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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my partners dad visits too often?

65 replies

user1466015966 · 04/10/2016 21:24

My fiancé and I have been together 6 and a half years, we recently bought our own house after renting a flat which had originally been just mine.

His dad lives nearby with his girlfriend whom none of us really get alon with. I do like his dad and for the most part we get along but I won't lie there are times where he irritates the hell out of me.

My fiancé and his dad are very close and since we got the house he has started coming round for a cup of tea most evenings, 4 or 5 times a week. At first it wasn't too bad but now it's wearing on me that after a full day of work a with an hours commute there and back I get home and there's the father in law. There are even times when he'll ring my fiancé who's out but due home and so he'll come round (unannounced to me) before and wait for him.

I've brought this up before that I'm finding it difficult how often he's here but a conversation about him coming round a bit less just ends in a screaming row and now threats to leave me if I won't accept this.

Am I being unreasonable to ask for less dad time?

OP posts:
RetroImp · 05/10/2016 01:19

I'd be inclined to actually chat with his dad if he pops round before the partner gets back. As him if he would have been happy at your age if his MIL would have constantly popped round and he never got any time alone with his partner? I'd say it friendly but firm and direct. Maybe he's not even aware how much he intrudes. If not - I'd sell up and get the hell out! I would worry if my partner had a bad relationship with his parents but too close and on top of us would be an equal problem.

milkshakeandmonstermunch · 05/10/2016 01:35

My DF lives across the street from us and I see him about 3 times a week. I'm a SAHM and DF is retired so he often pops in to see me/DGD. He is always gone by the time DH gets home from work though. They get on really well but 1) it's not his dad and 2) DH likes to arrive home, strip to his pants and read the paper while I finish dinner. It's his home.

I agree with PPs OP - YANBU but there is a more pressing issue than your FIL.

VioletBam · 05/10/2016 01:38

If you think there's no time for you two as a couple NOW when you've not kids then you're in for a shock when you do have kids!

A couple of hours a night isn't too much. I think YABU. If your DH wants to spend time with his Dad in his own home who are you to say he can't?

Nobody would tell me not to have my Mum over for a cup of tea.

Why don't you set up a separate space for you to sit in if you want privacy.

tibbawyrots · 05/10/2016 01:53

Because she wants to spend time with her fiancé, not with his Dad there all the time! Hmm

tibbawyrots · 05/10/2016 01:54

And it's her home too. She has equal say over visitors.

VioletBam · 05/10/2016 02:40

Tibby but he wants to spend time with his Dad. It's a shared space. She can't dictate his family visiting what sounds like a perfectly reasonable amount of time.

And HE also has equal say over visitors.

kali110 · 05/10/2016 02:52

centre then i'm about to ruin your theory Grin
Years ago it used to take me 75minutes to get back from work on public transport and i'd see my then dp and sit and chat to his mil ( or even go and help her with the shopping at night).
I can imagine the op being frustrated and wanting to spend time with her dp, but it's her dp's dad. I'd be devestated if my dh told me that my family couldn't come over when they wanted.
Maybe the dad is over their house because he knows that they don't like his new partner?
If he's only there for a cuppa, how long is it?
Maybe a better compromise would be that his dad doesn't stop coming over, just the time is shorter?

tibbawyrots · 05/10/2016 02:56

Violent, but as OP doesn't want her FIL to-be sat there in her house every time she gets home then why should she have to find a place for privacy in her own home?

Her fiancé's Dad has his own home...

VioletBam · 05/10/2016 02:58

Kali same here. My DH's Dad often comes over to spend time with DH...I'd not DREAM of saying anything!

People living in one another's pockets as a couple to the extent that they try to limit time spent with family are not approaching a relationship in a healthy way if you ask me.

Obviously there are some limits. If my DHs Dad was all day here then I might get a bit sick of it daily...but actually...thinking of it, he's no bother and he's done a lot for us and he's 71 and lonely.

What's the harm?

VioletBam · 05/10/2016 02:59

tibby but her DH DOES want his Dad to be there. So why should he stop him? Confused

If OP wants to be alone, she has the choice to not sit with them.

mummytime · 05/10/2016 03:02

The OP also has the choice to decide if her feelings aren't being taken into account then this relationship isn't working.

