Friend and colleague off with stress, I am covering her work. AIBU?

[heron98]

My colleague (who is also a close friend) has been signed off work for 6 weeks with stress. She claims she cannot face work and hates our manager. It's true, he is quite hard work and can be quite short with people but nothing too horrendous.

In the meantime, I am covering all my friend's work whilst I see on Facebook she is out and about having fun.

Do not flame me, but I feel so resentful.

We have exactly the same role, working conditions and manager and I really don't see why she claims work is so awful. If it's that bad, why doesn't she just leave?

It's making me feel a lot of ill feeling towards her which I am trying to swallow because I don't want to affect our friendship.

Please don't flame me and accuse me of not understanding MH. I do. But I am finding it hard not to feel cross.

I have not, and will not, say anything to her but I can't help how I feel.

Yes YABU.

The worst thing she could do for her mental health would be to lock herself indoors and mope. You are only seeing a snapshot not the whole picture so try not to obsess.

The fact the manager has dumped all her workload on you is a separate issue, and actually supports her argument that he is difficult to work for. He shouldn't be doing that.

YABU to resent your friend, although her FB posts aren't exactly well thought out, clumsy, perhaps? trying to convince herself she's doing ok maybe?
YANBU to resent the manager for not sorting out your workload accordingly though

I wouldn't have thought going down the pub all the time and perhaps drinking alcohol and hanging with people is the best therapy. I understand where you are coming from. If she is drinking, alcohol is a depressant.

Unless you're her doctor then I don't think it's any of your or OP's business what the 'best therapy' would be, but for what it's worth while my doctor and counsellor both advised against excessive alcohol consumption when I had depression/anxiety, neither suggested total abstinence and both strongly encouraged me to socialise.

If you are a good friend I would quietly advise her to cut down on the out and about updates, yes getting out and about is an important part of recovery if you are stressed, but if your manager is as nasty to her as she seems to think then they might not appreciate it if they have access to her Facebook.

Thing is though, even if she is faking, that doesn't help you. You need to separate your feelings on her from your feelings about being taken advantage of at work.

Speak to your boss and tell them you aren't prepared to do two people's work any more as otherwise you will end up signed off too.

Emmageddon I have had that, caused for me by carpal tunnel problems and then the position adopted when breastfeeding - I wasn't off work with it but wouldn't like others to think it's always too much phone time! (in fact it predated smartphones)

Agree with those who say your workplace is actually the problem. They should be hiring or drafting someone in to take over your friend's work, not leaving you to get on with it and that's where you need to be directing your energies.

It's not unreasonable to be peeved that you're covering extra work without (presumably) extra pay - take this up with your employer.

It is unreasonable to think you can judge her mental health from social media.

It isn't easy to get signed off work, if she's been signed off there is likely a really good reason for it. Cultivate empathy, people with mental health issues are suffering enough and she probably is paranoid about people thinking and judging her exactly the way you are! Try to feel lucky you're healthy enough to able to work right now.

Malingerers used to be keen on ME, and RSI (remember that one? Funny how no one gets iPhone finger)

Aren't you a peach, Rhoda? Several friends of mine have or have had ME. It has cost them jobs, careers, income, mental health, friends –the lot, really.

I have RSI in both arms and hands, including in one thumb from laptop work. I've been off work with it before and am under medical care again now. I dearly hope not to have to go off again but we will have to see.

Signed, a malingerer with lots of malingering friends.

RhodaBull you do realise that RSI and ME are real medical conditions don't you?

I'm with Sapphire. I have ME. No one understands. Why don't I just get a good nights sleep or rest a bit? I'll feel better after all. And my pain? It's your back, hurts a bit does it? A few aches? No chronic full body actually.

YANBU to feel stressed at having to cover your colleague's work. But of course this is something that you need to take up with your management - it's not the colleague's fault.

YANBU to find your colleague's complaining about the workplace dispiriting. She's not wrong to feel how she feels, or express it, but I know from experience having people complain about the workplace can make it a much more difficult place to be.

YABU to feel resentful of your colleague's having been signed off (though it's understandable). Yes she's in the same situation as you, but she's dealing with it differently. Her experience and decisions shouldn't colour yours. If you don't like the job or workplace, look into moving, but do it for yourself and because of your own standards.

I think you need to talk to your HR depart about the unreasonable workload and that you feel overwhelmed.

Contrary to posters above, I think if she is out and enjoying life then she is not ill. Stresses/depressed persons who are in the depths of despair cannot do down the pub and interact - they may be able to do some of it as they recover but not full on immediately.

She has had little or no thought for you being left to absorb her workload.

Contrary to posters above, I think if she is out and enjoying life then she is not ill. Stresses/depressed persons who are in the depths of despair cannot do down the pub and interact - they may be able to do some of it as they recover but not full on immediately.

This is just not true, and an incredibly unhelpful myth to peddle. For some people socialising is a major trigger and difficulty for anxiety and depression, but for others it can offer a very welcome opportunity to leave their own head for a bit. I felt both of those at different times. Insisting that 'really' depressed people must always look sad and never do fun things is nothing to with them and all about how you feel about them.

RhodaBull the only good thing about what you posted is your user name (speaking as one Rhoda to another).

I have ME. I've had it for over 20 years. DFOD.

Mydiet, as Margaret says, that is a total myth and one my DM likes to regularly pull out of her arse to prove why I/my cousin/friend with PND is NOT depressed.

Depression and anxiety are really complex and can vary wildly. You cannot apply blanket statements to all sufferers.

The focus for your anger and frustration should be your manager who is managing your workload badly. Push back to her. It's her job to sort adequate cover.

Your problem is with management, not your "friend." If somebody is off they need to arrange cover rather than expecting you to pick up all the slack. Direct your hard questions at them, not your colleague.

This.

its not your friend you should be feeling resentful about its your manager/workplace that are expecting you to do the job of two people.

Sadly, if your work is anything like mine then it's not as easy as them just 'drafting in a temp.' I'm a government employee and the budget just isn't there. Work just has to be shuffled between all the workers left. This is the reason I didn't take time off for my mental health issues some time ago. I just felt too guilty about leaving my co-workers in the lurch.

OP - you need to talk to your manager - you can't do both of your jobs, point out if just friend's workload was too stressful for her, can your manager really expect you do to that and your own workload and not also end up suffering with stress? They need to bring in other help.

(the alternative view point is if they can cope without her for 6 weeks without anyone else needing to be brought in to cover her workload, do they need someone in her role at all?)

Your anger is understandable but misplaced. Your manager or company should have arranged a temporary replacement for your colleague

Couple of years ago I had 2 colleagues off with similar symptoms, (in retrospect it was a viral illness) anyway they were off for nearly 3 months and I had to pick up their workload.....
This has now all caught up with me and after I had a non specific virus(was being investigated for auto immune disorder: joint pain, headaches,cough) at end of August I have been off work...I'm totally exhausted with no energy whatsoever...I've hardly been out of house in all that time, could be some underlying anxiety to the illness as well. To look at I appear fine but just because you can't see an illness it doesn't make it any less debilitating to the sufferer
Agree to you need to speak to manager to get some help, otherwise you'll be next to go off sick

I have a lovely friend who was very depressed at one time. She had so much anxiety about people thinking she shouldn't be out and about if signed off sick that she found it very difficult to say yes to social commitments. She really needed to keep that social contact going but couldn't because she found it too hard to cope with judgement.

She never posted on Facebook but often ended up tagged by other people.

mydiet , yours is the exact attitude she was frightened of. It was incredibly damaging to her and made her doubt her own illness, feel "undeserving" of support and a fraud.

I can assure you that she was severely depressed.