32 weeks pregnant and treated like crap at work

[mrsfredweasley]

Posted this on a couple other boards but decided to go here for more traffic...

This will be a long one to avoid drip feeding, so I apologise in advance.

I work in admin in a school and I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant. I started having issues when I was around 13/14 weeks. I was off sick for 2 days (before anyone was aware I was pregnant) and during this time, a colleague went onto my computer (shared log in at the time), accessed my emails and read through my sent messages. None of which were bad but there were a number to my husband. She then told the head teacher what she'd seen and I had to go through a formal investigatory process for emailing my husband and "wasting work time". Because of this, I was forced to tell work of my pregnancy (because they'd read about it in my sent emails) before I was ready; before I'd even told family. My colleagues were also aware that I had previously had a miscarriage (about a month before) and should probably have realised that I might need the support of my husband during this time, but they clearly didn't.

This has all since been sorted after resulting in me having 4 weeks off work due to stress, and I made sure to let them know that reading my emails is actually illegal and the formal investigation was unnecessary, and the log ins have become individual. However, since then, the atmosphere and relationship between me and the colleague who "told on me" has been frosty and awkward. She unintentionally made it very clear that it was her.

Fast forward to 32 weeks pregnant and the attitudes of my colleagues towards me have gradually become worse and have really begun to grind me down. There are 4 other women in the office and they have started excluding me from everything and made me feel really isolated. No one says good morning to me when I arrive, no one offers to make me a drink even when asking the rest of the office by name, if they have general chit chat I'm never included and they always end sentences with each other's names to let me know nothing is directed to me. If they want to find out some information that is to do with my role, they'll go above me to the head teacher to ask her instead of turning to me on the desk next to them. The receptionist has become increasingly rude to me; demanding that I do work for her and when I say I am a little busy but will try, she gets incredibly nasty. These are isolated incidents that have resulted in a big thing. They also plan trips out together and events like candle parties, and openly discuss them in front of me without ever inviting me.

It's just made me feel shit, to be honest. I sit doing my work with tears in my eyes and come home and break down to my husband. I'm obviously very hormonal, which isn't helping. None of them ever ask how I'm feeling re: pregnancy or even get excited with me about it. It's putting me under a lot of stress and anxiety.

I leave for maternity in 2 weeks but I'm struggling to feel confident enough to make it that long. When I'm there I feel nauseous and dizzy, I don't eat and I just feel so alone. I've contemplated getting signed off sick until then and going to speak to the head teacher in the meantime to let her know how I'm feeling. But I'm conflicted because that just makes me feel guilty for going off sick and leaving my work load. So I guess what I'm asking is wibu to do this or should I just suck it up and get on with it?

I'm so sorry for the length of this post, if you've made it this far, then thank you!!

Ml is only triggered automatically if you’re off work for a pregnancy-related illness in the 4 weeks before the week (Sunday to Saturday) that your baby is due.
This is from the .gov website.
This means that if you had planned to go on ml at day 38 weeks but were sick for reasons unrelated to pregnancy then ml can't be triggered earlier. I hope this helps you.

it is a shame you put yourself so totally in the wrong emailing your husband at work. Have you shown any resentment to the person who (quite rightly) reported you?

ODFOD. I find it hard to believe that anyone has gone their whole career without firing off a couple of personal emails on company time.

If you have, well done. Your chufty badge is in the post.

I'd run for the hills! The atmosphere at work appears to have become intolerable and you have a chance of being signed off without it affecting your maternity leave, so I'd do it-your health and that of your baby are so important. You could make it clear to the HT that this stress is due to the atmosphere in the office. It sounds as if the colleague who reported you has always had an issue with you tbh-it takes an exceptionally petty and spiteful person to go to the trouble of reading someone's personal emails and reporting them. That person is probably never going to change. Put them out of your mind once you're off. Hopefully you can get a new job then only have to go back for 2 weeks before handing in your notice and working the last month. After this-well, you have kept a log of their behaviour so you can take legal advice regarding constructive dismissal if you wish. Good luck with everything, I'm so sorry you're going through this

Seriously, start looking after yourself. So you sent a couple of e-mails to your husband. Hardly end of the world. It really is normal to converse with people you work with regarding stuff that is going on each other's life so ignore the comments about it being ' your pregnancy' so why should anyone else give a shit! It's just what normal people do unless your completely devoid of manners.

