32 weeks pregnant and treated like crap at work

[mrsfredweasley]

Posted this on a couple other boards but decided to go here for more traffic...

This will be a long one to avoid drip feeding, so I apologise in advance.

I work in admin in a school and I'm currently 32 weeks pregnant. I started having issues when I was around 13/14 weeks. I was off sick for 2 days (before anyone was aware I was pregnant) and during this time, a colleague went onto my computer (shared log in at the time), accessed my emails and read through my sent messages. None of which were bad but there were a number to my husband. She then told the head teacher what she'd seen and I had to go through a formal investigatory process for emailing my husband and "wasting work time". Because of this, I was forced to tell work of my pregnancy (because they'd read about it in my sent emails) before I was ready; before I'd even told family. My colleagues were also aware that I had previously had a miscarriage (about a month before) and should probably have realised that I might need the support of my husband during this time, but they clearly didn't.

This has all since been sorted after resulting in me having 4 weeks off work due to stress, and I made sure to let them know that reading my emails is actually illegal and the formal investigation was unnecessary, and the log ins have become individual. However, since then, the atmosphere and relationship between me and the colleague who "told on me" has been frosty and awkward. She unintentionally made it very clear that it was her.

Fast forward to 32 weeks pregnant and the attitudes of my colleagues towards me have gradually become worse and have really begun to grind me down. There are 4 other women in the office and they have started excluding me from everything and made me feel really isolated. No one says good morning to me when I arrive, no one offers to make me a drink even when asking the rest of the office by name, if they have general chit chat I'm never included and they always end sentences with each other's names to let me know nothing is directed to me. If they want to find out some information that is to do with my role, they'll go above me to the head teacher to ask her instead of turning to me on the desk next to them. The receptionist has become increasingly rude to me; demanding that I do work for her and when I say I am a little busy but will try, she gets incredibly nasty. These are isolated incidents that have resulted in a big thing. They also plan trips out together and events like candle parties, and openly discuss them in front of me without ever inviting me.

It's just made me feel shit, to be honest. I sit doing my work with tears in my eyes and come home and break down to my husband. I'm obviously very hormonal, which isn't helping. None of them ever ask how I'm feeling re: pregnancy or even get excited with me about it. It's putting me under a lot of stress and anxiety.

I leave for maternity in 2 weeks but I'm struggling to feel confident enough to make it that long. When I'm there I feel nauseous and dizzy, I don't eat and I just feel so alone. I've contemplated getting signed off sick until then and going to speak to the head teacher in the meantime to let her know how I'm feeling. But I'm conflicted because that just makes me feel guilty for going off sick and leaving my work load. So I guess what I'm asking is wibu to do this or should I just suck it up and get on with it?

I'm so sorry for the length of this post, if you've made it this far, then thank you!!

Btw if you go off sick i don't think it triggers mat leave. You'd have to be 36 normally for that to happen. PPs are right, your work can absolutely access your work email but they really should have used discretion given the subject!

They're complete assholes by the sounds of it. Go off, have your baby and look for something else then when you find something else, put a formal complaint in

Nothing dodgy in the emails. It was basically me telling DH that I was feeling nervous, anxious about the pregnancy etc.

The emails aren't the issue. That's all been resolved and in the past, it's just when this began.

After I came back from being off sick earlier in the year, I took biscuits and things in to clear the air and said that I hope things will be alright from now on, and it all seemed fine then.

This one colleague in particular has just turned into a real bitch to me. She snaps at me all the time. On one occasion, I was kneeling on the floor going through a drawer or something and she clearly needed to come by me so stood over me without saying a word, tapping her foot. She has the same role as me, not superior in any way.

HR is the council HR, so not really worth talking to. Think the ht would be worth talking to though. However, she does complain to us in the office any time anyone goes off sick but I think she's my only option.

Technically you shouldn't use works' email to send personal emails. However, seems very vindictive for a colleague to trawl through your sent file, noting the personal sent emails and then lodging a complaint. Hmm, someone has an agenda there.
Personally, I would stick out the remaining 2 wks, and then look for a new job asap.

