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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my partners dad visits too often?

65 replies

user1466015966 · 04/10/2016 21:24

My fiancé and I have been together 6 and a half years, we recently bought our own house after renting a flat which had originally been just mine.

His dad lives nearby with his girlfriend whom none of us really get alon with. I do like his dad and for the most part we get along but I won't lie there are times where he irritates the hell out of me.

My fiancé and his dad are very close and since we got the house he has started coming round for a cup of tea most evenings, 4 or 5 times a week. At first it wasn't too bad but now it's wearing on me that after a full day of work a with an hours commute there and back I get home and there's the father in law. There are even times when he'll ring my fiancé who's out but due home and so he'll come round (unannounced to me) before and wait for him.

I've brought this up before that I'm finding it difficult how often he's here but a conversation about him coming round a bit less just ends in a screaming row and now threats to leave me if I won't accept this.

Am I being unreasonable to ask for less dad time?

OP posts:

LellyMcKelly · 05/10/2016 06:53

Tell him if he's so keen to see his dad he can go round to his house.

RebootYourEngine · 05/10/2016 06:59

I dont have inlaws but if my mum was at my home every time i got home from work i would be annoyed. I like to come home and relax after work.

Original poster

user1466015966 · 05/10/2016 07:01

If I do take myself off to another room but that's not ideal all the time. with our working hours it doesn't leave much time before we go to bed.

I'm well aware once children come along alone time totally disappears which is why I want to make sure we spend time together and make sure our relationship status strong now as a base for when that opportunity isn't there.

OP posts:

PacificOcean · 05/10/2016 07:01

Have you tried asking your partner how he'd feel if one of your parents popped over so often? Bet he wouldn't be too keen!

Anyway, YANBU. I'd be really sad about hardly ever getting to spend an evening with my partner without his Dad (or anyone, really) being there.

J0kersSmile · 05/10/2016 07:03

Can't you send them down the pub instead?

Main concern with this is that something your dps doing is upsetting you and instead of being able to discuss it it ends with screaming and threats of leaving. If anyone ever threatened to leave me to get their own way in an argument I'd pack their bags for them right there, but then I absolutely hate emotional blackmail.

PacificOcean · 05/10/2016 07:31

Also not too impressed with a DP who threatens to leave you rather than at least trying to understand your point of view.

MrsMcMoo · 05/10/2016 07:48

Yanbu. If you work f/t and have a long commute you're exhausted in the evenings, and there's only a few hours before you go to bed. You need downtime! I loathe people 'dropping round' and hanging about in my kitchen! Your df seems pretty thoughtless. Your dp needs to respect your feelings and stop being a pig.

Original poster

user1466015966 · 05/10/2016 08:28

I'm pleased to say that after some sleep and chance to reflect a compromise has been reached involving setting some proper time aside each week for couple time to make sure we get enough time together

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 05/10/2016 08:31

YANBU. 4 or 5 evenings a week is too much unless BOTH partners are totally fine with it.

There is a healthy balance to be struck and your partner is not prepared to consider it or compromise in any way. I'm a great believer in the adage that once you are in a long term relationship with someone (married or not, children or not), THAT immediate unit is first priority, parents and inlaws come second.

Your partner is making it abundantly clear that his relationship with his dad is more important than his relationship with you - not just by refusing to perhaps ask his dad just to pop in twice a week, or getting dad to pop in on a Tuesday while he pops into his dad's on Thursday, but by refusing to consider a compromise in any way, turning it into a screaming row and threatening to leave. The latter is far more concerning to me than his actual closeness with his dad.

I'd be seriously rethinking this whole relationship. And I'm not the sort to throw LTB out here, there and everywhere, but that response is very out of line and it's about you basically doing what he likes or else. Not good.

Acardwithbigletters · 05/10/2016 08:32

Your dp should definitely not be threatening to leave you over this, that's awful.

Having said that I speak to my mum every day and if she was round the corner I would probably see her most days too. Bit insulting that some are saying that's "co-dependent"

ShatnersWig · 05/10/2016 08:33

Bugger, cross posted. Glad he's being sensible. Hope he sticks to it. Shame he didn't behave more normally from the outset.

Sparklemummyx0x0x · 05/10/2016 08:37

I think I would find it a little OTT. Does he do anything at home whilst you're at work? Does he have a brew ready for you? Are you included in their chats?
You could one day say 'well I've been really horny today. Was desperate to come home and jump your bones:...unfortunately your dad was there again so.......' and walk away.
He might get a little hint or he might not be bothered, either way you get an idea on his thoughts about how much alone time he also desires with you. Or vice versa, does he not want some alone time with you? You say you don't get much together as it is.

Sparklemummyx0x0x · 05/10/2016 08:39

Sorry just seen update....been typing this for an hour between other stuff. Fingers crossed it works out for you

WatchingFromTheWings · 05/10/2016 09:16

YANBU. Glad you've reached a compromise.

My ExMIL used to visit 3 times A DAY (!!!!) when I had my DS. She worked in the street we lived and knocked the door on the way to/from work and called in during her lunch hour. It was awful. ExH was no help and refused to speak to her about it. I took to hiding in my own home. She'd spend 10 minutes hammering the door and window, pressing her face up against the window to see if she could spot me. Got to the point I couldn't pretend I was sleeping as she'd be hammering for so long and so loud she'd have woken the dead. Couldn't relax in my own home. When I went back to work a few hours a week I was able to afford to put petrol in the car and bugger off for the day.

miserablesod · 05/10/2016 09:39

I used to have a similar argument with dp, but in our case his father would turn up unannouced for no particular reason at 8am on a Sunday, as well as numerous times during the week. On a Sunday morning i like to relax, get dressed in my own time etc. He would turn up and i would still be in my nightwear, used to get on my nerves. I told dp it had to stop and after a few rows he sorted it.

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