Get signed off, report the behaviour, and I would personally make a point of letting them know how shitty their behaviour is before you leave.

Then relax, enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and your new baby!

It's really shocking that your line manager is acting in this way, colluding with the others. You have no choice but to speak to your HT. Clearly it's all gone wrong since your colleague read your emails (nasty bitch for doing that) and it's bullying to leave one person out of everything. Make an appointment today.

Not read full thread but is this bullying? We don't know how relationships were before OPs pregnancy, and we don't know how the dynamics at work were before email-gate, when relationships sound like they became strained. It is perfectly reasonable to not like all your colleagues, provided you maintain a professional attitude to everyone. Talking about parties you aren't invited to isn't a problem, and it sounds to me like you may be making more of this than is actually the case. I always say to my kids that they won't get invited to everything and won't be friends with everyone - it's good advice. You can do your job without being bezzy mates with everyone.

I agree grown women can be bitchy but so too can we all be oversensitive sometimes. Note I'm not putting anything down to hormones here, we can all do it and the hormones are largely an irrelevancy, although I accept that being tired and pregnant can sometimes make people overanalyse things.

I think you might be reading too much into people's reactions because you feel slighted about the situation with the emails. Of course they have the right to access a work email account and of course they have the right to limit personal emails - even if you are having a hard time at home (and as someone who has had miscarriages I sympathise), work is for work, and it's reasonable for an employer to limit online activity. I know only too well as a manager that it can get massively out of control and have a huge impact on productivity.

If I were you? I'd get on with your job for the next few weeks and do the best job you can. Don't get signed off - it will be an awful way to start mat leave. Offer to make others drinks, start conversations, don't isolate yourself and try not to take things too personally. If they are being bitchy? Let it wash over you, it's not about you, it's about them. Make yourself a positive force in the office by being extra keen and taking on the little bits others need help with or being super positive about the work, and leave for maternity leave on a positive note. These people don't have to be your best friends, you don't even have to like them, but you do have to work with them. Take the advice you'd give your child at school if friends were being mean (which is NOT necessarily bullying, contrary to common opinion) - don't let the suckers get you down, hold your head high, take control. Start mat leave on a high. Believe that you have complete control over how this plays out, even if you can't control how others behave.

It sounds like "sent to Coventry" which I would think is classed as bullying these days.

Bloody hell this is serious bullying op. I was treated similarly many years ago and it really wears you down.

I would contact the acas helpline for free advice acas.org.uk. I would join a union for future support. I would start with talking to the head teacher and consider a formal grievance depending on what the ht and acas say.

I work also start looking for a new job. Life is too short.

Enjoy your mat leave.

Don't put extra emotional effort into putting on a show, offering to make drinks that you wouldn't normally do just to put on a front in order to 'control' how your perceived. If they are behaving like this then they should know how their behaviour is effecting others. If they choose to be unresponsive then so be it. Get signed off and think about your well being.

I think the woman who looked through your emails had an agenda already, and you didn't help yourself by emailing your husband through work, unfortunately. It may not be illegal for them to read your emails as it's not your personal account, it's a work email account - this is a sticky issue. You can be fired for email misuse, from what I've heard, but then there is also the question of personal privacy.

They are bullying you, though, and I can't imagine they will get any better after you've gone back to work. If I were you, I'd probably go on leave early and then look for another job later on.

Chalk this up as a lesson learned and try to move on.

grumpy just to give you some background to the relationships before all this as you mentioned it's unknown...

We were all very close and spent a lot of time in the office chatting about home lives and various other things. All four women, including their partners, came to my wedding earlier this year. Nosy colleague and I spent every lunchtime together going for a walk round the block where we had lots of lovely chats.

Then around the time I became pregnant, their general attitudes changed, especially hers.

I appreciate what you're saying about not needing to be invited to everything all the time but when I went from just that happening to now not even hearing about events that the other 4 and the other 4 only have planned, it stings a little.

What you describe OP is bullying, pure and simple. There are more ways to bully than to physically abuse - the silent treatment, the deliberately excluding you from conversations and leaving you out of activities that before you'd have been part of - all of it is bullying. Please talk to the HT. It sounds like a clique of mean girls at school. for you and congratulations on your pregnancy.

Have you asked them what the problem is and why the relationship has gone from walks round the block to this?

Mrsfred - why would their attitude change if you're pregnant though, what reason could they have? And where in that proximity does the email-gate stand? Could your reaction to that have affected, in turn, their attitude to you? That sounds much more likely than any link to pregnancy. You clearly feel wronged and as I have said before, I don't think you were.

