationship with baby on a daily basis he would be easier for him but he leaves it to me as it's an easier life for him. My mum is coming with me or else she would look after him and he'd be fine for her he spends a lot of time with my mum we see each other most days. My dad will come round for a couple of hours in the evening until baby falls asleep to help DH and baby loves Grandpa. Should I go as planned or stay at home Incase he has a bad evening?? To add teething has started since it was all booked and we have baby ibuprofen and calpol to give him if he's really in pain (obviously following the guidelines on dosage etc)

OP posts:

Whatsername17 · 07/10/2016 13:08

Go. Absolutely. I felt very PFB about dd when she was born and, if im honest, I made it so that she would only settle for me. Not on purpose, but because I was so paranoid that DH wouldnt 'do it properly' I did everything. He became very lazy. The final straw for me came when I took DD upstairs to settle her and I could hear the pinging of his stupid computer game in the back ground whilst I struggled on. It made me realise that I needed to stop being so controling and he needed to step up. I talked him through 'the routine' and he put her to bed the next night. It didnt go well but I'd gone to Tesco for some bits and sat in Costa drinking a latte so was blissfully unaware. I knew being there, i'd go up and take over which wasnt right or fair to either of us. DH found his own way of settling her and she slipped into a routine very quickly. This time around, I determind to be more relaxed and not quite so controlling. DH is a brilliant dad, he just does things differently at times.

mmmuffins · 07/10/2016 13:09

I wouldn't leave a baby that young, no.

rollonthesummer · 07/10/2016 13:11

Is your DH telling you not to go?

ayeokthen · 07/10/2016 13:11

mmmuffins why not?

mmmuffins · 07/10/2016 13:16

Because I think it would be distressing for both me and the baby. My DH is a very hands on dad, but our baby definitely goes through periods of not settling with him, and will just scream and scream. And I wouldn't enjoy myself, because I feel 4 months is still really little.

I am always a bit surprise about how emphatically women on these types of threads are told to leave there babies. I think because I have had a lot of trouble bonding with my baby, yet the idea of leaving her makes me very uncomfortable. But it would seem many women don't feel this way.

Nakupenda · 07/10/2016 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Chocolateiloveyou28 · 07/10/2016 13:19

Yes OP go and enjoy

The child will be with its Dad, and dad will be fine.

Sometimes especially as Mums we get a long of guilt about leaving our babies but we really shouldn't, as most babies are fine when we aren't around

ayeokthen · 07/10/2016 13:21

Nobody's telling OP to "leave her child", we're telling her that it's ok to have a night away if that's what she wants to do, reassuring her that it's not wrong to do it. Which it isn't. And your DH can't be that hands on if he can't settle his own kid. My DP could settle all our kids when they were tiny because he was always involved when he wasn't working.

PacificOcean · 07/10/2016 13:27

I went to a friend's hen party (not overnight) when DD was 8 weeks old, EBF and had never accepted a bottle! She was fine - she accepted one when she got hungry enough!

PacificOcean · 07/10/2016 13:28

I think telling muffins to fuck off is a bit harsh. She's entitled to express her opinion without people swearing at her.

BackforGood · 07/10/2016 13:34

Go, of course.
How do you expect your baby to learn to settle for other people if you jump in and don't give them the opportunity ?

Nakupenda · 07/10/2016 13:36

Im also entitled to swear at who I want, this is an anonymous internet forum after all.

I cannot stand it when people try and put other mums down for wanting a bit of time away from their baby, and all this waffling shite about leaving the baby too early and it being traumatic.
If a father actually can't settle and sufficiently look after his own child, then a swift LTB is needed.

trufflehunterthebadger · 07/10/2016 13:36

Blimey nakupenda, in a bad mood are we ? No need to be so rude

mmmuffins · 07/10/2016 13:37

Ah silly me, posting my honest feelings with the expectation I'm engaging in a discussion. Fuck off I will, I 'm feeling too sensitive for this.

And Ayeokthen I'm sure you're right, I must imagine the time my DH spends with my baby, as he can only settle her sometimes. No one's family could ever be different than yours.

trufflehunterthebadger · 07/10/2016 13:39

Mmmmmuffins, i would not have left dd overnight at 4 months either.

Hellochicken · 07/10/2016 13:39

Go!
I havent left a baby overnight at 4 months (but did go back to work with one) but in these circumstances I would.
I found when mine were babies they preferred me when I was there (and whinged if others were there) but when I wasnt there they were comforted fine by others. So you might be surprised if he has an easy time. If he is unsettled your DH will manage for 1 night and he has grandpa too for support!

Jackiebrambles · 07/10/2016 13:40

You might find that the baby settles well for him when you aren't there. If she can't see you, I mean.

Go and let him find his own way. As long as he's got milk and pain relief for the teeth all will be well.

Especially when your friend is not well, you'd really regret not going.

Jackiebrambles · 07/10/2016 13:41

Sorry, baby is a boy - apologies for saying 'she'!

trufflehunterthebadger · 07/10/2016 13:42

i'm also entitled to swear at who I want, this is an anonymous internet forum after all

You sound charming. And should you care to read the terms of use you'll find you aren't entitled to swear at whoever you like.

DoinItFine · 07/10/2016 13:42

Your husband should be utterly ashamed that 3 people are better parents to his baby than he is.

What a pathetic excuse for a father.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/10/2016 13:43

Go.

Bet your dh wouldn't think twice about going.

Baby is going left with a parent not dropped off at the fire station to be raised by the cats til you're back.

I'd he out that door before you could say "vodka and coke please"

DoinItFine · 07/10/2016 13:44

Oh yy to not calling him Daddy.

It's an insult to Daddies.

Daddy is a person who looks after you.

Not someone who needs their FIL's help to put you to sleep.

ayeokthen · 07/10/2016 13:45

mmmuffins no need to be snarky, you implied your DH was a "hands on dad" and then in the same breath said he couldn't settle his own child.

ayeokthen · 07/10/2016 13:49

And for the record I really get pissed off at the phrase "hands on dad", you never hear anyone saying "hands on mum". Dads should be involved in all aspects of parenting (obviously with exceptions where there is abuse/no contact etc).

AmeliaJack · 07/10/2016 13:51

Motherhood comes with lots of guilt. Most of it unnecessary.

You want to go.
Your DH is happy for you to go.
You've provided him with your Dad to help.

Go! If DH has a rough night that's part of being a parent.

I left my DH on his own with twins when they were 4 months old.

I didn't stay away overnight because I was breastfeeding but I went out for the day part of a Hen night.

My DH did in fact have an evening filled with lots of screaming. But he stuck a smile on his face when I arrived home and asked if I'd enjoyed the Hen do then went and poured himself a whisky. I got flowers the next day too.

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