Right

1. These women are pathetic and mean. Do not worry what they think or say or do. They clearly have crap lives and being them is both their crime and their punishment.

2. If you have a stressful 3rd trimester you are more likely to get PND, I can vouch for this. So GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE.

3. If you ask the GP for a sick note they will not refuse you when heavily preggo. I they did they would have to be very brave and mean if they have a very stressed tearful woman in front of them. So get down there and get a note.

4. You could make a complaint but you aren't going to win against these witches. You can't force them not to be dicks and having them officially named as bullies won't help you. I'd come back and do the minimum post baby then look for another job. Some might see if as these women winning but do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

5. ENJOY YOUR PREGNANCY AND GET SOME SLEEP!!!!!

If it's causing you that much stress it's insane that you should be in that environment in your last trimester. No one should have to sit and cry at their desk at work. I'd be guided by what your midwife and gp think, if they can sign you off, take it and in effect start your mat leave early. Stress really isn't good for you or your baby, don't let petty grudges get in the way of your wellbeing. You want to start your journey of motherhood feeling positive.

I'd report their behaviour. Workplace bullying is awful, the fact that your line manager is part of it is terrible. I used to work in HR and it's problems like these that bleed into all other areas of the workplace and ruin whole departments.

I hope you can take some time for yourself OP, enjoy your last bit of pregnancy, enjoy your baby and mat leave and I'd advise job hunting whilst your off, returning for the 6 weeks of the new term, giving them one hell of an exit interview (obvs not with your LM) and never looking back.

Good luck

Are you in a Union? I would contact them at regional or national level (not school level)

Remember that if you go back part time you will need to go back for longer than 12 weeks. It's 12 weeks full time, so if you went back 2.5 days you would need to go back for 24 weeks, unless you can negotiate it down.

You've really made me realise that this isn't the best time to be feeling like this.

firsttimer your comment about PND has really struck me. Yesterday, I found myself googling "antenatal depression" because I was worrying myself.

I'm not in a union, unfortunately. I think I really should be. Might be worth doing for future.

pottering I didn't realise that. Might be worth going back FT for the short time then. Thank you.

I have to go back after mat leave because of the twelve weeks half pay (we'll definitely need it) but 6 of the weeks will be the 6 week holidays so I'd only have to stick it out for 6 after that. I plan on going PT and looking elsewhere as soon as I can.

So I'd stick out these two weeks if possible, just carry on and do your job like you have been doing, ignore the other women, take your maternity leave, go back for the 6 weeks post maternity leave and then apply elsewhere.

It's a shame if you've been there a long while but doesn't sound like a nice place to work anymore and once your baby arrives, he or she will be your main priority.

Hope you can enjoy the last few weeks of your pregnancy. Ignore the office women ...don't let them ruin your special time

Double check but I'm a teacher (and part time) and I know that within our academy that's the way it works. If you were going to leave I'd definitely go back full time to get it out of the way.

Join a union, get yourself signed off, lodge a grievance. You are pregnant and have previously had a MC which completely explains the emails to your husband. Any decent HR department will take this seriously. I wouldn't give your workload a second thought, let them deal with it. Vindictive cows

That is shocking behaviour. Especially from grown women working in an environment where we all hope staff do their best to discourage bullying! I really feel for you OP

agree with the others. they'll trigger your mat leave at 36 weeks so get signed off until then. As my midwife told me today, it makes sense to remove stress where you can as there's plenty you can't remove!

I was in a very similar situation at work in an office. I lodged a grievance and it was the worst thing I did . The atmosphere got even worse and the grievance took a year to be heard, because I was off on maternity leave .

Like you I had to go back, but they were even nastier and I went off sick with stress. while I was off , they heard the grievance in my absence, even though I had a special sick note from my doctor ( called a soul and conscience letter ) and ( surprise surprise ) decided there was no case.

This was aftre I had spent months During my maternity leave collating documents and writing long detailed reports with dates and times . I even had witnesses from outside the organisation who had seen their bullying . The stress was awful .