I just think there sounds as if there is more to this than mets they eye, I don't agree with other posters that this is automatically bullying, in the absence of an attempt to actually deal with it, and that you should get signed off. I think there is far too much of this dramatic 'get signed off immediately' stuff which goes on these days and I simply don't agree with it. It happens too often and too easily these days. It is part of your contract with work to behave reasonably too, and I don't think getting signed off is reasonable unless you are actually sick. And I don't think bitchy women necessary equals bullying either. I hear your side op, but in my experience there are always two sides to every story and I don't think you have the other side yet.

If you weren't leaving in 2 weeks anyway I'd say deal with it, either directly with them as adults or via the head if you felt unable to do that. But you only have two weeks. From the information given, i think you can and should do that.

This all sounds like really strange behavior from these women. But in my opinion life is too short to deal with arseholes, get your sick note and get out of there

I feel terrible for you. I had a similar thing myself. They are bullying you and as others have said more it all down, put in a formal complaint. Can you arrange a meeting with the head and tell him/her what as been happening and how distressed you are? I was so stressed and anxious at work that I had to go to the doctor (I had sever sickness at the time and raised liver enzymes...made worse by the stress). The whole sorry mess came out and she signed me off work with stress and pregnancy related sickness for 4 weeks. Made all the difference. I had time to put myself back together before the baby came...such a great relief .I then went on maternity leave. Could you bring your mat leave closer? Is your employer the council? You could contact hr and see where you stand. Stress is not good for you or the baby. Dare i say it, if the stress is effecting your pregnancy go to the doctors and see what they say. These horrid people sound cruel...horrible to put a pregnant woman through that. I am sorry op. I had my baby 6 weeks ago. I am not going back to that job due to the bullying. Just remember that the job and these botched are not important you and your baby are! Do the best thing for you both xx

I agree. Awful behaviour towards a pregnant woman. I'm angry on your behalf. If I worked with woman who behaved like this towards anyone, never mind pregnant, I'd be furious, & pulling them up about it. Weak, spineless excuses for humans. Hold yourself erect, & call them out on it. What have you got to lose. Can it really get anyworse.

We were all very close and spent a lot of time in the office chatting about home lives and various other things. All four women, including their partners, came to my wedding earlier this year. Nosy colleague and I spent every lunchtime together going for a walk round the block where we had lots of lovely chats. Then around the time I became pregnant, their general attitudes changed, especially hers.

Something happened at this point. I think that identifying where it went wrong at this point is the key to finding out what is going on. Is "nosy" colleague struggling with infertility? Has the OP been a bit obnoxious about her pregnancy? Was there a totally unrelated incident that made the work colleagues turn against the OP?

Nothing happened out of the ordinary. I have not been obnoxious. I have not spoken to them much about my pregnancy at all. Nosy colleague is in her mid 40s and has children so I can't imagine infertility is the issue here.

One day we went on a walk at lunchtime fine as anything, the next day I asked her if she'd like to go and she said "no", so I stopped asking. Then a few weeks later, she started going for walks with another colleague. That's all I know.

Why do I need to have done something wrong for this to happen? And even if I had, does it excuse their behaviour towards me? Maybe I'm different but I wouldn't act like they are to me to anyone else.

I think you need to talk to the HT. This is completely unacceptable behaviour and the HT needs to have a serious chat with the line manager to get it sorted out. She's not doing her job properly to carry on letting this happen.

Best wishes OP

One day we went on a walk at lunchtime fine as anything, the next day I asked her if she'd like to go and she said "no", so I stopped asking. Then a few weeks later, she started going for walks with another colleague. That's all I know.

Something had to have triggered this. It's not normal that you would be good friends one day, then not the next day without someone doing something, triggering something, or saying something. I think there is a lot more to this story than is being presented by the OP.

I'm not hiding anything here. Im posting about this because I'm confused and hurt by their behaviours and attitudes towards me. She went cold with me after she'd told on me. Whether because she realised I was a terrible employee for sending a handful of emails to someone not at my work or because she felt guilty once she saw how it affected me. I didn't do anything wrong towards her.

By the sounds of it - entitled nosy colleague believes she should've learnt of your pregnancy from you. Some people seriously do have issues with control

Did you say anything negative about them in the emails?

what is happening op? are you allright? did you resolve the situation?