Personally being introverted I would hate this to happen this frequently. Why can't the fiance pop in at his Dad's instead. And being out 3 nights a week does leave very little time to be together - and that time together at the beginning of a relationship helps when children come along and cut down time even more.

VioletBam · 05/10/2016 03:04

Mummy that would probably be a good compromise and that's perhaps what is missing here for the OP.

Half the time, he should visit his Dad even if he doesn't like his Dad's partner. Though I'd find it very hard if my husband tried to limit my families visits and he would too!

tibbawyrots · 05/10/2016 03:04

Because maybe she wants to be able to relax, with her fiancé after work, without his dad watching? Some people like time alone, as a couple to joke, shoot the shit, play fight, hell maybe even shag on the lounge floor if they feel like it.

Can't do that with the Dad sitting there like a spare part.

tibbawyrots · 05/10/2016 03:05

That would be a good compromise mummy

VioletBam · 05/10/2016 03:09

Tibby yes but his Dad's not moved in! They have the majority of their time together.

funnyperson · 05/10/2016 03:16

Doesn't your fiancee work?
I wouldn't want to come home to a FIL during the week. I need personal downtime.
If they have time to sit about chatting they have time to cook you some supper and do DIY, imo.
Perhaps FIL fancies you. Perhaps he doesn't get on with his partner.

Anyway I don't think you should back your bags and move out of your home. I think you should put it to your DP as you needing space not you wanting to get rid of his dad.

tibbawyrots · 05/10/2016 03:36

Err violet I am aware of that... OP made that clear in her first post on this thread. Hmm

tibbawyrots · 05/10/2016 03:37

funnyperson also understands the problem here!

Atenco · 05/10/2016 03:39

I'm over sixty and can't imagine such intrusive in-laws, yuck. I'm surprised at the person who said she would get rid of her husband if he objected to her mother being there every day of the week.

junebirthdaygirl · 05/10/2016 03:44

I could imagine your dps fave if your mother was sitting there every evening when he came in from work. How much time does he spend with your family? I'm all for families but that would do my head in.

MissMargie · 05/10/2016 04:06

Surely dgm calling round to see you and the DCs is not the same as DF calling round every night.
Does DP cook the evening meal whilst chatting to DF or do something useful or are you making cups of tea, the evevmning meal whilst they chat?

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/10/2016 04:12

I also think you need to clear some couple time. When his father comes over and your dp isn't there, either refuse entry because you're ill (perhaps you have lots of headaches these days), need to go to bed, need to take a bath, need to make a personal call. Or speak to him that you care about him but you need alone time with dp. If it upsets dp, tough, you are setting up boundaries and deciding upon what is and isnt acceptable in your home. Maybe his father isn't happy with his girlfriend and he's depending on dp way too much. The fact that dp doesn't get on with his father's girlfriend is impacting on your life and it shouldn't.

How long does he stay for?

Batteriesallgone · 05/10/2016 04:14

I get on very well with my in laws, spend time with them without DH.

I would not want this to happen every evening. It all depends on your relationship and lifestyle really but I go to bed quite early, so for me if this happened every night it would be home, make chat with FIL, eat, sleep. No time to just be alone with my DP. And that's not a relationship it's a house share. Sorry OP but if he doesn't agree you have an equal right to determine visitors in your house that's a big issue. What if you are ill or on your period, do you get to say 'no I don't want him here'?

aurynne · 05/10/2016 06:43

I get along with my in-laws better than with my own mum, but I would still not want them in my house 3 times a week for 2 hours just when I am back from work. I also like my space, a bit of peace and quiet without having to be on my "best behaviour" for someone else.

I would say there is no problem as long as both partners enjoy the extra person's presence, but as soon as one does not agree, then the arrangement is not ok. Not everyone is an extrovert, social person. Some people do value their alone time.

SabineUndine · 05/10/2016 06:51

I'm wondering if the FIL is also trying to avoid his partner. What's she thinking while her bloke is at his son's nearly every evening?