In the end I resigned, which was of course exactly what they wanted. I should have saved myself a year of stress and just looked for another job straight away .

I'm sorry, I know this isn't what you what to hear . But I don't know anyone who has had a good outcome from a situation like this. It's easier for an organisation to kick out the one victim than tackle bullying by a group. It's always one persons word against several others .

Honesty it's not worth it. Take the issue to the head and put in a complaint. Then self cert and go off sick (you can self cert for up to 5 days) and see your doctor / midwife for the remaining.

I felt like I needed to stay on in work until the date id planned on finishing but my boss was a nightmare, piled more work on in the last few weeks when I needed to be taking on less and doing hangovers.
I felt I needed to stay, not let people down and just get on with it to prove pregnancy wasn't affecting me and my job, however there was one day of high stress that I just thought, I've had enough. My boss clearly didn't care about me so why was I caring about him and the work?

I went in the next day and told him I was finishing at the end of the week I had full support of HR who I'd already spoken to without his knowledge to his credit he couldn't have been nicer about it and suddenly lifted all the work but handover off me. But if he'd thought to do that before then I wouldn't have wanted to go off a bit earlier.

It doesn't matter about how your colleagues see it, you don't plan on staying after ML and if you gave to go back then you do put your head down and get on with it then which presumably will be a good few months away anyway and who knows how the team may change by then.

I wouldnt go back... life is too short. Get your maternity, resign later on and in the mean time enjoy baby. You dont want to spend your maternitg leave fretting abour returning.
Fwiw i was badly bullied by work (in a school) whilst pregnant. I can see it was a wierd jealousy thing now. My pregnancy was clearly a trigger. Weird!

Just to say I agree with Kr1stina's comments.

It sounds shit, but I just wanted to address this part of your OP:

None of them ever ask how I'm feeling re: pregnancy or even get excited with me about it. It's putting me under a lot of stress and anxiety.

You need to realise this pregnancy is about you. Well you and your husband. Not about your workmates. They are under no obligation to be interested or excited for you. I think you're blurring the lines between private life and work life if you keep emailing your husband from work about your pregnancy, and now expect your workmates to be happy for you.

I can't help but wonder if the person who dobbed you in for your emails may be struggling with infertility themselves, and combined with your apparent need to make your pregnancy a big deal, is what has turned your workmates against you. Four weeks off work for "stress" because you were told off for using your email for personal issues, going on about being upset because no one is excited about your pregnancy. I can't help but wonder what the people you have written about would say about your message.

What vile bitches they are.

I had this, different sort of job but had the looking at my emails thing (ours have a personal password but I was forced to hand it over) I hadn't sent any personal emails but there were ones in there from hotel chains that I had previously used when travelling for work (didn't travel at all in that role) and they tried to make an issue of it.
I had HG and was once off and another person the same grade as me took it upon herself to phone me to tell me all women are sick when pregnant and I was making a fuss. That's just two examples of many.
In the end I was signed off at 20 weeks, began Mat early and my union sorted out a move.
Looking back I wish I had had the energy to fight the fuckers!

In your situation I would get signed off, make sure the head knows what's going on then think nothing more of it until you are due to go back, do a kit day, if they are still playing this stupid game put in a grievance

I'm so sorry you are going through this, be kind to yourself x

midnite I mentioned that none of them asked questions or seemed interested because they are the only ones who don't in a school of 100 staff, and they're the ones I'm closest to. Not that that on its own is causing me anxiety and stress. It was just an observation. I don't expect them to care about it as much as me, of course I don't, but it's interesting that they're the only ones who don't.

The person who "dobbed" me in is of an older age than me and has children already. They all do. I don't think infertility is the problem with her actions.

And I went off with "stress" because I was being put through a formal investigatory process when I was newly pregnant after previously suffering a MC and I found it hard to handle, plus the GP told me to.

Thank you for your input though.

