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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend and colleague off with stress, I am covering her work. AIBU?

66 replies

heron98 · 05/10/2016 12:05

My colleague (who is also a close friend) has been signed off work for 6 weeks with stress. She claims she cannot face work and hates our manager. It's true, he is quite hard work and can be quite short with people but nothing too horrendous.

In the meantime, I am covering all my friend's work whilst I see on Facebook she is out and about having fun.

Do not flame me, but I feel so resentful.

We have exactly the same role, working conditions and manager and I really don't see why she claims work is so awful. If it's that bad, why doesn't she just leave?

It's making me feel a lot of ill feeling towards her which I am trying to swallow because I don't want to affect our friendship.

Please don't flame me and accuse me of not understanding MH. I do. But I am finding it hard not to feel cross.

I have not, and will not, say anything to her but I can't help how I feel.

OP posts:

Polarbearflavour · 05/10/2016 14:40

Would you feel differently if your colleague was off with a broken leg or in hospital after an operation?

Please speak to your manager about finding temp cover or seeing if other colleagues can help share her work. It's no good you going off with stress too!

The thing is, people get ill, people leave jobs, people even die sometimes sadly. Managers should have reasonable business continuity plans in place.

kali110 · 05/10/2016 14:48

I understand your resentment, it's unfair that you are doing extra work.
However just because she is out does not mean she isn't ill.

mydiet have you ever actually suffered from a mh illness? I have suffered for over 10 years so i know it well. I went out with friends and did normal things, nobody knew.
I hid it well. I went out so i wasn't alone. I took long bus routes just to avoid being on my own.
I even drank so i could forget for a few hours.
Your post is ignorant and offensive.

echt · 05/10/2016 14:54

OP, your friend isn't your problem, it's your manager.

No reason at all why you should do her work. Don't blame her.

RhodaBull · 05/10/2016 15:01

Posters have misunderstood me. I am no stranger to ill health, and as for dh...

I entirely appreciate that some people suffer from ME and RSI. BUT - they are conditions, like stress, seized upon by less than industrious employees because they are difficult to evaluate. And I do get raised blood pressure when I think of my cousin who is undergoing chemotherapy and still struggles into work, and then dh's niece who was signed off with stress because of having to do the job of SENCO at her primary school - a primary school with not one single SEN pupil...

GreatFuckability · 05/10/2016 15:24

strictly speaking the DWP is allowed to reject notes with just "stress" or "pregnancy" on them as they aren't medical conditions

pregnancy is not allowed as a reason, but stress most definitely is.

Threebedsemii · 05/10/2016 15:27

Of course you shouldn't be "covering" her role- this is your managers problem not you. You need to tell them you can't do it and they'll have to get cover in

PlayOnWurtz · 05/10/2016 15:32

Yabu

When you get signed off with stress you're encouraged to relax and get back into enjoying life again as an alternative to popping pills

ThirdThoughts · 05/10/2016 15:47

My mum lost a colleague to suicide.

The management managed to absolve themselves of responsibility, pointing out other factors and not bothering to get a counselor in to speak to the staff afterwards. But considering many of the people in the department had also been off with work related stress and depression, including DM... I think bad management can definitely be a contributing factor.

You don't know what it is like for her. Two people in the same job aren't necessarily treated the same way, nor do they necessarily have the same coping mechanisms.

She's trying to make herself feel better. That's the point. If she's anything like the people I know who have been off for stress/depression then her loving friends and family are encouraging her to go out and do things to cheer her up.

I would far, far rather give someone the benefit of the doubt and be wrong than not be kind to someone who desperately needed it.

My DM thinks about her colleague a lot still. In a way it reminds her that nothing at work is that important. But she has still been off work with depression exacerbated by feeling trapped in a stressful job with poor management since. :(

AVY1 · 05/10/2016 17:03

maybe work is the thing preventing her from recovery? I can understand your frustration but I would be inclined to view her 'fun' as her getting better and hopefully she'll be back soon. I know from experience when my MH (and physical health) was suffering that work was the tipping point and I had to have time off. I also totally agree with PPs. a GP would never sign off for 6 weeks without good reason and if you can't do the job of two people (which is totally reasonable) you need to speak up about that.

Skittlesss · 05/10/2016 17:37

Stress bad enough to have you signed off from work is horrible. It's not just a feeling... it's everything else that comes with it. There are physical symptoms too.

JaceLancs · 05/10/2016 17:38

Getting cover is not always that easy, especially in a very small team or business
If the person off sick is getting their normal pay whilst off sick we are not allowed to buy in any extra help as unable to afford
I have a friend in a similar job role to me for another small business they have been very generous to an employee who has had 12 individual absences totalling 5 months in the last year, resulting in loss of business and additional stress to rest of team
Financially they have now all had to reduce their hours - it's a very difficult situation all round
As far as I know the person is genuinely ill and the management are sympathetic

Dozer · 05/10/2016 17:42

As PPs have said, your problem is management, not your friend's absence, and it's poor friendship and empathy to say "I was alright Jack, why couldn't SHE deal with it?" You don't know what her MH is like.

AuroraBora · 05/10/2016 17:56

Do you actually know it is stress? Or could that be the line that colleagues are being told?

I have a friend off work at the moment with a condition made worse by stress. I can well believe that her colleagues that aren't close to her will have been told "it's stress", when actually it isn't.

She has been tagged a few times on Facebook. If she thought people were judging her for it, it would devastate her.

There may be more to it that you can see.

Naveloranges · 05/10/2016 20:23

I'm so deeply offended on behalf of all people with any illness, but in this instance, mental health is yet again being totally misunderstood.
Unless you have suffered you have absolutely no idea what it is like. It is a silent killer that destroys people.
Illnesses cannot be compared. They are all different just as people are all different.

0pti0na1 · 05/10/2016 20:27

Very true AuroraBora, there could well be a lot more than "stress" going on but this person wants to maintain their privacy.

Brightredpencil · 05/10/2016 20:45

YANBU - your friend should develop a bit more self awareness and tact and understand what the impact upon you might be.
Your boss should also not just give you all her work.
Presumably she is having some sort of phased return to work? Or some sort of change to her working conditions or occ health? How is the stress being addressed otherwise?
I can completely see why you are resentful.

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