I honestly expected the majority of replies to tell me to stop being so sensitive and get on with it, so it's been quite eye opening to get the opposite. Thank you all. I will definitely see the HT and just let her know what being this is doing to me.

kr1stina and mimi I'm sorry you went through similar. Having advice of someone in a likewise position is very helpful and reassuring though. It definitely feels like pregnancy has been a trigger too.

really sorry for your situation mrsfredweasley, it must be heart breaking.
making complaint before maternity leave is not a good idea I guess. because when you are away they can manipulate it.
either talk to the line manager-one of those bullying you said, and you said she is better than the others-, or write a letter to her stating all their behaviours that upset you.
being such bully is unbelievable, maybe there are some issues that you don't know. trying to clear the air wont lose you anything, but at least they will know how much they upset you especially when you are pregnant.
that is if you want to stay in the job and love your job.
I wish you all the best luck.

I'm a manager at a large publicly funded company and I think you should definitely be speaking with your employing manager about your situation (if that's your head teacher, then them).

All of this depends on how you feel - do you believe that this behaviour is is any way related to your pregnancy? The fact that you sent those emails because you needed support during pregnancy is something they actually have to make allowance for. As others have said, it's not illegal for employers to review your emails on your work login (all products of work belong to the employer), however the employer is legally required to make reasonable adjustments to your work situation for your pregnancy. If all this involved is allowing you to send emails to your husband, then that's the kind of reasonable adjustment that they'd be foolish to deny (presumably we're talking 10s of emails over a period, not hundreds per day - you were still completing your workload?).

Do you feel that this bullying is pregnancy related? Are they upset that you went off with stress because of this email thing (which is pregnancy related) - what do you believe to be the issue here? The law makes it quite clear; it's what you believe to be the case.

If you do believe that this is pregnancy related then what you're dealing with is legally harassment rather than bullying, and your employer would be colossally foolish to ignore your complaint because the penalties for employers in these situations is substantially higher. If you believe your position at work has become untenable because of this, you could be entitled to a significant payout for damages (if you want to pursue this, of course that's a lot more stress in itself).

Practically - there's unlikely to be anything you can do to resolve this in the next 2 weeks before you ML starts. If you go sick now (which I think you should), make it perfectly clear to your head teacher that you were unable to stand the bullying which you think has been related to you sending some emails for support while pregnant.

If your head teacher has any brains, alarms should be going off in their head to resolve this ASAP.

"Do you think there is any jealousy about your pregnancy? it is a shame you put yourself so totally in the wrong emailing your husband at work. Have you shown any resentment to the person who (quite rightly) reported you? If this is at the heart of it, maybe a chat with her would clear the air?"

Really, Longlost10?

You don't think it's at all bitchy for her colleague to snoop through what were presumably clearly personal emails to her husband, and then to report her for it? Are you one of the OP's colleagues?!

OP has even stated that at the time this happened, the staff handbook prohibited people from accessing others' personal emails, and allowed personal emails to be sent so long as they didn't interfere with work.

If all that's true, I'm pretty shocked that the colleague who complained wasn't given a ticking off, rather than the OP being investigated.

I have previously worked in offices where there have been cliques created for various reasons, and I have seen other people treated in a very similar way to this.
It sounds as though your colleagues have bitterness, jealousy or just plain meanness at their heart and some people are just like this.

Perhaps you shouldn't have sent the emails - we don't know how this works in your workplace, but this, as an incident, is in the past. I cannot imagine how anybody could think it would be ok to read through emails sent from someone to their DH particularly when the subject was so personal. Following this, I really cannot imagine how anybody could then contemplate reporting it. How unreasonable a person do you have to be to do that? If any of my colleagues observed me sending emails to my husband and had a genuine concern that this was affecting my workload (which it sounds like it wasn't for you) then I would hope the very most they would do would be to have a quick word with me about it!
This was obviously the trigger and you tried to make amends, but these women are just not having it.
You are doing nothing wrong - and workplace bullying is horrific at the best of times - never mind when you are vulnerable and emotional.

This is just a job for you right? Not a vocation?
Get out. Get signed off, come back for 2 weeks - a month whatever it is at the end and get yourself somewhere else.

You and your baby are the only important factors here. Let them pick up your workload. They have caused you distress and you owe them nothing.